-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
Update on opiate journey..........
- Thread starter jake99
- Start date
- Status
theartofwar
Bluelighter
^ Good call - remember how powerful bupe is brother.
Start as low as possible. Also, tramadol has a SSRI property - I've found low dose of bupe + 100-150mg of tramadol kept my spirits up (not the depression of not using) has been the best way to kick.
Took me 5 days last time I went this way and honestly, the hard part was temptation, but it was NOT physically bad AT all.
Best of luck Jake. You got this brother!
Start as low as possible. Also, tramadol has a SSRI property - I've found low dose of bupe + 100-150mg of tramadol kept my spirits up (not the depression of not using) has been the best way to kick.
Took me 5 days last time I went this way and honestly, the hard part was temptation, but it was NOT physically bad AT all.
Best of luck Jake. You got this brother!
^ Unless your semester is already over, this sounds like poor timing. I wouldn't suggest trying the transition to subs then short taper now, you have finals to worry about. Please do not take this the wrong way, but school is a 'profession' to perpetuate addiction. It sounds to me like you need to finish school and get a job that will ground you with real responsibility and time constraints.
I too am blown away by your admitted age. I can relate to this and truly believe that I stopped maturing when I started using. Very dependent on parents, financially irresponsible, untrustworthy etc. lol..
I shared my immediate advice to you already. I should stop here but I have to disagree with some above posts that suggest that you take your father to court to take control of your trust money. Lets be realistic, would you have paid your rent, insurance etc without your dad guiding those decisions? You should 1) Be grateful to have someone that still cares enough to look out for you like that. You could easily be homeless right now if not him ensuring that the money went towards putting a roof over your head. It's not like he is using the money for himself. 2) Drop the belief that you DESERVE the trust money. It was a gift with the intentions that you use it to build your life. How can one spend even a dollar of it on drugs and then believe that?
I just started frequenting this forum and notice a disturbing pattern with your posts. You've gotta put your pent up anxiety into actions babe. When you aren't doing this, distract yourself to use less and commit to your methadone/sub program. For example, give back to a community that helps you and other so much by providing supportive replies instead of starting a 'this is my problem du jour' thread
It feels good to help others and step outside of your own problems cause baby, we've all got em!
I too am blown away by your admitted age. I can relate to this and truly believe that I stopped maturing when I started using. Very dependent on parents, financially irresponsible, untrustworthy etc. lol..
I shared my immediate advice to you already. I should stop here but I have to disagree with some above posts that suggest that you take your father to court to take control of your trust money. Lets be realistic, would you have paid your rent, insurance etc without your dad guiding those decisions? You should 1) Be grateful to have someone that still cares enough to look out for you like that. You could easily be homeless right now if not him ensuring that the money went towards putting a roof over your head. It's not like he is using the money for himself. 2) Drop the belief that you DESERVE the trust money. It was a gift with the intentions that you use it to build your life. How can one spend even a dollar of it on drugs and then believe that?
I just started frequenting this forum and notice a disturbing pattern with your posts. You've gotta put your pent up anxiety into actions babe. When you aren't doing this, distract yourself to use less and commit to your methadone/sub program. For example, give back to a community that helps you and other so much by providing supportive replies instead of starting a 'this is my problem du jour' thread
It feels good to help others and step outside of your own problems cause baby, we've all got em!
Last edited:
stuckinaloop
Bluelighter
IMO getting off done is a good choice.
I dunno what your clinic was like, but at mind you had people fuckin dosing (and still not getting takehomes) that were comin in with a cane, blind, old I am talking 70 plus, people in wheelchairs/electric wheel chairs. Just goes to show shit cuffs you for life.
Keep the course you are doing, don't make any rash decisions. Wait till you graduate, and you can devote some time to making the switch to bupe.
Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about getting your dose down to 30mg for the switch. You could even stay at 55 until you graduate then make the switch if you want.
I switched over from 80 and it was fucking cake, I am not kidding I didn't even drip a bead of sweat and I was on that shit for a solid 8 months at 80mg.
What I did was
#1 worry a LOT, ask a lot of people for advice, get a lot of people tellin me I had to be at 30mg OR ELSE!
#2 Days 1-4 with no methadone I used heroin in it's place. A solid 3 bundles of dope out of Paterson (I say this becuase bags are smaller then Philly bags where you cop). Took my last dose of H about 10pm.
#3 after my last dose I waited 30 hours. This was the worst part but honestly, I wasn't even in unbearable withdrawals until the last few hours. I probably could have dosed at the 24 hour mark without a prob, but I wanted to have as close to 100% releif as possible. I am not going to sugar coat it, I did use some K during this 30 hours (which I am sure helped..becuase it would make my restless legs stop immediatly). But even without that, I don't think it made too much of a difference
#4 at the 30 hour mark, which was about 4AM, I took 4mg bupe under my tongue, feared PW's but started feeling releif almost instantly. After 30mins, I took another 4mg, then another 4mg after about another hour.
I stayed at 12mg for a few days and was down to 1mg in under 2 months and I literally did not have even an hour of sickness after starting the bupe. Going from 12mg to 1mg was a walk in the park. It was so nice not having to see the fucking DOCTOR and my counselor to fucking drop 5mg and shit.
I did use H a few times during 1.5-2month period but only a few..maybe 2-3 times.
I have been at 1-2mg bupe now for a while. I am still using occasionally. So I can't say it "worked" for me. What I can say is I am surprisingly more happy on bupe. I switched to done looking for a high or something subconciously I guess. It turns out I had more energy and happyness on bupe.
The freedom can be (and was for me) a bad thing. I started an IOP program now, i am still struggling with addiction but I am barely using compared to what I used to. Methadone, aside from costing me 50 a week (which is chicken feed compared to an illicit opiate addiction) did nothing but make me tired. late for work and shit, always looking fucked up, crashed a car, etc..
