Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

[pr0zaccc]

So I am back, I had came on here a week or two ago, I have had some crazy ups and downs, I got through the worst of the withdrawal. I am still withdrawing and it seems like itll never end but I'm finally sleeping. My family let me move back into there house today. I am the most clear headed ive been in 4 years, but I still hurt. I gotta put everything into it this time I don't got another go in me. I tried committing suicide two different times but both times I woke up, so fuck it I am maybe the happiest I have been in a very very long time. I gotta put everything I have in me this time round or there wont be another go at it.

 

[Bojangles69]

That was weird I just typed 3 posts and deleted every single one of them.

I decided I was going to bitch about something tonight even though I'm not in a specifically bad mood and apparently you have to actually be in a bad mood to bitch about things.

I think I really just wanted to bitch about being human. I find a lot of my anxieties in life really just come from being human and what humans do and what humans expect of each other (and especially how humans treat each other). And I can talk about this shit for 4 hours straight but thats what I feel like I already did. So rather than rant I will just say even though I'm not depressed or anxious sometimes I can feel like it just sucks to exist in "our world" or the world we have created for ourselves. How often I just want to press the stop button on life and do other more meaningful shit. Or do nothing at all.

I wish we could do that more often in life with out such negative consequences lol. Like yeh I need my job but today I just feel like flying to antartica and taking a tour of what global warming has done to the icecaps. Or yeh I should just go to the gym and do normal things but fuck I just kinda feel like having sex all day and eating food. I wish life in general could be more random. Honestly I fucking despise routine and doing the same shit everyday. Its almost like you have to do it and thats why I hate it. Even when we do different things we're just doing something we do less often lol. I have no idea what I'm saying see this is why I delete my posts I can not make a single point. But this small crap can sometimes make me anxious it makes me do nothing but stare at the clock all day like so many other people but GOD do I HATE STARING at the clock. Like a work. Or when I do cardio. Or even when I masturbate... WHY do I always have to care what time it is?

Fuck humans and being normal. I definitely notice I am somewhat of an anticonformist at heart. I find this also creates a lot of bs in my life but fuck it also makes me tired and I feel like going to bed. =] I really do think too much I don't know how the hell you stop that either...

 

[drscience]

Here's my rant.

I'm fucking sorry to all the people I've harmed directly or indirectly with my stupid fucking addiction. I've been really selfish the past year and a half, and I just want to make it right. Problem is I know this is gonna take a long time and I'm so used to instant gratification that I don't know if I can do it.

Its gonna be really hard to undo all the harm I have caused and I am overwhelmed by this.

I'm sorry mum, I never meant for it to get this way, but when i asked for help, emotional or material or whatever (even asking for a place to stay), you always threw money at me and I feel it enabled the fuck out of me. That's why I get so angry at you at times. I'm angry at you and myself.

I just don't know.

 

[OverDone]

New Order - Blue Monday

 

[drscience]

New Order - Blue Monday

i fucking love this song.

 

[Mariposa]

^+1

My vent for the day would be that everyone around me is sick, as in with the flu/cold. I'm hopeful to have resisted this but I think it is only a matter of time, and that would be very, very inconvenient as I have things to do. I am covered in bruises from moving furniture (I have very light skin and I am fibromyalgic). I bruise so easily and I cannot stand it, all of my medical tests (for which I have to pay a fortune) come back perfect. No one can figure out what is wrong with me.

 

[xstayfadedx]

I'm super depressed right now because it would be my best friend/boyfriend's birthday today. He would have been 20 today ): sadly he passed away back in april due to a heroin overdose and nothing has ever been the same. I still love and miss him. I know I will never truly accept the fact he's gone but eventually I will have to continue living. My life has been on hault for awhile. I don't know where I'm heading let alone what I want. When he was alive it was as if everything was figured out and now that he's gone its like wtf am I really searching for in life.... its as if I went from having everything to nothing but now I'm slowly getting back to having what I need.

I was just on facebook and I saw this status that my sister posted, made me want to cry but I haven't yet because I've gotten to the point where I'm so depressed that I can't even cry anymore....this is her post: "Happy 20th Birthday Zachary Alexander Nichols. You were my best friend and the one I talked about everything with, you understood me and I understood you. You were suppose to marry my sister and have our kids fight eachother mma style (mine would have won), you were the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I remember your one cheeto photo when you made it seem like a joint >.< omg ... that was when I first met you.. you of course talked to Chantel before then but, that was one of the first pics I saw of you. You were the sweetest guy in the world, the coolest guy in the world. I miss you. I know your up there watching over everyone right now, you always were a caring and strong guy... yeahh you're probably laughing that I'm actually complimenting you without our little fake fights. You win this one . I love you Zac Attack you will always be my best friend."

