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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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^yikes as a Cosmo student lol

Fuck the 30 minute drive to my unsatisfying acupuncture appt that resulted in a cracked windshield coming back home. God damn universe...cut a girl some slack.
 
I'm so angry right now and upset after what I just saw.. so much for having faith because this is obviously just a joke. What was so hard? I mean really. I don't even fucking know right now. I fucking hate people and this bullshit of a state. So much for sleeping for even a few measly hours
 
^^^ Aye me too fuck em!

Anyways I'm so fucking tired and stressed the fuck out I'm going to pop about 5-7 mgs of my Xanax and down em with some beer.
 
hydroazuanacaine said:
you have an attorney, dankhead88? you need someone other than just an attorney to talk to anyway. see if you can't qualify for some sort of nonprofit or state funded counseling system. if not, you gotta put some weight on a family member or friend. a felony charge is not something to deal with alone. my sibling is going through the same, only he does have a support system. must be so much harder without. nothing more to really say then i hope the government leaves you alone as soon as possible.
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I went to court and had a plea bargain to take this intervention program for 500 dollars for 12 weeks and they'll drop the charge. I was quite lucky, for the fact that I had past offenses(shoplifting, minor in possession of alcohol when I was young and stupid, and marijuana possession)

However, I feel that I do need to get my shit together. After court I was doing speedballs and meth and heroin combos all afternoon. Something that got me into trouble in the first place. Even though I don't have a physical dependency like I used to, my mind bugs me often. Often wanting to IV meth or heroin and it really frustrates me that I still spend money on it. A few days before that I promised to stay sober and get shit right, but I feel weak when I do those drugs and succumb that low. I swear, my mind is playing tricks on me at times and as hypocritical as this sound, I feel that it's wrong for me to post this message since I'm coming off of meth.
 
I really need to start trying to get clean. My life is empty when I'm using like I have been. I am not social and I end up isolating myself. I don't reach out to people, give anyone a call, or go out to do things. For whatever reason heroin takes away my sense of humor. I take jokes personally and I don't make any jokes. I also notice I don't laugh as much, I maintain more of a serious demeanor. I'm so tired of being lonely. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not myself.

I'd go to the beach today since I don't have work and it's wicked hot, but I don't have anyone to go with. I'll probably end up sitting around my house, maybe doing some yard work, and periodically taking various drugs throughout the day. I do feel bad about complaining and I feel as if I'm whining. I know things could be much worse, but things could be so much better too.
 
well, i had this great trip and even though people kind of ruined it and this city in general....we felt like the guys from the film where the put on the sunglasses and they can see and the skeleton people are like "WE HAVE ONE THAT CAN SEE" and we saw this giant building in yuppie town shopping that said LOCK-TON and we were both like LOCKED IN!!! and laughing and someone was like "yep, that what it looks like" about us. some bro. and his girl was like, "what, living?". so that was nice. what was not nice was going back to scenester land before home and these people i don't even know were calling me crazy and gross even though i was clean and looked pretty good, the only weird thing was i was maybe staring up at a painting too much but it's not just me. it's my bf too. too many people know him, i hate dating a musician even though it's my destiny, i mean i REALLY hate it but i love it too so there's nothing to be done really. there's just shit talking now where there wasn't and i was a recluse but it's okay because they are sad, small city clone drone brains. it's just not cool when your soul is still a bit on the outside of things and you get real freaked out and it's a bad come down.

i also wish i could stop drinking so much but i've come to the conclusion i will always be at least a moderate drinker in this town and what i need to move beyond this step is trips, because for just a brief half a day i saw beyond myself and i wanted to hear candy says by the velvet underground so much at one point because all the beauty came back and it was like i was free of "relating" to it and had flown away from myself, myself.

i just want an okay ending.
perfect moments, you have to work hard for them. i am working hard. work is back. i'm back at work. but i'm moving.

getting my crazy records. getting on free n easy. away away in uncertainty.

also i took 3 g of mushrooms and no one could tell? i mean i live with two people? they thought me listening to nico and crying and showering then not brushing my hair and lying on the floor was like, normal me? normal night? christ fuck. well. the next trip was better.

i just wish it would never end.

we put on our sunglasses, and we can see, and it's enough....
 
I still hold massive resentment against my "friends" who let me fry myself on E as a first timer. When push comes to shove, I ended up doing it to myself, but as experienced as they were, they could have prevented me from ruining what was supposed to be a great spring break vacation. It's been taking me forever to recover from this event which happened nearly 4 months ago, and it all could have been prevented if my stupid "friends" would have warned me about what I was doing. Being with responsible people or at least a warning from the irresponsible people would have prevented me from going overboard and possibly causing neurotoxicity to a poor soul who's trying to complete his undergraduate career in a very rough discipline. It happened so long ago, and I'm so much better now than I was before, but I hold a lot of angst towards someone who was supposed to be a really good friend of mine.

