^^ where the hell else are you supposed to shop for meds... love the drug seeker one, yep, i'm here seeking drugs, yep, i'm here because this is where you get them, Hmm, really where did you expect me to go? 
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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)
- Thread starter tripnotyzm
- Start date
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tackyspiral
Bluelighter
i think i am wifi spoiled..... i just moved into a new place and i hate not having internet!!!!! and these companies make it soooooo confusing - NO I DONT want to bundle!!!! i ONLY want internet..... do i want to sign a ten year contract? not particularly (i realize ten years is an exaggeration but you catch my drift)
michael
Bluelight Crew
iphoto and facebook are both being stupid about letting me upload pictures.
tripnotyzm
Bluelighter
Fuck you dreadlocks
Ah.. lack of money.. I don't know what the fuck to do. Nobody has got back to me about jobs.. Internet is about to be cut off, phone already has been, tv has, 3 months overdue rent. Stressed to fuck. I can't focus on work. Lucky I have a little food left but no tobacco. So sick of life.
Woodsong
Bluelighter
It's a new moon, which means my grandmother has run out of her Ativan and Lortabs again and roams around looking for the smallest things to start huge-ass call-the-police arguments with my mom over that I stupidly try to mediate to ultimately no avail before the police actually do get called, to whom I would have to "explain" one or the other's actions to keep them out of jail.
Lost my livelihood (and resultingly my apartment, truck and money) for taking Xanax at work a few times to keep my mind off of my dad's death and the resulting massive decline of the family business, maybe keep me from relapsing on opiates, something my own stepmother of nearly twenty years didn't seem to understand even though she couldn't even bring her own ass to work without a plethora of drugs and narcotics in her system (but she was prescribed them, so it's okay), seems slightly hypocritical in my opinion-- so she fired me. Granted, I wasn't exactly obtaining them legally nor taking them at anything resembling a reasonable dosage, so speaking strictly from an employer standpoint, I can understand why she'd fire me, but at the time I honestly had no clue what I was even doing because I had no memory of doing it! Probably a bad excuse, but no, that's not why I'm still mad... I'm still mad because the woman never got an autopsy done on my dad, then had him cremated... He had what appeared to be some kind of bad infection a couple days prior, then died very suddenly in his sleep... You'd think just as his wife she'd have wanted some kind of answer, because I'm his son and have a pretty medically curious mind and I sure as hell wanted one... Didn't really help that a week afterwards, my goddamn boyfriend whom I was madly in love with at that point dumps me for reasons I still don't fully understand and moves back home to the opposite corner of the country... I don't even wanna fucking talk about that though.
I fucking hate drugs... I hate seeing what they do to people, I hate what they've done to my entire family, to me, to several friends, I just fucking hate the shit. I've quit pretty much all my old habits and vices, yet for some reason I can't seem to get myself back up out of this hell-hole. Oh well, they were the only family that'd take me... Other than the fact that they're both also dying as well from either old age or hep C and probably emphysema and years and years of heavy drug abuse, which would essentially leave me homeless, I guess I can't really complain about a roof over my head... My whole family's probably gonna be dead by the time I'm 40. Why am I the only relatively (physically) healthy one? *Knocks on wood* ... No, actually that would be my God-fearing straight arrow of a little brother. He was the only one that called me on my birthday while I was in the worst stage of detoxing from buprenorphine. Helped cheer me on... Maybe he can break the proclaimed family curse, he's the only one left who still can.
... Wow, I kinda jumped around topic there. Lol, I'm not sure this even helped, cause I'd reeeeeeally like some fucking Xanax now. Anyway, I think I'm the only one who can still help me at this point.