In contrast, it was easier to stay "clean" on done, but I don't see my self as a lifer. The time you spend on done is not allowing your brain to repair itself. It is still a full agonist, your addiction physically will likely even be worse than what it was with H if you stay on long term./ Thats why they make you hit 80mg slowly. To get you to a "blocking dose (if you can call it that" without risk of od/getting high.
#3 Day 5
I dunno what your clinic was like, but at mind you had people fuckin dosing (and still not getting takehomes) that were comin in with a cane, blind, old I am talking 70 plus, people in wheelchairs/electric wheel chairs. Just goes to show shit cuffs you for life.
Keep the course you are doing, don't make any rash decisions. Wait till you graduate, and you can devote some time to making the switch to bupe.
Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about getting your dose down to 30mg for the switch. You could even stay at 55 until you graduate then make the switch if you want.
I switched over from 80 and it was fucking cake, I am not kidding I didn't even drip a bead of sweat and I was on that shit for a solid 8 months at 80mg.
What I did was
#1 worry a LOT, ask a lot of people for advice, get a lot of people tellin me I had to be at 30mg OR ELSE!
#2 Days 1-4 with no methadone I used heroin in it's place. A solid 3 bundles of dope out of Paterson (I say this becuase bags are smaller then Philly bags where you cop). Took my last dose of H about 10pm.
#3 after my last dose I waited 30 hours. This was the worst part but honestly, I wasn't even in unbearable withdrawals until the last few hours. I probably could have dosed at the 24 hour mark without a prob, but I wanted to have as close to 100% releif as possible. I am not going to sugar coat it, I did use some K during this 30 hours (which I am sure helped..becuase it would make my restless legs stop immediatly). But even without that, I don't think it made too much of a difference
#4 at the 30 hour mark, which was about 4AM, I took 4mg bupe under my tongue, feared PW's but started feeling releif almost instantly. After 30mins, I took another 4mg, then another 4mg after about another hour.
I stayed at 12mg for a few days and was down to 1mg in under 2 months and I literally did not have even an hour of sickness after starting the bupe. Going from 12mg to 1mg was a walk in the park. It was so nice not having to see the fucking DOCTOR and my counselor to fucking drop 5mg and shit.
I did use H a few times during 1.5-2month period but only a few..maybe 2-3 times.
I have been at 1-2mg bupe now for a while. I am still using occasionally. So I can't say it "worked" for me. What I can say is I am surprisingly more happy on bupe. I switched to done looking for a high or something subconciously I guess. It turns out I had more energy and happyness on bupe.
The freedom can be (and was for me) a bad thing. I started an IOP program now, i am still struggling with addiction but I am barely using compared to what I used to. Methadone, aside from costing me 50 a week (which is chicken feed compared to an illicit opiate addiction) did nothing but make me tired. late for work and shit, always looking fucked up, crashed a car, etc..
In contrast, it was easier to stay "clean" on done, but I don't see my self as a lifer. The time you spend on done is not allowing your brain to repair itself. It is still a full agonist, your addiction physically will likely even be worse than what it was with H if you stay on long term./ Thats why they make you hit 80mg slowly. To get you to a "blocking dose (if you can call it that" without risk of od/getting high.
#3 Day 5
Well i got 5 Subs so im tryin to decide how to do this the best way . Tmrw i gotta dose my 55 mg so i can get my sunday take home.....................i thought maybe i would use that take home for sunday and monday (half each day) , then tuesday and wensday maybe do a few bags each day , then thursday start the subs ?????????????? what do ya think ? and then since i have 5 subs i could do it like half a sub for 10 days or wean it lower and lower each day ? not sure , only other thing i can do is not dose at the clinic monday or tuesday then when i go back wenesday my dose would be cut to half of 55............but if i make it thru mon and tues with no done, i may as well get ready to switch to the sub
Ummmmm ^^^^^^^^^^^I am not quite sure what you mean ........................I just want to get it over with and get off the clinic and get to the subs ASAP
i may save my take home tmrw, take my meth 55 mg sat and sun , then mon and tues do dope , then start the subs wensday and take a half a sub for 10 days (i have 5) then stop and get over this opiate crap
i may save my take home tmrw, take my meth 55 mg sat and sun , then mon and tues do dope , then start the subs wensday and take a half a sub for 10 days (i have 5) then stop and get over this opiate crap
ElectricCity
Greenlighter
you gonna taper off methadone with subs. then what..
what in the hell jake? haha I am confused!
what in the hell jake? haha I am confused!
ElectricCity
Greenlighter
you called it lollie!!
i only wanted to quote that jake cause I don't think you're thinking realistically. You think you can just get clean after all this time and even chippign while on methadone and not even able to stop benzos or changing ANY addict habits while on maintence programs... just by going from methadone (to dope... for more than 2 days I am sure.. I am not trying to sound accusatory, I know how *I* would be, is all) to a 5 day bupe detox and then you'll be good and done and opiate free?
This plan of yours is a headache and its a recipe for failure.
You're not changing any other variables in your life that will help you get clean- the removal of withdrawal wont happen perfect enough for you to avoid cravings in the future in my opinion. You need a long term plan and a way to change your attitude and environment to more suitable ones for a clean life! if that's what you truly want! we can't tell you what you really want... we are all still trying to figure out what you really want, I think....
i don't even think YOU know what you really want?
just be careful and safe jake... rootin for ya dude, just please think clearly if ya can!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
If you take half a sub (4mg) a day, for 10 days, and then abruptly stop.... I think you will go through some shitty WD's. I have been down to 1mg a day (of sub), and i wouldn't even jump off there.
