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Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

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I'm liking the new attitude you have, Eve! Show them how strong you really are. Don't reply to them, don't even give them the time of day. People who take the time to go out of their way and hurt you do not deserve the time it takes for you to reply to them. Ignoring people sometimes says way more than words.
 
Lol this person has been doing this for 18 months now n I aint heard nothing from them since I came to Bluelight. When I read the E-mail I just laughed n though how sad this person is going round following a complete stranger, messing with them when they're in addiction getting heavily drunk daily, n sending nasty messages. Their life must be really messed up that's all I can say. Following a person I don't know would bore me after a day let alone 18 months. No help for some people :)
Thanks addy n Mr.scag xxxx
 
Long ass original post which may be triggering...
NSFW:

I am really looking forward to finally starting my suboxone script, but really nervous at the same time. I'm back on track tapering off of benzos, going down a mg every 2 weeks. In the past, every time I got down to 12mgs of Valium a day, I got extremely depressed and suicidal. The suicidal thoughts would be in my head 24/7, from the moment I woke up till I finally got to sleep. I only honestly tried my best to ignore the thoughts, but it just became too much and would always attempt suicide. Ugh. It fucked me up badly, I've permanently damaged my body from it. My body has so loads of nasty scars from all the fag burns I gave to myself which are disgusting.

Now it's my third attempt of tapering below 12mgs, I'm doing okay so far. I did take an overdose in December, but it was mostly due to that month giving me flashbacks and horrible memories. Anyway, the same week I go on my script and come off heroin Ill be below my safe amount. I'm scared! Any advice?

This week I found out there was N.A meetings close by and went to one. I found it really helpful and met some lovely people. I'm not religious, but am open minded enough to go along with that aspect to the meetings.

That's another thing, I really don't know what to do with my relationship with my partner who uses and sort of introduced me to heroin and crack. He is obviously physically addicted to heroin like me, but has a much stronger mental addiction and attachment to it. I've been completely honest about my thoughts on how our relationship won't work if I'm giving it up and he stays on it. All we do is use together, it has to stop. He says how he will stop for me and so forth, but wouldn't accept help. :/

I think he's in denial about how addicted he is, he seems happy living the way he is, pretending to be homeless to get money for drugs then using. Argh.

I love him, but I'm trying to move on in life and become clean.



Btw, Captain Heroin- your inbox is full man! Not sure if you knew or not.
 
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Hiya Kace,

First of all I would advise that you copy this post n make a thread in sober living. Reason being is that this is the vent thread n you may not get as much support/responses to this. You could E-mail (pm) one of the mods n if they could possibily do this for you. I think that way more people will see this n you'll get a more varied amount of advice. Do you think that may be a good idea?

I'm sincerely sorry for all you've been through.

I don't want to have to say this to you but if your relationship began on heroin there's a possibly it won't last or be a healthy relationship. I am on 12mg suboxone n that amount should stop any cravings of opiates for you. However, it is possible that your partner isn't ready to give up the H like you are which may bad bad feeling on both parts. I want you to be prepared for this because you mention that you had suicidal thoughts n that the heroin stopped that for you. If your relationship doesn't make it I'd rather you be prepared for that than it be a massive shock down the line n set you back.

I'm not saying that will happen. He may be willing to quit n you may both be able to have a healthy relationship. It has happened n you may be lucky. But I feel right if I said what you wanted to hear - that's not always the helpful approach.

What line of support do you have for you recovery? Is it NA only? I don 't mean to ask that in a judgemental way - lots of people have benefited using the NA approach; going to meeting and / using their 12-step approach. However, I'm worried that you have not dealt with the suicidal thoughts. You are masking those with the heroin, as you say n suboxone can be a shock to the system as you don't get the euthoria "the high" that opiates give you , you tend to feel very much normal. Have you ever talked to a therapist about what's happened? Suboxone is a tool, a very good tool but only if used with other tools too.

