Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

[Eveleivibe]

Great mental place to be, papaverium. Sometimes getting comfortable with the uncertainty is the strongest position you can take.


@evey--at least you are recognizing your thoughts as not productive. We can't always help having petty thoughts but recognizing them for what they are means not acting on them and that is nothing to sniff at so congrats!

I agrre, Herb. My key worker said something that made me think. I was getting upset over that group because that's all I have in my life so I need to find other activities so that if something is cancelled I'm not so disappointed. Also that in a way I wanted to force friendship but expecting them to "meet me for a coffee." I wasn't thinking of the people who met for a coffee as "being friends," I was thinking of them all meeting as "part of the group," when it groups of people within the group who "have become friends" and by expecting an invite I am "trying to force a friendship." I never thought about that until my key worker mentioned it.

I'm putting this on this thread because I started this topic on here and because I was annoyed at my key worker at first so that is the vent part of this post lol.
But when I left the building I did some soul searching n realised what she was trying to say to me.

And once I realised this - all the pressure has now gone. After all I'm the treasurer of the group so they must like me in some ways. I must have been paranoid. That's nothing new lol. But isn't it interesting the way we think n the way in which we interpret things? And how a completely different interpretation can lead to a completely different mood / feeling / circumstances / happenings or whatever.

I went to the group after seeing my key worker and totally enjoyed myself, didn't feel no pressure or anything, just relaxed. All because I'd changed my way of thinking.

Evey xxxx

 

[plmar]

Can't fucking take this shit anymore, I feel sick.

My 'father' fucked us over financially, stole my money from my child savings account, literally drove us to financial ruin. And he's been lying to us the whole time.
My mom has no gas money to drive my sisters to school, the fridge is empty, and he's been lying to my face and to their faces too. I pitched in to buy a washing machine and countless groceries yet all this piece of shit has done is ruin it all.

 

[T. Calderone]

That's rough plmar, sorry your family is struggling. Can your mom get assistance so you don't get evicted?

 

[plmar]

That's rough plmar, sorry your family is struggling. Can your mom get assistance so you don't get evicted?

We're already getting all the assistance we can, benefits, government payments for the rent...

I dont know what else can be done. Me ranting about it here won't help anything either.

 

[dwamn]

i gettin really fuckin sick of being in so much pain 24/7 it's like whats the fucking point of life if you have to hurt severely, constantly FUCKKKKKKKK!!!!!

 

[Eveleivibe]

Can't fucking take this shit anymore, I feel sick.

My 'father' fucked us over financially, stole my money from my child savings account, literally drove us to financial ruin. And he's been lying to us the whole time.
My mom has no gas money to drive my sisters to school, the fridge is empty, and he's been lying to my face and to their faces too. I pitched in to buy a washing machine and countless groceries yet all this piece of shit has done is ruin it all.

That's terrible. Can the DWP not help out in any way?
I suggest you go to the CAB and get advice xxxx

 

[Allein]

Shit plmar that is truly awful, can you get a crisis loan from the social. It might be a good idea to find your local foodbank if you havent already.

I hope things get back on track soon, life is hard enough as it is without shit like this.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Plmar http://www.turn2us.org.uk/information__resources/benefits/social_fund.aspx
Check that out. May help you xxxx

 

[plmar]

Plmar http://www.turn2us.org.uk/information__resources/benefits/social_fund.aspx
Check that out. May help you xxxx

Thanks, will do.

We still got something to eat so we haven't hit rock bottom yet, but for a family of 5 it's not really enough.
It's not so much about the situation we're in, but the way he got us into it. Secretly taking and 'borrowing' money to pay off debts, lying about paying rent and taking money from your own kids' savings accounts. It's such a fucked up thing to do.
I may have overreacted a little, I doubt he wanted it to come to this. But the fact we're in such a bad position financially despite him spending most of the time at work, and not really being there as a father figure is the worst thing. It feels like this was all a waste.
Why move into a new house when you can't pay off the rent? Can't even afford to heat the fucking thing. I got my own future to worry about I don't want to have to consider selling my possessions just to be able to eat, or have a place to sleep, if it comes to that. I feel bad for my mum because this isn't the first time she's had to deal with shit like this. Not only has she got my messed up self to worry about but herself and everything else on top of that too. Getting into fights and raising hell, waking up my sisters and resorting to violence. This is a cycle that I remember when I was my sisters age and nothing has improved. At least shit calms down when I confront them thankfully.

