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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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I have also struggled with addiction to non-specific drug use, poly-drug addiction many people call it. I am not sober from all substances, nor do I desire to be, but I am sober from opiates for good and I use drugs in moderation now. I don't know if that's something you'll be able to do, but total sobriety was never my goal. It works for me now, I use entheogens regularly but sparingly and marijuana and alcohol at opportune times. There was a time I really abused psychedelics too, and marijuana, and even a period with alcohol, but I'm just older and wiser now, I no longer have the desire to go there with them.

I did take 3 years off of them, and I probably will again in the future. I think to grow as a person you need to just do what is right for you at the time. I had stopped getting anything from psychedelics so I stopped them, and now I do again so I use them.
 
Xorkoth said:
I have also struggled with addiction to non-specific drug use, poly-drug addiction many people call it. I am not sober from all substances, nor do I desire to be, but I am sober from opiates for good and I use drugs in moderation now. I don't know if that's something you'll be able to do, but total sobriety was never my goal. It works for me now, I use entheogens regularly but sparingly and marijuana and alcohol at opportune times. There was a time I really abused psychedelics too, and marijuana, and even a period with alcohol, but I'm just older and wiser now, I no longer have the desire to go there with them.
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Perhaps because you have a goal in mind and know what you truly want, you find success. Thank you for your reply Xorkoth :), it makes me think that because of the goals I have for myself, I will never be able to use, because it is not in line with my goals. There was still a part of me that wanted to be able to use entheogens and substances in a recreational manner, responsibly in a way that you seem capable of doing.

But I can't, even if I wanted to I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. As my last trip and roll has shown me, entheogens cannot give me the answers that I seek. I truly am at the end of the road with intoxicants.
 
that this day can't continue forever. that we only have a limited amount of time to enjoy ourselves. best day ever, but will i regret it tomorrow because of the depression that comes with having a "best day ever"?! waking up at realising its not that day anymore. its just another shitty day in the life of me.
 
Nah man, it's something you experienced and you can allow that to continue to resonate with you. :) Does she want to hang out with you again? This was just a first step anyway, now you've seen that you can get out there and enjoy your life. :) No reason you can't get out there again soon and find more things to enjoy! :)
 
You know, I'm not violent and usually quite able to control my anger , but I really want to stab my boss in the face (don't take this literal ). This pathetic waste of space continually treats me and only me different then his other employees. I work in a foundry, so harsh language, and getting in each other's faces is a somewhat daily occurrence, but this fucktard gets stressed out and takes his inner anxiety and frustration out on me. I am a supervisor of a fourteen man crew. I am well respected and am very good at what I do (not being cocky). Take today for example, he makes a decision that breaks a piece of equipment putting PEOPLES LIVES IN JEOPARDY, walks away without saying a word and then 5 minutes later calls me on the radio attempting to publicly call me out for not doing something correctly, or so he thought. I politely explained what I had done, and why I had done it in my radio response , and all he said was "oh." I mean old fuck was attempting to make himself feel better by calling me out and attempting to divert the attention away from himself....this is a daily occurrence. His boss knows the issue exists, but I honestly firmly believe in chain of command and not ratting someone out....I just won't do it. Maybe I am wrong for not telling, but I just don't understand how people who operate this way get to be so "high up" within a company. From what I can tell there is a constant supply of snitches and tattle tales in any form of business, and they are very willing to rat a motherfucker out or throw them under the bus to further their own career.....but obvious bullies like my boss still make it. Maybe I should just rat this guy out and get promoted into his job, since I'm next in line anyway. Apparently having some kind of code of ethics and respect for "elders" is only causing me to hate a job I used to LOVE and causing me to take my work home, my stress home, and take it out on my family. FUCK THIS GUY! Okay.....breathe.....I'm done. Thank you.
 
I'm starting to think that I'll never stop using unless I move away from here. Out of driving distance out of here.
 