When I read that I was more heartbroken than I already am which I didn't think was possible... Its horrible how people can die, especially people that meant so much to you. He wasn't even old!!! He was so young and had so much potential....a 4.0 gpa and he could of made it into great schools! He was also a fighter and fought his hardest against his drug addictions but sadly they won.

I miss you so fucking much Zac. Why did you have to die? I should of done more... Why did I just watch you get high and not say anything? I did try to but I didn't say enough. Why did I give up on you? I finally decided to apologize for not being there anymore and what happens, your cell is disconnected and then I check your fb to see if I can get ahold of you and all I see is rest in peace. I thought it was a late april fools joke kind of like the one you did on april 1st but it wasn't... But I mean you couldn't be dead could you??? These tears coming down my face weren't actually there and this was all a joke.... but it wasn't. It wasn't a joke and now you're gone. I couldn't even get out of bed for days and if I did I would go right back asap. I spent days in it, forgetting about friends and school. I thought I died too, maybe I did... You were everything to me from that day I met you when I was 12 and I was like who is this kid? And still now you do but your no longer just that kid but someone who has greatly impacted my life.

I love you and I will always forever. I am thankful to have known you and have had you in my life. You will never be forgotten and I will always carry our memories in my heart and your love in my heart. Like you said, people change but my love for you will never change. That will always remain true... And today I will try to focus on all the good things. All the amazing times we had. We both went from being two young kids who were so immature at times to two young adults who finally grew up...it went from I love you my bestest friend and then to I love you babe and so on. I hope you're doing okay and I know you're. All the pain you went through is over. You're fine for once and because of that my mind is at peace about you. Now its time to work on how I'm doing..because I know you wouldn't want to ever see me this way.

 

[footscrazy]

^ I know we've had our differences, but I feel your pain and I know it sucks. I miss my best friend more than anything. Sometimes her death hits me like this despair that I feel like has to have some release, there's no way feeling this bad can be true. But it is true, and it fucking sucks.

 

[effie]

^^ much stayfaded. It's my boyfriend's birthday soon and I don't know how I will cope his parents want us to all visit his grave and set off skylanterns but I honestly think it will be too painful... footscrazy is right, it seems just unreal that it can hurt this much, I still can't get my head round it at all.. but hurting means we loved them. We couldn't stop them dying, it was out of our control, but if it had to happen - I am glad I loved Dave enough to hurt this much, even if it seems impossible to carry on sometimes. It isn't impossible, just got to keep taking one step after another

Much to you too footscrazy. No one should have to go through losing a best friend or partner

So I was going to come in here and rant about the trains being cancelled and not making it home.. but reading your posts and thinking about Dave's death has made me realise how unimportant that is! It certainly puts everything into perspective.. nothing will ever seem as bad again I think, hah..



ps feel free to come over to the grief/bereavement thread if you want to, or pm me if you want to talk to someone who understands!

 

[blurrrxx]

i'm hella fed up with my own shit like ive said that a lot but REALLY. last night consisted of shots w/ a friend i hadn't seen in a while & has been physical w/ me before but totally tricked me into thinkin it would be all sweet n kosher w/someone else there (that ended up leaving, and not bein able to drive where I live cuz it's faaar), but being my 18year old gullible self in the first place. and what do you know, soon as we were gettin high n at his place he turns to criticizing every move i make & not letting me leave...n i'm so anxiety ridden n have been my whole life that 4 years of meth use has made me a different, recluse like person with almost no social skills while under pressure x twacked x fucked in general, so "friend" is suffering psychosis similar in levels of extreme to mine, but his consist of being ultra irritated by the fact I get like that under those circumstances & also thinking everyone's out to get him (never stolen, nor tried pissing him off on purpose..) and doing all the things he comes up with when really he's the one losing his shit, etc, so banging my head into the shower door the first time turned into to last night's starting to tie me up by bounding my hands but quit there, blows to the head so hard my ears were ringing, throwing me around by my hair.. all sorts of shit that got to be kinda bizarre..& i was pleading for him to stop, please. ive never done that & I always keep a straight face as part of preservation of my dignity i guess.. always, and i was crying like a bitch pleading for mercy getting lougies(?) spat in my face that were new levels of disgusting and degrading.. and when all the bullshit's over, when he's done crying feeling bad about what happened i was getting yelled at with the sight of a tear, SIGHT --not even the true production. told that i'm nothin, a piece of shit, blah blah-- i'm so tired. a truth now, when not only is the shit itself breaking me down piece by piece but the people i'm doing it with are so twisted in their psychosis they're gonna end up killin me if i'm not careful & i'll be damned if i dont at least go out by my own fucking knife

