Wanting to be miserable??

fivelinefury

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Wanting to be miserable???

Hi there everyone. I am just very curious as to wheather people are, or have been in my sittuation. Obviously as backwards as this most likely sounds to alot of people. Eventhough i'm very much less "unhappy", I can't help but I suppose enjoy remaining miserable. It is really like being miserable makes me happy. Its quite annoying at times, but basically not aware of it. It just seems to get me though everything easier, and i'm fully aware of it, but because it works for me thats why I guess I don't let it worry me at all.

Thanks guys and guls. Looking forward to some feedback.


FLF.
 
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I suppose using the word miserable sounds stupid and probably not as silly as it sounds for me. I suppose one thing was my previous job where most people knew what I was like, but I guess the way I opperate, it just seemed to work for me. It hasn't come across as say a depressive sense, but probably more of a driving force to be honest. I suppose I don't really like it if people around me are actually miserable (or what they would descibe it to themselves), and yet wallow rather than getting on with life. I've probably held this phylosiphy for a couple of years, but yeah again it doesn't seem to bother me. Sorry, I sound complicated :)
 
I know what you mean.

To me, sometimes I feel like I deserve to be miserable; sometimes miserable is comfortable and therefore I prefer it to the unknown that is happiness; sometimes I like feeling miserable because I don't feel anything else, so at least being miserable lets me feel alive.

Yes, I totally know where you are coming from.
 
Yes! I think this happens to many many people, but I don't think they see it that way. Usually they just have a reason to justify why they are unhappy, but I think objective people can see they are choosing to be unhappy, and are content with being unhappy because its what they are used to.

I honestly think its a matter of being comforted by familiarity. If you are familiar with misery, well then you feel a certain nostalgia when its around, and that nostalgia might drive you to drive away happy feelings, if your attached to it.

I would say that everyone is wanting to be someone. The people that are "happy" are truly people who want to be happy, that is what they identify with. Its normal for them to be happy and they derive their sense of self out of it. I happen to have the most fucked up identity. Well, its pretty bad at times anyway.. My identity is of a person who continuously rebels and goes against what he should be doing. I can honestly say that I wanted to be that person. Its been my identity since I was 7 years old.

So then after understanding this sort of thing within myself. I look at it and go hmmmph, so I am a slave to my identity. What does my identity consist of then? It seems to consist of thoughts that have a meaning which guides my actions.

So if I understand that my identity is just a story in my head created by thoughts and that it is the cause of my suffering, why still do I continue on the path? The answer I have found is actually a very old answer that has been spoken about for thousands of years! It is that I am so constantly wrapped up in my head and focussed on the thoughts themselves that I am not mindful of the identity itself as a story, but instead I am indentified with the identity.

So the key then is to realize that this human being is creating a fictitious sense of self and projecting it constantly, and that this self is the cause of suffering.

The other factor is that even though your self wants to be miserable, you still must objectively see that misery isnt exactly a walk in the park. So there must be a feeling of like damn this needs to change even though part of me doesn't want it to change.

Heres an interesting notion. Do you have a self? Is a self an asset to you, something that you own. Sort of like how you own a car? If you see that your self is like an object that you experience in the same way that you experience a car. Who the fuck is it that is experiencing the self?

And what would that "experiencer" experience and feel like if it didn't have the thoughts of the identity self constantly talking in its ear?

Food for thought. And maybe; food for silence :)
 
I think that if you "want" to be miserable, it's simply because you identify with it and feel like it's realistic. I like to consider myself somewhat of a realist, and a large part of me is pessimistic, and this mindset alone probably makes me come off as miserable a lot of the time. Of course, I am miserable most of the time, but I've still felt the way you do.

I also think Draigan has it right, as we're basically drawn to the security of familiarity. Foreign experiences and adjusting your mindset from negativity to positivity can both be very demanding to your mind, and the negativity itself makes happiness seem almost trivial, or even unattainable/unrealistic.
 
do you ever feel like you fear success? like when your close to getting success and happiness, you subconsciously do something to sabotage it, cuz you feel like you don't deserve it, and you deserve to be miserable the rest of your life. The shitty thing about depression is theres a part of you that loves it, and wants to hang onto it.
 
I think I know what you mean. I suffer from anhedonia after years of chronic meth abuse, so I don't exactly "enjoy" being miserable, but I've become so used to being depressed that I don't really know any different. I've had major depressive disorder for over a decade, and it's been unresponsive to medication or therapy, so I've practically accepted that I could be depressed for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm ok with that. I don't really want to get "better" and have a "normal" life - whatever that is.
 
I think I know what you mean. I suffer from anhedonia after years of chronic meth abuse, so I don't exactly "enjoy" being miserable, but I've become so used to being depressed that I don't really know any different. I've had major depressive disorder for over a decade, and it's been unresponsive to medication or therapy, so I've practically accepted that I could be depressed for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm ok with that. I don't really want to get "better" and have a "normal" life - whatever that is.

