I feel your pain and same here. Soon as I finally quit opiates the benzo levels went too high. Now trying to taper but its everyday struggle. You really should ease up on the drinking though. Let the benzos do their thing. Some dr's scribe benzos for alcohol abuse so hopefully they can help you in same way. I have been to more than a few funerals over those type of blackouts. Please just ease it back little bit each day. Too many good young people going out too early. Its really hard to see it happen to a friend. You make your own choices but be careful bro.
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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)
- Thread starter tripnotyzm
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I feel your pain and same here. Soon as I finally quit opiates the benzo levels went too high. Now trying to taper but its everyday struggle. You really should ease up on the drinking though. Let the benzos do their thing. Some dr's scribe benzos for alcohol abuse so hopefully they can help you in same way. I have been to more than a few funerals over those type of blackouts. Please just ease it back little bit each day. Too many good young people going out too early. Its really hard to see it happen to a friend. You make your own choices but be careful bro.
tackyspiral
Bluelighter
i open my home to my boyfriends friend.... he and I never quite got along... we just didn't vibe it was like I made him uncomfortable and he made me uncomfortable anyway he stayed with us and is storing some stuff at our place and then I facebook friend request him and he BLOCKS me!!!!!!! I know its just facebook but I am really really hurt and offended!
xstayfadedx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2011
- Messages
- 20,559
A lot has changed... and I have to figure out where to go from here. I may just have to go back home... I don't know what else to do. I hate this.
Black Rabbit of Inle
Bluelight Crew
Fuck! I was supposed to stop drinking months ago, and I've been doing good with it. Until last night, I got blackout drink, have no idea what I did and just generally regret it today (coupled with a nasty hangover, I feel like shit)
motherofearth
Bluelighter
After college, I wish I had never returned. Worst decision of my life maybe. But that's just me.
legalizeopiatedfun
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2013
- Messages
- 11
My brother is making plans constantly with all my friends I introduced him to. The cunt doesn't even bother letting me know or inviting me. Now he just goes out all the time and excludes me from everything. He's stolen all of my friends and I've never been so lonely.
This is making me crave opiates.
This is making me crave opiates.
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
Things are getting bad with my stepdad. He is such a dick towards me and always has an attitude lately. He looks and acts towards me as if I'm just a burden in his life.
He's stuck with a lame stepson, while his real daughter is off doing well. She finished college on time, did well in school, and has been doing well since. I'm really proud of her, but because I didn't finish school (6 credits shy of graduating) and have had troubles with drugs/addiction he just looks at me like a lost cause. I no longer stand near him if he's introducing himself or making introductions at any events, just so I don't have to see that hesitation and disappointment in his eyes when he introduces me as his stepson.
I completely understand his frustration with me. It's not unfounded. I have not lived up to my potential and my drug problems have caused a lot of issues in my life. Hell, I'm extremely disappointed with myself and I beat myself up about it quite often. However, he doesn't seem to understand that I already feel bad regarding my current situation. He seems to think I'm going about "la-di-da" like everything is golden in my life, and I'm just purposely 'floating' by. He doesn't understand how lost, depressed, and miserable I am. Or how disappointed I am in myself.
It's so frustrating that he doesn't understand where I'm coming from at all. He has NEVER, not even once, smoked marijuana.