 

[effie]

blurxxx, that's awful

I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It definitely sounds like meth psychosis played a part, but whatever the reasons, you should never have to put up with being physically attacked like that! The fact that your "friend" has done it before concerns me too.. sometimes you need to put yourself first; you can't stand for being attacked in such a vicious way (or at all!) and I would be really worried about you spending anymore time with this person

In fact, you would be entirely justified in going to the police about this assault. Have you spoken to anyone about it (apart from us ofc?)

Please don't let others' actions affect your self esteem or self-worth at all. This is not your fault! It sounds like your aquaintance needs some help, and I hope they get it, but that isn't your problem (and after he attacked you like that I don't think there is any way you can be the one to help) - sometimes you need to look after you, and stay away from anyone who would do that to you.. try not to let people like this have power over you. It's your life

 

[herbavore]

blurrrxx, that sounds terrible. I know that you know what you have to do because it is written throughout your post--get help for yourself and keep away from these people. I just want to give you love and support you to take care of yourself. You know that you deserve to be in control of your own life. It can feel overwhelming when every single aspect seems hopeless. Try to break off one small bit at a time--not getting high with people that are not safe could be a small step while you are figuring out how to tackle the big step of getting meth out of your life altogether. You just went through a terrifying experience. As you begin to come out of the shock from it try to take some knowledge from it and create a change rather than beating yourself up for being "gullible" or high or whatever. You have a lot of strength inside, fear and anxiety notwithstanding. Please take good care of yourself--you deserve it.

xstay, footscrazy and effie---my heart is with all of you as you bravely face what I myself find so difficult with many more years under my belt. There really is no wisdom, no philosophy that can touch the pain of our loss. But there is wisdom that can help us live. That is what I try to focus on--not forgetting, not denying the endless nature of the pain, but learning how to carry it with me while living joyously. I remeber when Caleb was a baby and I had a front-pack and a backpack and a baby sling and my own two arms and no matter what I used something always ached from carrying his weight around for any length of time; but not once would I have ever traded the aches and pain for the joy and comfort of having him so close to my body. That's my new metaphor for how to live with his absence. I carry it gratefully, though it hurts like hell. Much love to each of you.

 

[blurrrxx]

thank you guys for the support that's gone a long way in just 2 posts, it's much appreciated! really this is one of the few areas I feel comfortable speaking about it, I don't believe he wanted to do it to an extent or else I'm sure it would have ended up a whole lot worse. (I'm really lucky for it to have not), but who really knows, &its not excused one bit. no police contact will be made, and that's just the way I am but also in his defense i could see me portrayed as an 'imaginative' young troubled (and possibly high so there goes any credibility to my accusations) emotionally disturbed (psych hosp. history, group homes, list of diagnoses')girl.in conclusion I'm leaving it/him alone..I'm sure he'll be disappointed that what he thought would be me running telling everyone the news that i'm only saying to very few and not playing the victim nor calling the police. karma is a motherfuckerrr

 

[xstayfadedx]

^ I know we've had our differences, but I feel your pain and I know it sucks. I miss my best friend more than anything. Sometimes her death hits me like this despair that I feel like has to have some release, there's no way feeling this bad can be true. But it is true, and it fucking sucks.

I really would like to apologize for what happened back in april. It wasn't right for me to come at you like that when we both were going through about the same thing. Really, I do feel sorry for doing that. Ever since his death my emotions and life period has been an up and down rollercoaster. I'm wondering if it will ever get better anytime soon... Maybe it will maybe it won't.

And to effie, I will for sure make it over to that thread. I've read some of it but didn't know what to say for some reason so I stopped myself from posting... I will contribute soon though. It was such a great idea for you to make that thread. Sorry to have gotten your mind on Dave again (even though I'm sure he's there all the time).

I hope it gets better for the three of us and everyone else going through these horrible experiences. My heart goes out to you all

Its actually almost 11:30 pm and I'm about to throw on a jacket and run to the river near my house. I have written a letter to him and am going to throw it in this glass bottle I have. Probably, sounds crazy but my mom just came into my room and she's going to walk with me right now.. (Crazy people around here at night am not about to go alone...there were two men who jumped a female the other day and sexually assaulted her but she got away). Anyways I will be now going to the river lol and I was just in bed to sleep.

