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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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and so as to continue the 'missing fire extinguisher mystery': the kid that i noticed its missing with originally; who i mentioned it missing it with before; after just now asking if: fire extinguisher could be fun, and have you stolen one before? he said that the first one he stole, had no hoses(as did this one). i asked: you stole the first one to play with.

yes admitted he did; why?? because there is nothing else to do.
 
Jean Paul I'm so totally feeling what you are upset about. I know about the shit job that you really need even though it's utter shit. I know about sugar daddy.

I hope something comes along better for you in a hurry, because you're at your wits end with the bullshit.

There's no jobs and when there is a job it's a horrible job where horrible people with bad attitudes give you hard looks all day every day.

At least a blow job is a job.
 
WOKE UP IN SEVERE NERVE PAIN. Couldn't move my leg without severee pain. It is supposedly sciatica. I don't know how severe sciatica can be but I haven't walked or been off my bed in literally one month. My GF does everything for me n she's getting sick of it. I've never been this disabled or in this much pain. Im so fucking miserable. I need to see a doc but im in so much motherfuckin pain how the FUCK do I get to the hospital? Its not like serious pain. Its what I imagine a gunshot feels like.

Im shooting ~5 roxies + 2-3 dilaudids a day and all it does is barely let me sleep for an HR or two if im having a good day pain wise. Imnow used to being constantly constantly awake. My music career was EXPLODING and now all my artists and projects have gone to other studios n producers. Its very depressing.

Running thru my savings getting pills and having my girl go out to dangerous areas to pick up makes me feel useless. Fuck.
 
I haven't had much to say lately. I haven't had the desire, there's been nothing inside.
The expression of my thoughts itself doesn't inherently help, but it's like I have to formulate them and show them to myself instead of anything naturally arising.
I'm hoping if I just type, my fingers will take over and I'll muster up some sort of understanding or analysis of anything.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I have no ambitions, passions, genuine desires... deep care.
It's all so empty.
I find myself looking for something.

Music has been disinteresting as of late, although tonight has been better than the past week or so.
I think it's the act of finding new music and listening to different things and hoping I actually spark something, as opposed to really liking the music itself.
It's so fleeting and trivial, nothing sticks.

Just like my desire to continue writing this.
 
^ deathdomokun, i just wrote that bit about music in my notes to my psych(imaginary psych!). i am no longer interested in music like i was, which is one of the things that make me who i am.

living on the surface without breaking through and actually getting involved in things and interested and being able to care...feels pointless. it's wasting time.

i believe i have severe anxiety, depression partly due to that and maybe partly on its own, and i'm pretty sure i have PTSD. i would really not like to add another to the list (i already disclude OCD usually because it's always been there). i just think it's something i have, due to specific things that have happened, and i need help with it.

my rant today is about insurance. i have to get a real copy of my medicaid card, because the private therapist i sent up a placeholder appt. with knows there is a type of (medicaid)insurance that might not cover seeing private therapists and psychs.

it sounds pompous, but the outpatient hospital psychs are incompetent. they deal with stupid crackheads all day, and they can't hear me when i talk or understand how deep i need to get and how real it is. they don't have the tools.

if i can't see private doctors with my medicaid, i may have to wait til DECEMBER to see a psychiatrist. and as for therapists? there was a waiting list. i don't even ask how long it was, because at that point the reality of the establishment i was in had settled in.

i'm getting more and more depressed daily. i want help and i can't get it.

there is something very, very, very wrong with the mental health care system. at least for people with medicaid.

but who cares, right? who cares if things get even worse? i am SURE the world won't get exponentially worse for everyone. everything will be fine. the system is good enough.
 
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DeathDomokun said:
Music has been disinteresting as of late, although tonight has been better than the past week or so.
I think it's the act of finding new music and listening to different things and hoping I actually spark something, as opposed to really liking the music itself.
It's so fleeting and trivial, nothing sticks.
Click to expand...

I don't know what music (or types of music) you like, but when I feel this way I attempt an overhaul by immersing myself in a new genre.

Make new friends and keep the old; one is silver and the other gold
 
I wish I could calm down- heart rate is 130-140bpm. Ugh.
 
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