He has been drunk, but only when he was younger. He has maybe two dozen drinks a year, tops. If he does have a drink it's usually 1-2 drinks, maybe he'll have a 3rd, but that's rare. On one hand, I think it's cool that he never experimented with drugs and never opened himself up to that world of potential hazards. On the other hand, I think it's rather lame that he's limited himself on experiences and what can be felt and experienced through the use of different drugs. There are so many different things to experience, to feel, and to go through in life. I feel as if he's missing out on some possibly wonderful experiences that could broaden his horizons or his thinking. Maybe even expand his mind and thoughts. Due to his total lack of any substance usage he has no idea on the effects of the substances other than what he has seen on the news, TV/movies, commercials (anti-drug propaganda, there ain't no pro-drug commercials!), and what he's heard from second hand sources. So, probably mainly negative stuff and probably a hell of a lot of misinformed information. 8( I've had a lot of problems in my life from abusing drugs, but I've had a lot of great things comes from drug use. I'm much more open-minded than I used to be and I learned a great deal of empathy and the ability to really put myself in someone else's shoes; to look at things from other points of view. Due to my stepdads lack of experience and lack of knowledge on substances he is one of those people that lumps all illegal drugs together and just assumes they're all bad, they're all damaging, and they're all essentially the same. 8)
Trying to explain that marijuana has helped me with stomach/GI issues (my mother also suffers from them, and used to use marijuana for them when she was younger) is completely out of the question with my stepdad. The topic isn't even broached and is completely taboo. My parents long ago found out about my heroin problem. My stepdad thinks it's under control, which it's not. The problem is I can't even bring up any issues that I'm struggling or need help or anything. I've already reached the last straw with him. The issue is very black and white for him. He doesn't understand the struggle it takes to get clean and to stay clean. He acts as if I have some defect, like I'm broken and can't be fixed.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to type so much, just needed to get that out. He has no understanding of addiction or of how difficult it is. Whenever he compares it to anything he talks about how he likes to drink Coca Cola. If he stays away from it for a while he's fine, but if he has a few sips one day, then the next day he wants it again, so then the next day he has half a can. Soon he's having a can of coke a day, and pretty soon he's having a few glasses a day. That's the closest he can come to understanding my problem with heroin. 8) I really just wish I had more of his support. He's supported me financially with giving me a home to grow up in and he still lets me live at home now, which I am incredibly grateful for, please do not think otherwise, but there's never been any other kind of support from him. On extremely rare occasions he says something like, "Good job" or "That looks good", and I go through great effort to get even that small recognition. Even a simple "thank you" is extremely rare.
I can't remember the last time I felt like my parents were proud of me. Actually I can't even remember the last time I felt like my parents weren't ashamed of me.
He's stuck with a lame stepson, while his real daughter is off doing well. She finished college on time, did well in school, and has been doing well since. I'm really proud of her, but because I didn't finish school (6 credits shy of graduating) and have had troubles with drugs/addiction he just looks at me like a lost cause. I no longer stand near him if he's introducing himself or making introductions at any events, just so I don't have to see that hesitation and disappointment in his eyes when he introduces me as his stepson.
I completely understand his frustration with me. It's not unfounded. I have not lived up to my potential and my drug problems have caused a lot of issues in my life. Hell, I'm extremely disappointed with myself and I beat myself up about it quite often. However, he doesn't seem to understand that I already feel bad regarding my current situation. He seems to think I'm going about "la-di-da" like everything is golden in my life, and I'm just purposely 'floating' by. He doesn't understand how lost, depressed, and miserable I am. Or how disappointed I am in myself.
It's so frustrating that he doesn't understand where I'm coming from at all. He has NEVER, not even once, smoked marijuana.