If you are interested in a good taper plan for suboxone, i would suggest the "suboxone mega thread", its usualy at the top of the page in OD. or PM me and id give you my advice
this dumb plan will do nothing, just like all your other quick, "get it over with" sub detoxes youve tried in the past. if you think taking 5 subs right after a dope and methadone habit will magically cure you from withdrawals and opiate addiction, you're in for yet another rude awakening. do you plan on doing this same crap until your 40? 50? good luck, but your sub tapering plan hasnt worked too well for you in the past who knows how many times, and there's about a 0% chance it'll work this time as well...get real dude. 8)
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
PhrostByte
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2007
- Messages
- 240
I think someone needs to just lock jake in a room with nothing but food and water.
jake you are doin a few things wrong that are really hurtin you.
One--worrying WAY too much about the shit other folks think. It sounds like you really constantly seeking approval from anybody and everybody. That shit will fuck you over bad yo it turns you into a person who is so easy to influence.
Two--Always worryin about shit that dont matter , distracting urself from the shit that DO matter.
The miles on your car? Fuck them! The shit people in your NA might think? Fuck them! and so on.
I aint sayin that u should say fuck the world and not care about nothing. Im saying that you are worryin about the small stupid shit that dontmatter and not focusin onthe real shit that is important and will make a difference.
Likeplentyother folks inthis thread have said....THE METHADONE CLINIC did NOT put all those miles on your car. THE DOPE DID!! Dont blame the clinic!!
Its like you looking for excuses to get off the clinic, and in reality we all know that if you did that, you wouldnt detox on sub you would just end up back on dope .
Honestly right NOW i think you should be putting your dose UP , high enough that it blocks the dope. you are at a low enough dose that you can get high still. get that shit up higher and it will block any high and turn dope into a waste then maybe you will stop doin it cuz youll realize you dont feel jack shit when you use it.
That aint a permanent solution, and i dont think that being on a higher dose of done is just a magical fix. it aint gonna cure ur problems or any of the emotional issues you got with it. but it might hold you off for a lil while. it really seems like u are just lookin for every excuse you possibly can find not to go to the clinic jake.
Seriously yo, you gotta stop tryna like fool yourself into doin shit. you dont like it. we all know that.but instead of just bein straigh t up and bein like yo, i dont like it , i am looking for excuses becuz getting clean is uncomfortable to me, you are coming up with a million and one things to stop. Oh, the guys at NA are talking shit about it and makin me feel bad. Oh, i dont know how my dad would react if he knew, i dont want him to find out. Oh there too much miles on my car. And so on. You aint foolin none of us and it seems like you are fooling yourself for now--by distractin urself with all these bullshit reasons.
The miles that you are putting on your car now aint SHIT compared to the miles that you got from drivin to camden to cop everyday. The miles you are puttin on now, are from you doing a GOOD thing that is suppose to HELP you. Dont get it twisted. dont try to tell yourself its the clinics fault you are driving so much. its the fucking years you spent coppin dope on the daily and you know it yo.
When i was on the clinic do you know how far I had to drive every day? Drivin the speed limit and not rushing, it was an HOUR and 5 minutes. Every day, a hour there a hour back. You barely driving a half hour each way yo--that really aint shit. Think about it like this yo.
Most people that have jobs--they drive about a half hour to work each day. Its a fair estimate to say that most people who commute, drive 15-20 miles to their job. Lets say 15 as a low estimate, thats about a 15 minute trip if you take the highway at 60mph. wheni looked it up the average commute in the US was 26 minutes and 16 miles. So that really aint a crazy amount of time to be driving yo. 26 minutes one way to work vs 30 min one way for the clinic. you aint driving no more than the average commuter and probably less than lots of people in NJ.
I couldnt find exact stats for jersey. but i did do some research. alot of ppl in nj have higher commute distances becuz its common for folks to live in the suburbs and then drive to nyc for work. there is a whole lot of folks driving one hour or more just one way to work. It aint uncommon.
To put 25 thousand miles on your car in one year it equals to about 70 miles a day. Honestly while that is higher than people who work in the same town they live in and dont drive around much obviously, i dont think its that big of a deal for somebody livin in NJ becuz we all drive all the hell over in this state and its normal to put on alot of miles in a day. Some days when I just do errands that I need to take care of i put on over 100 miles on the car, without nothing drug related. Just drivin to the hospital for my prenatal visit then goin food shopping later in the day and then goin to see my man at night can put 100 miles on in a day easy. so 70 a day for you, I dont think its a crazy high number.
If you commute to work 30 miles each day thats 60 miles right there just work related then you add on trips to the food store running errands and going out on the weekend, goin on vacations, etc, and you get 25k easy. Its a pretty normal amount of mileage if you ask me. So dont stress yo. if it makes u feel better back when i was coppin dope all the time i had a car for less than 2 years and got it at 74000 and by the time i got a new car when i got in an accident, it had like 140k on it. Trust me lots of people have done worse car related shit than put 25k on in a year. dont stress it.
(edited out stupid math that was completely wrong)
anyways...
I think my point is pretty clear.... So ima wrap it up with the main ideasforyou just to make sure its 100%.
#1-- You have a totally completely normal amount of miles on your car. You actually put LESS mileage on your car in the past 2 yrs than you would have if you had been a guy commuting to work every day for that time period.
#2-- The huge majority of the miles on your car are from copping anyways NOT the clinic. Dont blame the clinic for this shit becuz you know damn well that it aint the few months of driving to the clinic that did that.
#3-- You are focusing on this trivial-ass shit that aint even actually a problem to distract yourself from facing the more important issues in your life.
#4-- You dont like the clinic and are constantly lookin for excuses to validate quitting it. In the past week we have heard you say that you wanna get off becuz your NA sponsor and friends are treating you bad becuz of it, that you dont want your dad to find out and if he did you would be upset, and that you feel guilty cuz of the miles on your car "from going to the clinic"even tho they didnt even COME from goin to the clinic in the first place.
