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Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

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Not intelligent ?, as you know I've not been responding to your posts but that struck a chord with me.

I had a bad time at school, hated it and was told I'd never amount to anything. I got a few O levels (GCSEs) and got out ASAP. My parents wanted me to do the whole university thing, I didnt. I did a bit of this and that for a couple of years and then managed to get a tea boys job at a big electronics company.

I moved out of home when I got my first pay packet and got on with things, I learnt quickly and found I did have a talent for things engineering and technical. By the time my school friends had their degrees I had been promoted to Engineer and responsible for a product, I traveled Europe installing and maintaining high end Sat Comms equipment. I've moved on 3 times since then and continued to be successful professionally, we are from the UK so we don't talk about money;)

Maybe the time just isnt right or maybe that type of education just isnt for you, it's not a waste as you've gained new experiences. I've never felt held back by my lack of formal education, I know many people with such things that seem to lack 'intelligence' of any kind.

Maybe its time to have a rethink about what your real end goals are and if there are other ways or working towards them. Ironically given the above I've never had any ambitions to be anything, work is a means to an end for me.
 
I've always found you to be intelligent from your postings on here to be honest. Although I'm on benefits I have respect for people who work more than those who have degrees. Maybe it's because my family are hard working people. The fact you did all that n got where you are now from basically nothing so to speak, is great n I admire you for it.

I don't know where I go but I've learnt a few valuable lessons: not to throw £600 on an iPhone because I have savings from working, not to think I can afford an almost £6,000 masters course with only £4,600 because of the unexpected - getting addicted to ****** n spending at least $259 on 112 tabs n then some. Also due to my eyesight prob, the classroom isn't for me I end up coming home completely depressed. The last time I threw a toaster, screamed n took a load of citalopram (of which I'm ashamed) so I'm best away from that environment.

That was kind of you to respond to me, Allein, I haven't exactly been friendly to you lately n I apologise for that. I'm also saddened to hear that you're father is ill that can't be easy.

Evey
 
There's a big difference between being intelligent and being good at schooling. Learning to do assignments doesn't transfer well into the real world at all these days. Sure it teaches you deadlines and how to do your own research but it's a massivly flawed system.
 
I have never felt so humiliated n like a failure in my life. I shouldn't have been so arrogant to think I could do it. I can't seem to think anymore. I really thought I'd done ok n seeing that grade was a complete shock.

It's so completely exhausting trying to read n look through all those papers. I'm not trying to make excuses. It was. Every module i had to go in for 3 days with guest speakers n they had not produced the documents in large font for me - so the group I was put in, they'd all ignore me n talk amongst themselves like I was invisible (nothing new, most people do that anyway) talking amonst themselves.

I mean they were doctors, psychologists, nutritionists/dieticians, lecturers etc - and there was just me, a single mother on benefits with a visual impairment. They're not going to want to associate with me, are they? I was a bloody idiot for doing it. Ugh!

I'm going to have to see if I can apply for a post grad certificate with modules I have.

Trying to be positive but don't like myself right now.

Evey xxxx
 
I don't have a desire to get fucked up yet but I certainly have a desire to be reckless right now. I just drove down the highway at 100-110mph all the way home from a meeting, weaving in and out of traffic, blasting music as loud as possible without totally blowing out my speakers trying to drown out the noise in my head. And if i'm being completely honest here I wasn't about to purposely crash my car but it would be a lie if I said part of me wasn't hoping for a tire to blow out and cause me to lose control. I don't really feel like explaining whats going on right now but suffice to say I had tough day.
 
Sorry - I need to vent :(

Feel like a complete n utter useless, waste of space. No gppd at anything. Now only a s*** post grad certificate cause I am not up to masters level. This is going to make a lot of people happy knowing this has happened to me. Really don't know the point in anything anymore. I'm just existing. No good at anything n can't find any joy in life these days.

Why would I get a good grade on my first assignment but only just pass the rest??? I failed one before this n had to pay £75 to resubmit. I don't have £75 to resubmit this assignment. I slogged my guts out on that assignment. It was exhausting for me to read through those papers, type out all those figures, get the graphs right proof read it. Have it checked with study skills n I'm a complete failure "very poor" she put. Screw it I'm just gitted :(

PS: i just want to be of some value to others.
 