If one of them would have at least SAID something, I wouldn't have made an account on this site. I wouldn't have lost 15 pounds. I wouldn't have gone through months of anxiety, depression, derealization, head pressure, sleeping disorders, cognitive issues, etc. The list goes on.

I thought I was over it, but I'm not & they put me at high risk, and that wasn't cool at all. Still, fuck them for that.
 
spring break? ew. anyway i never got the whole mdma thing, it's like a more loving speed to me. i chewed up my mouth and felt like confessing....something. anything. speed, chew, emotion, confession, chew. it never got into the wires of my brain. soz bout that.

i've actually been more at peace since my last trip, esp. with this horrid mural at my work. before it was just this tacky horror i avoided, just a bore. now i realize there is totally a zombie elvis and jeff dahmer with a shovel just like resting his leg on a big lion. like him and then lion have the same interests you know.

not bad. "hi jeff" i think. i'm lying. sometimes i say it out loud too.
 
I am sick of my selfish brother. I love him but he is costing my mother and I money that we can't afford and won't even cover the cost of his staying with us when he makes significantly more than my mother, myself, and a 16 y/o relative in the household makes/gets in disability(my mom) and government benefits combined.

He came back March 28th when he got paroled. The electricity bill went from $175 to $315 and the water from $50 to $70 from March to April and have been slightly higher since. He also eats the food my mother and I buy. He ate almost all of my vegetarian meat replacements that would have lasted me at least a month within a week or less and I barely used any of them myself. I don't have to worry about him eating my other food at least (he only eats meat, dairy, pasta, and deserts). He did not like it when I used some of his coffee that I did not know was his. He knows I am a vegetarian (he said that is why I haven't lost weight. I actually have lost a few pounds since I returned to a vegetarian diet early this year). He does eat much or most of his food at work and probably going out with his girlfriend.

I guess the elctricity and water bills increased so much because he washes like one piece of clothing at a time because his clothes are too good to wash any other way and he has to dry them using the fluff setting which takes forever to dry anything because using heat might get a wrinkle in something. He leaves all the lights on too. He has been told to stop that. He has not listened.

He has a full time job as a cook at a decent/not cheap restaurant. He told me he made $9/hour and got $200/month in food stamps which he sells to someone for $100. He also said he got tips but did not say how much. He has been getting some overtime pay as well. He has no bills but was complaining that he could not afford gas. I don't know how he can spend all that money on whatever forms of entertainment he uses it for. He gets tested for drugs so I don't think that is it. He did run up a big porn bill I think last time he stayed - several hundred dollars in maybe a month. He once had a girlfriend who used him for money - he would give most of his money to her. That may be happening again. I really don't know and would not care what he does/did with his money if he would at least cover the cost of his living in the house and using resources.

He does not give my mom anything for staying here even though his income is far higher than that of the rest of the household combined. I have been giving my mom $300/month for a long time and I was only working 14 hours per week at minimum wage. This is down to 6 hours per week because the woman I work for is gone for the summer and all I have to do is water her plants. I give my mom all of the money from that until the woman gets back. I keep the money I make on eBay but I am too depressed now to put anything up for sale. It soon will not matter anyway.

My brother does not believe that I have any income and is jealous of me because I get to be a parasitic freeloader. My mom told him today that he was going to have to start paying her $50/week if he was going to stay any longer. He replied that he was gone most of the time. He then got pissed and left without saying anything. He has been gone since Saturday morning but I am sure he'll be back soon to waste electricity and water washing and drying his clothes one piece at a time .

I don't know why he feels jealous of me. I actually intend to commit suicide on September 7th. It has nothing to do with him - I am just extremely depressed and I am not going to continue living. That is not what I want to talk about though and there is nothing anyone can say to stop me or make me change my mind. I know it will have a negative impact on others but I have decided that I am going to do it anyway without taking into consideration how anyone else feels or will feel about it. I have had enough of this life. I will also be unable to feel bad about what I am going to do after I am dead. There is a chance I will change my mind myself. It is possible that when the time comes I won't be able to do it due to fear or concern about how others will be hurt by what I do but I think if I continue playing it out in my mind almost every day I probably won't be afraid and I will probably stop caring about how anyone else feels.

I have sleep apnea and can't afford the expensive sleep study that is required before I can get treatment. The doctor says I could die if I don't do something and that it will be hard for me to get my blood pressure under control without treatment. Even if I could afford the sleep study, I have to pay for it even if I don't sleep at all. You have to sleep for at least 6 hours during the study according to my doctor. I have trouble sleeping even at home and usually can't sleep in new places especially if there is any sound I am not used to. I also can't sleep well unless it is cool - 60-70deg/F or lower with a fan. Doing the study is out of the question since it would almost surely be a waste of money.