These miles aint the real problem here yo. I got more to say but its kinda seperate from the point of this post here, and i dont want to make a long asspost that will be hard to read so ima break it up into 2 pieces.
One--worrying WAY too much about the shit other folks think. It sounds like you really constantly seeking approval from anybody and everybody. That shit will fuck you over bad yo it turns you into a person who is so easy to influence.
Two--Always worryin about shit that dont matter , distracting urself from the shit that DO matter.
The miles on your car? Fuck them! The shit people in your NA might think? Fuck them! and so on.
I aint sayin that u should say fuck the world and not care about nothing. Im saying that you are worryin about the small stupid shit that dontmatter and not focusin onthe real shit that is important and will make a difference.
Likeplentyother folks inthis thread have said....THE METHADONE CLINIC did NOT put all those miles on your car. THE DOPE DID!! Dont blame the clinic!!
Its like you looking for excuses to get off the clinic, and in reality we all know that if you did that, you wouldnt detox on sub you would just end up back on dope .
Honestly right NOW i think you should be putting your dose UP , high enough that it blocks the dope. you are at a low enough dose that you can get high still. get that shit up higher and it will block any high and turn dope into a waste then maybe you will stop doin it cuz youll realize you dont feel jack shit when you use it.
That aint a permanent solution, and i dont think that being on a higher dose of done is just a magical fix. it aint gonna cure ur problems or any of the emotional issues you got with it. but it might hold you off for a lil while. it really seems like u are just lookin for every excuse you possibly can find not to go to the clinic jake.
Seriously yo, you gotta stop tryna like fool yourself into doin shit. you dont like it. we all know that.but instead of just bein straigh t up and bein like yo, i dont like it , i am looking for excuses becuz getting clean is uncomfortable to me, you are coming up with a million and one things to stop. Oh, the guys at NA are talking shit about it and makin me feel bad. Oh, i dont know how my dad would react if he knew, i dont want him to find out. Oh there too much miles on my car. And so on. You aint foolin none of us and it seems like you are fooling yourself for now--by distractin urself with all these bullshit reasons.
The miles that you are putting on your car now aint SHIT compared to the miles that you got from drivin to camden to cop everyday. The miles you are puttin on now, are from you doing a GOOD thing that is suppose to HELP you. Dont get it twisted. dont try to tell yourself its the clinics fault you are driving so much. its the fucking years you spent coppin dope on the daily and you know it yo.
When i was on the clinic do you know how far I had to drive every day? Drivin the speed limit and not rushing, it was an HOUR and 5 minutes. Every day, a hour there a hour back. You barely driving a half hour each way yo--that really aint shit. Think about it like this yo.
Most people that have jobs--they drive about a half hour to work each day. Its a fair estimate to say that most people who commute, drive 15-20 miles to their job. Lets say 15 as a low estimate, thats about a 15 minute trip if you take the highway at 60mph. wheni looked it up the average commute in the US was 26 minutes and 16 miles. So that really aint a crazy amount of time to be driving yo. 26 minutes one way to work vs 30 min one way for the clinic. you aint driving no more than the average commuter and probably less than lots of people in NJ.
I couldnt find exact stats for jersey. but i did do some research. alot of ppl in nj have higher commute distances becuz its common for folks to live in the suburbs and then drive to nyc for work. there is a whole lot of folks driving one hour or more just one way to work. It aint uncommon.
To put 25 thousand miles on your car in one year it equals to about 70 miles a day. Honestly while that is higher than people who work in the same town they live in and dont drive around much obviously, i dont think its that big of a deal for somebody livin in NJ becuz we all drive all the hell over in this state and its normal to put on alot of miles in a day. Some days when I just do errands that I need to take care of i put on over 100 miles on the car, without nothing drug related. Just drivin to the hospital for my prenatal visit then goin food shopping later in the day and then goin to see my man at night can put 100 miles on in a day easy. so 70 a day for you, I dont think its a crazy high number.
If you commute to work 30 miles each day thats 60 miles right there just work related then you add on trips to the food store running errands and going out on the weekend, goin on vacations, etc, and you get 25k easy. Its a pretty normal amount of mileage if you ask me. So dont stress yo. if it makes u feel better back when i was coppin dope all the time i had a car for less than 2 years and got it at 74000 and by the time i got a new car when i got in an accident, it had like 140k on it. Trust me lots of people have done worse car related shit than put 25k on in a year. dont stress it.
(edited out stupid math that was completely wrong)
anyways...
I think my point is pretty clear.... So ima wrap it up with the main ideasforyou just to make sure its 100%.
#1-- You have a totally completely normal amount of miles on your car. You actually put LESS mileage on your car in the past 2 yrs than you would have if you had been a guy commuting to work every day for that time period.
#2-- The huge majority of the miles on your car are from copping anyways NOT the clinic. Dont blame the clinic for this shit becuz you know damn well that it aint the few months of driving to the clinic that did that.
#3-- You are focusing on this trivial-ass shit that aint even actually a problem to distract yourself from facing the more important issues in your life.
#4-- You dont like the clinic and are constantly lookin for excuses to validate quitting it. In the past week we have heard you say that you wanna get off becuz your NA sponsor and friends are treating you bad becuz of it, that you dont want your dad to find out and if he did you would be upset, and that you feel guilty cuz of the miles on your car "from going to the clinic"even tho they didnt even COME from goin to the clinic in the first place.
These miles aint the real problem here yo. I got more to say but its kinda seperate from the point of this post here, and i dont want to make a long asspost that will be hard to read so ima break it up into 2 pieces.
Last edited:
Straight up yo, it seems like lately you are full of excuses. I aint tryna be hard on you yo, but Im just bein real--you need to be straight up with yourself and with us if you expect us to be able to really help you. You are doin some super-mega-ultra rationalizing lately.