Lost my livelihood (and resultingly my apartment, truck and money) for taking Xanax at work a few times to keep my mind off of my dad's death and the resulting massive decline of the family business, maybe keep me from relapsing on opiates, something my own stepmother of nearly twenty years didn't seem to understand even though she couldn't even bring her own ass to work without a plethora of drugs and narcotics in her system (but she was prescribed them, so it's okay), seems slightly hypocritical in my opinion-- so she fired me. Granted, I wasn't exactly obtaining them legally nor taking them at anything resembling a reasonable dosage, so speaking strictly from an employer standpoint, I can understand why she'd fire me, but at the time I honestly had no clue what I was even doing because I had no memory of doing it! Probably a bad excuse, but no, that's not why I'm still mad... I'm still mad because the woman never got an autopsy done on my dad, then had him cremated... He had what appeared to be some kind of bad infection a couple days prior, then died very suddenly in his sleep... You'd think just as his wife she'd have wanted some kind of answer, because I'm his son and have a pretty medically curious mind and I sure as hell wanted one... Didn't really help that a week afterwards, my goddamn boyfriend whom I was madly in love with at that point dumps me for reasons I still don't fully understand and moves back home to the opposite corner of the country... I don't even wanna fucking talk about that though.
I fucking hate drugs... I hate seeing what they do to people, I hate what they've done to my entire family, to me, to several friends, I just fucking hate the shit. I've quit pretty much all my old habits and vices, yet for some reason I can't seem to get myself back up out of this hell-hole. Oh well, they were the only family that'd take me... Other than the fact that they're both also dying as well from either old age or hep C and probably emphysema and years and years of heavy drug abuse, which would essentially leave me homeless, I guess I can't really complain about a roof over my head... My whole family's probably gonna be dead by the time I'm 40. Why am I the only relatively (physically) healthy one? *Knocks on wood* ... No, actually that would be my God-fearing straight arrow of a little brother. He was the only one that called me on my birthday while I was in the worst stage of detoxing from buprenorphine. Helped cheer me on... Maybe he can break the proclaimed family curse, he's the only one left who still can.
... Wow, I kinda jumped around topic there. Lol, I'm not sure this even helped, cause I'd reeeeeeally like some fucking Xanax now. Anyway, I think I'm the only one who can still help me at this point.
Black Rabbit of Inle
Bluelight Crew
What happened?
Fucking car accident years ago fucked up my neck and shoulder. Insurance wouldn't cover us because my ex tested positive for THC even though we'd been sober for days. I need surgery but I can't afford it and my doctor won't even give me a script for codeine, let alone anything that would actually help with the pain.
xstayfadedx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2011
- Messages
- 20,559
I'm growing tired of it all... you know this, but still nothing... Nothing is changing, everything remains the same. You're no different but why should I expect anything else.
Thats good you want to get clean for yourself 
^
I've ran out of food and I fucked up and missed my classes again too, woohay.. My uni want to kick me out and I dont have the energy to do shit other than come here and bitch. I wish I could stop shaking.
^I've ran out of food and I fucked up and missed my classes again too, woohay.. My uni want to kick me out and I dont have the energy to do shit other than come here and bitch. I wish I could stop shaking.
xstayfadedx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2011
- Messages
- 20,559
I'm tired of dealing with all these obligations... I'm going to have gray hair before I even turn 21... well let's hope not. Ugh if only I didn't start school... I would have packed my backpack and left. To where I don't know, but that would be okay. Maybe I should bust my ass this summer and pay off my debt from the first year of school... then disappear. If only...
michael
Bluelight Crew
to make a long story short the diagnosis after my sleep study was mild obstructive sleep apnea. the sleep doctor is trying to push a cpap machine on me but the night i spent with a mask on my face was just about the worst medical related experience of my life…including waking up during surgery in february and a cystoscopy when i was 18. i go back to him on thursday and i am going to refuse the machine.
Jean-Paul
Bluelighter
^^ where the hell else are you supposed to shop for meds... love the drug seeker one, yep, i'm here seeking drugs, yep, i'm here because this is where you get them, Hmm, really where did you expect me to go?
exactly. if they are smart they know you can get them from "other sources" so at some point it feels like, look, listen to me, i don't want to be pushed into doing shady and more dangerous shit when you could help me right now. and they probably fully expect me to be already doing shady and dangerous shit. the pathetic part is i feel *lucky* to have found a pysch that will give me what he will so much that i'm too scared to look for anything better. if they want to put me in an addict/stupid box let me put them in the "i got to go to med school because my parents were good parents and i think i know everything about life but i actually only know what i've experienced so maybe i should do a fucking better job and find out more about what life is like for the people i treat"
Jean-Paul
Bluelighter
aaaaaaaaaaaaaand as long as i'm in the "rant thread".