Snitches... Smh...

So, lets just say this "friend " of my fiancés told us he knew where to score some herb.. Which was cool, I had no prob with that.. I decided one day that I was looking for something a little "heavier" that I would call and ask him if he knew where to score... Well, this lil bitch went str8 to my fiancé and told him!!! Oh, I was pissy.. I still am, thinking about it.. For one, I told my fiance dude you knew who I was when you chose to be with me so thats that.. My issue is with your so called "friend".... Cuz if he will SNITCH on me to you, that means he will SNITCH on us.... And we all know what snitches get, right?? Needless to say, this convo will probably be had for awhile around here.. :p
 
Eveleivibe said:
Feel like a complete n utter useless, waste of space. No gppd at anything.


PS: i just want to be of some value to others.
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These are opinions and labels you are placing on yourself, the more you do that the more your self image will be damaged. Usefulness and value can't be measured on any one scale and qualifications won’t give you more of either.

You tried which is more than many and you also concluded that, at this time you didn’t want to continue, this may turn out to be the best decision you ever made.

I speak as someone that struggles with a very poor self image, self loathing is a big issue for me and then I hate myself for that as well. If you allow these kind of things to dominate your thinking then it will become a self fulfilling prophecy, there are aspects or my behaviour that could be described as self harm.

I wouldn’t presume to understand your life but sometimes it does seem that you create bad feeling from others as this fits with your assumption that you are not wanted, this isnt a dig I do much the same myself at times.


My rant:-

Mailed a drug abuse service last night, I've used them in the past and checked out their website before mailing. I get a mail this morning saying they no longer operate in my area and gave me 2 other services to try.
Turns out neither service is suitable or even anywhere near me, thanks for that.

So determined to follow this through I go online and find another service and get in contact, it turns out that they are operating both the locations previously run by the people I used previously. This service is used by the NHS for referrals so I assume they lost the contract. How can they not have the details of the new provider available ? this is a big organisation not a small charity. I wonder how many people have lost the motivation to seek help due to their indifference.
 
That's true. I've realised that sub-conciously I will push people away or give them "tests" to see how much of a friend they are. Not healthy n I only just realised the other day that, that was what I was doing.
I've decided because I can't afford to re-submit it. But you may be right it may be a good decision.

That doesn't sound good that they have no contact for the new provider.
 
opiumlady7310 said:
So, lets just say this "friend " of my fiancés told us he knew where to score some herb.. Which was cool, I had no prob with that.. I decided one day that I was looking for something a little "heavier" that I would call and ask him if he knew where to score... Well, this lil bitch went str8 to my fiancé and told him!!! Oh, I was pissy.. I still am, thinking about it.. For one, I told my fiance dude you knew who I was when you chose to be with me so thats that.. My issue is with your so called "friend".... Cuz if he will SNITCH on me to you, that means he will SNITCH on us.... And we all know what snitches get, right?? Needless to say, this convo will probably be had for awhile around here.. :p
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His friend telling him that his loved one is after hard drugs just sounds like he is being a good friend honestly. The fact that you equate this with snitching on both of you seems kind of bizarre. If my fiance/wife was looking to score heroin from one of my friends I would hope they would tell me. Imagine if he was banging another girl and one of your friends knew about it but didn't tell you? Would you think that's right or would you be pissed at your friend because she didn't tell you? Or what if you had kids and your younger kid told you that your older kid starting doing opiates? Would you tell him not to snitch on his brother? Be real.

You just sound bitter that you got caught trying to hide something from your fiance. If you can't be honest with him about something like this then it’s safe to assume your marriage is failed before you even get married. It may sounds harsh but i would be willing to bet my yearly wage on it. Either you are afraid of your fiancé's reaction or you have zero respect for him, both of which will not work for any length of time.
 
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You had to know you were opening yourself up for some major scrutiny. I know a lot of weed smokers who take a harsh stance when it comes to harder drugs. It would be different if this person had told you they can get other stuff. But asking that apparently got him worried so of course he shared this with your fiancé.
 
