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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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Smoky said:
Insurance companies want us to stay sick so they can profit...
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I just had to appeal again for hepatitis medication to start treatment. I don't know what I have to do to get them to pay for it, assholes.
 
T. Calderone said:
I just had to appeal again for hepatitis medication to start treatment. I don't know what I have to do to get them to pay for it, assholes.
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That's crazy. One suggestion - If you see a specialist for the hepatitis, ask them if they can prepare a report to submit to the insurance.


Today, I somehow got a $30 debt taken off of my doctor bill. I had been hospitalized for a minor stroke in September, and they not only billed the hospitalized observation as 'outpatient', they also billed it $30 more than the coverage limit for that particular charge.
Was surprised they were fair and reasonable and deleted that particular debt.
 
im tired of feeling like im swimming like phelps, but im just treading water. its hard to keep swimming when no one wants you one the beach. just sink and let the sharks eat me.
 
T. Calderone said:
I just had to appeal again for hepatitis medication to start treatment. I don't know what I have to do to get them to pay for it, assholes.
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That really sux… I'm so sorry to hear that T Calderone. I'm going in for Hep C tests this week - I have been putting it off.
 
Girl at the supermarket tried friendly small talk. Apparently she couldn't tell I was in a world-hating stress-depression. Also word to the wise- the freakishly tall guy does not want to hear ice-breakers about how freakishly tall he is/how short u feel, especially when he's feeling anti-social.

I drank 2 red bulls and now I want to take a nap. WTF?

i have to make a To-Do list.
1. Make a to-do list...
 
finally got my pain appt scheduled. It's 50 days from the last appt/30dayscript lol. I'm not even frustrated to the point that it will affect my mood.
Everything in my life is like this now. I'm kind of becoming conditioned to it. I get it. I can't have nice things lol. I can't have consistency or logic or competence. But I'm also getting stronger. I realize that no one is going to help me much and everything is unreliable. I have to do things on my own and check for multiple ways to support important things and check-up on them on my own to maintain more consistency. Find ways throughout my life to be happy without things working.
Eventually when I have power, I will be a stronger person with a stronger foundation.
 
legalizeall said:
Tell me, the stresses you are thinking about. Are you in control or can you change any of them?
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I suffer from PSTD ever since a violent kidnap that ended up in a brutal attack/rape against me, my moms was always my strength when I would break down. I have so many mini panic attacks and stress everyday and not even my clonazepam controls them anymore.

My mom passed away almost two months ago in a car crash, I never got to say goodbye. I'm hurting more than ever and nothing makes the images of how violent she went. I have night terrors every night among with the daily panic attacks with stress, I'm copping in the worse way at this point only time and drugs can change the way I feel.
 
gr33n3y3z said:
I suffer from PSTD ever since a violent kidnap that ended up in a brutal attack/rape against me, my moms was always my strength when I would break down. I have so many mini panic attacks and stress everyday and not even my clonazepam controls them anymore.

My mom passed away almost two months ago in a car crash, I never got to say goodbye. I'm hurting more than ever and nothing makes the images of how violent she went. I have night terrors every night among with the daily panic attacks with stress, I'm copping in the worse way at this point only time and drugs can change the way I feel.
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that's horrible. Are you in any ptsd/womens/or counseling groups? Any counseling at all?


I was just super-tempted to bet all the money that I have for bills (about $500). It was a smart bet in general (for a small amount, not for money needed to pay the bills), and it won so easily and I would now have $1,100 had I gone through with it.
I see how everything works. However, sometimes feels as though it is through the storefront window of life.
It's so tempting to take short cuts.
OK... gambling stuff goes off. :X
going to get groceries for grandma now.
 
Corazon said:
that's horrible. Are you in any ptsd/womens/or counseling groups? Any counseling at all?


I was just super-tempted to bet all the money that I have for bills (about $500). It was a smart bet in general (for a small amount, not for money needed to pay the bills), and it won so easily and I would now have $1,100 had I gone through with it.
I see how everything works. However, sometimes feels as though it is through the storefront window of life.
It's so tempting to take short cuts.
OK... gambling stuff goes off. :X
going to get groceries for grandma now.
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Good choice... it could have gone the other way and then you'd be fucked.

