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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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Jeebus ugly, my daughter is only 10, I have it all to come. Hope it works out.

kace I've no idea where that ALT came from in my post, at first I thought you were making reference to my recent name change:D

It's been really useful engaging with with TDS /BL of late, a big thank you to everyone<3
 
I'm incredibly disappointed in myself and wish I cared more for my body.

I'm disappointing the only person in the world who loves me for who I am (who means more to me than friends/family aka the signifcant other/partner).

I wish I had better coping skills that didn't involve derealization, dissociation/catatonia, and agoraphobia. I wish that I wasn't suffering from selective mutism. I wish that I didn't have PTSD. I wish that I wasn't ADHD.

All of this has just brought me great suffering in life. I can't say I would be any more or less happy as anyone else, but when I described the average panic attack for me, and asked him how many he had over the course of his lifetime and he answered "just one", I laughed (reaction formation): I have had thousands to tens of thousands of panic attacks over the course of my lifetime.
 
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It is extremely frustrating when a person downplays the intensity of a panic, or anxiety attack as I call them.

They really suck.
 
stardust, at least make sure yo have something else lined up before you quit; don't make the same mistake as I did (three times, in fact)!

Wishin' you success, my friend!
 
spork said:
So sorry, Jamie. Breakups are tough no matter the circumstances :(

I think it is possible to remain friends after. It might be best to let each other have space at first, but with the right amount of time and healing an ex can be a very good friend to have. I hope you can remain friends in the long run. <3
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Although we didnt live together she had/has a ton of stuff stored at my house and came by two nights ago to get some of it to settle into her new apartment in the city. I was really nervous, so I was probably taking being in character and being so friendly when she came over over the top. She seemed shy and uncomfortable and wanting to get out of there. Granted it's only been two weeks, but it was definitely awkward.

However, to my surprise, I had/have absolutely zero interest in her sexually or romantically. This was 'obvious' to me as soon as I saw her. I can't believe how quickly someone's deep-rooted feelings about another person can change! I'm really quite stunned.
 
Just walked into a brick-wall of deep depression 20mins ago - Came out of nowhere.
I've had suicide in my thoughts every single day. Not that I'm going to do it now, or soon, but if I'm going to die then it will be my own doing.

Obviously, I'm not going to do so right now, likely not any time soon, but it'll be me who gets to decide how long I live.
Plus I've friends and family who care about me (and sometimes I wonder why they do) so that has always kept me alive since I started having such thoughts (about.... 7 or 8 years), but it comes and goes in it's intensity.
I saw my GP yesterday and let her know things were hard right now.

*Chuckles**
She asked me "Well you're not going to do anything... are you?" and I told her that, even if I took all my meds, I'd just wake up and be pissed off at myself due to me not having any meds for the rest of the week 8)

Urg... Pffffff - Sorry, I'm just having a shite-mind-moment.

<3 <3 <3 Loads of love to everyone going through really harsh times right now <3 <3 <3
 
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Your right times are harsh. If I making money it changes my whole outlook on life. When your not making it then depression and evil thoughts come out. Really don't care about money anymore but my landlord has a diff opinion lol. Also withdrawing right now and find it soo easy to get irritated and violent. Usually I happy, making people laugh. Other times I about to go on rampage. Nyc can push your buttons just being here. People out looking for trouble so I try to chill and avoid it. Very easy to blow up some drama and go to jail etc. Then what?? Wds in jail, hell no. I rather walk away but there always a chance I could flip. Going to buy a gatorade could be your ass out here. Seems weird but thats how it goes down sometimes. Nyc rant over, best wishes to everyone. Keep making moves.
 
This isn't worth reading, and I'd recommend not wasting your time reading it. I'm posting so I could vent out this frustration and see the thoughts in word form



If it wasn't for my mother and my dog I would be giving serious consideration to suicide. That makes me sad and I feel disappointed in myself. I am so alone. I feel like burden on my family. The only person who doesn't make me feel that way is my mom, and my dog, but that would be hard for him to make me feel like a burden. That'd be weird actually. Getting off track here. My dog is getting older which makes me terribly sad. He hopefully has a few years left. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's not here anymore. I get teary eyed just thinking about it, like now. He's my best friend. He's been the closest I've ever been to a living thing for the last 9.5 years now. He's the best.

I'd like to imagine that I could turn things around or think about how things could get better but these thoughts are not turned into any sort of reality. I'm in a worse position as each year goes by. Hell every month that has gone by lately has been putting me further and further into a bad position.


I'm tired. I can't take this lifestyle anymore. This life is awful. Out of 2 parents and 2 step parents I wish more than just 1 cared about me. I wish I had a real friend (that lived in this time zone). I wish I wasn't so weak. I'm so full of self-loathing. It's no surprise I'm lonely. I can't even stand myself. It's too bad my step dad got stuck with such a shitty step son. I think he resents me for being the burden I am. It must be tough for my mom to see that she raised such a loser. She was a great mom too, which makes me feel bad that I'm such a disappointment.

End rant
 
I'm quite sure my mom has the Borderline Personality Disorder, since I match the symptoms to her. Now I'm scared that I'll develop it as well, since I do notice I get easily annoyed and then back to normal/happy 5 minutes after. That could be Bipolar but to both of them I can't really say I match the symptoms but I still get a bit paranoid.
 
im at the end of my rope. prospective landord rented out the room i put a deposit on and kept mt first month rent i want tto die...painfully is ok with me
 
Call housing department/regulations for your town. Then call lawyer. I can't even tell you what I would do lol nothing nice. Landlords are sketchy, make sure your dealing with actual owner. More than likely they running an illegal appartment or house in some way. Get inspectors on they ass lol. I'm like a landlords worst nightmare, if you treat me good I good to you, if any funny business lookout. Usually the tennant wins!
 
