Venting again...and therapy questions

[OhBoyCali]

Hey everybody,

I haven't been posting on TDS for too long, but, as a few of you may know from my other posts, it's been a wild ride. Long story short: I was completely clean (from coke and alcohol) thanks to a girl who had encouraged me to sober up because of our relationship, then she left me, then I got fucked up again, then I was ok....for about a few days, then made the mistake of seeing her again, and now I'm a god awful mess again.

I feel completely helpless. I don't know what to do at all. I wake up in the mornings and I have to force myself out of bed to go to work, where I've been drinking semi-secretly. It's part time and I hate it anyway. I've stopped caring. Sometimes I find myself crying, and often I find myself about to cry. Yesterday at work I had to take a looooong "bathroom break" because I felt my eyes tearing up. I'm 28 and a grown ass man, I was in the Army for awhile (drummed out for being a mess, another story). I know it's not normal for me to cry, but I can't help it. I feel empty and alone and lost, even when I'm around loads of other people. I try stay busy with activities and friends, but you can't stay busy forever, and no matter what I do I can't get the bad shit to stop going through my head.

More than anything, I feel completely alone....I guess if I didn't I wouldn't be writing a long rambling vent to a bunch of strangers I've never met, right? I have nobody I can really talk to about shit. The only person I had was that girl, who has left me, and we're currently not on good terms anyway. My friends don't understand a fuckin' thing, and I wouldn't really feel comfortable telling them much anyway. Most of them would just respond by "have a drink, you'll feel better". My parents have put up with enough of my train wreck over the years, and I don't want to cause them stress or worry them any more than I have to. I don't know what to do anymore, and it's killing me. I can feel myself dying inside, honestly. I'd leave California and my situation but I don't have the money to do that, and I would have nowhere to go.

What's the deal with therapy? Is it expensive? does it go on your medical records? my concern is that jobs might not want to hire me if they think I'm a self-destructive whacko. Have people have good experiences with mood-altering medications? I was seeing an alcohol counselor guy for awhile, but yesterday I told him to go fuck himself...his "answers" were to tell me to go to church more. Sweet.

Thanks for listening. I don't know what exactly is happening to me, or what the point of this whole message was, but I just know I'm nearing the end of my rope and can't take this too much more. Don't worry though, I'm not considering suicide or anything like that. My mind is just racing.

 

[burntserkits]

Don't be ashamed of crying. It's your body't natural response to such emotion. Sounds like you just have a few issues to work through. Many places have income-based treatment (or even free) that is funded through the state or county if you don't have insurance. You can also talk to your family doctor and he can refer you somewhere and even give you antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications. There is a sticky thread here for treatment and counselling as well. Best of luck friend...

 

[OhBoyCali]

Thanks man. I've always just had a really dim view of therapist and stuff. I just want the pain to stop, and to be happy. It's been so long since I woke up in the morning and felt ok. I hate alcohol, and ive again come to the realization that it's killing me and hasn't helped at all.

Life is so crazy.

 

[burntserkits]

It sure can be crazy. I know many people fear the stigma associated with seeking help and that's what keeps them from seeking it. I was kind of the same way too but once I finally agreed to go, it was one of the best decisions ever. It felt really great to pour out all that packed in emotion to someone who was there to listen and help and was completely unbias. Be worried about you and not what others might think of you...

 

[unsettled]

Drugs, Drink, Therapy and Other issues aside, breaking up sucks! especially when it's with someone you really loved. Don't be down on your self for crying, I've been through what you're going through and I think most people have at some point. I think laying off the drugs and therapy will help but time is needed to process everything. Love is a bitch and can make the most sane and together person lose it. It takes awhile to start feeling better, sometimes months will pass and I'll be fine and then I'll wake up one morning after dreaming of the last girl I was in a relationship with and I'll feel like I'm back at square one again.

I know it's tough, just do the best you can. My last break up was the main reason I eventually quit drinking, cuz it just made me more depressed. So go to a therapist if you can, try not to drink too much but also realize this is all normal when you lose someone you love.

 

[OhBoyCali]

Yeah, sure does suck. Its sort of a weird situation, because I was a horrendous mess before her, and she was my main reason to clean my act up...its just awful to have fallen off the wagon so hard and fallen into such a state

 

[edgewise1]

Oh man, don't worry one bit about the emotions. They are the bodies way of helping you to relieve some stress. Don't fall for the "have a drink and everything will be alright" deal either.
I was married for 22 years and we lived together for 3 years prior to that, so a 25 year relationship. It went down the toliet in mid 2005 due to my drug problems. I am not ashamed to tell you that from that time until early spring of 2007, I was exactly as you are. I spent a lot of time crying and in having as big a pity party for myself as I could possibly have. Actually going to church more did help me, but that was because the church I went to was the church that sponsered the drug addiction program I was in, and these people were a support group for me.
Funny thing is I woke up one morning, sometime in March of 2007, and jumped out of bed and knew at that moment that everything was going to work out and that I was going to be alright, it literally felt like a ton of weight had been lifted from my body!! To this day I have been alright. Still have problems, still fight addiction/dependance due to some pain issues, but I have never had that weight on me ever again. Plus, I love the freedom that I have now being single!

 

[OhBoyCali]

Wow, 25 years? That's insane to me, I can't even imagine that long, that's most of my life. Really puts things in perspective I guess.

Some days are better than others though, ya know? This morning I woke up feeling pretty decent, but then got to thinking about it, and now I've had a few drinks. I don't know what to do, literally everyone I know drinks and uses, they just seem to handle it better than I am. It only males me
more depressed, yet I'm doing it anyway. Fuccckkk.

Off to the bar I go.

 

[unsettled]

Drinking and going to the bar nightly are hard habits to break. I work in bars so I never quit them completely, but the whole going to the bar everynight thing and getting drunk can suck you in, and be fun, but you should try and take a break. I had to quit going to all my regular bars when I was trying to get myself back together after my last break up and I have to say it was very lonely, it made me realize that my whole social life revolved around drinking. New friends do pop up though when you stop drinking. I can still enjoy bars now and have the occasional beer, some people can't. Either way I'd suggest a long break from drinking and the bars, it's really hard at first but it's completely worth it. If you're truly depressed I can pretty much guarantee alcohol is making it seem worse than it is, I still see some of my drinking buddies and it's sad, even when they're sober they're still completely clouded by alcohol, I never could see this when I was drinking with them every night. I'd suggest you give it a try, it was easy for me once I made up my mind, but I know a lot of people have to take more drastic measures. I still struggle with addiction, I've just cut way back and it feels alot better, I'll say it one more time. ALCOHOL IS HORRIBLE FOR DEPRESSION!!!