I'm sorry if this post is negative but I feel that the only way I can offer any true support to you is the be honest.

If you do decide to make this into a thread please take my post with it if you don't mind. Reason being is others may / may not agree n it's important for you to get as much support as you can during this time. Hope I haven't offended you in any way as that's not my intention.

Wishing you all the very best with your recovery n I'm here if you ever need to talk you're welcome to PM me anytime

Evey xxxx
 
I was doing great on MMT. Just taking my doses and smoking medical cannabis. Bills were paid. Things were nice. Then my family decides that I have to get off MMT or leave the house immediately (no trigger, they were just embarrassed of having a child on MMT).

So I'm forced on Suboxone (thank God they cut me that break). For the past year I've been trying to wean myself down. Went from 195mg Methadone/Day to my current 10mg Bupe/Day, in just under a year. I'm continuing to lower my Bupe dose, I wanna end this dependency once and for all. But my family just doesn't get the pain/anxiety/utter despair. I've turned to benzos to help cope with the dystopia I live in as I come to terms with my ever shrinking opioid dose. Occasionally I overdo it. Nothing crazy, but I'll come home after work and just want to go to bed at 8pm or 9.

Because I didn't vacuum the entire house the day I was asked (I was genuinely busy), and because I spent 20% of my paycheck on MMJ I'm getting kicked out of my house. Right when I'm about to get my shit together. Why can't my family bother to at least try to understand what I'm going through? Why do they not appreciate my progress? How can they give up on me so quickly?

I need the hard dose of reality, but being kicked-out over night when I'm so close to being in control again?

It put me over the edge and I scored some heroin. Not sure what to do.

And I'm scared. I have been diagnosed with severe GAD/SAD and severe Insomnia. From puberty at the age of 12 it seems like I've been living in a permanent state of "fight-or-flight" adrenaline constantly pumping, constantly sweating, hair always on end. I've tried behavioral therapy, deep breathing, prayer, and to a degree they all help, but just to a small degree. Ativan or Klonopin seem to be the only thing that will make me comfortable in my skin and calm my swirling thoughts enough for me to sleep (besides Oxy/Heroin, which I cannot sustain). Should I continue with the benzos even though I know they are addicting? I don't think I'd abuse them if I had a script, they generally help and my binges come when I haven't had relief in a long time.
 
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Evey if that person really has been bothering you for such a long time, call your ISP like Black Rabbit said, or even the police. I'm pretty sure it's against the law to do that shit, and that person could be charged and get that on their record if they find out who it is.
 
Blind Melon said:
And I'm scared. I have been diagnosed with severe GAD/SAD and severe Insomnia. From puberty at the age of 12 it seems like I've been living in a permanent state of "fight-or-flight" adrenaline constantly pumping, constantly sweating, hair always on end. I've tried behavioral therapy, deep breathing, prayer, and to a degree they all help, but just to a small degree. Ativan or Klonopin seem to be the only thing that will make me comfortable in my skin and calm my swirling thoughts enough for me to sleep (besides Oxy/Heroin, which I cannot sustain). Should I continue with the benzos even though I know they are addicting? I don't think I'd abuse them if I had a script, they generally help and my binges come when I haven't had relief in a long time.
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If the benzos help you, I don't find any harm in being on them short term. Benzos do ease withdrawal (at least they did for me), so it will help you. If you do end up getting a script, try really hard to use them only as directed/as needed and for short term use. I wish I used them as directed and for short term use because now I'm addicted. But they will help you. It will help make things more bearable now. <3
 
[Rant]

Sometimes I really wish that EVERYONE had problems falling asleep. That EVERYONE thought it was normal to lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling at night time. (which I thought until I was like 13, thought everyone did that). It's fuckin lame. My entire life. What the fuck is wrong with my brain/body that it can't just lay down and fall asleep within minutes like so many other fucks who have no idea how great they have it, Who take the simple ability to fall asleep for granted. This is one of the biggest reasons i didn't give a shit when I was first getting addicted to drugs. Because the drugs I was using allowed me to fall asleep quickly for the first time in my life. Now without the drugs shit is still worse almost 9 months later. And seems to be getting worse still, not better. Another night without a blink of sleep. going to have a load of fun doing a ton of homework, looking for a place to live and looking for a job today, running on fumes.