You are lookin for every reason to leave from the clinic. Coming up with every plan to get clean except the one you are ALREADY ON. Its the grass is always greener. You had no success on sub becuz u kept using dope. So you want to try methadone. But now you dont like that neither, and you want to go back on sub. Why do you think sub would work now, when it never worked for you before? You KNOW this shit yo. You are making it so you dont HAVE to get clean--you are blaming the methadone for your inability yo get clean instead of the fact that you aint puttin in the work thats necessary. You say "oh well if i was on sub i could get clean, but i cant get on sub yet" so you give yourself a pass to keep using.
If you really want to get clean you will make it work for you. For some people sub dont help and it takes methadone to get them committed to gettin clean. For some people methadone aint the number one solution and sub would work better. But honestly, I dont think you are one of the people who "methadone just dont work for." I think you just aint making the real honest effort to make it work for you.
I know that is a really really harsh thing to say yo. And i hesitate to say that shit. becuz i know how bad it hurts when you are trying and trying and people tell you "You aint even tryin!" Becuz you are and they dont see it and it makes you feel like shit. My purpose aint to make you feel like shit.
But from honestly watching and listening to the shit you been sayin for the past however long, it really genuinely appears to me that you are just "payin lip service" to the idea of gettin clean. You talk the talk but you aint walkin for shit. You say the right things about wanting to get clean. But where is the actions to back that up? You cant get clean just by talking and taking sub or methadone. YOU need to do WORK. the shit aint easy yo!
Im about to tell you some shit that maybe you dont really wanna hear. And its JUST MY OPINION. JUST MY OBSERVATION. I could be totally wrong yo. I dont want you to hear this and take it to heart. Becuz i know you are a person who is easily influenced by others opinions. I dont want you to hear this and say "wow laceys right. Im just a useless lazy piece of crap who cant do shit. I aint worth nothing. I ain even trying im so lame" and get on some suicidal shit or somethin. The reason I am sayin it is to hold up a mirror to you....A view that maybe you aint seeing of yourself. And maybe that view, that outside perspective can help you to realize a few things that you need to change. Please, please dont get upset by wat you read. You know that I been talkin to you for a long time tryin to help you so you know that it dont come from a bad place and that it aint coming from a negative person who wants to hurt you its from a person who wants to give you a reality check to help you, ight? Anways....
I really think that everytime you try to get clean you realize "Hey....wait a minute...This is uncomfortable! This sucks! This is HARD!" It seems like you aint too willing to face that and work thru it. The first sign of trouble, the first sign of struggle you bail. as soon as shit gets uncomfortable, as soon as it aint all smooth sailing, its like "fuck this..i cant do it." and then you go get high. And then you feel bad about it. And be like "i keep trying to get clean but i just cant do it!"
The reason that can see this pattern so clearly is becuz i recognize it becuz its how I used to be. When i "tried" to get clean before. I didnt really try all that much. I gave it a few honest shots, yea, but the majority of them was just fake attempts. I didnt put my back into it, u feel me? My heart wasn in it. It was just some halfass shit.
I wanted to get clean, but if it was gonna be hard? If i had to WORK? Forget about it. I didnt wanna get clean THAT bad. I didnt wanna get clean bad enough to actually SACRIFICE anything or SUFFER. I only wanted it if it was easy.
Jake, if you go out there....And you give it your BEST FUCKIN SHOT...from your HEART...from your SOUL, from the very bottom of your being....And you really really try...you struggle, you suffer, you FIGHT....and then you end up messing up and relapsing--Thats one thing. Thats OK. That happens.
But when you aint even really trying? When you are just bein halfass about it....not actually making any real effort towards gettin clean but just taking meth or sub and then as soon as you get some money in your hand you be like "oh well now i got money i HAVE to get high i cant help it"....That dont quite count. And when you say i tried but i just cant do it! It aint accurate. Becuz if your "trying" is just passively sittin around waiting for the next urge to hit you and then going with it and coppin some dope, you aint trying. If you honestly try and fail thats one thing. But to "fake-try"and then be like oh, well, i just cant do it...thats a cop out yo.
People who are boxers or gymnasts or wtfever...they dont just go out there and naturally be able to do it. They bust their asses. they sweat and work hard as fuck to get to the point that they got the skills to do it. If they just signed up one day like "i wanna be a champion MMA fighter"but as soon as they realized they had to do 500 push ups every morning they said Oh fuck that..They would never be shit. They would never reach their goal. Its the same thing with gettin clean.
I know that when you got money in your pocket and your boy calls you up like ""yo i got some fire i can bring it over to you in a half hour if you wanna buy some", that to say "no" to that offer is INCREDIBLY hard! To say no would make you feel like ÄAHH FUCK! how could i turn that down!?!
But guess wat? THATS HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU GET CLEAN AND FIRST START TO TURN DOWN CHANCES TO GET HIGH....
It aint gonna be EASY...YOu cant expect some kind of super-calm rational inner self full of peace and contentedness to just take over and make you say "No thanks", and then feel totally OK about it. You are gonna feel like SHIT! Your brain will be like "No dumbass! Why did you say that!? WTF? We coulda just got a bundle for 10 bucks off of some fire DELIVERED to the house! the fucks a matter with you!?!" And you gonna have to DEAL with that!
You gotta understand yo. Gettin clean it dont happen by itself. and it dont count as trying but not being able to if you really dont honestly try in the first place. you CAN get clean if you truly try but you aint been giving it your all lately have you. If everytime somebody asks you if you wanna buy some dope you just say yes....that aint exactly making the effort thats required to get clean.
