Mental Health Upon Realizing How Fucked Up You Are

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

...mostly by other people's reactions?

This has happened to me in various mental health conditions, but I'm specifically referring to (maybe) an eating disorder right now :/mo

First off: even with anorexia, you don't like look in the mirror and see an obese person regardless of how underweight you are, but you do you see yourself as somewhat larger. An ED specialist one told me that most people perceive themselves as 15% thinner than they are (by most people I mean: anyone without BDD or an eating disorder)*, whereas people with eating disorders tend to see themselves on average as 15% fatter than they are. Neither sounds like much, but that's still a 30% size difference between the two.
I think it's generally been when my BMI has been below 16 or so that I've been able to check out my bones in the mirror and see somewhat consistently, that yeah, I do "look" anorexic+

Anyway, due to 95% of my pancreas being destroyed (from alcoholism and bulimia), I am now diabetic. Not type 1 or 2, but insulin-dependent. Your pancreatic cells re the only cells in your body capable of producing and secreting insulin, and since mine is effectively functioning at 5%...

I saw the diabetes nurse this morning about my blood sugars (they're still 148 instead of below 56) and I was talking about how I had lost 21lbs over three months eating whatever I want and how I "love my diabetes". I didn't mean it in an ignorant way, but she didn't appreciate that comment...and she was talking about how my kidneys are being really affected now and I was like "BUT LOOK HOW THIN I AM!"...all the while thinking this is normal behavior...anyway, now I'm being made to see Nephrology and Neurology and a Psych consultant.
And then my doctor was all weird with me about "treatment compliance".
I asked - mostly just joking/lighthearted - "Do you think I'm crazy :/?"
The nurse didn't say anything and my doctor said "...I think you're very sick"

I just realized that he basically told me "yes".

I dunno. Am I making sense? IDK what to think or do :/

Sorry if this comes across as a self-indulgent rant!

*Neurotypical people actually view themselves as better than they really are in all ways (smarter, more attractive etc...even if you think you have low self-esteem etc, generally you still view yourself as "better" than you are.

+While you have to have a BMI of less than 17.5 anorexia IS a MENTAL illness. Most anorectic people - especially if they are under 18 or still living with family - do not get thin enough to be visibly unwell to a stranger. For some reason, though, unless you are so skeletal you can barely walk, people will tell you that you don't LOOK anorexic.

 

[justme0]

I dont know about the other disorder...but I became insulin dependent some years ago myself. its been more than 10. dont make the mistake of thinking it won't get you. I was a semicontrolled diabetic for about 5 years and then I knew I wasn't feel so great...I would of been 26....not here to lecture but its no joke. ive been in dka so many times....

btw that is Diabetic KetoAcidosis please read into that if you haven't already. especially being here. drugs reduced eating and dehydration can send you into that in less that 12 hours if your not on top of yourself.

and btw you must not know diabetes at all yet. I fucking hate being diabetic. i have to watch what I eat because of carbs. I have to eat every 4-6 hours. I cannot go longer than 6 tops. my body feels weak after 4. I have to test my blood sugar at least 4 times a day because I've been out of wack and I dont feel great now. im not on dialysis or ever will be....but do yourself a favor. and love yourself and treat yourself right. eating cake and countering with insulin will leave you fucked up after awhile. the diabetes will help keep you from gaining meaningful weight. I dont feel like I could gain more muscle even though I'm not scrawny. weight melts off me except my stomach. there's my rant. gonna bookmark this page. we want to hear from you. ttyl

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

I dont know about the other disorder...but I became insulin dependent some years ago myself. its been more than 10. dont make the mistake of thinking it won't get you. I was a semicontrolled diabetic for about 5 years and then I knew I wasn't feel so great...I would of been 26....not here to lecture but its no joke. ive been in dka so many times....

btw that is Diabetic KetoAcidosis please read into that if you haven't already. especially being here. drugs reduced eating and dehydration can send you into that in less that 12 hours if your not on top of yourself.

