Make Rules and follow them, like "Dexter", and you will be OK
Hey 7ca5p, we're more alike than you know in this department.
I've been stuck with suicidal thoughts for years. And I can't tell anyone. I don't want to burden anyone about it. I've told people I'm no longer associated with, like an ex after she said she was having them, and a distant friend.
I have guns too, so I often wonder about things, if they got really bad and permanent, how easy it would be for me. It worries me on my better days, but makes me feel "safer" when feeling really lousy.
With a problem like this, you have to set yourself rules. Ever see that show Dexter? Its about a guy who has homicidal thoughts trying to fit into society. Its a great show for people who are addicts or suicidal too because it conveys a great inside view of a person messed up. I highly recommend it, and if you can spare 9$ a month its on netflix instant watch (first 2 seasons anyways).
My rules are: there is proof my problem is permanent (depression, anxiety that moves to a severe level and stays that way a long time, with brain scans showing damage) but then again, who knows what kind of future technology they could put in our brains to help it. Maybe in 10, 20 years we can install brand new functioning "pleasure centers".
My main rule that I think of most often, is I must be sober (no drugs at all) for at least a month. If I had an addiction I'd probably raise that to 6 months or a year because the brain takes time to heal. Drugs are often a hidden cause for these kinds of unnatural thoughts.
We are the survivors of over 3 billion years of evolution. What has survived in this long chain of life? Probably a percentage similar to a few atoms compared to the entire earth.
We are well evolved. But our minds aren't well evolved for this kind of complicated society We must adapt in our own ways to it with our inherited intelligence and creativity, which sadly seems lacking when depressed, but it is there, hidden.
Ride it out, your brain will adapt the more you suffer. This is proven. Stop taking drugs if you are so your brain can adapt. If you need a boost every once in a while that's ok just don't get any addiction, or don't do anything you've had previous problems with (like a former opiate addict can get withdrawal after just a few pills even if they were clean a long time; the brain can easily switch back physically/chemically into old habits, beyond our mental control)
*I just read recent post of yours to see you haven't touched drugs or have an addiction! That is great, you are better off than most here! Many would wish for a sobriety that great.
I hope this helps someone if the OP isn't listening here anymore, but hope he/she is ok. What I just typed has kept me alive. I've just been through a huge failure in my life which has eroded my self esteem severely, but I'm clinging on to basically a hope so small its not there, but rationally I know things
could get better, and thats reason enough to hang on.
I'm an atheist so I know/believe that this is my only life and I'll die forever someday; into timeless infinity. If it is by my own hands, I know through the rules I follow it will have to be a damn good reason, not just to me, but justifiable in the note I'll leave my family.
BTW, you are British. American girls love the accent... come on over and get laid.
