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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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harmacologist said:
tried a mood light or whatever? i find it to be like a few minutes of sunshine in the morning while i sip my tea
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I've missed some messages :\
Good idea, maybe it's time to get one. Every year I say I'll buy one and I never do… Bet Walgreens here has one actually
 
i think some kind of chronic pain and fatigue is manifesting itself in my body and it's so frustrating. a while back, my friend went to canada and bought pills containing codeine OTC and brought some back here. it would be really helpful to be able to do that here but i don't see it ever happening. i've been using zanaflex and all that is good for is making me sleep hours on end and then feeling weird afterwards. ugh. i have gone thru like a whole thing of tiger balm just using it everywhere. it works for like thirty mins. bummed out.
 
We are bombarded daily with incarnations of sadness, over and over. I don't even know why I use social media sometimes. Currently what's "trending" is the death of a child. Perhaps we must be drawn to this sadness, or else it wouldn't be so. There would be no reason. Some of us are more prone to darkness than others, but why should it be that way? Yet at the same time, it's true we should be aware, or else how would we know what to change? Yet I just don't understand the popularity of horrific news.

Why is the world this way? Why do people hate? As I've dug deeper, I've learned that we are all in this struggle. It varies infinitely, but its impact is evidently what helps us evolve as individuals, and as one.

Meanwhile, minutes ago I wondered if and how I'd compose my suicide note. That in itself is scary. But having wasted so much time, what the fuck is next? The mind is such a lonely place.

Why do we do this? Are we angry? Are we predisposed to hate each other? I don't think it has to be that way, and I certainly don't think it helps anyone. When did hatred and pain become considered so productive?

Am I any better? No. I want to eradicate my mistakes. They plague my mind all day. I doubt I could swat a fly without feeling bad. Everything I do feels offensive. This post feels offensive. That I've relapsed, feels offensive.

A part of me simply wishes I could get rid of any and all self-awareness. It sounds so self-indulgent, but I wish I didn't care about anything. This entire post is self-indulgent. Maybe I should just stop.
 
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herbavore said:
Years are going by like cars on a freeway for me, Pimar.:\ I can't quite believe it either.

One thing that is really strange for me now is that having the knowledge that I am in the last quarter of my life, with three quarters already behind me, the new year looks less like an open frontier and more like a perfect moment that I'd better savor because it is going to be gone before I blink. I'm trying to accept that but sometimes it makes me sad. My sense of the future was so open when I was young. Now my sense of the future is like the last days of summer--you don't know when they will end but you feel them moving. Makes them more intensely loved and I'm grateful for that.
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You have plenty more life to live! And we're all better off that you're here. Life certainly does get more important and gracious.
 
blahman8000 said:
We are bombarded daily with incarnations of sadness, over and over. I don't even know why I use social media sometimes. Currently what's "trending" is the death of a child. Perhaps we must be drawn to this sadness, or else it wouldn't be so. There would be no reason. Some of us are more prone to darkness than others, but why should it be that way? Yet at the same time, it's true we should be aware, or else how would we know what to change? Yet I just don't understand the popularity of horrific news.

Why is the world this way? Why do people hate? As I've dug deeper, I've learned that we are all in this struggle. It varies infinitely, but its impact is evidently what helps us evolve as individuals, and as one.

Meanwhile, minutes ago I wondered if and how I'd compose my suicide note. That in itself is scary. But having wasted so much time, what the fuck is next? The mind is such a lonely place.

Why do we do this? Are we angry? Are we predisposed to hate each other? I don't think it has to be that way, and I certainly don't think it helps anyone. When did hatred and pain become considered so productive?

Am I any better? No. I want to eradicate my mistakes. They plague my mind all day. I doubt I could swat a fly without feeling bad. Everything I do feels offensive. This post feels offensive. That I've relapsed, feels offensive.