Maybe I will just die of natural causes before my date with death. If not, the method of choice should work very well. That is not what I really wanted to talk about though. It is my brother and the financial strain he is causing that is bothering me at the moment. I can't buy anything I want to have fun or try to enjoy my last two months on this God-forsaken hellhole of an Earth because I can't have any fucking money to do it with due to the cost of excessive electricity and water usage.

He is not evil or anything like that as far as I can tell - I am not trying to make him out as a complete bad guy or anything like that. He has shown enough evidence that he has positive feelings for others (including me, he seemed extremely worried and freaked out when I thought I was dying and was screaming that I was dying a while back - my mom said she had trouble keeping him calm when that happened) that I don't think he has antisocial personality disorder but he probably has narcisistic personality disorder. If I had the same income and was sharing the house with two other adults I would feel obligated to pay 1/3 of the bills but would probably do more than that if I was making far more than the other two made/got combined. I don't know why he isn't willing to give $50/week. He wouldn't even notice the difference in income much if at all, especially since he has no bills.
 
Jean-Paul said:
a zombie elvis and jeff dahmer with a shovel just like resting his leg on a big lion.
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Dear God. Well I hope Dahmer doesn't end up eating you alive.

I hope everything checks out fine in the mental department for both of us in the end
 
This post is triggering so don't read if you don't want that.




I ran out of benzos and only used a small dose the last few times, haven't had any in too long. I went in to withdrawal last night. I was screaming like I was being murdered when it got real bad earlier today. I have used alcohol and lyrica/pregabalin to try to make it stop. It improved the symptoms but it is still bad and now it is getting worse again. I feel like it is damaging my brain. I feel like I might have a seizure and my skin feels like it is burning. I have had horrible panic but somehow I am somewhat calm now. I have felt like I am going insane - like psychotic and extremely paranoid. My blood pressure and body temperature are elevated. Bad mood swings. Weird taste in my mouth.

I hate this. For some reason, I don't want to die or commit suicide right now which is really fucked up. I want this to end. I can get some clonazepam in about 10 hours to make it stop but it might be a new level of hell by then. At least this will end fairly soon. I can't imagine being like this but worse like yesterday and late last night when it came on really fast for days or weeks or months and I won't have to find out what that is like for now since it will be ended in less than half a day unless things go bad.

I'm not even thinking of suicide so there is no point in talking about that. This may change my mind.
My brother moved in with his new GF. That will make things less stressful around here.

I wish this would fucking stop. Maybe DXM would help prevent brain damage from benzo withdrawal. Something I read makes me think that makes sense but I may be wrong. I'm just going to do it. Maybe that will make this better or maybe worse. I'm not doing it because I want to get fucked up. I also did not trip on DXM on the 4th like I planned because I felt too bad to do anything like that.

I want to scream. I feel like I am going insane.


Update:
My blood pressure is 179/98. I feel pure terror. Maybe this is something worse than benzo withdrawal. It sure seems to be something really bad. I hate it. I can't stand it. This fucking night drags on and on. I hope this can be stopped soon without permanent damage. I feel like needles are pricking my tongue and it tastes like metal. I think I might die God damn this!

Final update:
I got clonazepam and those horrible symptoms are mostly gone. I think this confirms that it was benzo withdrawal. I also no longer have any desire to die after going through that nightmare. I am going to have to find a way to prevent that from recurring and try to slowly taper down from benzos. That was one of the worst experiences I have had due to drugs and the worst withdrawal. God, it was awful!
 
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I'm so fucking sick of everything. I can't take it. I can't take the heroin paws. I can't take the PTSD. I can't take being fucking addicted to psychedelics which are making me literally insane. I can't take an internship that has me at a desk 10 hours a day without paying me. I can't take my dad being a violent abusive asshole. I also can't take him dying. I can't take my friends dying. I can't take my other friends being gone because I let go of everyone on heroin. I can't take hating myself and everyone hating me. I can't take being literally unable to breathe and unable to take 5 steps without my heart freaking out. I just can't take anymore. Someone please tell me what to do because I'm just breaking. I seriously beg you. I don't know what to do.
 
losing weight the healthy way sucks... its difficult and frustrating especially because I know the vyvanse Xanax and whiskey diet would work so well but I need to be healthy for my son... but I am not happy with how I look
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I am suffering a bit due to inner personal issues. It is hard to get over these things one step at a time.
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*sigh* Isn't it? :( I'm in the same boat myself.
"Mindfulness!" I tell myself. It's a wonderful tool, but it does not always work for me.
What's up, CH?
 
super bummed out.

i come home after work, hating life and wanting to die. i lay in bed for a while, and can only think about killing myself. i see me hanging from a rope, dead and lifeless, but smiling(which I pretty much never do). only when I am dead will I be happy.

eventually I cave and do drugs to feel better. I don't want to get high anymore, I need to forget that I hate myself.
 
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