He has been drunk, but only when he was younger. He has maybe two dozen drinks a year, tops. If he does have a drink it's usually 1-2 drinks, maybe he'll have a 3rd, but that's rare. On one hand, I think it's cool that he never experimented with drugs and never opened himself up to that world of potential hazards. On the other hand, I think it's rather lame that he's limited himself on experiences and what can be felt and experienced through the use of different drugs. There are so many different things to experience, to feel, and to go through in life. I feel as if he's missing out on some possibly wonderful experiences that could broaden his horizons or his thinking. Maybe even expand his mind and thoughts. Due to his total lack of any substance usage he has no idea on the effects of the substances other than what he has seen on the news, TV/movies, commercials (anti-drug propaganda, there ain't no pro-drug commercials!), and what he's heard from second hand sources. So, probably mainly negative stuff and probably a hell of a lot of misinformed information. 8( I've had a lot of problems in my life from abusing drugs, but I've had a lot of great things comes from drug use. I'm much more open-minded than I used to be and I learned a great deal of empathy and the ability to really put myself in someone else's shoes; to look at things from other points of view. Due to my stepdads lack of experience and lack of knowledge on substances he is one of those people that lumps all illegal drugs together and just assumes they're all bad, they're all damaging, and they're all essentially the same. 8)Trying to explain that marijuana has helped me with stomach/GI issues (my mother also suffers from them, and used to use marijuana for them when she was younger) is completely out of the question with my stepdad. The topic isn't even broached and is completely taboo. My parents long ago found out about my heroin problem. My stepdad thinks it's under control, which it's not. The problem is I can't even bring up any issues that I'm struggling or need help or anything. I've already reached the last straw with him. The issue is very black and white for him. He doesn't understand the struggle it takes to get clean and to stay clean. He acts as if I have some defect, like I'm broken and can't be fixed.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to type so much, just needed to get that out. He has no understanding of addiction or of how difficult it is. Whenever he compares it to anything he talks about how he likes to drink Coca Cola. If he stays away from it for a while he's fine, but if he has a few sips one day, then the next day he wants it again, so then the next day he has half a can. Soon he's having a can of coke a day, and pretty soon he's having a few glasses a day. That's the closest he can come to understanding my problem with heroin. 8) I really just wish I had more of his support. He's supported me financially with giving me a home to grow up in and he still lets me live at home now, which I am incredibly grateful for, please do not think otherwise, but there's never been any other kind of support from him. On extremely rare occasions he says something like, "Good job" or "That looks good", and I go through great effort to get even that small recognition. Even a simple "thank you" is extremely rare.
I can't remember the last time I felt like my parents were proud of me. Actually I can't even remember the last time I felt like my parents weren't ashamed of me.
Last edited:
ad lib
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2013
- Messages
- 4,317
You're probably gonna read this but I don't even give a fuck anymore.
How can you be the most amazing person ever to me and talk to me all day every day for several days in a row and all of a sudden act like I have the fucking plague??
What's wrong with me, what's wrong with you?
If I did something or if there's someone else be a fucking man and TELL ME. Don't treat me like a POS. I'm done talking to you until you realize that you're fucking this up. You're about to blow it with a girl who would've done anything for you.
What the fuck ever.
How can you be the most amazing person ever to me and talk to me all day every day for several days in a row and all of a sudden act like I have the fucking plague??
What's wrong with me, what's wrong with you?
If I did something or if there's someone else be a fucking man and TELL ME. Don't treat me like a POS. I'm done talking to you until you realize that you're fucking this up. You're about to blow it with a girl who would've done anything for you.
What the fuck ever.
vicious cycles are vicious cycles
depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, work. life fucked. can't seem to tackle em all at once and they are all really connected. trying to punch a brick wall instead of a brick. need that ninja focus.
depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, work. life fucked. can't seem to tackle em all at once and they are all really connected. trying to punch a brick wall instead of a brick. need that ninja focus.
sounds like you need to go to rehab and finish school.Things are getting bad with my stepdad. He is such a dick towards me and always has an attitude lately. He looks and acts towards me as if I'm just a burden in his life.
He's stuck with a lame stepson, while his real daughter is off doing well. She finished college on time, did well in school, and has been doing well since. I'm really proud of her, but because I didn't finish school (6 credits shy of graduating) and have had troubles with drugs/addiction he just looks at me like a lost cause. I no longer stand near him if he's introducing himself or making introductions at any events, just so I don't have to see that hesitation and disappointment in his eyes when he introduces me as his stepson.
I completely understand his frustration with me. It's not unfounded. I have not lived up to my potential and my drug problems have caused a lot of issues in my life. Hell, I'm extremely disappointed with myself and I beat myself up about it quite often. However, he doesn't seem to understand that I already feel bad regarding my current situation. He seems to think I'm going about "la-di-da" like everything is golden in my life, and I'm just purposely 'floating' by. He doesn't understand how lost, depressed, and miserable I am. Or how disappointed I am in myself.
It's so frustrating that he doesn't understand where I'm coming from at all. He has NEVER, not even once, smoked marijuana.