You gotta be willing to deal with the discomfort, the mental un balance, all this unpleasant, difficult stressful shit that comes along with it. If you turn back and retreat back into your warm cozy dope blanket everytime you get a chance to make a decision that will either help you get clean or not you aint never gonna get no damn where. You cant just be passive and expect shit around you to just mold into the way that you want it to be. You dont just decide to get clean and then it just happens. Its the opposite of a passive thing, you need to be assertive and make decisions and DO somethin. Sometimes it seems like you give up before you even get a challenge. A situation comes up where you could use and instead of tryna fight it, and really bein like yo, fuck that, i aint gonna use! instead you just like, resigned yourself to the sad fact that you cant help yourself, that its outta your control, and you do it, and then you feel bad about it and get all down on yourself like ''awww i cant get clean why cant i get clean im trying but i just cant do it?''
You CAN do it jake you really CAN...But you gotta seize that power and DO IT, you cant just sit there gettin down about how you cant. You got the choice--you need to exercise that choice, and MAKE the choice, stop letting the choices just HAPPEN....
we all fail and fall down and relapse and shit like that. But it seems like you are doing a Catholic type thing with your use. You know , sin sin sin and feel guilty so you just go to confession and get absolved of it do some penance and then you free to go out and sin to your hearts content some more. and as long as you go to confession and do your penance afterwards, its all good. It kinda seems like thats your situation here with using.
You cant just keep it up with the back and forth shit yo. Commit to something. Either the clinic, and actually put in the work, and really TRY, from the bottom of your heart, truly really make a serious effort instead of just dosing once a day and leavin it at that. The other choice is a terrible one that I wouldnt recommend which is to commit to bein a dopehead again. I hope you dont choose that one. But you gotta pick one or the other yo, the wishy washy shit aint gonna get you nowhere.
You are using being on the clinic as the thing to rationalize your use. "yea i got high but im on the clinic! Im TRYING!" But are you? In your heart...Can you look deep inside yourself , in a place where there is only truth and no lies, and after examining your conscience and your true feelings, can you honestly, geniunely say that you ARE trying YOUR BEST to get clean?
It seems like in your heart you aint truly ready to get clean and thats preventing you from puttin your all into gettin there. You are holdin back. Until you have that change, deep within, until you really WANT to get clean--the same way that right now you WANT to get high--until you CRAVE getting clean with the desire you used to have for dope--you aint gonna make that move.
If you aint got that, you cant force it....But I think you got the spark there. I think you got a feeling that says you really do wanna put all this behind you. But you are half assin it becuz you still want to use, and from the shit you been tellin us here, it seems like you aint really doing a whole hell of a lot to stop yourself from doing that.
Like i said before. If i am wrong. If you really feel that you ARE trying as best as you can. If you can say to yourself, after deeply deeply examining your deepest most secret thoughts about this and your truest honest feelings, that you are doing your best, that you could not possibly do nothing more--then i am wrong.
But Im thinkin that maybe you aint givin it everything you got...That you are puttin out a lil bit of effort but not enough to make shit change. Just enough to feel like you are trying and say you are trying and that way when you end up using you can tell yourself "well im trying"....But i think you got more in you. I think that you could find this strenth inside yourself and really make shit happen. I really think you can do it but you GOT to stop lyin to yourself yo. WIth all the excuses and rationalizing and all that mess. Right now you are just dwellin in this pool of guilt. not movin forward not movin backwards just kinda stagnating in this puddle of feelin bad about yourself for gettin high and not havin success at gettin clean....But I dont think you are a failure. I dont think its fair to say that you try and try and just cant do it. I think that you can do it. You just need to bring the trying up to another level, a REAL level, a action level instead of a talking about it level.
Next time you get a chance to get dope, why not say no? You DO have the choice yo. You aint gotta just sit back and let your old habits take over. It will feel weird and shitty. But deal with it. Just try it , once. Just one time say no. See wat happens. See how you feel. And see how you feel the next day when you be like "hey...i coulda got high last night...but i didnt!" And how good it makes you feel , and how you start to feel like maybe you do have a lil bit of control, and maybe you can set your own course and not just let the direction of the wind push you aroudn where ever it takes you.
You gotta start somewhere yo, if its small, let it be small. Thats fine. You cant do it all in a day or a week or a month. Forget all your plan about sub detox and all that bull--you know thats just another excuse, just another diversion, another distraction to keep you from focusing on the shit you need to do RIGHT NOW.
Take your methadone like you are suppose to, and decide that today is the day you are gonna put up a fight. That you aint gonna just sit back passively and let some dope land in your lap and end up feelin guilty about it. Take a stand yo, DO somethin about it, its up to you, you do have the choice you know, so use it. The only way you are gonna start feelin better about yourself, and get out of this funk you are in is to step out the pile of bullshit and make somethin happen cuz lord knows it aint gonna happen by itself. Step out of your passive-ass "go with the flow"shoes and put on your "Im in charge and I make the rules around here" boots and get used to your new role as the decider. You gotta reach out and grab this shit yo, dont wait for it to come to you cuz it aint never gonna come unless you make it. stop sittin and lettin life pass you by yo, you gotta get movin and stand up for yourself, its your life and you only get one so stop letting your old habits and your old life trample all over you , take a stand and stick up for your future.
You are lookin for every reason to leave from the clinic. Coming up with every plan to get clean except the one you are ALREADY ON. Its the grass is always greener. You had no success on sub becuz u kept using dope. So you want to try methadone. But now you dont like that neither, and you want to go back on sub. Why do you think sub would work now, when it never worked for you before? You KNOW this shit yo. You are making it so you dont HAVE to get clean--you are blaming the methadone for your inability yo get clean instead of the fact that you aint puttin in the work thats necessary. You say "oh well if i was on sub i could get clean, but i cant get on sub yet" so you give yourself a pass to keep using.
If you really want to get clean you will make it work for you. For some people sub dont help and it takes methadone to get them committed to gettin clean. For some people methadone aint the number one solution and sub would work better. But honestly, I dont think you are one of the people who "methadone just dont work for." I think you just aint making the real honest effort to make it work for you.