 

[Allein]

It sounds like your all in a bit of a corner, reading that has made me more grateful for what I have, my family were never wealthy but apart from when I was very small we had enough.

Normally I would recommend leaving home but maybe you have responsibilities to your family that prevent this, hang on in there things will sort themselves out in the end.

I recall the day I left home, by then my parents were reasonably well off and the house, down to my mother was spotless. I moved into a room in a shared house, it was a dive and I only had a mattress on the floor. This independence was very important to me and the material things I have now are as a result of always working, you have no choice when you have rent to pay.

Not sure the details of your situation, but you can still help your family when you live elsewhere.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Thanks, will do.

We still got something to eat so we haven't hit rock bottom yet, but for a family of 5 it's not really enough.
It's not so much about the situation we're in, but the way he got us into it. Secretly taking and 'borrowing' money to pay off debts, lying about paying rent and taking money from your own kids' savings accounts. It's such a fucked up thing to do.
I may have overreacted a little, I doubt he wanted it to come to this. But the fact we're in such a bad position financially despite him spending most of the time at work, and not really being there as a father figure is the worst thing. It feels like this was all a waste.
Why move into a new house when you can't pay off the rent? Can't even afford to heat the fucking thing. I got my own future to worry about I don't want to have to consider selling my possessions just to be able to eat, or have a place to sleep, if it comes to that. I feel bad for my mum because this isn't the first time she's had to deal with shit like this. Not only has she got my messed up self to worry about but herself and everything else on top of that too. Getting into fights and raising hell, waking up my sisters and resorting to violence. This is a cycle that I remember when I was my sisters age and nothing has improved. At least shit calms down when I confront them thankfully.

That's just terrible. What you're all going through n that he let you down like that. This government aint helping either the way the take benefits of genuine people n what not. People shouldn't have to go to food banks in a country like the UK. It p**** me off that people are put through this c*** in this day n age. Here if you ever need to talk, plmar.
I sincerely hope things get better soon. I hope that link was of some help.

 

[xstayfadedx]

I really want to leave this hole of a town. I honestly wish I never came back because it was really fucking stupid of me. I stupidly been doing heroin for like a week or so and I haven't even paid for it. My "friend" keeps getting me high and I don't know wtf I'm doing. I was clean since January, but as soon as I came back to PA I've been getting high again and I hate it. Friday I got so fucking high and threw up like crazy after I did a few lines, I did not miss this! I sat there and asked my friend wtf are we doing? I'm so done. She hit me up today, but I didn't go see her. I could have gotten high again and for free, but said fuck it and stayed inside all day. I'm over this shit even though I say it all the time. I just can't do this anymore and it makes me fucking hate myself. I wish I never started using dope at eighteen.

My dad wants me to call him after he heard about my mom punching me in the face and our nonstop fighting. My sister wants me to ask him if I can move in with him. I don't know. It would be fucking weird, but being back here is so toxic especially with the fighting and drugs. I need a change of scenery though. However, for now I should be getting a job working with veterans on monday and I'll just work like crazy, go home, avoid people, and repeat until I leave. Even if I go back to CT or not I plan to move to at least another part of PA by the summer.

Fuck my life. I'm tired of feeling tired of life at the age of 20. I'm tired of feeling like my soul is aged well beyond it's years. I need something different.