Edit: herbavore didn't see your post but thank you as well . Your word mean a lot to me as well. Sorry about your loss its such a hard thing to go through. My thoughts are with you all.

 

[xstayfadedx]

So I just got home from throwing the bottle with my letter and other things in the river.... Its not exactly near my house but yeah it was so sketchy. A guy was following my mom and me even after we walked across city but I wasn't so worried cause she brought a kitchen knife lol... Anyways I finally got to the part of the river where I want to throw it in and after thinking for a minute I finally did. I heard the water splash and started seeing it trail down the river. My mom watched with me as it started drifting farther and farther away from us. I started crying cause it was depressing... It was only a letter in a bottle but felt like so much more. After I cried and I started to smile and laugh...I don't know why but I finally felt better. Hopefully this is a good turning point in my life...

 

[AndroidsDreamofBTC]

Some pretty crazy stories in this thread,

Well, I don't have any "serious" issues to complain about, but I still feel permanently unhappy. I have a pretty good job. It's not what I imagined I would be doing when I was 16, but this position is still better than 90-95% of the jobs in Ukraine. I have loving parents who care about me. I always have something to do on the weekends. I've been thinking a lot about my life and I am making some tiny steps to get myself in the right direction. However...

Every day I wake up and generally feel like shit for the whole day. Sometimes I'll wake up and I'll think "Fuck, another day, not again." Feeling like this is so destructive for my unstable mind.

While my parents love me and would do anything to help me out, I don't feel they have the capacity to truly care about what's really going on in my head. Due to no fault of their ow, their attachment to me is primarily a product of their own insecurities and dreams. If my behavior or feelings don't fit into their framework/worldview, they just brush them off as irrational stupidity. They basically want me to experience life only in the context of their own expectations/dreams. And I have to deal with this everyday (I live with them).

While I love my job, I feel that it doesn't really allow me to actualize myself. It's cool to work in a start-up as a "odd jobs"/ marketing person, but I want to do more. I want to be the rainmaker that turns a good idea into a profitable business. But Ukraine has no real opportunities for something like that. And even if I wanted to get a new job, I would never be able to find a job with such a cool boss and such good pay.

I become really emotionally attached to people, which ruins my chances of getting laid. I really like my best friend in a romantic way, but she sees me as just a friend "You'd make such a good boyfriend!" And the worst thing is I can't do anything to deal with this whole situation. I just feel like shit every time we hang out. I do make an effort to meet other girls, but it's always halfhearted. I really need to minimize contact with her and be around other people.

In the last few months, I've started viewing all the people I've been hanging out since I moved to Ukraine in a very different light. I just find it difficult to take them seriously. It's just more dull BS and manipulation (even if people don't do it consciously). What's the point? Why invest emotional energy into people, when they simply want to hang out with you when they have nothing better to do? Is it even worth letting people become your friends?

I really need to get into a good grad school in the UK/USA/Canada, but I can't do it because I was addicted to H during the last two years of college and my GPA is completely fucked.

I will have about 10K saved by the end of spring. I am thinking of trying to find a job somewhere in Africa (where there are no restrictions on immigration - unlike the West) and just move there. Even if this decision turns out to be a mistake, at the very least I'll be doing what I think is right.

/End Rant

 

[badfish45]

Haven't been on here in a while, but it is so time for a rant.

