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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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Ughhhh fuckin April Fools Day I'd like giving everyone s license to be a douche for a day. I hate it. :(
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm feeling bad about the way I lived my life throughout mid-2011 until about a month or two ago. I feel like I was too complacent with how bad things had gotten, and I essentially had given up on making any positive changes. I didn't reach out or ask for help. I literally waited around until someone offered to help me with a major life issue, and I'm eternally grateful that they helped me. I wish it wasn't so hard for me to reach out and ask for help. :(
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i am in that exact same boat.. going on 2 years now...but i have no one to turn to. ( that insnt on the internet) The only real true friend i have is 3 hours away and he himself isnt in a position to help. ive just given up. i miss my charlie.....
 
Yay, seems like I jinxed myself with the whole getting ill thing, having an at least 38.3 celsius fever (100.94 fahrenheit), can't even remember when I've had it this bad hrrrr. Some viral infection I think, feels like I've been hit by a truck, extremely cold, never been shaking this bad and sweating like a pig during the night. Worst of all, had to cancel my psychologists appointment, was really looking towards it after these Easter holidays. Oh well.
 
Ugh I hate when people are confusing....aaaand I hate insomnia.
 
Get better, FnX! Sending you all my healthy vibes :)

Eh that sucks, Rx..
I'm basically forced to work 12 hour night shift, so I can kind of relate with the anti sleeping patterns :(
 
Phwoar man I hope your hand is ok and I certainly hope you did not cause too much serious damage to your housemates face.
 
Life really is a fucking bitch sometimes. What's the point of giving you something incredible just to snatch it away. And now I fucking want heroin so fucking bad.
 
I slipped... :|
Had I not had a shitload of Xanax in me, I never would have even considered it...

Ended up procuring three 30mg roxies...
One up the nose. Wait ... wait ... eh, fuck it! Two straight into the mainline...
I've toyed with needles before, sure, but never actually shot anything apart from .. sterile saline... :p

I used to be terrified of needles... When I saw that red plume, though-- just that alone ... well, let's just say I 'get it' now...
Whole different ballgame... (If I ever do 'slip' again, I doubt it'll be with a straw... -_- )

Apparently I had nodded off right there in my chair and slept there the rest of the night, whole rig setup, syringe/swab wrappers and everything just sitting on my desk where anyone could have walked in and seen... They all seem to deny it though.

Had been clean just over two months, aside from the occasional Xanax binge.

I know this kinda shit happens occasionally, but damn I'm pissed at myself... I've gotta stop this shit.
Yes, I realize that combination could have easily killed me... Scratch one more brush with death on the wall...
 
^ be careful wood.. yeah, please don't go that big off the bat.. your tolerance goes down to nothing after this long. I have had allot of good friends go the first shot of a relapse:(

REAlly that could have been IT!!!!!!!!!!!
 
@neversickanymore
... To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure whether or not I really care anymore. Hell, with just over 30mg of Xanax in me, that might have been the idea that night for all I know... I don't even remember getting the things, most of the details that I'm aware of came from my mother...

Edit: Oh yeah, I was supposed to be getting some Dilaudid 8's instead... Far as staying alive goes, the roxies were probably a better alternative...

All I remember of that night is prepping a shot-- took a bit for the first one to kick in-- coughing up a little bile at one point, then sticking another in me and promptly falling asleep.

All I know now is that the pain and PAWS are back...
PAWS my ass, I've thrown myself back into full-blown withdrawal... Fuckin' hell...
 
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rehabilitation and brainwashing

i'm the kind of person who gets these mental bursts of insight and motivation (especially while on caffeine) and it just dawned upon me... i had to find a place to type this out and this is one of my favorite and more reliable sites... now to what i have to say...

i was a semi-addict. amphetamines and pot (yes i was addicted to pot). i'm epileptic (temporal lobe, no seizures just paranoia/mood swings). currently i'm on a benzo (victan) and mood stabilizer (depakote) regimen, i'm also a legitimate caffeine addict haha. while i have never been to rehab, i've had several friends who have, and have you all noticed that when someone comes back, they're never the same?

today it dawned upon me, like i was struck by lightening (i guess it's my caffeine and work out induced mania), rehab centers are truly brain-washing stations.

from what i've experienced, when you're an addict, you really don't have much of a sense of self. you're weak minded and all you want is that next fix.... think of it this way, in rehab they strip you of that goal, of that lifestyle... and what's left? you're a blank slate. you're easy to reform. you're basically reborn, your eyes are new to everything...

it's a common practice with drug cartels (i live next to mexico and am hispanic) to have a young junkie recruit go to rehab. they get them off dope then they literally plant all sorts of ideas into the weak minded youth. stripped of all sense of self, they believe that their leaders are like gods and they should be protected at all costs.

i know some people really need it, but upon realizing this, i'd never go to a rehab. i had NO trouble getting off amphetamines myself (but that's just my experience), and i don't want anyone messing around with who i am, reminds me of that one case in MKULTRA in which they erased a girl's memories and sense of self using LSD and audio tapes.

well there's my rant for today, sorry if i'm beginning to sound like alex jones.