A part of me simply wishes I could get rid of any and all self-awareness. It sounds so self-indulgent, but I wish I didn't care about anything. This entire post is self-indulgent. Maybe I should just stop.
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I think in a way we are drawn to the darker side of life when it is removed from us--as observers we can allow ourselves to feel just enough that it still feels safe. But the daily onslaught of it in the news is something I edited out of my life a while back and it was a positive step for me. We are not responsible for knowing every single horrific story that is happening anywhere in the world. If it made this a more empathetic world that would be useful but it doesn't. It makes people feel helpless and full of fear. On the other hand I do have a penchant for sad songs. ;)

Keep trying, Blahmann. Your relapses do not have to be failures. You have a beautiful mind and it will guide you. Don't let hopelessness overtake you. <3
 
herbavore said:
I think in a way we are drawn to the darker side of life when it is removed from us--as observers we can allow ourselves to feel just enough that it still feels safe. But the daily onslaught of it in the news is something I edited out of my life a while back and it was a positive step for me. We are not responsible for knowing every single horrific story that is happening anywhere in the world. If it made this a more empathetic world that would be useful but it doesn't. It makes people feel helpless and full of fear. On the other hand I do have a penchant for sad songs. ;)

Keep trying, Blahmann. Your relapses do not have to be failures. You have a beautiful mind and it will guide you. Don't let hopelessness overtake you. <3
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Thanks so much. The relapses really do seem to take hope away. Bad news such as I mentioned earlier makes me feel very depressed. I felt that way in the first place, but why does this have to happen? Why does life have to be this way? To a lot of people, these might seem like silly questions. I understand that. But they have arrived once again in my mind. Basically: Why?

Nothing seems to make sense. I feel like there is this downward spiral that none of us want to talk about.

I enjoy sad music too. Music of all kinds is like a refuge. It's a gift to all of us, and I'm glad for it. I've been caught up with these theories, that one has to sign over their soul to the devil in order to even release a successful record. I've probably been on YouTube too much. I don't even know if the devil is real. And if the devil truly is real, I suppose it's smacking my soul around. I know I'm just crawling by.

I just don't think it will ever be okay again. I want to be a positive presence, but I don't have that capability. It's basically over. I figure that I should simply volunteer somewhere. Be of some help. And/or return to the shelter. There are people there who are offered a place to stay, if they assist in daily tasks.
 
Cosmic Giraffe said:
Haha could be it is cold as hell here thank the stars for this kerosene heater!
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I have a kerosene heater too, not a lot of people do. It's so warm. :)

blahman: I edited reading that social media stuff and watching the news out of my life some time ago and I'm awfully glad... it's a lot easier to be positive without constant and maddening negative bombardment. It's not like it solves any of the problems to ignore it, but I believe that the best way to affect the world positively is simply to be positive and give everything you can and try to spread that... if you're feeling negative all the time that's not very possible.
 
i am sick of my job and how badly 2014 was for me. i am hoping that this year will be better. 2015 already got off to a sour start-- arguing is not the way to start a new year. just increases my anxiety and sets a bad tone. i hope everyone else is having a good start.
 
I hear you aq. I am going through the same thing right now. I have been really anxious and on edge lately arguing with my girlfriend and getting into it with people sometimes irrationally so at work not really characteristic of who I am normally. The year has only just begun though we have the power to turn things around.

Xorkoth it was one of the best purchases I have ever made! Saves me a ton of money on the electric bill compared to last years as normally I would be using space heaters to heat the home but the kerosene heater is so much more efficient and effective. So warm and cozy.
 
Yeah my kerosene heater came with my house but for the first 2 years I couldn't get it working. I used 4 electric fan space heaters to heat my house, and it would never get above maybe 60 degrees, or even less when it was really cold, even when they were on all day and all night. And my electric bill would be upwards of $300 a month. I finally got the kerosene heater working and now it's always comfortable in my house, and I spend probably half that on kerosene, plus just a bit of electricity to power the fan/pump.
 
This nightmare just wont end. Now its locked in a double catch 22.

its amazing really. In order to motivate two things getting done two things are preventing those very things from being possible.

Way to often the human race shows how utterly dumb it actually is.

I will be 99.9% off the grid in ten years.

I
 
I have over the last year droppped all my friends each for reasons so imoral I wont even mention, This of course has left me pretty damn lonely.
2 best friends passed away and the anniversary of one was only a week ago.
I just went to the doctors to get my heart cheked and it's worse than before.
I still cannot contact my little brother (lives in his own world which he will not share) he was the best brother and friend you could have.
I cannot afford to visit him.
I am being hassled by a doc to get off my pain meds, which will just leave me in pain again.
I have lost all friends and feel very lonely. I have broken hand so I cannot hang with my extreme sport friends who also are wondering why I am taking so much time to make a comeback.
Ugh thats a bit Thanks. Knightworrier
 
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