I fucking hate my stupid loud-talking neighbors and their ugly screaming children. I can't even keep my own fucking windows open because of their constant noise and smoke. These losers literally live in their backyard, smoking skunk from 6am to 10pm every fucking day of the week. On weekends they invite their equally stupid and loud friends, who bring their own screaming children and their own weed. Guess where all that stinking smoke goes? Yeah that's right, right through my fucking windows, about 5m away from them. The last person I invited to my apartment thought I had just smoked a big fat joint. I told him «Well, meet my lovely neighbors» and pointed to the backyard. Here they were, sitting on their fat asses in a cloud of skunk, with their children sitting right next to them. It was 10am. The children beg for their attention but they don't give a shit, they're too busy smoking, so there you go with the screaming and the crying every fucking night and all day every fucking weekend. The skunk stench even comes through the air conditioning. Even with the windows closed, air conditioning on and two fucking fans running 24hrs a day, I can still hear their loud idiotic conversations.
In the morning I take a shower at 6am with my bathroom window open and I can already hear them and smell their first joint of the day. Every evening I come home from work and I know they're gonna be sitting there. Only heavy rain keeps them away from the backyard, and even then they come out right after the last drop like fucking worms in damp soil. We can't even sit outside and have a normal conversation between two people - their voices are so loud that we can't even hear each other. And they don't give a shit about that either.

Hell, I'm a daily weed smoker myself, and even I can't stand it. There are multiple ways to show consideration for your neighbors when you're a smoker. Take a fucking walk. Go to the park and blaze there. Buy a fucking vaporizer. Even a bong will help with the smell. Smoke INSIDE YOUR OWN FUCKING APARTMENT. Your neighbors don't have to put up with your shit. I fucking hate these idiots.
 
So tired of loosing to this disease. Whenever I get on my feet and begin to make any progress I give it to the "just a weekend" "one more time" "quick binge" lie and then my life is taken hostage again. Somedays I feel like I am right on the edge of finally getting recovery for the rest of my life. But other days I wonder why when I'm sober my brain trys to convince me to go back this lonely hell-hole of self destruction. I had a really good thing going and I ruined so much of it. I don't know how I will be able to go back to being sober in a bedroom that I have shot dope in. When is enough fucking enough? When will I completely admit to myself that this isn't fun anymore. Killing myself slowly isn't fun anymore, and being so hopelessly addicted to killing myself is just downright evil. I have never felt like such a victim in my entire life. I admit it was my choice to relapse and I admit that there is a solution in the program of AA/NA, I just am so angry that I have to lie to everyone and start taking dirty chips otherwise I'll loose my job and living situation.

I have never wanted to be normal so much in my entire life, I am so sick of drugs occupying my mind and sucking all the resources and things I love away from me. I want to give up. I hate the idea of suicide but I have enough xanax and h to accomplish it were I to do so. Which I doubt I will, I know sobriety is wonderful, but I think I might rather be dead then having to keep coming back to this hellish demons playground. I'm so tired of wanting sobriety on drugs, and wanting drugs on sobriety. I know I'm not alone and I know for a heroin IV addict I can never drink alcohol or use any substance successfully. I want to be happy for my new life in sobriety but I'm not. I'm scared of failing and I'm just such a weak person with very little will-power how am I ever gonna make it? I like living but this ain't living, having a mind constantly tempt me to do bad things that hurt myself and my family. If my family new I relapsed again it would crush them. I have wasted thousands of their dollars on treatment only to get 4 months and decide to use for a weekend, which turned into a month of almost everyday use.

I feel like a bad person, a sick person, a disgusting person, a weak person, a defeated person, and a doomed person. Maybe when I crossed that line into IV heroin I was signing my life away. I've been trying to get sober for the last 4-5 years and the most time I've had was 7 months. But I always go back. I am so disapointed in myself Bluelight, so so very ashamed and dissapointed. Maybe I really am the loser those people in high school said I was. God help me...
 
so tied of this now yes here he goes again i know most of you are just get the fuck on with it but its not that easy every time i try something stops me but i want out so badly now i am lonely and just sick of live full stop why did i get charlie i love that cat with all my heart but if i didn't have him i could of done this by now i know when i go to the doctors on Tuesday i can kiss my sick notes good bye because ive messed up my attempts at going clean so many times and she is just itching for a reason even thought of booking myself in to the nut house but then whose going to take care of charlie

i need help and every where i turn its a fucking brick wall of scorn and contempt towards me
 
My dad's gotta new girlfriend. I moved in with him when I was 16 and pretty much became his only friend. Until then I knew nothing about the guy except that he liked good chronic and led zeppelin which he quickly turned me on to. fast forward a few years I move back in with him and start to kick my benzo/ opiate habit. I seem to be (hope I'm getting) to the tail end of this benzo w/d and he's out the fuckin door. Haven't been able to drink/smoke with him, work or do much in a while and this chick has a kid that's a few years older than me and I'm fairly certain I'm being replaced. It's happened in my past coming from both parents. I used to get really angry about it, say I didn't want to meet their new gf/bf wtfever, now I just don't care much. worst comes to worse I'll be out in the street for potentially 6 more months until recovery finishes it's course and I'll be on my way back in the navy.

