I'm not all that sure what to say missy, I think (I know, redundant, but I like the humility of the expression) I understand where you're coming from thought. After coming "out" about my heroin use to my so and close family (yes, I know, big mistake in retrospect - at least could have been handled better by me, but fuck it if I just wanted to be me, and that is part of whom I am) and got roped into a horrible string of rehab and AA experiences, I had a really hard time trusting people, at least without having some sort of totally self-dependent back up plan if anyone tried to take advantage of my normally genius nature. There were other reasons too, but this has a lot to do with how, why and when I basically put all my stuff (clothes, furneture, computers/electronic equipment, book, paintball gun collection, etc) into storage, closed my bank account and lived on the street in Venice Beach for a couple weeks. I was going to use this as a chance to take an awesome trip, up the coast to WA (never been, but I'd love to) and our great Northern neighbor. Oppertunistically, my dad decided to take this as a chance to make up, as he knew I was voluntarily on the street (that also had to do something with a "fuck you sober living people - I'm going to set myself free" attitude). And it's kind of hard to say no to a warm dinner, a glass of wine and a nice comfy bed after 14 days of eating at random shelters and sleeping on concrete at night and grass during the day (although Venice is cool, there's lot of random nugs of weed on the ground, and Santa Monica I have always liked).
Anyways, the point of all that... Hmm, not too sure. There was one... How about this:
Although I knew I could get my stuff back and resume my normal materialist life whenever I wanted, getting out of North Hollywood (shudder) and living on the streets in Venice was my way of getting away from other people's bullshit (which at the time I was surrounded by). I just wanted, and want, to be myself. Although of course I seek the well-being and maturity of my body, mind and spirit, I have enough of my own problems to be burdened by those of others.
Once again -
This is why I tell you that you are the most important person in your world, your first priority.
And in escaping from all those shitheads, Nazis (seriously, white supremacists), impotent gang bangers and fake recovery industry gurus that I was surrounded by NoHo, I learned something: Although the experience the true freedom personal independence from (largely externally imposed) social responsibility was so refreshing as to be personally and spiritually liberating, I end up still having myself to deal with. And I found that, even trying to use really hard drugs, it's impossible to escape from one's self.
I wish you would find a way to become more emotionally independent. Wow, that sounds really cold and dickish, but I think you know what I mean. You are a wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful, skilled individual. It's a shame to see your sense of individuality and self and happiness be degraded by what I prickishly call the pettiness of another's lies.
It's hard to give a lot of advice given the ambiguity of your post, but let me say one more thing: Don't. Stop. Caring. Trying to repress or avoid your feelings will do you little good in the end. Of course, the question now is, okay, you are going to embrace your feelings - but how do you embrace getting hurt and shit on my insensitive prickish dicks? This I guess is the question.
At one point earlier in my childhood, my mother (only son; divorced, Jewish single mother; you can imagine the doting) and I were so meshed together our relationship got terribly codependent. In a very real sense, we be came dependent on one another's state of well-being for our own sense of happiness. It took a while for me to grow out of this, and when I did I ended up (this is all as in hind sight, mind you) individuating myself and becoming emotionally/psychologically self dependent by doing the teenage revolt thing (my mom is from another, somewhat foreign upper class Jewish almost aristocratic extended New England and Eastern European family, and you can imagine she was no fan of drugs - so that's of course one of the places I turned in becoming my own self, as opposed being like her).
Eventually somewhere between college and law school I figured myself out, and found opioids. Eventually heroin become something of a challenge, but one I rose to. It's funny how my use of said drug has literally no consequences other than the moderate cost until I started telling people what I was up to (for four or five years while I used heroin no one, not even the girl I lived with and was madly in love with, literally no one but the dealers and my one friend who turned my on to it knew what I did, and even this friend was kept out of the look once I got my own connect given he floated around the fringes of my social network and was exceedingly careful to keep my habit hidden). Anyways, now I'm dealing with how to manage my love for opioids and a frank and honest social life (of course I don't run around scream, "IV heroin user!!!" actually funny story, before I came out about my use and was living with my significant other in Boston's North End going to law school, we walked by a Red Cross volunteer on Hanover St, and upon being asked to give blood I raise my arms and said, "IV drug user!" my s.o. thought this was very funny at the time, little did she know this was really me being frank hehehe).
Anyways, my mom struggled with her codependency for even longer, not just with me but with her own mother (it's at once horrible and hilarious seeing my mom and my maternal grandmother together, cause the dynamic is the same as between me and my mom, although the tables are turned on her and she's the child
). She's come a loooong way since she began to realize how much work I was doing trying to come into my own self.
These days I have a great relationship with her, although we still struggle and butt heads once in a while (I have a limit of time I can spend in close physical proximity to her, for instance, but I enjoy talking with her about almost anything, now including drugs and drug use).
Assuming the people who lie to you are close friends, or exs or people whom you care about, you'll have to find a way to insulate your well being from their lies and deceit. And manipulation? Assuming you're not too close with these people, or they aren't particularly important to you, fuck em. You're probably better off just spending more time by yourself, or ideally meeting other certain new people (make friends at the local dive bar probably isn't going to work as well as at, assuming you like art, a major museum or in my case, as I have a collection of vintage stock class paintball markers, a paintball field) who share at least one significant thing in common with you, something you care about and that they do as well (so ya'll can bond).
Such bondage (harharhar) doesn't happen all the time, but you might be surprised. I never would have thought my neighbors were so cool, until I started going on lots of walks around the neighborhood, borrowing one's lighter and playing with another's "guard" dog (we have the same name - he's Mikey and I'm Mike, so we get along).
Anyways, I really don't know where I'm going with this anymore...
What is the most defining characteristic about the humanity, the most essential thing that makes a human a human? Creativity. In all senses of the word.
You can find a way to be happy. Don't allow your happiness to depend upon whether or not any individual or two tells the truth. If you care about them, deal with it, otherwise ditch em', cause you can see what's happening.
The last thing I would suggest, as it's never led to good things for me, is to become totally pessimistic or cynical. Don't get me wrong. I am something of a cynic. But I'm a lot of other things too. Focus not on that which makes you hurt, but that which makes you happy. What makes you happy? How can you inteigrate such into your life in a more robust way?
I hope I haven't been totally off with all this... If nothing else, at least it's a distraction
GUESS WHAT?!?!!!? Thank dog I got my suboxone!!!!! omfg it's so nice to occupy this chosen of mine middle grounds, between the sedation and difficulties of heroin and the pain of w/d or boredom of sobriety. so nice not having to... well, you can imagine. shoot me an email sometime. hope your day is going well so far! Sending good vibes your way, via express transit, so you should have them before suppertime
(btw, Ceremonial Chemistry is a lot of fun! highly recommended)
m