here's to the "friend" who mooches off all my drug connects and i never faulted her for it because i am UNDERSTANDING. and she does favors for me and vice versa so its never felt like any one of us was 'using' the other one. then i find out she totally snatched a bottle of meds from someone i needed after i told her my psych wouldn't up my meds....when she LIVES OFF DISABILITY. and the reason for MY drug use is to be able to work and survive and be independent and she just snatches these pills without thinking "gee, my friend obviously needs these more than i do". then I WAS THE BITCH for being upset about it for like 10 min before i just forgave everything. so now there is this weirdness between us that is totally stupid because either she couldn't just be like "yeah that was fucked up of me" or i couldn't be like "hey since you know what you know do you think i can get half of them off of you" or whatever. so i'm not saying i'm totally not at fault for my own lack of communication and freaking out (i was out of anxiety meds when i found out, oh the perfection of timing) but the underlying truth of it all is i need those more than her and she lives off disability so she doesn't "need" to buy drugs, and i bet it was the same for her as buying weed. whereas i have no need for weed and i need anti anxiety and pain meds just to get by and i don't have a cushion from the government. and she likes to act like she knows what it's like to be homeless simply because she lived in her car because she hated her home life, so she assumes she knows "what it's like" so many other people i have met that really *don't* know and i'm sick of peoples power trips when i ask them for help and i'm sick of not being able to get mad or talk something out because it could risk the help i get from them. tonight i need a ride from work and i'm spending money i shouldn't for a cab just because i don't want to ask her for a ride after i got upset about the benzos because she was so pissed that i got upset about it in the first place that she threatened to be "done" with our friendship. so i told her i wasnt mad at her and explained it away but now things are all weird. it just fucks me up, that damaged people can't sincerely bond with one another because of passive aggression or drugs mattering more or what the fuck ever. in my heart of hearts i just want people to stop hurting each other and i know i can't make that happen but i at least want it to happen in my circle of friends. and she is turning out to be this type of person who will 'help' you just to go on an abusive power trip later and i really don't want that to be true.
oh and one of my best and only friends is leaving this shithole for california soon, and it's really fucking me up. he's a filmmaker and photographer and i know he'll do better out there, but i want him to stay. he's being evicted from his home because of money he had to spend on his dying mother because his family wouldn't help. and more than anything i just want him to stay. it's funny, when i was 19 i looked up "film" people in this city on myspace and he came up. and less than a week later i met his friend, who is the love of my life. but that is more for another time.
selling my soul to type rambles on the internet
here's to the "friend" who mooches off all my drug connects and i never faulted her for it because i am UNDERSTANDING. and she does favors for me and vice versa so its never felt like any one of us was 'using' the other one. then i find out she totally snatched a bottle of meds from someone i needed after i told her my psych wouldn't up my meds....when she LIVES OFF DISABILITY. and the reason for MY drug use is to be able to work and survive and be independent and she just snatches these pills without thinking "gee, my friend obviously needs these more than i do". then I WAS THE BITCH for being upset about it for like 10 min before i just forgave everything. so now there is this weirdness between us that is totally stupid because either she couldn't just be like "yeah that was fucked up of me" or i couldn't be like "hey since you know what you know do you think i can get half of them off of you" or whatever. so i'm not saying i'm totally not at fault for my own lack of communication and freaking out (i was out of anxiety meds when i found out, oh the perfection of timing) but the underlying truth of it all is i need those more than her and she lives off disability so she doesn't "need" to buy drugs, and i bet it was the same for her as buying weed. whereas i have no need for weed and i need anti anxiety and pain meds just to get by and i don't have a cushion from the government. and she likes to act like she knows what it's like to be homeless simply because she lived in her car because she hated her home life, so she assumes she knows "what it's like" so many other people i have met that really *don't* know and i'm sick of peoples power trips when i ask them for help and i'm sick of not being able to get mad or talk something out because it could risk the help i get from them. tonight i need a ride from work and i'm spending money i shouldn't for a cab just because i don't want to ask her for a ride after i got upset about the benzos because she was so pissed that i got upset about it in the first place that she threatened to be "done" with our friendship. so i told her i wasnt mad at her and explained it away but now things are all weird. it just fucks me up, that damaged people can't sincerely bond with one another because of passive aggression or drugs mattering more or what the fuck ever. in my heart of hearts i just want people to stop hurting each other and i know i can't make that happen but i at least want it to happen in my circle of friends. and she is turning out to be this type of person who will 'help' you just to go on an abusive power trip later and i really don't want that to be true.