Yeah I think iv just excepted it myself!! I'm doomed o be down the rest of my life! My bf tells me all the time he thinks I just want to be misrable! It's nit the miserary I want! It's for people to understand my condition and that it keeps me down I can deal with it. It's the others that have a hard time , so mostly I just wanna tell them all fuck off let me be I my mood and I'll be ok sooner or later!
 
I think I know what you mean. I suffer from anhedonia after years of chronic meth abuse, so I don't exactly "enjoy" being miserable, but I've become so used to being depressed that I don't really know any different. I've had major depressive disorder for over a decade, and it's been unresponsive to medication or therapy, so I've practically accepted that I could be depressed for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm ok with that. I don't really want to get "better" and have a "normal" life - whatever that is.

I'm really sorry for you to hear this. Are you clean right now? And how long were you sober in order to determine whether or not you were suffering from anhedonia rather than just depression or withdrawals from the meth use? I remember the post where you said that you'd relapsed, and I'm wondering if you've given your mind enough time to heal. I wish you the best.
 
I'm really sorry for you to hear this. Are you clean right now? And how long were you sober in order to determine whether or not you were suffering from anhedonia rather than just depression or withdrawals from the meth use? I remember the post where you said that you'd relapsed, and I'm wondering if you've given your mind enough time to heal. I wish you the best.

Thanks. I've just returned home from detox - been clean for over a week, but I'll probably use again this weekend as the withdrawals are killing me. A psychiatrist (who determined I was anhedonic due to dopamine depletion) is considering prescribing me dexamphetamine or ritalin to ease the meth cravings and withdrawals, which should help me get clean.
 
Yeah, I've got ADHD, which is basically a dopamine deficit from what I've read. I was prescribed Adderall and screwed up immediately. I'd use up a month's script in a few days. Dexamphetamine is even very easy to abuse, so please be careful because speed SUCKS, even though at the same time it can be awesome. I got high so much and lost so much sleep I was basically having amphetamine psychosis all the time. Constant paranoia. I really think you're so much better off without meth OR those pills, and just riding out the withdrawals. But if you're psych has a plan for you, then that's good, too.
 
^ Nah, they'd make sure I didn't abuse it. I'd probably be on a weekly dispense or something like that. Anyway, I'd rather be on dexamphetamine than methamphetamine... meth is doing so much damage to my mind and my body, I've now got a number of health issues directly related to meth abuse.
 
draigan: that was a cool post. im curious, are you buddhist? a philosophy or psychology student?

op: my friend had a realization like this a couple of years ago after an an ex had pointed out this tendency, saying, "i think you actually enjoy being miserable."

it was a big eye opener for her: she couldn't deny it! and for her, it was the beginning of some self examination.
 
I wouldn't say I am a buddhist or anything no. I would say I am introspective and observe life. Thats just my findings. I have had many experiences that I would call pure awareness, which is a time when the mind shuts off, but still works, only it works in silence, and what is left over is this very very strange feeling of emptiness and aliveness, yet quietness. In that state all guilt and despair and negative/positive thoughts are meaningless and seem completely petty.

I am often puzzled why when anyone says anything that has the tone of what I wrote there, everyone calls it buddhist? They say that buddhism and all the major religions, at their core, not just the wishy washy clinging to comforting notions parts, come from the same source.

The tao te ching is my favourite book that belongs to the eastern philospohy class. If you found my post interesting I really think you should read it. Its so beautiful.
 
I've had major depressive disorder for over a decade, and it's been unresponsive to medication or therapy, so I've practically accepted that I could be depressed for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm ok with that. I don't really want to get "better" and have a "normal" life - whatever that is.

is electric shock therapy of any hope?
 
^ I've considered it. It may be an option in the future, but I'm not keen to have it done at the moment.
 
I think I know what you mean. I suffer from anhedonia after years of chronic meth abuse, so I don't exactly "enjoy" being miserable, but I've become so used to being depressed that I don't really know any different. I've had major depressive disorder for over a decade, and it's been unresponsive to medication or therapy, so I've practically accepted that I could be depressed for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm ok with that. I don't really want to get "better" and have a "normal" life - whatever that is.

Yeah, I suffer from depression all the time and bipolar in the past. The strange difference for me with the "being miserable" for some reason seems to be not linked to my depression. Depression totals me something terrible at times but I think I agree with you in the sense of rathering to not have a "normal life" like other people. After a very slow taper and being sober from benzos for a week and very very surprisingly feeling as "normal" and sober for years, the past 3 days I have once again screwed up and had about 250mg of diazepam which obviously gets me down to a certain point but really i'm just too used to it. Plus there is alot of depression which runs in my family, so I guess I just get used to it too, along with my antideps which I must admit did really save my arse big time a couple of months ago (eventhough I'm not a fan of ADs).

Anyway P, take it easy mate, try to look after yourself like me. You can do it. All the best. <3

Thanks very much everyone for feedback. Much appreciated <3<3

FLF
 
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