Holy crap I almost lost it today. People really asking for it and I can give it to them. Serenity now lol. I need to stay off the streets. Lowlife scumbags not worth loosing my freedom over.
 
im worried that I will fail this weekend. im worried that if I fail the shame will be unbearable.

blood sweat and tears I can handle. failing I cant.
 
There is no shame, put the blame on a depression. Move forward every day the past is back steppin. No time for sleep when I die I will be restin.
 
monstanoodle said:
Just walked into a brick-wall of deep depression 20mins ago - Came out of nowhere.
I've had suicide in my thoughts every single day. Not that I'm going to do it now, or soon, but if I'm going to die then it will be my own doing.

Obviously, I'm not going to do so right now, likely not any time soon, but it'll be me who gets to decide how long I live.
Plus I've friends and family who care about me (and sometimes I wonder why they do) so that has always kept me alive since I started having such thoughts (about.... 7 or 8 years), but it comes and goes in it's intensity.
I saw my GP yesterday and let her know things were hard right now.

*Chuckles**
She asked me "Well you're not going to do anything... are you?" and I told her that, even if I took all my meds, I'd just wake up and be pissed off at myself due to me not having any meds for the rest of the week 8)

Urg... Pffffff - Sorry, I'm just having a shite-mind-moment.

<3 <3 <3 Loads of love to everyone going through really harsh times right now <3 <3 <3
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I'm so sorry your going through this, think , when it happens to me it's a recycling of all the bullshit and unprocessed negative feeling that has been blocked up by my inability to NOT compartmentalise my emotions. Not saying that this is the way it is for you but It helps me get through it. <3


___________________________

I shared stuff with you cause I am myself. Yet you still play your little power games. It's pathetic. YOu claim you're so liberal but yet your still playing the game in clothing that masks who you are - Superficiality, is what it is. You cant hide from yourself. Hope you realize that.

I AM fucking YOU. No better, no less.
 
^Yes, fuck you, fuck em all!

With sharp stuff, that HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:p
 
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Been feeling so ungrateful for deciding to work the program of AA and give up the pills, booze, and tar. Every years it's like fucking ground hogs day, same place, always back with my mom and stepdad in this house that I would love to see burn to the ground. Only difference is I'm 28, FINALLY fucking finished college, and have a nice convertible. You'd think I'd be stoked on life?!?!? NO. Because I'm an alcoholic/addict.

Reading the Big Book it's so obvious, and reading a diary from 2011. My life has just been 'spinning it's wheels' so to speak. I've been doing the same thing hoping for different results. This last heroin spree cost me a lot, and Day 3 and early recovery can make you flip the fuck out in depression, rage, whatever. Every year it's been worse, the most sobriety since I was 16 was 4 months last year. This lifestyle use to be fun, man I use to be so carefree and not give a shit about anything. Now the bills are piled up higher than the ceiling and I have a million places to apply to and can't bring myself to apply to a single one. Can't relax, there is always something that must be done. Sober... stone cold, mind-numbingly sober.

For my saturday night I get to go to a speaker meeting, there are some cool things about getting clean though, you sleep a lot and have awesome vivid dreams, I just woke up angry as fuck because my dream life was 10x better then my real life! Man I am feeling so ungrateful and unhappy to be an alcoholic/addict, even if there is 'a solution.' At least I have some answers though, because like many of you I bet if you removed the chemicals you wouldn't be here on TDS. Maybe you would, I doubt I would. Hard drugs especially, the fucking big H, has beaten my ass again. Rellapsed. Lost my gf....blah blah blah... Oh well at least I have shitty food and a dumb house in this boring ass valley.
 
Life is fucking pointless and it's got nothing to offer me.
What is the point? Society is waste and I really hope our time as the human species will come to an end soon.

I really wanted to get my driving license done by the 16th and yet I keep failing the fucking practice tests.
The hazard perception test is complete bullshit, for those of you who are from the UK you should know.

Really tempted to go out and rob some cunt and get alcohol.
 
can't anyone in my life see that I'm falling hard and fast?

I'm always broke but have nothing to show for it...
my pants are WAY too big...
I swear my skin is sort of grey...& I know my brain is slower than it used to be.

I've been having mild chest pains more often than I'd like to think about. I don't know if my heart is working way too hard without enough nutrients, or my lungs are getting beat up by the meth and increased cigarettes? Haha. Wow. I make myself real sick.

Anytime I have one of these "reflective" days I'll think about where I was several months ago, and wonder how I managed to go all that time without accomplishing anything, and often just making life harder for myself. One shuffle forward, up a mountain; five leaps back, digging a hole in the ground.

I got a good little raise, finally, but I'm not sure how I will deal with having extra money. Rent has begun to be affected. I'm starting to worry I'm gonna be dead in the next few years if I don't stop, and I'm really hating myself for not being able to stop. Who the fuck do I think I am??

On day number 2 of my most recent and very weak attempt at staying clean: "I'm gonna quit, don't worry; I HAVE to stop." The next day (would've been day 3, probably the most challenging for me whenever I'm coming off this shit) I picked up a whole gram. Uhh...because it's cheaper that way? And my thriftiness now extends to how I purchase drugs? These are SOLID, GREAT, TOTALLY JUSTIFIABLE explanations distractions and excuses.

I'm scared and feel stuck and don't know who to trust but I am starting to think I need help with this... I guess I'm trying to first convince myself that it's even possible to stop. At this point I'd be amazed just to use less frequently than on the daily.


I know I can do this... I think....! <3
 
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