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

Sick and tired of my Fiancés family(her mom mostly). She/they blame me for "fucking her life up". I'm sorry for what's happened but I didn't fucking make your daughter use drugs. Don't blame me for the shit. I know they've never really liked me that much but it's time for them to suck it up and get the fuck over it. I'm here and I ain't going anywhere. The shit she's done was all on her own. I tried to help her and ourselves and y'all didn't do shit but move away and then when she asks you for your help you basically told her to go fuck herself, yeah shows how much you care. She's getting the help she needs now without your help, so get off my fucking back!! The shits' in the past and there ain't nothing you can you can do about it and sorry but she's not leaving me - what I wish I could say to their face

I just wanna pack all our shit up and get away from this shit hole state and all it's asshole people. There ain't shit for us here and there never will be except for ppl to drag us back down.
I feel better now

 

[Eveleivibe]

I really want to leave this hole of a town. I honestly wish I never came back because it was really fucking stupid of me. I stupidly been doing heroin for like a week or so and I haven't even paid for it. My "friend" keeps getting me high and I don't know wtf I'm doing. I was clean since January, but as soon as I came back to PA I've been getting high again and I hate it. Friday I got so fucking high and threw up like crazy after I did a few lines, I did not miss this! I sat there and asked my friend wtf are we doing? I'm so done. She hit me up today, but I didn't go see her. I could have gotten high again and for free, but said fuck it and stayed inside all day. I'm over this shit even though I say it all the time. I just can't do this anymore and it makes me fucking hate myself. I wish I never started using dope at eighteen.

My dad wants me to call him after he heard about my mom punching me in the face and our nonstop fighting. My sister wants me to ask him if I can move in with him. I don't know. It would be fucking weird, but being back here is so toxic especially with the fighting and drugs. I need a change of scenery though. However, for now I should be getting a job working with veterans on monday and I'll just work like crazy, go home, avoid people, and repeat until I leave. Even if I go back to CT or not I plan to move to at least another part of PA by the summer.

Fuck my life. I'm tired of feeling tired of life at the age of 20. I'm tired of feeling like my soul is aged well beyond it's years. I need something different.

Awh bless you're only a young em. Well done on refusing the drugs. That can't have been easy n you did it. No one can tell you what to do for the best, only you can do that - but we will support you through this. You can do this. Have you been to the sober living forum there because there is a thread for people getting clean each month.

Evey xxxx

 

[Maya]

I really want to leave this hole of a town. I honestly wish I never came back because it was really fucking stupid of me. I stupidly been doing heroin for like a week or so and I haven't even paid for it. My "friend" keeps getting me high and I don't know wtf I'm doing. I was clean since January, but as soon as I came back to PA I've been getting high again and I hate it. Friday I got so fucking high and threw up like crazy after I did a few lines, I did not miss this! I sat there and asked my friend wtf are we doing? I'm so done. She hit me up today, but I didn't go see her. I could have gotten high again and for free, but said fuck it and stayed inside all day. I'm over this shit even though I say it all the time. I just can't do this anymore and it makes me fucking hate myself. I wish I never started using dope at eighteen.

Hi hun, maybe you should try living with your dad and see if it works out for you. Change is good sometimes, you need to be in a place where there are no triggers and loving people so maybe you ca bond with your dad and you can work together for your recovery.

I can't still can't believe that some parents can hurt their child like that, punching a daughter in the face? Wow that is just wow.

 

[Eveleivibe]

I need to release this vent. Some people don't realize how lucky they are. They have kids n they have so many people to look after their kids for them, grandparents arguing over who can have them, other relatives watching them, having them overnight etc etc. These people do not realise how lucky they are at all. Unless I can afford a child minder or school is on I don't have a choice but these people do and all they do is whine, bitch, moan, and it """"""" off. One mother I know is hardly with her child (not that I'd want that but is it wrong to want a break in a while to have something for me? obviously it is and obviously I'm a bad mam for feeling this way.) People say "well you have your daughter" like I'm meant to be a mother n nothing else. I never signed up to be a single mother n is it wrong to want a break at times?

I'm not wanting pity here so don't go giving me any. I'm venting n that's it because it's a vent thread n I need to off-load this c***. I love being a mother, don't get me wrong and I love my daughter but is it so wrong that I want some of the stuff that others have? I didn't vent this stuff before because I felt guilty and that's how I my addiction started. No f wonder. I'm not surprised it did.

I was at the recovery group on Thursday while they were making plans and all I kept saying was "No can't do that, it's after a certain time" while others were just able to say "yes I'll come, no problem" I can't help feeling resentful and then I feel guilty for feeling these resentful feelings. All I kept thinking earlier was "only another 10 years n I'll be free to do what I want." What sort of a bloody mother thinks like THAT???? I'll be thinking that way since the beginning so I can't be a very nice person to think it. And is it a wonder I got addicted when I wanted these anger and resentful feelings gone n to feel as I should feel?????