the short-sightedness of people disturbs me. both parents have always come back, due to even with a pretty crippling drug habit i've been the only child of theirs with any form of a head on his shoulders or at all worth a shit. only son of three that have any expectations, goal or drive. my brothers are good people but everyone always said i was going to do something with my life while they followed my parents like sheep. after this enlistment i'm not coming back home. i plan on starting a new chapter of the family, and one that's learned from the mistakes of previous ones.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed. Maybe if I wasn't so benzo sick I'd punch the man in his fucking schnoz. Then again, maybe addiction is allowing me to go out like the bigger man. Call it being petty, I call it moving on.
 
I appear to be involved in some greater play in the theatre of life, my dreams come true in ugly ways, in the form of deaths, and spirits are following me around doing weird shit, it feels dangerous to even discuss. I'll probably be punished by being put on starvation again. I'm really horny and I'm being made to understand how this is not a bad thing, but I can't have sex with anyone. Everyone from highschool who I thought I was better than is doing better than me. It makes we wonder about fate, about souls and reincarnation. It makes me wonder if I'm not doomed for just this one lifetime. That my spiritual finances might be on some longer term savings plan. Or that I'm just sorry and delusional and my perception of justice is wrong. Or if not wrong than existing in more dimensions than I am aware. or just wrong.
 
matrixmonkey said:
I appear to be involved in some greater play in the theatre of life, my dreams come true in ugly ways, in the form of deaths, and spirits are following me around doing weird shit, it feels dangerous to even discuss. I'll probably be punished by being put on starvation again. I'm really horny and I'm being made to understand how this is not a bad thing, but I can't have sex with anyone. Everyone from highschool who I thought I was better than is doing better than me. It makes we wonder about fate, about souls and reincarnation. It makes me wonder if I'm not doomed for just this one lifetime. That my spiritual finances might be on some longer term savings plan. Or that I'm just sorry and delusional and my perception of justice is wrong. Or if not wrong than existing in more dimensions than I am aware. or just wrong.
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IME looking for such specific answers and explanations around the nature of my reality brought nothing but insane and obsessive thinking which, lead me further away from living in the here and now, further from love and further from happiness.

Your posts reads to me as if you need to let go of some of these 'conclusions' you seem to have constructed, if you are persistently conversing with voices in you're head it may be time to consider if they are the consequence of illness, at the very least they are a distraction that you could do better without.

foolsgold said:
what a fucking failier i am couldn't even manage that last night sorry for fucking up as normal
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You've struggled through another tough episode, don't go giving yourself a hard time over winning another battle. You're clearly not cut out for this early check out thing, unpack your bags and stick around for the show, after all what have we got to lose %)
 
Allein said:
IME looking for such specific answers and explanations around the nature of my reality brought nothing but insane and obsessive thinking which, lead me further away from living in the here and now, further from love and further from happiness.

Your posts reads to me as if you need to let go of some of these 'conclusions' you seem to have constructed, if you are persistently conversing with voices in you're head it may be time to consider if they are the consequence of illness, at the very least they are a distraction that you could do better without.



You've struggled through another tough episode, don't go giving yourself a hard time over winning another battle. You're clearly not cut out for this early check out thing, unpack your bags and stick around for the show, after all what have we got to lose %)
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Xorkoth said:
Failing to kill yourself does NOT make you a failure, it makes you a strong person. I'm glad you didn't do it man. :)
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thank you both i am in a much better place today, slept for a few and woke up smiling for once

got the doctors later today so got to get my game head on no more of this bullshit about no meds till your clean how the fuck am i meant to get clean when i need benzo's to help with every day shit never mind just my poly drug usage
 
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flipping through medical journal abstracts and hating on myself for being so stupid with drugs. long-term cognitive impairment. how the fuck did i end up on daily benzos. when i got the first script, that's something i knew would never happen. whatthefuck. they are exactly the kind of drug i promised myself i'd never take. i just let myself take them. now i feel like an idiot.

gonna make up for it with a ridiculously healthy life going forward. will start sometime soon.
 
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