Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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came back to live at my dads in my home town to try and sort out my problems, in the first 3 days I've lost about £300 gambling and not made any progress in my recovery at all. I feel like absolute shit and part of me just wants to end it all now before my dad gets back and sees what he has come home to(he's on a business trip) but the main part of me wants to recover and wants to show my dad that I can do that and it will just take time. I need to make a list of what needs to be done and do it, no more faffing around and no more trips to the casino.
 
Fucking hell! I had to abandon my previous BL account and start fresh because someone I thought I can trust fully decided to TELL EVERYONE that I need help and I was binging... Yeah, just because I took 5 days to my fucking self and to deal with my 5-year-long relationship ending... But nooooo, I use needles, hence I MUST HAVE BEEN binging and need to be committed NAO!

Fucking bullshit. And she went to tell this to my ex, who hit me and i kicked him out - which was why i needed to be alone a bit. And she goes and gives my abusive ex such information... BULLSHIT! And the most maddening part is that I was clean as a whistle this whole week, ffs.

Part of me wants to shove my foot so far up her ass that my foot will need a roadmap to find a way out. Other part of me thinks that this is what she expects - because I'm IV JUNKIE therefor I of course get angry because obviously I've got something to hide... So, I must revenge her by just being awesome. To show her HOW wrong it was what she did. Right?
 
I've been partying a tad too much lately. I can get into serious trouble if me and a couple friends put our heads together.
I live in the hood too, its bad here :(
I just wanna live right and fucking succeed. Im too deviant i swear.
 
I don't know what music (or types of music) you like, but when I feel this way I attempt an overhaul by immersing myself in a new genre.

Make new friends and keep the old; one is silver and the other gold

I immerse myself in shpongle, asc, sunchase, floyd, ambient shit, minimal shit. I'm jamming to som sunchase ft electrosoul alluvion i think it is right now. Straight arabian sounding rolling drum n bass
 
I want fucking heroin, fuck, fuck, FUCK. I'm so fucking sick of all this and now I can't have the one thing that made me better and just FUCK this.
 
^You are right the way you are, despite the craving Pagey. Fight the bullshit ffs...! Why wouldn't you?
<3
 
In all ways, I am just so fucking irritated. I can't fix anything for anyone and I don't even want to do any fucking thing. Why? Why should I bother?
My body doesn't feel well. My joints are hurting and swollen to a degree they have not for prob more than 5 years. Night fevers again, end of remission which makes me more irritated and pissed off. I refuse to take the new DMDs. Damn near died the last time I took them. Bitch bitch bitch...
But mostly dumb ideas are working on my wee brain and I know it wouldn't take much effort to go pick up and go home to curl up in the warm blanket. Even after so long, even with adequate physical relief attainable, the really hurt and broken spots are talking loud. It is makin me feckin crazy but no, no, i can't cuz it'll fuck up everything and once will end up be twice and then things will start to get noticed...
And we all fall down
-izzy
 
Izzy <3

Remember you fondly...you were a poster on here when I only arrived.


no, i can't cuz it'll fuck up everything and once will end up be twice and then things will start to get noticed...
And we all fall down.
You're totally right.
;)
Be proud of that! ;)<3
 
I'm so exhausted, this whole week has been a head fuck and we are only on day 4. Had 40 minutes sleep last night/ this morning. I'm such a fucking idiot. I can't explain anything... I just want to sleep but I fucking cant, I'rational, have done everything to try and calm myself down, but my heart just won't stop racing, it's been 150bpm+ plus for hours. Just had a bad panic attack, heart rate was like 180. Argh. Other symptoms which are making me paranoid as fuck- numbness in hands, pins and needles, shaking, fever, constant jerking and spasming muscles including eyes.. So dizzy/ out of it shdn I get up.. I'm just a floating head. No spatial awareness. Slight visual distortions. Heart rate about 140-150.

I haven't taken anything in 12 hours but its not going away. I've had withdrawals, comedowns before, but this one has really bitch slapped me straight in the face. I'm so scared and paranoid about having a seizure, shaking so hard.. I need to just find out the odds of me having one, But the thought is makingmy heart tighten up and now, panic attack. This must sound pretty whiny, sorry. trying to block it out, keep to myself and ride it out.
 
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I'm sick of people telling me I'm making shit up, and that I'm crazy.. Stupid ass people, if u want to keep calling me names stay out of my life!!
Today's my bday, and do u think any of my "friends" called me, haha nope.. Its days like this that really tell who how many people really don't give 2 shit about you.. I need some1 in my life to @ least pretend to give a fucking shit.. I failed @ suicide 2 weeks ago, but I may have 2 give it another whirl real soon here..
 
so annoyed. rang to get disabled tickets for a gig this month and there are loads of seated tickets left but none for the disabled section. i hate being disabled i always have to miss gigs and nights out because there is no access for me :(
 
D~
Totally not cool.. I'm sorry bro. :( that sux its like that,you shouldn't have 2 worry about access..
 
I fucking hate when people call someone racist for simply stating someone elses race to describe them. If I say, ”my friend's Asian”, and some heckler says, ”that's racist”, it's annoying and immature. Simply stating someone's race to describe them is not fucking racist. Saying derogatory and opinionated remarks about someone's race is racist. The term racist is thrown around so often without second thought. Providing a simple race related fact without a crass opinion should not be referred to as racist, look up the definition of the word.
 
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