oh and one of my best and only friends is leaving this shithole for california soon, and it's really fucking me up. he's a filmmaker and photographer and i know he'll do better out there, but i want him to stay. he's being evicted from his home because of money he had to spend on his dying mother because his family wouldn't help. and more than anything i just want him to stay. it's funny, when i was 19 i looked up "film" people in this city on myspace and he came up. and less than a week later i met his friend, who is the love of my life. but that is more for another time.
selling my soul to type rambles on the internet
Sepher
Bluelight Crew
So fucking frustrating. I've had rampant insomnia for over six months. I go back to the doc about once a month pleading with them will you please give me something to help with this, I cannot sustain work on two hours sleep a night five nights a week. They're all 'No, sleeping tablets make you depressed'. No shit! What do you think six months with no fucking sleep does to you doctor, do I look like I'm bouncing about the place full of shits and giggles to you? I've told them I can buy etizolam for bloody pennies online but I do not want to self-medicate with addictive drugs, that's why I'm coming to them for something to help under proper medical supervision. Hardly drug seeking behaviour I'd have thought? I've had a five day script for Zolpidem once in the whole six months. 8)
I'm off sick at the minute cos I finally crashed out exhausted after months of not being able to string even a coupla weeks full-time work together without sick days all over the place, a situation that only added to my stress levels, I'm lucky I even have a job left to go back to. Thanks for that, prick!
michael
Bluelight Crew
surprisingly, he didn't really try to push the machine on me, which was nice.
he did however spring on my that both sleep studies showed periodic limb movement disorder, and he wrote me a script for it.
one of the listed side effects:
Falling asleep during normal activities. You may fall asleep while doing normal activities such as driving a car, doing physical tasks, or using hazardous machinery while taking Neupro. You may suddenly fall asleep without being drowsy or without warning. This may result in having accidents. Your chances of falling asleep while doing normal activities while using Neupro are greater if you take other medicines that cause drowsiness. Tell your doctor right away if this happens. Before starting Neupro, be sure to tell your doctor if you take any medicines that make you drowsy.
if you remember, the reason i am seeing this dude in the first place is because i sleep for shit and have what they call excessive daytime sleepiness. there's other less pleasant side effects. one of them is nausea, which i seem to have in spades. there's also
General side effects for rotigotine may include constipation, dyskinesia, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, fatigue, insomnia, somnolence, confusion, and hallucinations.[7][8] More serious complications can include psychosis and impulse control disorders like hypersexuality, punding, and pathological gambling.[9] Mild adverse skin reactions at the patch application site may also occur.[1][8]
i don't think this is going to work out for me. if the nausea doesn't resolve itself i am going to have to discontinue it regardless of any other side effects that manifest, whether or not it helps my sleep (kicking my legs causes sleep arousals, leading to fragmented sleep, which is no bueno).
of all the things on earth i could have been bad at, why the heck did it have to be sleeping?
also, he said he mentioned the PLMD during my last followup. he didn't. this wouldn't bother me except he insisted he did. he absolutely did not, except his name has MD after it and so he is right and i am wrong.
Cohesion
Bluelighter
I am so tired of there being 1000 "treatments" for acne but nothing fucking works. Please, I don't want to hear it.
I've got really bad anxiety atm, need to go out, but I just can't face it. I just want to avoid everything and sleep. That's all I've done for weeks now. I just sleep through the anxiety and depression, just lay in my bed like it's a ward.
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