I completely agree with Allein here. It's hard to accept but the majority of this is self perpetuated negative thoughts. I can basically promise you that nobody goes around spending time thinking about how terrible of a person you are, Evey... I used to think the same things especially in high school, though I've come to realize that it's sort of a self centered view to have because frankly nobody gives a shit. I mean that in a positive way, I'm NOT saying that nobody cares about you - all I'm saying is that the people who don't care about you certainly can't be bothered to waste their time thinking negative things about you.

And as for your own negative thoughts, it's sort of a cycle that perpetrates itself like I said before. Negative self thoughts cause a negative self image which causes more negative self thoughts which causes a worse self image which causes even worse thoughts, so on and so forth. It's taken me a while to realize and admit this same thing to myself - and since then whenever I catch myself thinking something bad about myself I stop and laugh it off in a sense and consider the reality, try to figure out where the thought came from and look at it from a logical stand point, if that makes sense. Positive affirmations help with retraining your thinking as well.


And as far as school goes, the first assignment is always the easiest and things get more difficult from there. Doing poorly in a class doesn't make you a failure if you honestly tried hard to do well. It makes it a difficult class, that's it. You can learn from the mistakes you have made and give it another shot in the future if you choose to do so. You already have a degree so you obviously aren't a stupid person. A masters degree wouldn't be a masters degree if it wasn't difficult to earn, ya know? Just keep trying and don't give up, and don't beat yourself up if you make mistakes!!!
 
It's ok I was just feeling sorry for myself :) I'm trying to keep my mind off it. I've got a BSc in Psychology so that's something I suppose and I'm going to ask my tutor if I can use the currently modules I have to claime a post graduate certificate and maybe use that to a master in a few years' time when I've sorted my life out. Pure C****** has ruined everything and if I ever get a L5/S1 disc herniation again I'll never touch that damn stuff. If I'd never touch that's I'd not be on s******* which has basically turned my brain isn't into mud... I hope that when I'm off the damn stuff my brain will work again. I used to have a brilliant memory now it's hard remembering what day it is.
I can't re-submit the childhood obesity assignment because I can't afford to pay the re-submit fee. I'm paying £51 a month because I had to re-submit another assignment and every time I fail it dents my confidence more. Tutors are not exactly tactful.

Not making excuses but what the other students would read I'd take three times as long to read and I get absolutely exhausted after. I slogged my guts out on that assignment. It took so long being up night after night to early hours in the morning just to fail it. I'm absolutely devastated. I wouldn't mind if I'd messed around or had been ill - I could have re-submitted knowing I could make more of an effort but where do you go when you exhaust yourself reading ONE paper???? When I went to the last study session I came home depressed, took a load of antidepressants, threw the toaster and sobbed. The guest speaker hadn't enlarged the papers and so the groups I was in completely ignored me. I felt completely inadequate. This was last November. I remember sneaking off to the toilet to just sob n at the time I was trying some other antidepressant but it's not nice sitting there basically looking at a blank wall when everyone else is able to engage with the lesson.

I may do some short courses like pottery. That sounds like fun.

Evey xxxx
 
opiumlady7310 said:
Wow... Thanks for your non valued opinion...
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Were you not looking for discussion?

I can see you are obviously upset that you were betrayed but are you at least able to see that perhaps it wasn't done maliciously? Just something to think about.
 
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Nah, wasnt really looking to discuss, just to vent..I prefer people (especially close friends) who know when to keep their mouths shut... That has been learned from years of experience.... I just feel we (he) made a bad "friend" judgement call is all.. And yes, it is something I take very personally.. I and others I know have done time for doin what our mothers told us to do.... DONT TATTLE!!!! Jus my experience.. Not worth much at this point anyways...
 
fuck.
life.
fuck.
everyone.
fuck.
the.
human.
race.

dont pm me trying to consolidate me or wipe my ass or anything it aint gonna help if you need to boost your ego then go ahead and do it but I don't give a fuck. I love making enemies.
My life might as well be over and don't ask why because I don't know. I don't need anything either.
 
I'm just so pissed with myself at the moment!!

I know what's best for me but why do I keep gong down these ugly paths, that destroy me...?

{IDK} /rant
 
gr33n3y3z said:
I'm just so pissed with myself at the moment!!

I know what's best for me but why do I keep gong down these ugly paths, that destroy me...?

{IDK} /rant
Click to expand...

Because you are only human and you make mistakes <3
 
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