What the hell is up with life for a teenager? Why do parents and teachers insist on ruining our youth with work and pressures to do good in school, like when I'm at the end of my life I'm gonna be like "Fuck, I sure am glad I wasted my youth on school to waste my life working to realize I did absolutely nothing worth my time". Like is my whole life made out for money? My parents are completely obsessed with school, they swear that it's my fucking life. I have not gone through one family dinner without hearing the words college, school, money, or how much my brother is fucking up. Yet they feel the need to yell at me when I'm late for dinner because they take this "family time" so seriously, oh right wouldn't want to miss out on that. Anytime I try to take my dinner away from the table they bitch at me about how we eat as a family. I'm sick of all of it. They woke me up with their yelling about it yesterday, it's actually a pretty common thing to happen on the weekends for me, like grades are all that matter in life. I understand that there is (some) importance in doing good in school, but my parents have made it all that they raise us around. Everything. I can guarantee I've heard one of the three at least once or twice a day. Isn't there more to life? I'm sorry, in all honesty I believe that I'm on this earth for a different reason than to lick the floor my teachers walk on. I'm tempted to not go to college right away. Seriously, I'm tempted to completely stick it to my parents and freak them the hell out by not following their master plan for me. They have this preconceived notion of how my life should turn out, and that's probably why they don't like me doing drugs, it's not a health thing, IT'S A SCHOOL THING. God forbid pot makes me fuck up my 3.4 GPA that I've maintained all through high school. OH no, I won't become a fucking lawyer or some shit and make 80K a year, I might not be happy without money. Or maybe just because I'm 15, I'm an irresponsible little shit who doesn't know any better than they do. Yeah I forgot to tell you, my parents are always right. Oh did you not know that? Pardon your ignorance, but my parents are the god sends of knowledge, and won't ever admit to being wrong, because they never are wrong. They always have a reason to justify their short tempers. Oh wait, I'm sorry, a short temper how rude. My mom nearly tearing my head off for saying I don't like school is definitely not a short temper. Seriously, she essentially told me how much of a fuck up I was because I don't have a good attitude about school, like she LOST it, all because I told her I was having a bad day and I didn't like school. She told me how other kids do though. She LOVES to compare other kids to my brother and I. But when turn that around on her, oh no, she doesn't care how other kids do. Yeah fucking right. How come she uses my friends who do perfect in school, oh and in life, to put me down then? Overall, why do they never fucking listen to me? Oh right, because I'm 15, gee how could I forget, I'm still an ignorant little shit who doesn't know any better, just because my mom has had 2 kids come out her vag must mean that she knows all, or if she doesn't know all, she just knows all. Same goes for my dad. They always put my opinions down as ignorant just because I'm 15, they completely disregard any maturity and treat me like they would treat any 15 year old, they live their lives out of a parenting book. Every time they lay down some pointless discipline or rule, I just imagine them years ago, my mom pregnant with my brother, sitting their acting out the situations given in the parenting book, and then I imagine my mom giving birth and my dad sitting there next to her, testing her on what the book says. It's like they have almost no mind of their own when it comes to parenting. And they never let go. They still treat and discipline me like a little kid, like they forgot I'm a teenager, or just refuse to accept it. Like if I do something bad, "We will be taking away your computer for a week". I have seriously started laughing when they've done that, like I give a fucking shit. Oh no, maybe I was so materialistic when I was 10, but haha, I've grown up past that. Oh a little advice to any of you that read my posts. Anything philosophical, please disregard because I don't know what I'm talking about and instead please just laugh at it and tell me how I think I know everything and how "I'm only 15". Please tell me that too. I've heard it everyday of my life. Please tell me that so I can remember how I'm a little immature fuck who will only know what I'm talking about once I'm 50 and have kids. Until then, please take everything that I say as a joke or me just flaunting my ignorance. If it sounds like I'm saying anything the least bit smart, please know I'm probably just saying what my parents have said before, because they know all. But they won't admit that they think that. If I accuse them of the same thing, they'll say "I never said I knew everything", even though it's pretty damn well implied. They just don't want to seem like even bigger hypocrites than they come off as. If anybody watched my family interact they'd laugh. I know I'm a hypocrite in my own way. I know I have faults. I at least have the fucking decency to admit it.

 

[footscrazy]

I really would like to apologize for what happened back in april. It wasn't right for me to come at you like that when we both were going through about the same thing. Really, I do feel sorry for doing that. Ever since his death my emotions and life period has been an up and down rollercoaster. I'm wondering if it will ever get better anytime soon... Maybe it will maybe it won't.

It's all good

 

[fakeplastictrees4]

@levictus

hey man i know what you're going through. I am 17 atm and although im not having the problems you're having right now I definitely did. When I was 15 my parents wouldn't stop bitching and all that, saying i have so much "potential" blahblahblaah. Also I hear you on the brother thing, I have a 30 yr old bro who lost his job, license, LIFE. to alcohol, coke and gambling. So I've heard it all man. You gotta understand that your parents just love you, even though you might be resentful now just remember that you're going for the home run and you're going to start living your own life soon enough.

If its really bothering you I suggest basically just not responding to them. If they are yelling at you/ emotionally abusing you then just stare at them blankly and placate them. I usually just say okay, yes, sure, nod or something like that when they tell me im not going to achieve anything/end up like my brother/im terrible.


Even though im only 17 and still live with my parents things have changed in this short amount of time, basically Im not at the house much, I have a job, a life outside (well not at the moment...but thats a whole other story) and they've stopped nagging me because Im taking responsibility for myself.

 

[AndroidsDreamofBTC]

Well I am 23, so that changes a lot of things.

They are not abusive in the least, I just find it difficult to live with them at this age (I lived by myself for 4 years while I was in college). :D