Trying to explain that marijuana has helped me with stomach/GI issues (my mother also suffers from them, and used to use marijuana for them when she was younger) is completely out of the question with my stepdad. The topic isn't even broached and is completely taboo. My parents long ago found out about my heroin problem. My stepdad thinks it's under control, which it's not. The problem is I can't even bring up any issues that I'm struggling or need help or anything. I've already reached the last straw with him. The issue is very black and white for him. He doesn't understand the struggle it takes to get clean and to stay clean. He acts as if I have some defect, like I'm broken and can't be fixed.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to type so much, just needed to get that out. He has no understanding of addiction or of how difficult it is. Whenever he compares it to anything he talks about how he likes to drink Coca Cola. If he stays away from it for a while he's fine, but if he has a few sips one day, then the next day he wants it again, so then the next day he has half a can. Soon he's having a can of coke a day, and pretty soon he's having a few glasses a day. That's the closest he can come to understanding my problem with heroin. 8) I really just wish I had more of his support. He's supported me financially with giving me a home to grow up in and he still lets me live at home now, which I am incredibly grateful for, please do not think otherwise, but there's never been any other kind of support from him. On extremely rare occasions he says something like, "Good job" or "That looks good", and I go through great effort to get even that small recognition. Even a simple "thank you" is extremely rare.
I can't remember the last time I felt like my parents were proud of me. Actually I can't even remember the last time I felt like my parents weren't ashamed of me.
tripnotyzm
Bluelighter
Wtf happened?
I drove my car to the motor registry office..
Get inside, start filling out some paperwork, then suddenly I wake up confused as all sorts laying on the ground of the office.
I stand up, assure everyone around me that I am fine, then within seconds I am unconscious on the floor again.
The people there called an ambulance for me, but no conclusions were actually made.
My blood pressure and sugar levels are fine..
My heart seems to be functioning well.. I'm not a sufferer of anxiety related passing out issues..
The only explanation I can think of is my body shutting down from trying to abruptly quit smoking pot...??
So fucking weird.
I drove my car to the motor registry office..
Get inside, start filling out some paperwork, then suddenly I wake up confused as all sorts laying on the ground of the office.
I stand up, assure everyone around me that I am fine, then within seconds I am unconscious on the floor again.
The people there called an ambulance for me, but no conclusions were actually made.
My blood pressure and sugar levels are fine..
My heart seems to be functioning well.. I'm not a sufferer of anxiety related passing out issues..
The only explanation I can think of is my body shutting down from trying to abruptly quit smoking pot...??
So fucking weird.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Oh that sounds like it could happen. I don't know what else to attribute it to. Much 
and I hope you're feeling better soon.
and I hope you're feeling better soon.
motherofearth
Bluelighter
^Like, maybe a flashed really severe panic attack brought on by the abrupt cessation of teh pot....? Never seen anything like that though.... I'd be concerned, personally. Since you are otherwise healthy and young, trup, hopefully it is something minor.
Haven't posted in several days, almost a week maybe, so U'm coming back to rant: Why the actual fuck is Kid Rock consulted so frequently by the 24 hour news networks? I know their primary struggle is filling space. But, I mean, CMON guise CMooooooOOOOOOOOOON Kid Rock.... really?
Haven't posted in several days, almost a week maybe, so U'm coming back to rant: Why the actual fuck is Kid Rock consulted so frequently by the 24 hour news networks? I know their primary struggle is filling space. But, I mean, CMON guise CMooooooOOOOOOOOOON Kid Rock.... really?
Shit, tripnot! That sounds horrible. had you been drinking enough fluids and eating alright?
..
I feel like a massive fucking twat after last night. Benzo withdrawals + alcohol = bad bad bad.. I was having a really good night out with friends, till something in me switched and I got mad suicidal. I vaguely remember being carried home by friends. Then erm.. Apparently I expressed all my deep and dark suicidal thoughts to friend (don't remember this..), and then took a knife to the bathroom. My friend stood outside, saying he wasn't stupid and heard me pick up cutlery, amd would break the door down. Then I don't remember much, other than him saying he would phone an ambulance. I freaked the hell out (scared of going back to hospital and possibly being sectioned), ran down the road, to a huge tower station that I was going to jump off. I couldn't get over the fence.. Realised wtf, I can't do this to my friend, must of jumped over my back fence (all still wearing just a tshirt and underwear), and came back into my garden. My friend was crying.
