HdoubleODeezy
Bluelighter
2 of my friends from when i was a teen, AND my great grandmother have died in the past month.
All good people too.
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Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)
- Thread starter neversickanymore
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2 of my friends from when i was a teen, AND my great grandmother have died in the past month.
All good people too.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I still want to break down and cry about what I dreamed about.
It seems stupid but it was very upsetting.
I am feeling comforted by being alone right now though so I'll be ok.
It seems stupid but it was very upsetting.
I am feeling comforted by being alone right now though so I'll be ok.
I guess you mean Knock, Evey.
He was certainly one of lifes good guys and he is going to be missed a helluva lot by lots of people.
I just wish he could see how much everyone thought of him.
R.I.P Knock.
sarcophagus.heels
Bluelighter
^ Would you mind me asking about the dream? Why was it so upsetting?
Eveleivibe
Ex-Bluelighter
yes I mean knock. can't stop crying ffs
I just read my last pm with him n I did get to tell him he was an ace mod etc. I suppose that's something but not really
why the fuck did this have to happen
^ I'm so sorry your feeling this way, BL is very upset about his death. I wish you peace Hun, and it's healthy to cry and to feel these emotions. I saw him post here and there but I never actually talked to him, but from the thread I read in EADD it seems like he was a very likable easy going, funny guy. So where he's resting I'm sure he is at peace.
Everyone here that's feeling in the dumps today just please take care of yourselves, you only have one body one chance, live life like there's no tomorrow. I have major love for my BL community so lets start taking better care of are selves and each other.
I'm always a PM away for anybody that needs to talk.
Everyone here that's feeling in the dumps today just please take care of yourselves, you only have one body one chance, live life like there's no tomorrow. I have major love for my BL community so lets start taking better care of are selves and each other.
I'm always a PM away for anybody that needs to talk.
HdoubleODeezy
Bluelighter
Fucking dr is taking forever to call in my medication!!! Im about to take something else which is a bad idea and i know it because my medication is supposed to help me off it!! UGH!
I have so much pain right now it's not funny.
I dont take opiates for the high, i take them for pain relief. And my medication is the only non opiate med i have found so far that works for me.
Guess ill pop a couple ibuprofen until this works itself out.
Im going crazy here
I have so much pain right now it's not funny.
I dont take opiates for the high, i take them for pain relief. And my medication is the only non opiate med i have found so far that works for me.
Guess ill pop a couple ibuprofen until this works itself out.
Im going crazy here
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AcidRAEn
Bluelighter
I'm so stressed out these days..I lay awake at night crunching numbers. I'm getting jerked around from so many different directions and it's driving me crazy. I lost my job due to my drug use, then came the accidental pregnancy. No one wanted to hire a pregnant chick. After I gave birth Eli and I were going to work opposite shifts but he went to prison when my son was only 3 months old. Since then I have been living off of government assistance because I have no one to watch my son so I could work. We get $300 a month for food and $200 for everything else (which means after the electric bill, diapers, and phone bill I am pretty much broke again.
Just recently I qualified for a program that pays for my son to go to daycare so I can go back to work..now that he is over a year old (they won't waive fees for small babies). Despite missing my son I was so excited to start being self-sufficient. There are just soo many stipulations and the punishment for not meeting them is losing my benefits.. then I would really be fucked. I live in a small city and right now it's the slow season so no one is hiring. The ones who are hiring won't take me because I'm only available mornings and afternoons M-F when daycare is open. So now I have to do community service and they require 35 hours a week but with daycare and the public transportation schedule I can only get in 30 hours..so I'm totally freaking out. I've found a possible job but they can only give me 20-25 hours a week so they can avoid offering health insurance so I have to supplement with community service..again I have to figure out my time constraints and how long it will take me to walk or ride bus from point A to point B. I live on the opposite end of town from the daycare so I have to catch the last bus of the day at 5 or we get stranded in town.
Ughhhhhhhh.
I'm thankful for the help I'm getting and I understand that a lot of people abuse the system so I understand why they have to make sure you're trying to better your situation..but its really stressing me out on top of the stress I'm already experiencing. I'm 25 years old and I'm already going gray.
Last month I had to do 140 hours of job searching and my social worker said i was the first person to ask for a second sign-in log and the first person to be completely honest with my time log (turns out I could log a 20 minute visit as a full hour so I did way more than 140 hours). They know I'm trying as hard as I can so why can't they work with me? Ugh.
I haven't smoked in months but I need a fucking cigarette.