I just got an automated call on my cell phone from a solicitor... I wasn't sure if it was one and I'm in a position where I can receive random calls from potential clients so I answered it. The recording said "This is a CODE RED ALERT!! Press any key to hear the message!!". 8) What will they think of next? What a bunch of crap. I hate phone solicitations. It's such a shady business where they try to trick you into answering them and then they try to trick you into giving them what they want. Shady shady shady.

One time a couple of years back I had entered one of those "prize drawings" at a local restaurant where you put down your name address and phone number for chance to win a vacation getaway. I got a call a bit later saying I had won. It was this timid sounding nice Russian boy, and he said I had won a vacation, a $200 gift card, and 4 magazine subscriptions. I went through the rather tedious and long process of selecting my magazines, giving info, etc, and then they said they just needed my credit card to charge me for shipping. I told them I wouldn't give my credit card info over the phone and no thanks. He said he was going to get his supervisor. His supervisor was this super bitchy Russian woman who started accusing me of wasting their time and saying I owed them to complete this process. I told her I didn't owe them anything and hung up. For 3 months afterwards she'd call like 10 times a day from a bunch of different numbers and leave threatening messages, she told me my credit was going to be ruined and I better call back and even that I was a degenerate who should be ashamed of myself for leading people on. It was insane. She finally stopped calling after 3 months. It's crazy to me that companies like this exist and are allowed to operate. I looked it up and it's a scam where they get your CC number and then charge you monthly for a moderate but substantial amount. And of course you don't actually get any of the stuff they promised.
 
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I admit this never-ending battle with heroin has been one of the hardest things ever. I do also admit I almost relapsed the other week... I was having a bad day, and then hit up my friend who I always used with. I left my apartment and walked across town to meet with her. She had a guy run to get us bags as we waited in his house with a few other people I knew. I talked to the one guy about art as he drew up an image he was going to tattoo on someone... I asked him about how he got into art. He told me and said he even had a full ride to this art school in philly, but fucked it up (obviously because of heroin),and he never went.

Just hearing that made me think about what I have/was doing. What my life was like doing heroin and I looked around the room... Everyone was so sick looking and they had tracks all over their arms. The situation just looked horrible and when the one dude came back with the drugs, everyone immediately whipped out the needles to get high. The one chick in her 30s (they all were) wore a beaded bracelet her little daughter made for her and I honestly just felt this utter sadness come over me. To think about the places heroin can make you go is very scary.

I also felt sick to my stomach because these were the places I was for a few years. It was so normal to me, but as soon as I saw it, sober this time... it just felt so wrong. I mean I miss heroin. I miss it so much. I hear songs and think about how I used to nod in my room listening to it in peace. I also see people come into my job high as all hell on it and wish I could be, but I can't go down that road again. Yes, my life isn't the greatest right now, but it's still a lot better than when I was doped up all the time. I lost so much from it and ruined so many relationships that I am only now repairing.

It took me awhile to get to this point... and to think I am only 21, but I did my share of time. I regret being 18 and super self destructive.... but I also learned I can't keep dwelling in it. What's done is done and I can only move on from here.
 
made me smile xsfx..

Addiction is wacked. The "memories" we have of use arent even close to accurate. They are fantasy. They never include the bad things.. they never include all the crap.. they paint a heavenly picture in our minds of this amazing experience. Its utter bullshit. Its amazing how getting a real glimpse exposes the fantasy so completely.

Hold on to that true picture xsfx. When it comes whispering how its the most amazing experience and how it will make you feal like your in heaven. Whip that true picture out in your mind and shove it down its golden tongued manipulation spewing throat.

They always say that addicts chase their first high but never can catch it. This is not true. They chase an unattainable fantasy that never happened. Its a fairy tale presented as a legitimate memory designed to drive us to use. Its a dirty mind fuck.. lies and puppet strings.
 
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I'm very lonesome. My life is even more lacking than I am.
I know I shouldn't be talking to you, but you're the only person I really talk to these days.
It feels like it would be bad to leave, to go back to nobody at all, but I know you only bring me down... The fact I'll be sad whether I leave or stay just allows me to justify staying when I know it's stupid to.
I don't want to leave, I should though, it's so stupid to put myself through this when it means so little to you.

I'm tired. I don't want to deal with anything. Existence is too much. There's too much time, too much to get through, no respite.
I wish I could just escape. I don't have it in me to move forward.