and btw you must not know diabetes at all yet. I fucking hate being diabetic. i have to watch what I eat because of carbs. I have to eat every 4-6 hours. I cannot go longer than 6 tops. my body feels weak after 4. I have to test my blood sugar at least 4 times a day because I've been out of wack and I dont feel great now. im not on dialysis or ever will be....but do yourself a favor. and love yourself and treat yourself right. eating cake and countering with insulin will leave you fucked up after awhile. the diabetes will help keep you from gaining meaningful weight. I dont feel like I could gain more muscle even though I'm not scrawny. weight melts off me except my stomach. there's my rant. gonna bookmark this page. we want to hear from you. ttyl

Thanks for replying

I do have the urine test strips for ketones and they've always been low or negative so far. I'd probably hate the diabetes a lot more if I was actively controlling it. I suppose it's easier when you don't take insulin OR monitor what you eat since I don't have to (well, I DO, I just don't) count my carbs, check my blood sugars, take insulin or meds etc, which must be time-consuming and stressful.
I do hate that anything sugar can make me super-lethargic, though. And I already have awful nerve pain in both legs :/.

 

[justme0]

hey keep talking. im sorry you feel this way. I feel we should enjoy the life we can, if we can. blood sugar control is easier and cheaper than ever before. I was homeless without being a drug addict at first. I couldn't afford test stips for the first 5 years because we didn't have generic. and for the first year I didn't know insulin was over the counter. but now days I spend $9 for 50 test strips and $50 a month on my 2 insulin. believe me that diabetes is much easier when you properly control it by testing at least 4 time a day. carbs can be counted. 1unit of regular R type insulin will counter 8 grams of carbs. I read that somewhere before and it has proven true for me over the last ten years. ive had cigarettes save my life when I was homeless. someone I met told me his wife was a nurse and how cigarettes raised the blood sugar levels. well shortly after I found myself homeless and woke up at night with my BS at 45. I was pouring sweat and shaking like crazy....I chain smoked 4 cigarettes and my BD came up to 105. that was another god moment being told that. I didn't realize that until recently. sorry just sharing I have some experience with this. anyways checking your BS will help now and in the future. an example is im male and I have extreme premature ejection if my blood sugar is above about 220. the higher the worse...idk why it is but I've notice it since I've been on insulin...well you better believe that's a good reason for me to keep it under control now days since I have myself a great partner now..

lethargy doea come from eating carbs. 80 carbs will send you above 400...which makes me lethargic even with my tolerance. are you testing? please send me your dosage/times and eating regime...im no doctor but I would like to help. you will enjoy sweets less once you distance yourself for a starters....like I said I would like to help and I do know at least as much as a dietician...ttyl

 

[4meSM]

Thanks for replying

I do have the urine test strips for ketones and they've always been low or negative so far. I'd probably hate the diabetes a lot more if I was actively controlling it. I suppose it's easier when you don't take insulin OR monitor what you eat since I don't have to (well, I DO, I just don't) count my carbs, check my blood sugars, take insulin or meds etc, which must be time-consuming and stressful.
I do hate that anything sugar can make me super-lethargic, though. And I already have awful nerve pain in both legs :/.

Please take your insulin and the meds you're prescribed, this is very serious stuff... You're likely doing doing irreparable damage to your body by neglecting your condition in such a way :/
If you continue like this your quality of life will really go down the drain in as little as a couple of years, you'll miss the time when you "just" felt lethargic and expericed some nerve pain.

 

[justme0]

I agree. but the good news is that with proper blood sugar control you won't be lethargic or have nerve pain. I still don't have nerve pain myself and I haven't done myself right. but im mid 30s now and let me be honest. I dont plan for 50. ive done myself wrong and haven't had a good time along the way. dont be like me

 

[justme0]

oh btw to anyone who might read this....walmart has been my savior. as much as I hate them I can get my insulin for $25 cash instead of $90. only at Walmart as they have a exclusive deal. its still novolin but with relion stamped on. $9 for 50 test strips too there. been buying the whole time through them. literally the only reason I've been able to afford it

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

^yikes...

I try not to focus too much on myself. It's a good reprieve when I can be there for someone else. It also helps me be less paranoid. There is a time and place to be self-indulgent.

 

[Specified]

Not fucked up............Just NOT paranoid