Just recently I qualified for a program that pays for my son to go to daycare so I can go back to work..now that he is over a year old (they won't waive fees for small babies). Despite missing my son I was so excited to start being self-sufficient. There are just soo many stipulations and the punishment for not meeting them is losing my benefits.. then I would really be fucked. I live in a small city and right now it's the slow season so no one is hiring. The ones who are hiring won't take me because I'm only available mornings and afternoons M-F when daycare is open. So now I have to do community service and they require 35 hours a week but with daycare and the public transportation schedule I can only get in 30 hours..so I'm totally freaking out. I've found a possible job but they can only give me 20-25 hours a week so they can avoid offering health insurance so I have to supplement with community service..again I have to figure out my time constraints and how long it will take me to walk or ride bus from point A to point B. I live on the opposite end of town from the daycare so I have to catch the last bus of the day at 5 or we get stranded in town.
Ughhhhhhhh.
I'm thankful for the help I'm getting and I understand that a lot of people abuse the system so I understand why they have to make sure you're trying to better your situation..but its really stressing me out on top of the stress I'm already experiencing. I'm 25 years old and I'm already going gray.
Last month I had to do 140 hours of job searching and my social worker said i was the first person to ask for a second sign-in log and the first person to be completely honest with my time log (turns out I could log a 20 minute visit as a full hour so I did way more than 140 hours). They know I'm trying as hard as I can so why can't they work with me? Ugh.
I haven't smoked in months but I need a fucking cigarette.
AcidRAEn
Bluelighter
That doesn't seem stupid. I've had some particularly vivid dreams that fucked me up for a few days. Ones where I wake up crying. The worst I've ever had it was a series of 3 in one night.
Serious mind-fucks. I feel your pain.
I despise being the kind of person who complains a lot. I despise knowing I am often a blob of negative energy. Far too often I am the opposite of what I want to be. Often I find myself dreaming of how I want my life to be, only to freak out and break down when I come to realize how far of a distance it feels, the distance between the life I want to live and the life I actually live.
I'm a firm believer in Karma. Intention is everything. I believe we get exactly what we deserve, despite how difficult it is for me to keep this belief, I stand by it and remind myself of this when I am in hard times. It forces me to remain positive. If not that than to at least be strong.
I'd like to believe as a whole and overall I hold good intentions and for the most part send out love and positive energy much more than I do hate or negativity. I strive to be a beacon of positivity and good energy for those who cross paths with me in life, most importantly for those who I wish to keep in my life. However, more and more I find myself having striking realizations that my life is not how I'd hoped it would be. More and more I find people leaving rather than staying. Along side this, I find myself being more lonesome than ever before, more scared than ever before. As I grow older, I feel myself cracking under the weight of the world. I'm drowning in sorrow most of the time, any real "positive" times I feel are usually while under the influence of drugs. Synthetic feelings to coincidence with synthetic compounds.
I'm not sure what it is but I feel I've become increasingly aware and conscious of my body and mind over the last 2 or 3 years. In the past 3 years I've taken plenty of psychedelics, research chemicals and other such substances. Nothing is really off limits to me, except for stimulants, except Molly (I like 5-mapb and other mdma-like compounds). Lately I've been reading about Chinese Philosophy, particular Tibetan Buddhism, through my readings I've come to believe everyone gets exactly what they deserve, through the influences of karma and other such outside universal forces. I believe I hold good beliefs, good morals and do my best to positively influence the world around me. Despite this I often find myself sulking over myself, perhaps stuck in a hole feeling sorry for myself. I question why, why do I feel this way? What have I done? I am often striken with anxiety and restlessness.
Drugs are sadly a huge part of my life. I think about them every day. I go to them every waking moment. As much as I try, I sadly can not imagine an existence anymore without the use of drugs. The saddest part about all of that is that is precisely the one thing I'd like to live. You see, I can't help but believe my use of drugs and my negative influences have caused me tremendous negative karma. Sometimes while under the influence, I am convinced of such things like I am haunted, or possessed by evil forces. Other times I find myself crying, believing that every little negative thing that has happened to me is directly my fault. People leaving my life, not wanting to be associated with me, not caring what really happens to me, its these truths that I have to come to grips with every day that drive me in a spiral of negativity, ultimately causing me to use again and causing any positivity within me to die.
Not even sure what I'm going for at this point. Life is terrifyingly scary. I don't want to die alone or in pain but I fear my life is going to be a shadow of what it could have been. I'm trapped.
I'm a firm believer in Karma. Intention is everything. I believe we get exactly what we deserve, despite how difficult it is for me to keep this belief, I stand by it and remind myself of this when I am in hard times. It forces me to remain positive. If not that than to at least be strong.