 

[darriensmum]

All I can tell you girl, is your normal . And it takes a lot of courage to say what other's are thinking

 

[kace]

I hate it and am ashamed to admit it, but I can't stop self harming and doing weird compulsive behaviour. I keep getting stuck in a cycle of doing it. I keep hitting myself in the head, burning myself with roll ups, using needles to cut myself with and knives. It's only been this consistent since Friday, but I'm struggling to control myself. I wonder if it's linked to the comedown of cocaine and crack? :/
I'm ashamed of everyone in this town I know, knowing I'm an addict. Too nervous to go out. I haven't met with any friends since August, I was in the progress of changing and started talking to people before I found that my ex knows and was shouting about it.
I was going to move out of my house due to problems with my housemates (one screaming to herself, another accusing me of stealing from her room and purposely standing outside my room to bitch about me.. I swear that I have never even stepped foot in her room. I do not want anything to do with her as I realised that despite her severe memory problems, she is a very callous person.)
My boyfriend isn't helping things. He keeps snapping at me, things he's bottled up. He snaps, we used to argue but I just go back to breaking down now. I know I have self harmed recently, I do it out of pure self loathing and in private/ when my bf is asleep from smoking opiates. Yesterday I said something wrong and he grabbed a needle and hovered it above his arm! He doesn't inject, never has and I will not let him do it. Oh and mid argument, he kept grabbing roll ups from my mouth to try to burn himself with them (we basically wrestled as I was trying to stop him). Oh and I nearly forgot him picking up some heavy weights and dangling them above his head in anger as I've been talking about going on a break or splitting up because of me being too depressed and all this insane and crazy unhealthy behaviour.
Things are starting to cool off, and he is not threatening to harm himself anymore, but he keeps snapping at me about bottled up things and lying which is just now making me incredibly down. It's scary how different he is to the normal him, when things are bad. It reminds me of my abusive ex's manipulative behaviour..
I'm just trying to stop my negative ramblings and keep together, but I'm feeling a bit trapped as he won't leave me alone, and anxious he will turn..
He is starting on subutex as well tomorrow, (I managed to get him to agree to start a program! That's what I wanted to do when I met him, not become an addict myself). I have been on subutex for a while again, but am struggling and messed up again last week, missing the Friday and Saturday collections, losing my prescription. I hate myself for it.
I'm so sorry this was so long and droney. Congrats to anyone who actually managed to read it! I'm sorry if the paragraphs didn't work properly, I will sort it out properly when I'm on a computer, I've just been sat on the floor, typing this up as my bf was too wasted and started sobbing when I asked him to stick to the earlier agreement to leave... Sorry. I feel terrible for saying anything about our relationship.

 

[Corazon]

woke up this morning after a good rest (something crazy like 10pm-6am)(i guess that is how you are supposed to sleep, but it seems crazy early on both ends to me) , and was completely crazy and unhappy and angry about my situation.

maybe that means I will make some progress today?

I am also trying to convince myself that I am experiencing Post Traumatic Growth instead of PTSD.
It's fun to say, but I don't feel it yet.
I like the idea, but can I honestly claim to be stronger? I have to do some things first to even have legitimacy in that claim.
I feel like someone with a dominant personality that has been crushed by life, who's life is broken and been restricted for years and years. For some reason I don't want to kill myself or OD. I actually really think that I will still be successful.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Decision made. I'm quitting my masters. I can't cope with it no more n I can't afford it. I'm cutting my losses. I've enough modules to get a post grad certificate so I will apply for that.
I don't know what's the money with me lately I can't seem to think clearly n everything seems muddled. I've had a rubbish grade for an assignment I worked really hard on n it would cost money to re-do it. Like £100. I don't have it.

Was a stupid idea to do this masters in the first place. All that money for nothing. Gone.

Oh well that's life.
I'm not intelligent so people should finally believe me n stop telling me otherwise.

I've failed n it's no one's fault but my own!