ChemicallyEnhanced
Bluelighter
...mostly by other people's reactions?
This has happened to me in various mental health conditions, but I'm specifically referring to (maybe) an eating disorder right now :/mo
First off: even with anorexia, you don't like look in the mirror and see an obese person regardless of how underweight you are, but you do you see yourself as somewhat larger. An ED specialist one told me that most people perceive themselves as 15% thinner than they are (by most people I mean: anyone without BDD or an eating disorder)*, whereas people with eating disorders tend to see themselves on average as 15% fatter than they are. Neither sounds like much, but that's still a 30% size difference between the two.
I think it's generally been when my BMI has been below 16 or so that I've been able to check out my bones in the mirror and see somewhat consistently, that yeah, I do "look" anorexic+
Anyway, due to 95% of my pancreas being destroyed (from alcoholism and bulimia), I am now diabetic. Not type 1 or 2, but insulin-dependent. Your pancreatic cells re the only cells in your body capable of producing and secreting insulin, and since mine is effectively functioning at 5%...
I saw the diabetes nurse this morning about my blood sugars (they're still 148 instead of below 56) and I was talking about how I had lost 21lbs over three months eating whatever I want and how I "love my diabetes". I didn't mean it in an ignorant way, but she didn't appreciate that comment...and she was talking about how my kidneys are being really affected now and I was like "BUT LOOK HOW THIN I AM!"...all the while thinking this is normal behavior...anyway, now I'm being made to see Nephrology and Neurology and a Psych consultant.
And then my doctor was all weird with me about "treatment compliance".
I asked - mostly just joking/lighthearted - "Do you think I'm crazy :/?"
The nurse didn't say anything and my doctor said "...I think you're very sick"
I just realized that he basically told me "yes".
I dunno. Am I making sense? IDK what to think or do :/
Sorry if this comes across as a self-indulgent rant!
*Neurotypical people actually view themselves as better than they really are in all ways (smarter, more attractive etc...even if you think you have low self-esteem etc, generally you still view yourself as "better" than you are.
+While you have to have a BMI of less than 17.5 anorexia IS a MENTAL illness. Most anorectic people - especially if they are under 18 or still living with family - do not get thin enough to be visibly unwell to a stranger. For some reason, though, unless you are so skeletal you can barely walk, people will tell you that you don't LOOK anorexic.
This has happened to me in various mental health conditions, but I'm specifically referring to (maybe) an eating disorder right now :/mo
First off: even with anorexia, you don't like look in the mirror and see an obese person regardless of how underweight you are, but you do you see yourself as somewhat larger. An ED specialist one told me that most people perceive themselves as 15% thinner than they are (by most people I mean: anyone without BDD or an eating disorder)*, whereas people with eating disorders tend to see themselves on average as 15% fatter than they are. Neither sounds like much, but that's still a 30% size difference between the two.
I think it's generally been when my BMI has been below 16 or so that I've been able to check out my bones in the mirror and see somewhat consistently, that yeah, I do "look" anorexic+
Anyway, due to 95% of my pancreas being destroyed (from alcoholism and bulimia), I am now diabetic. Not type 1 or 2, but insulin-dependent. Your pancreatic cells re the only cells in your body capable of producing and secreting insulin, and since mine is effectively functioning at 5%...
I saw the diabetes nurse this morning about my blood sugars (they're still 148 instead of below 56) and I was talking about how I had lost 21lbs over three months eating whatever I want and how I "love my diabetes". I didn't mean it in an ignorant way, but she didn't appreciate that comment...and she was talking about how my kidneys are being really affected now and I was like "BUT LOOK HOW THIN I AM!"...all the while thinking this is normal behavior...anyway, now I'm being made to see Nephrology and Neurology and a Psych consultant.
And then my doctor was all weird with me about "treatment compliance".
I asked - mostly just joking/lighthearted - "Do you think I'm crazy :/?"
The nurse didn't say anything and my doctor said "...I think you're very sick"
I just realized that he basically told me "yes".
I dunno. Am I making sense? IDK what to think or do :/
Sorry if this comes across as a self-indulgent rant!
*Neurotypical people actually view themselves as better than they really are in all ways (smarter, more attractive etc...even if you think you have low self-esteem etc, generally you still view yourself as "better" than you are.
+While you have to have a BMI of less than 17.5 anorexia IS a MENTAL illness. Most anorectic people - especially if they are under 18 or still living with family - do not get thin enough to be visibly unwell to a stranger. For some reason, though, unless you are so skeletal you can barely walk, people will tell you that you don't LOOK anorexic.