[/Rant]
 
caseface99 said:
[Rant]

Sometimes I really wish that EVERYONE had problems falling asleep. That EVERYONE thought it was normal to lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling at night time. (which I thought until I was like 13, thought everyone did that). It's fuckin lame. My entire life. What the fuck is wrong with my brain/body that it can't just lay down and fall asleep within minutes like so many other fucks who have no idea how great they have it, Who take the simple ability to fall asleep for granted. This is one of the biggest reasons i didn't give a shit when I was first getting addicted to drugs. Because the drugs I was using allowed me to fall asleep quickly for the first time in my life. Now without the drugs shit is still worse almost 9 months later. And seems to be getting worse still, not better. Another night without a blink of sleep. going to have a load of fun doing a ton of homework, looking for a place to live and looking for a job today, running on fumes.

[/Rant]
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Aww case <3

Stress is a bitch for me and it causes me to stare at the ceiling for hours too. You have a lot of stuff going on right now and I feel that once you get everything straightened out, perhaps you'll be able to get some sleep.

Nothing is wrong with your body or brain. Some people just have insomnia :( *hugs*. I wish I could say something that would help, but I'm probably not much help right now. Just know you are not alone, I visit no sleep land several times a month too.
 
Thanks ad lib. That did help a bit I suppose.

It's 7am and I'm still awake, though most likely tired enough to pass out at this point if I so choose - dilemma being If I pass out now, I may not wake up till this afternoon, and then have no chance at getting to sleep at a reasonable time tonight, again. And I have class tomorrow morning. SO I can set an alarm for a couple hours and try to take a nap, but risk sleeping through the alarm (likely) or I can just stick it out stay awake, but most likely not get anything done today that I need to get done because of how tired I am. Going the nap route leaves me vulnerable to not getting anything done today as well because If I do sleep through the alarm it will be the middle of the afternoon before i wake up at best.


edit it - Meh. I'm gonna smoke a cig and then risk it, take a nap for a couple hours(hopefully). I'm starting to do what I always do when I'm sleep deprived - obsess over horrible shit I've been through and/or done. It's funny, after quitting drugs - sleep is the only reprieve from thinking and feeling. And not being able to sleep is psychologically the same thing as withdrawing from drugs - thinking and feeling on overload. Did I say that was funny? I meant fucked. #insomnia

edit again- lame. just got up. almost 2pm. I guess it could be worse. only slept through an hour of alarms every 5-10 mins, a few hours ago. (called it)
 
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I have been searching for these cute knee high boots for 2 months now and I finally found them at a store today and they were on SALE at that! So I bought them and was trying them on with various outfits when I got home, and they have two cute little buckles at the top and I barely tugged the buckle to pull the boots up above my knee and one of the buckles came right off of the boot into my hand!

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Yes, yes, I know I can just take them back.. but they were on sale and they only had one pair in a 7 and I bought that pair. So now I am going to have to go that store in a different city and hope that they have them there.

Me and my poor first world problems. But the boots are super cute tho!
 
That was my first thought, but it is hard to explain, but it is not something that I could do. It's weird the way the boots are set up.. I wish I could show you a picture to show what I mean, but it is not something I can do. They weren't like "sewn" on originally, it was like, a little bullet thingy and I don't even know where it attaches to. I wish I could though, because I really don't feel like driving all the way to this other city to deal with this tomorrow after working all day, but I DO need to hit that mall up for some other shit anyway, so might as well get two birdies with one stone.
 
^^ I think the real issue here is the fact that this happened in the first place. Quality control went out the fuckin' window in this country. It's entirely changed to quantity control...
 
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