Hey everybody,
I haven't been posting on TDS for too long, but, as a few of you may know from my other posts, it's been a wild ride. Long story short: I was completely clean (from coke and alcohol) thanks to a girl who had encouraged me to sober up because of our relationship, then she left me, then I got fucked up again, then I was ok....for about a few days, then made the mistake of seeing her again, and now I'm a god awful mess again.
I feel completely helpless. I don't know what to do at all. I wake up in the mornings and I have to force myself out of bed to go to work, where I've been drinking semi-secretly. It's part time and I hate it anyway. I've stopped caring. Sometimes I find myself crying, and often I find myself about to cry. Yesterday at work I had to take a looooong "bathroom break" because I felt my eyes tearing up. I'm 28 and a grown ass man, I was in the Army for awhile (drummed out for being a mess, another story). I know it's not normal for me to cry, but I can't help it. I feel empty and alone and lost, even when I'm around loads of other people. I try stay busy with activities and friends, but you can't stay busy forever, and no matter what I do I can't get the bad shit to stop going through my head.
More than anything, I feel completely alone....I guess if I didn't I wouldn't be writing a long rambling vent to a bunch of strangers I've never met, right? I have nobody I can really talk to about shit. The only person I had was that girl, who has left me, and we're currently not on good terms anyway. My friends don't understand a fuckin' thing, and I wouldn't really feel comfortable telling them much anyway. Most of them would just respond by "have a drink, you'll feel better". My parents have put up with enough of my train wreck over the years, and I don't want to cause them stress or worry them any more than I have to. I don't know what to do anymore, and it's killing me. I can feel myself dying inside, honestly. I'd leave California and my situation but I don't have the money to do that, and I would have nowhere to go.
What's the deal with therapy? Is it expensive? does it go on your medical records? my concern is that jobs might not want to hire me if they think I'm a self-destructive whacko. Have people have good experiences with mood-altering medications? I was seeing an alcohol counselor guy for awhile, but yesterday I told him to go fuck himself...his "answers" were to tell me to go to church more. Sweet.
Thanks for listening. I don't know what exactly is happening to me, or what the point of this whole message was, but I just know I'm nearing the end of my rope and can't take this too much more. Don't worry though, I'm not considering suicide or anything like that. My mind is just racing.
I haven't been posting on TDS for too long, but, as a few of you may know from my other posts, it's been a wild ride. Long story short: I was completely clean (from coke and alcohol) thanks to a girl who had encouraged me to sober up because of our relationship, then she left me, then I got fucked up again, then I was ok....for about a few days, then made the mistake of seeing her again, and now I'm a god awful mess again.
I feel completely helpless. I don't know what to do at all. I wake up in the mornings and I have to force myself out of bed to go to work, where I've been drinking semi-secretly. It's part time and I hate it anyway. I've stopped caring. Sometimes I find myself crying, and often I find myself about to cry. Yesterday at work I had to take a looooong "bathroom break" because I felt my eyes tearing up. I'm 28 and a grown ass man, I was in the Army for awhile (drummed out for being a mess, another story). I know it's not normal for me to cry, but I can't help it. I feel empty and alone and lost, even when I'm around loads of other people. I try stay busy with activities and friends, but you can't stay busy forever, and no matter what I do I can't get the bad shit to stop going through my head.
More than anything, I feel completely alone....I guess if I didn't I wouldn't be writing a long rambling vent to a bunch of strangers I've never met, right? I have nobody I can really talk to about shit. The only person I had was that girl, who has left me, and we're currently not on good terms anyway. My friends don't understand a fuckin' thing, and I wouldn't really feel comfortable telling them much anyway. Most of them would just respond by "have a drink, you'll feel better". My parents have put up with enough of my train wreck over the years, and I don't want to cause them stress or worry them any more than I have to. I don't know what to do anymore, and it's killing me. I can feel myself dying inside, honestly. I'd leave California and my situation but I don't have the money to do that, and I would have nowhere to go.
What's the deal with therapy? Is it expensive? does it go on your medical records? my concern is that jobs might not want to hire me if they think I'm a self-destructive whacko. Have people have good experiences with mood-altering medications? I was seeing an alcohol counselor guy for awhile, but yesterday I told him to go fuck himself...his "answers" were to tell me to go to church more. Sweet.
Thanks for listening. I don't know what exactly is happening to me, or what the point of this whole message was, but I just know I'm nearing the end of my rope and can't take this too much more. Don't worry though, I'm not considering suicide or anything like that. My mind is just racing.