Want to so much but cant

Well I wonder what im talking about with a headline like that, death of course, see I live to write or type and I reckon a blog with little breaks w
Ould be the one. You ser anyone who has read my posts on here know im not mentally stable, but im not stupid, not a day goes by when the word suicide doesnt come into my brain , I havd clinical depression though not acyually diagnosed which is a lot of bullcrap . Some guy sitting there getting paid a fortune to say ok ur depressed heres a antidepredsant good luck. Bloody bollocks to that I dont need some freaky weirdo stranger to tell me im ill , I know this already , my last episide was a severe hallucination when I thought the girl on the tv was talking to me and giving me orders, I really did,so if thats not mad what is. Not a day goes by when im not plotting my own death. Im 44 from glasgow in scotland,basicaly lost it all by choosing drugs. At the time I was only a teenager and glasgow was hit with what was called an epidemic of temazepsm(gel) and I say gel as the inside of these caps were some sort of potent gel , very injectable but dangerous and many deaths in and around glasgow,luckily I didnt inject I was totally against it but orally me and my friends back then used to take handfuls mixed with alcohol and basically this made u very agressive and we used to fight other glasgow gangs using machetti, swords, any weapon apart from guns to attack other gangs and vice versa it was every teenagers goal to join a local gang and battle after school, also another pill I noticed to be very common were diazepam(valium), mum,s little helper,and because these temazepam were banned from the nhs market we were left with these tabs,not as strong but still a good buzz if u took enough,i was so addicted to these at a young age ,i could,nt and did,nt want to stop taking them, ( to be cont).
 
This is when my dad who was in london started to contact me, I didnt know him as he was not part of my childhood due to a tragic accident that killed my mum and sister, I was young 9 to be exact but you never forget even in my drug forsaken world this was always at the back of my mind, moving on I look back and I cannot blame this accident on the way I turned out, as my aunt said we dont know what happened to you jason and she was right, I had loving

grandparents who raised me even, bett er than ur average child, I was spoiled by my grandad especially, but he was ill, and when he died on his favourite chair im positive part of me died too as I still miss that man and the love he gave me ,will never find that unconditional love again london I went, and wot a change a place called chiswick stunning it was,i found it weird though so quiet and peaceful and this raging valium habit that dad new nothing about. So drs it was next day got a massive diazepam script and eventually I had 7 drs they were so easy to obtain I had like 500 a month and was boffing as many as I liked also decided to visit glasgow a ,few times and made a small fortune as id saved up thousnds over the months. As we all know all good things come to an end and it didnt last long then the drs in england started shutting up shop(no benzos period), I manag ed to get 3x10mg a day for me ,there w
As a massive drought and my dr kept me,from going insane as I couldnt picture a day without theze fu..ers, they were now my best friend and came before jobs,girlfriends,family u name it as long as I had them I was fine,even through my everyday heroin addiction which is another journey, ive also noticed as per usual diazepam has taken over my blog as I named it death,well that comes later , again im now,tired will continue. So where was I ok well jumping on as its just a young life with the usual jobs, girls and of course valium, I didnt like heroin when I first tried it, was sick as a dog like most , but I soon came back to it , and whilst back in glasgow for a year took it every day with my flatmate,what a horrible existence it was,and luckily again my father came to the
rescue. So back to london I went,with a raging heroin habit, my father only had one option left and that was to send me to mexico of all places. Yes mexico . And I said ok why not my inlaws where there,they had buisnesses maybe, just maybe this could work, so I made a horrendous
De
 
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jayjay, I think your post got cut off because it was in the comment section. You could cut/paste it into this blog post or just make a new one that is an update. I'm sorry about all the deaths your young life has had to encompass.
 
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