I know that is a really really harsh thing to say yo. And i hesitate to say that shit. becuz i know how bad it hurts when you are trying and trying and people tell you "You aint even tryin!" Becuz you are and they dont see it and it makes you feel like shit. My purpose aint to make you feel like shit.
But from honestly watching and listening to the shit you been sayin for the past however long, it really genuinely appears to me that you are just "payin lip service" to the idea of gettin clean. You talk the talk but you aint walkin for shit. You say the right things about wanting to get clean. But where is the actions to back that up? You cant get clean just by talking and taking sub or methadone. YOU need to do WORK. the shit aint easy yo!
Im about to tell you some shit that maybe you dont really wanna hear. And its JUST MY OPINION. JUST MY OBSERVATION. I could be totally wrong yo. I dont want you to hear this and take it to heart. Becuz i know you are a person who is easily influenced by others opinions. I dont want you to hear this and say "wow laceys right. Im just a useless lazy piece of crap who cant do shit. I aint worth nothing. I ain even trying im so lame" and get on some suicidal shit or somethin. The reason I am sayin it is to hold up a mirror to you....A view that maybe you aint seeing of yourself. And maybe that view, that outside perspective can help you to realize a few things that you need to change. Please, please dont get upset by wat you read. You know that I been talkin to you for a long time tryin to help you so you know that it dont come from a bad place and that it aint coming from a negative person who wants to hurt you its from a person who wants to give you a reality check to help you, ight? Anways....
I really think that everytime you try to get clean you realize "Hey....wait a minute...This is uncomfortable! This sucks! This is HARD!" It seems like you aint too willing to face that and work thru it. The first sign of trouble, the first sign of struggle you bail. as soon as shit gets uncomfortable, as soon as it aint all smooth sailing, its like "fuck this..i cant do it." and then you go get high. And then you feel bad about it. And be like "i keep trying to get clean but i just cant do it!"
The reason that can see this pattern so clearly is becuz i recognize it becuz its how I used to be. When i "tried" to get clean before. I didnt really try all that much. I gave it a few honest shots, yea, but the majority of them was just fake attempts. I didnt put my back into it, u feel me? My heart wasn in it. It was just some halfass shit.
I wanted to get clean, but if it was gonna be hard? If i had to WORK? Forget about it. I didnt wanna get clean THAT bad. I didnt wanna get clean bad enough to actually SACRIFICE anything or SUFFER. I only wanted it if it was easy.
Jake, if you go out there....And you give it your BEST FUCKIN SHOT...from your HEART...from your SOUL, from the very bottom of your being....And you really really try...you struggle, you suffer, you FIGHT....and then you end up messing up and relapsing--Thats one thing. Thats OK. That happens.
But when you aint even really trying? When you are just bein halfass about it....not actually making any real effort towards gettin clean but just taking meth or sub and then as soon as you get some money in your hand you be like "oh well now i got money i HAVE to get high i cant help it"....That dont quite count. And when you say i tried but i just cant do it! It aint accurate. Becuz if your "trying" is just passively sittin around waiting for the next urge to hit you and then going with it and coppin some dope, you aint trying. If you honestly try and fail thats one thing. But to "fake-try"and then be like oh, well, i just cant do it...thats a cop out yo.
People who are boxers or gymnasts or wtfever...they dont just go out there and naturally be able to do it. They bust their asses. they sweat and work hard as fuck to get to the point that they got the skills to do it. If they just signed up one day like "i wanna be a champion MMA fighter"but as soon as they realized they had to do 500 push ups every morning they said Oh fuck that..They would never be shit. They would never reach their goal. Its the same thing with gettin clean.
I know that when you got money in your pocket and your boy calls you up like ""yo i got some fire i can bring it over to you in a half hour if you wanna buy some", that to say "no" to that offer is INCREDIBLY hard! To say no would make you feel like ÄAHH FUCK! how could i turn that down!?!
But guess wat? THATS HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU GET CLEAN AND FIRST START TO TURN DOWN CHANCES TO GET HIGH....
It aint gonna be EASY...YOu cant expect some kind of super-calm rational inner self full of peace and contentedness to just take over and make you say "No thanks", and then feel totally OK about it. You are gonna feel like SHIT! Your brain will be like "No dumbass! Why did you say that!? WTF? We coulda just got a bundle for 10 bucks off of some fire DELIVERED to the house! the fucks a matter with you!?!" And you gonna have to DEAL with that!
You gotta understand yo. Gettin clean it dont happen by itself. and it dont count as trying but not being able to if you really dont honestly try in the first place. you CAN get clean if you truly try but you aint been giving it your all lately have you. If everytime somebody asks you if you wanna buy some dope you just say yes....that aint exactly making the effort thats required to get clean.
You gotta be willing to deal with the discomfort, the mental un balance, all this unpleasant, difficult stressful shit that comes along with it. If you turn back and retreat back into your warm cozy dope blanket everytime you get a chance to make a decision that will either help you get clean or not you aint never gonna get no damn where. You cant just be passive and expect shit around you to just mold into the way that you want it to be. You dont just decide to get clean and then it just happens. Its the opposite of a passive thing, you need to be assertive and make decisions and DO somethin. Sometimes it seems like you give up before you even get a challenge. A situation comes up where you could use and instead of tryna fight it, and really bein like yo, fuck that, i aint gonna use! instead you just like, resigned yourself to the sad fact that you cant help yourself, that its outta your control, and you do it, and then you feel bad about it and get all down on yourself like ''awww i cant get clean why cant i get clean im trying but i just cant do it?''
