_mistresspoppy_
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2010
- Messages
- 169
Hi. It's me, the young woman with a much older fiancee, who thought everything was going great and we were going to get married and be happily ever after. I overlooked so many signs, have given up so many little things. He likes to give me ultimatums- lose the nipple rings or I'll never touch you again, go to church with me or I'll date a girl who will. And then theres the controlling little moves- you look hot with your hair that way, don't change it, to---> I hate your hair when you change it, why do you do that? And then the issue of him looking up porn and getting viruses 4-5 times and dumping ALL of the data on my computer, term Papers, projects, etc, and REFUSING to apologize. He genuinely thinks he's funny. I tried to talk to him about our problems, which he refuses to acknowledge. We both know we can't go on forever. I like the city and tattoos and I want to do exotic dancing to feel beautiful. He likes the suburbs and little girl outfits and wants to fuck my friends while I watch. If they won't fuck him, I'm not allowed to see them anymore. That's his words. He has this "godfather" thing, hes 1/32nd Italian and thinks that makes him entitled to control his woman like don Corleone. and I can never sort out what's true and what's a joke because he can't be serious. I finally told him "you can have a real, modern wife or no wife at all. I'm not your humble italian woman." and he just said, calmly, "I guess it's no wife". So we've agreed were not getting married and we won't work put in the long term, but when I asked what's next, he said nothing. It seems like were going to continue on, until the next ultimatum where well just go our separate ways. I just get these crushing moments of anxiety, wondering what things will be like in the future without him, but he hasn't left yet. I'm not in any hurry to lose him, but I'm done giving up parts of me to meet his demands. I'm just going to be me, and when he can't take it anymore, I guess... I guess I'm posting this to get my thoughts straight, maybe get some sympathy or advice on where to go from here. It seems like we broke up without actually breaking up. I'm okay, and it feelslike I've known this is coming for awhile. But every now and then, it feels like the world is dropping out from under me and I want to crawl to him on my knees and apologize. But I always apologize. I apologize for snapping at him when he deleted a 20 hour animation project after looking at zoo-porn. I apologize for not wanting to have sex with him becuase he made me feel so ugly that he'd rather sleep with my best friend. I apologize for asking to go to the movies with that friend because she doesn't want him to come along. Why? Becuase he constantly makes passes at her! Now I'm ranting, I'm sorry, I just need to see this all to make sense of it. How do people do this? My first real relationship, three years of my life. I don't hate him, in spite of all of this. I really do love him, still. Were still together, technically. But he said it himself "were too different". He also said he's too old, which I don't believe. He's just stubborn and old fashioned and uncompromising. But we still kiss each other and say I love you. There's a distance, I think, that wasn't there before. Were in relationship limbo. I just need help, maybe a psychiatrist or at least a guy with Xanax. This sucks. I dont know if well work this out or not. My firm resolution is that I won't change myself anymore for him.