The police turned up, he spoke to them, I avoided the fuck out of them.
I feel like a massive, massive cunt for this, for letting my friend see me like that and having to deal with it.. Ah..
I don't know what to do with myself now. Things were getting better.. Why is it always 2 steps forward, 5 million back?! So many cuts and bruises from last night, I hate myself.
had you been drinking enough fluids and eating alright?..
I feel like a massive fucking twat after last night. Benzo withdrawals + alcohol = bad bad bad.. I was having a really good night out with friends, till something in me switched and I got mad suicidal. I vaguely remember being carried home by friends. Then erm.. Apparently I expressed all my deep and dark suicidal thoughts to friend (don't remember this..), and then took a knife to the bathroom. My friend stood outside, saying he wasn't stupid and heard me pick up cutlery, amd would break the door down. Then I don't remember much, other than him saying he would phone an ambulance. I freaked the hell out (scared of going back to hospital and possibly being sectioned), ran down the road, to a huge tower station that I was going to jump off. I couldn't get over the fence.. Realised wtf, I can't do this to my friend, must of jumped over my back fence (all still wearing just a tshirt and underwear), and came back into my garden. My friend was crying.
The police turned up, he spoke to them, I avoided the fuck out of them.
I feel like a massive, massive cunt for this, for letting my friend see me like that and having to deal with it.. Ah..
I don't know what to do with myself now. Things were getting better.. Why is it always 2 steps forward, 5 million back?! So many cuts and bruises from last night, I hate myself.
I'm so hesitant to even believe what I'm a bout to do, but whatever the addict always wins in my case.
I'm growing more and more into Adderall...I'm even doing some tonight because I have no narcotics only benzos.
fuck it I don't give a damn anymore ill be making an orpiment with someone to get me script for em'.
I'm growing more and more into Adderall...I'm even doing some tonight because I have no narcotics only benzos.
fuck it I don't give a damn anymore ill be making an orpiment with someone to get me script for em'.
tripnotyzm
Bluelighter
Shit, tripnot! That sounds horrible.
..
I feel like a massive fucking twat after last night. Benzo withdrawals + alcohol = bad bad bad.. I was having a really good night out with friends, till something in me switched and I got mad suicidal. I vaguely remember being carried home by friends. Then erm.. Apparently I expressed all my deep and dark suicidal thoughts to friend (don't remember this..), and then took a knife to the bathroom. My friend stood outside, saying he wasn't stupid and heard me pick up cutlery, amd would break the door down. Then I don't remember much, other than him saying he would phone an ambulance. I freaked the hell out (scared of going back to hospital and possibly being sectioned), ran down the road, to a huge tower station that I was going to jump off. I couldn't get over the fence.. Realised wtf, I can't do this to my friend, must of jumped over my back fence (all still wearing just a tshirt and underwear), and came back into my garden. My friend was crying.
The police turned up, he spoke to them, I avoided the fuck out of them.
I feel like a massive, massive cunt for this, for letting my friend see me like that and having to deal with it.. Ah..
I don't know what to do with myself now. Things were getting better.. Why is it always 2 steps forward, 5 million back?! So many cuts and bruises from last night, I hate myself.
:-(
Those kind of nights are horrible. I hate how alcohol can turn us in to complete demons, even if the night has started on great terms.
Just try and remember this experience the next time you are about to get drunk during a benzo come down.. Hopefully the thought of what happened to you recently will prevent you from crossing that line once again.
I crossed that like in Europe after consuming too much alcohol.
Ended up turning really suicidal on my friends and fiancé, threatened to jump in front of moving traffic and stuff.
Alcohol is a killer, I'm still rudely amazed by the damage it does to people.
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
^I'm going to move this to the vent/rant thread bamboo as it's not asking a specific question .
.
bamboo3241
Greenlighter
okies i will eventually work out where to post things properly ,,i was born blonde
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
No worries that's why we have a moderator tag under our name. We do little elven Bluelight merging/moving/moderating.
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