I'd like to believe as a whole and overall I hold good intentions and for the most part send out love and positive energy much more than I do hate or negativity. I strive to be a beacon of positivity and good energy for those who cross paths with me in life, most importantly for those who I wish to keep in my life. However, more and more I find myself having striking realizations that my life is not how I'd hoped it would be. More and more I find people leaving rather than staying. Along side this, I find myself being more lonesome than ever before, more scared than ever before. As I grow older, I feel myself cracking under the weight of the world. I'm drowning in sorrow most of the time, any real "positive" times I feel are usually while under the influence of drugs. Synthetic feelings to coincidence with synthetic compounds.
I'm not sure what it is but I feel I've become increasingly aware and conscious of my body and mind over the last 2 or 3 years. In the past 3 years I've taken plenty of psychedelics, research chemicals and other such substances. Nothing is really off limits to me, except for stimulants, except Molly (I like 5-mapb and other mdma-like compounds). Lately I've been reading about Chinese Philosophy, particular Tibetan Buddhism, through my readings I've come to believe everyone gets exactly what they deserve, through the influences of karma and other such outside universal forces. I believe I hold good beliefs, good morals and do my best to positively influence the world around me. Despite this I often find myself sulking over myself, perhaps stuck in a hole feeling sorry for myself. I question why, why do I feel this way? What have I done? I am often striken with anxiety and restlessness.
Drugs are sadly a huge part of my life. I think about them every day. I go to them every waking moment. As much as I try, I sadly can not imagine an existence anymore without the use of drugs. The saddest part about all of that is that is precisely the one thing I'd like to live. You see, I can't help but believe my use of drugs and my negative influences have caused me tremendous negative karma. Sometimes while under the influence, I am convinced of such things like I am haunted, or possessed by evil forces. Other times I find myself crying, believing that every little negative thing that has happened to me is directly my fault. People leaving my life, not wanting to be associated with me, not caring what really happens to me, its these truths that I have to come to grips with every day that drive me in a spiral of negativity, ultimately causing me to use again and causing any positivity within me to die.
Not even sure what I'm going for at this point. Life is terrifyingly scary. I don't want to die alone or in pain but I fear my life is going to be a shadow of what it could have been. I'm trapped.
We all have to die at some stage and it seems his tome was now, his life was not in any way a waste and was as valuable as any other.
FWIW I really liked the guy and had panned on PMing him after he stopped being a mod in EADD, but I was full of self doubt and missed my chance.
We had chatted on techy matters and I like to think he enjoyed that, whatever took him from us I hope it was peaceful, it was clear to me he was suffering with acute depression, having been there a number of times I hope he at least had people hr could contact if he had wanted to.
His soul has now returned to the sea of consciousness as it's waved wash across the golden sand and true freedom is now is
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
Not looking forward to an overnight shift
Maya
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2013
- Messages
- 7,310
Not looking forward to an overnight shift
not looking for tomorrow's work day! Lots of problems at work that seems we are getting blamed on ugh!! Really can't stand the owner and cant wait to move to another province and GTFO!!!! I am just savin up this year and bye bye
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I appreciate it.
sarcophagus.heels
Bluelighter
We all have to die at some stage and it seems his tome was now, his life was not in any way a waste and was as valuable as any other.
FWIW I really liked the guy and had panned on PMing him after he stopped being a mod in EADD, but I was full of self doubt and missed my chance.
We had chatted on techy matters and I like to think he enjoyed that, whatever took him from us I hope it was peaceful, it was clear to me he was suffering with acute depression, having been there a number of times I hope he at least had people hr could contact if he had wanted to.
His soul has now returned to the sea of consciousness as it's waved wash across the golden sand and true freedom is now is
It's always sad to see someone go. And that was a beautiful sentiment
I'm kinda shocked and pissed at the same time...So I'm sure most of us have heard of these "cellphone scammers".
Ha I'm glad I had my cell volume set on mute, because I checked missed calls ect. And I saw this odd number and decided to Google it...you guessed it a fucking scammer.
Ha I'm glad I had my cell volume set on mute, because I checked missed calls ect. And I saw this odd number and decided to Google it...you guessed it a fucking scammer.
Maya
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2013
- Messages
- 7,310
Ugh! there's a 1-877 number calling my phone every morning around 10 am and I googled it and it's also a scammer
block that shit.. go to your providers web sight and should have a block option
Yea I Have Washington DC calling me ATM haha I'm not picking up, or other unknown callers fuck em'.
It truly pisses me off, I really never thought that one would call my cell. Ima go ape shit on these hackers/scammers.
Another thing is just don't pick up ur cell.
It truly pisses me off, I really never thought that one would call my cell. Ima go ape shit on these hackers/scammers.
Another thing is just don't pick up ur cell.
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