Why do I always put off suicide
There's no place for me here
no value to this suffering

I can't do this
why do i stick around
i'd rather be dead
 
That's a beautiful post xsfx... I'm really happy you had a moment of clarity. In my experience it's really difficult to actually turn yourself around once you've committed to actually doing it, as an addict, so good work!

And so true NSA.
 
Argh.. Roommate's dad is pounding on our front door… maybe this is it. An intervention might be a good idea.
I'm too old for this stuff… I let go of him harming himself a long time ago. There is nothing I can do until he wants help. If my roommate is even home, asleep.. or dead… ? His phone has been going off since 6 am in his room…
Just not sure if I should answer the front door. His dad has been digging his son's grave (due to his own guilt), paying his rent for a year now… while he continues to harm himself on a daily basis… neglecting his responsibilities in the house inclusive of not paying bills historically.
Luckily I have to leave for my pet care job now so I don't have to get in the middle of this continuing dysfunction between him and his dad :\
It takes what it takes, and then some more… Recovering in a toxic environment isn't easy, but it's been possible so far and I have been through worse.
 
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xstayfadedx said:
I admit this never-ending battle with heroin has been one of the hardest things ever. I do also admit I almost relapsed the other week... I was having a bad day, and then hit up my friend who I always used with. I left my apartment and walked across town to meet with her. She had a guy run to get us bags as we waited in his house with a few other people I knew. I talked to the one guy about art as he drew up an image he was going to tattoo on someone... I asked him about how he got into art. He told me and said he even had a full ride to this art school in philly, but fucked it up (obviously because of heroin),and he never went.

Just hearing that made me think about what I have/was doing. What my life was like doing heroin and I looked around the room... Everyone was so sick looking and they had tracks all over their arms. The situation just looked horrible and when the one dude came back with the drugs, everyone immediately whipped out the needles to get high. The one chick in her 30s (they all were) wore a beaded bracelet her little daughter made for her and I honestly just felt this utter sadness come over me. To think about the places heroin can make you go is very scary.

I also felt sick to my stomach because these were the places I was for a few years. It was so normal to me, but as soon as I saw it, sober this time... it just felt so wrong. I mean I miss heroin. I miss it so much. I hear songs and think about how I used to nod in my room listening to it in peace. I also see people come into my job high as all hell on it and wish I could be, but I can't go down that road again. Yes, my life isn't the greatest right now, but it's still a lot better than when I was doped up all the time. I lost so much from it and ruined so many relationships that I am only now repairing.

It took me awhile to get to this point... and to think I am only 21, but I did my share of time. I regret being 18 and super self destructive.... but I also learned I can't keep dwelling in it. What's done is done and I can only move on from here.
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When you mention you miss heroin and talks about music, it seems as h was a bit of your first love. You will always remember...
 
xstayfadedx said:
I admit this never-ending battle with heroin has been one of the hardest things ever. I do also admit I almost relapsed the other week... I was having a bad day, and then hit up my friend who I always used with. I left my apartment and walked across town to meet with her. She had a guy run to get us bags as we waited in his house with a few other people I knew. I talked to the one guy about art as he drew up an image he was going to tattoo on someone... I asked him about how he got into art. He told me and said he even had a full ride to this art school in philly, but fucked it up (obviously because of heroin),and he never went.

Just hearing that made me think about what I have/was doing. What my life was like doing heroin and I looked around the room... Everyone was so sick looking and they had tracks all over their arms. The situation just looked horrible and when the one dude came back with the drugs, everyone immediately whipped out the needles to get high. The one chick in her 30s (they all were) wore a beaded bracelet her little daughter made for her and I honestly just felt this utter sadness come over me. To think about the places heroin can make you go is very scary.

I also felt sick to my stomach because these were the places I was for a few years. It was so normal to me, but as soon as I saw it, sober this time... it just felt so wrong. I mean I miss heroin. I miss it so much. I hear songs and think about how I used to nod in my room listening to it in peace. I also see people come into my job high as all hell on it and wish I could be, but I can't go down that road again. Yes, my life isn't the greatest right now, but it's still a lot better than when I was doped up all the time. I lost so much from it and ruined so many relationships that I am only now repairing.

It took me awhile to get to this point... and to think I am only 21, but I did my share of time. I regret being 18 and super self destructive.... but I also learned I can't keep dwelling in it. What's done is done and I can only move on from here.
Click to expand...

You continue to amaze me.<3
 
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