You CAN do it jake you really CAN...But you gotta seize that power and DO IT, you cant just sit there gettin down about how you cant. You got the choice--you need to exercise that choice, and MAKE the choice, stop letting the choices just HAPPEN....
we all fail and fall down and relapse and shit like that. But it seems like you are doing a Catholic type thing with your use. You know , sin sin sin and feel guilty so you just go to confession and get absolved of it do some penance and then you free to go out and sin to your hearts content some more. and as long as you go to confession and do your penance afterwards, its all good. It kinda seems like thats your situation here with using.
You cant just keep it up with the back and forth shit yo. Commit to something. Either the clinic, and actually put in the work, and really TRY, from the bottom of your heart, truly really make a serious effort instead of just dosing once a day and leavin it at that. The other choice is a terrible one that I wouldnt recommend which is to commit to bein a dopehead again. I hope you dont choose that one. But you gotta pick one or the other yo, the wishy washy shit aint gonna get you nowhere.
You are using being on the clinic as the thing to rationalize your use. "yea i got high but im on the clinic! Im TRYING!" But are you? In your heart...Can you look deep inside yourself , in a place where there is only truth and no lies, and after examining your conscience and your true feelings, can you honestly, geniunely say that you ARE trying YOUR BEST to get clean?
It seems like in your heart you aint truly ready to get clean and thats preventing you from puttin your all into gettin there. You are holdin back. Until you have that change, deep within, until you really WANT to get clean--the same way that right now you WANT to get high--until you CRAVE getting clean with the desire you used to have for dope--you aint gonna make that move.
If you aint got that, you cant force it....But I think you got the spark there. I think you got a feeling that says you really do wanna put all this behind you. But you are half assin it becuz you still want to use, and from the shit you been tellin us here, it seems like you aint really doing a whole hell of a lot to stop yourself from doing that.
Like i said before. If i am wrong. If you really feel that you ARE trying as best as you can. If you can say to yourself, after deeply deeply examining your deepest most secret thoughts about this and your truest honest feelings, that you are doing your best, that you could not possibly do nothing more--then i am wrong.
But Im thinkin that maybe you aint givin it everything you got...That you are puttin out a lil bit of effort but not enough to make shit change. Just enough to feel like you are trying and say you are trying and that way when you end up using you can tell yourself "well im trying"....But i think you got more in you. I think that you could find this strenth inside yourself and really make shit happen. I really think you can do it but you GOT to stop lyin to yourself yo. WIth all the excuses and rationalizing and all that mess. Right now you are just dwellin in this pool of guilt. not movin forward not movin backwards just kinda stagnating in this puddle of feelin bad about yourself for gettin high and not havin success at gettin clean....But I dont think you are a failure. I dont think its fair to say that you try and try and just cant do it. I think that you can do it. You just need to bring the trying up to another level, a REAL level, a action level instead of a talking about it level.
Next time you get a chance to get dope, why not say no? You DO have the choice yo. You aint gotta just sit back and let your old habits take over. It will feel weird and shitty. But deal with it. Just try it , once. Just one time say no. See wat happens. See how you feel. And see how you feel the next day when you be like "hey...i coulda got high last night...but i didnt!" And how good it makes you feel , and how you start to feel like maybe you do have a lil bit of control, and maybe you can set your own course and not just let the direction of the wind push you aroudn where ever it takes you.
You gotta start somewhere yo, if its small, let it be small. Thats fine. You cant do it all in a day or a week or a month. Forget all your plan about sub detox and all that bull--you know thats just another excuse, just another diversion, another distraction to keep you from focusing on the shit you need to do RIGHT NOW.
Take your methadone like you are suppose to, and decide that today is the day you are gonna put up a fight. That you aint gonna just sit back passively and let some dope land in your lap and end up feelin guilty about it. Take a stand yo, DO somethin about it, its up to you, you do have the choice you know, so use it. The only way you are gonna start feelin better about yourself, and get out of this funk you are in is to step out the pile of bullshit and make somethin happen cuz lord knows it aint gonna happen by itself. Step out of your passive-ass "go with the flow"shoes and put on your "Im in charge and I make the rules around here" boots and get used to your new role as the decider. You gotta reach out and grab this shit yo, dont wait for it to come to you cuz it aint never gonna come unless you make it. stop sittin and lettin life pass you by yo, you gotta get movin and stand up for yourself, its your life and you only get one so stop letting your old habits and your old life trample all over you , take a stand and stick up for your future.
nervousone
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 2, 2009
- Messages
- 414
you sure about that?
Yea, totally--If you do like my dumbass did and instead of multiplying the 600 miles a month by 12, you multiply it by 52 weeks. Thanks for pointin that out yo, that was a really stupid mistake to make. At first i was like "Yea of course its right !"but then i looked back and realized that for some dumb ass reason i did 600x52 and 1200x52 instead of x12 like it shoulda been . Wow thats WTF i get for doin math when i just wake up in the mornin. shame on me for fuckin up a math problem at a 3rd grade level.
Ima edit that now tho , good catch.
Thanks for pointin that out yo, that was a really stupid mistake to make. At first i was like "Yea of course its right !"but then i looked back and realized that for some dumb ass reason i did 600x52 and 1200x52 instead of x12 like it shoulda been . Wow thats WTF i get for doin math when i just wake up in the mornin. shame on me for fuckin up a math problem at a 3rd grade level. Ima edit that now tho , good catch.
lacey ready your first post and now i wish i hadnt wasted 50 buks on those 5 subs......................now i only got 60 buks left for next 6 days...............but i did do my regular 55 mg dose today and didnt do any dope and plann on same tmrw with my take home............but now i also got a coke problem . something i never liked til now............and of course the benzos which im prescribed but i also buy extra (and not even allowed at clinic) now they put temp strips on the urines because so many ppl were givin fake ones................anyway part of me just hates goin to the clinic because im scared to end up like ppl that have been on and off that stuff for years..............anyway lacey ill ready your 2nd post later. gonna see how this mtg is down the street. who knows maybe ill find God lol
- Status