*sips mug of coffee*
 
Please, Please, be really careful with mixing the zanies with the opiates.. also please never mix the xanax with methadone... If you would have taken even a ten of methadone on that dose of xanax after being clean for that long IMO you would be dead. Back in the tunnel woodsong.. Im sorry, at least it should be a short jaunt out if you stop now.. really the bad withdraw should end in a couple of days.. almost everybody slips.. remember where it dragged you back to... any time you want to stop pole vaulting into hell you can, I know your strong wood<3


Edit: yeah a rant.. wow drama at work.. If something is going well why the hell do certain people have to create trouble, these people aren't even addicts and they say we like chaos WTF.. no reall what the fuck8(
 
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@neversickanymore
I seem to be okay now... Guess I'd forgotten what an oxy 'hangover' felt like.

. . . How am I still alive? :|
 
stressful ass day today. shit, I shaved, showered, brushed my teeth, went running (twice) did a ton of laundry, went to the car wash, talked to a bunch of friends and family I never talk to. and ended up having some panic attack. an attack of some sort, I found out one of my best friends was in the ER, they're ok, but I cried and started tripping the fuck out wondering if he would be ok. I randomly met some cute girl, and being me, I acted like a total tool and ignored how she mentioned liking hard liquor, how she had a huge tolerance for marijuana, and the way she kept pulling at her top. what the fuck is wrong with me.

I feel like I saw all of that, and ignored it. like she would have been down to fuck that very night or something. Too much like my dad. who do I think I am, sir fucking lancelot? to make it worse, I asked for HER #, she put a # in my phone, I texted some shit like "it was good talking to you" (should I have said "you're hot lets fuck" ??) and the reply I got was "wrong number".

It is making me way too confused, I don't even know who I am or where I fit in. I think about it over and over. Because it tears me up inside that I don't have a companion. It keeps me up at night. At least once a week I say "I want my cat, I want my mom" out loud. I want a girlfriend too, a woman to snuggle with, go places with, hold hands with. I'm not ready for sex. That's the truth. I'm NOT down to fuck. I don't have that confidence or self esteem. And frankly, tonight all I wanted was somebody to talk to, to make a new friend. I guess that's pretty creepy of me and she really just wanted to fuck, no strings attached.

Truth is, getting pussy is FUCKING SIMPLE. Even I know that. Shit, I have never lived in a city with more strip clubs in my life. If that's all there is though, in other words, only casual sex and never any friendship, companionship, loyalty, or anything meaningful, then I guess I'll just plunge right in, plow as much of it as I can find. Zip up my pants and walk out of the room without a single goodbye. Not so bad. Def would be better than me blocking myself out of anything and everything.

It's just making me loathe myself. Making me hate who I am, and everything about me. Makes me feel like I have some hyper-inflated ego, like I'm better than some dude who is interested only in sex. Time to get over myself. I'm not interesting or funny. I'm a cock with arms and legs. Time for me to come to grips with it, that ALL I want is sex, that my talk about the weather, my parroting of altruistic bullshit, is just a means to an end. I literally feel like a crazy person. Like the guy everybody wishes would just shut the fuck up and have another beer.

After tonight, I feel like that is the only kind of person in my age group that exists anymore. Like the only shit that matters is getting blackout drunk, smoking as much weed as possible, taking any and every drug as long as it gets you "high", and fucking. If that's the majority of teens and people in their 20's, I guess that makes me a pious self righteous asshole.

I feel so god damn conflicted inside about sex. Every time I experience ANYTHING hedonistic, (rolling, sex, mushrooms) I get such a deep seated feeling of guilt that it cripples me mentally and physically. Well, maybe not rolling, but it HAS HAPPENED before. I feel less and less human every day. And I am tired of doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. And sick of this prozac. And sick of talking. Sick of giving a fuck. Sick of trying to "stay sober". For what? I'm guessing the only way to shake this feeling of guilt is to just jump right into sex, ecstasy, acid, and to just fucking let fly. Time for me to stop saying the word fuck and just go do it. Until I'm sick of it. Time to absolutely shatter my guilt complex.
 
I'm nonfunctional due to anxiety and melancholy as it is, so living in a house where I have to worry about having insults hurled at me whenever I leave my room (or on special occasions yelled up outside my window at me) is not helping. I mean, I end up skipping meals sometimes and just sleep or wander about town all day sometimes just to avoid shit.
 
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