BlueberryfishY
Bluelighter
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Update on opiate journey..........
- Thread starter jake99
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thanks guys that makes me feel a little better . what sucks is i cant come clean with my parents. 2 yrs ago when i got outta prison my father helped me use the money my grandfather left to get back on my feet , go back to school , get the car, place to live , etc..............him and my stepmom didnt find out i had relapsed until june when i saw them one day and i had been up partying all night before and looked crappy. they didnt know what i was using but since then , 5 months ago , they have barely talked to me............I told them then that my problem was with xanax so if they were that mad because of that imagine how theyd be if i told them the whole story , i prob would be cut off for good for YEARS...........For last 2 years my dad has let me use the trust fund to pay everything (rent , car insurance, health insurance, spending money ,etc) Ive had bunch of jobs but havent kept any more than a few months........So even though im about to get a college degree and he doesnt know about the clinic or anything, he has decided that come january i only get 1000 buks a month (my rent is 600) and outta that 1000 he is taking my health insurance money plus car insurance (300 PLUS 150 leaving about 500 which wouldnt even leave me enough to pay rent) luckily i am gettin unemployment which i didnt even tell him(i wasnt even invited for thanksgiving so i dont feel like i have to tell him much) so with the 1000 from him plus the 600 from un employment i can just afford to get by but the unemployment is only supposed to be for couple months......so i gotta find a job soon. (went to culinary school but have lost numerous kitchen jobs, isnt industtry for me) So anyway i am either going to stay on the clinic and wean my dose down best i can (gotten down to 55 mg so far) or when school semester ends go away and detox (if i could find a place , my insurance only covers 70 percent so rehabs are still real expensive) prob is i did ok first month or so on clinic but now that i started gettin those checks ive been gettin high again and a mess .............so i feel like i have to live this secret life and although i love gettin high i hate the guilt and fear. i just dont wanna end up back in prison again or worse ( did almost 2 yrs already due to dope)
theartofwar
Bluelighter
I genuinely feel for you - but I will say this - same with my problems it's all in your own two hands at this point bro. Being afraid of losing it all , well that's one of the few things that still rings clear to me to keep pushing forward to live clean. Be grateful you are going to have a degree , also you have your background in culinary arts. Frankly w/out a personal training license I'll be worth dick and I spent 2 1/2 years in school, thousands of dollars and countless hours. It's tough but it's worse if you let it eat you up , you gotta be strong and make yourself do what is right for YOU. Keep your head up jake you got it in you bro.
ZomfgGerbil
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2010
- Messages
- 74
I'm happy you are doing something about your drug use. Most people don't get their lives together after a long time using, especially with a drug like that. I'm sure your family is proud of you for getting back on your feet after prison. As long as you maintain everything, you shouldn't feel bad at all. After everything is done and over with, and you have kicked your addiction, you should come clean to your family. If anything, it should prove to them that you are a strong enough person to realize your mistakes and fix them on your own. You can't let it eat you up inside though. Think more about the fact that you are trying to better your life rather than what you have done. Look toward the future as well; learn from your mistakes.
Lolie
Bluelighter
You're thinking ass backwards again Jake. That thousand dollars a month is basically a free gift which will top up any money you earn for yourself. At almost thirty, there is no reason to expect anyone or anything except for yourself to provide for your living expenses - the responsibility for supporting you rests with you alone.
That extra thousand dollars will allow you to live much better on a shitty minimum wage job than you would otherwise be able to do and yet you seem resentful that it's not enough to cover all of your expenses. In some of your older posts your major reason for fearing your family finding out that you're using seems to be them cutting off that money. It's as though the future you envisage for yourself doesn't entail being financially independent.
You don't really talk much about assuming adult responsibilities at all - and that's really concerning because if you don't take charge of your life now, there's a good chance you'll be living the same life at 39 as you are at 29 and be just as unhappy with it.
That extra thousand dollars will allow you to live much better on a shitty minimum wage job than you would otherwise be able to do and yet you seem resentful that it's not enough to cover all of your expenses. In some of your older posts your major reason for fearing your family finding out that you're using seems to be them cutting off that money. It's as though the future you envisage for yourself doesn't entail being financially independent.
You don't really talk much about assuming adult responsibilities at all - and that's really concerning because if you don't take charge of your life now, there's a good chance you'll be living the same life at 39 as you are at 29 and be just as unhappy with it.
I hear ya . I know im f'd up in the head and my addiction has me again , and it sucks............I keep lookin for a way out and i feel really trapped. I dont mean to frustrate anyone , i just try to be honest and say what im thinkin even if its b.s. and i know it , its what im thinking so i figure screw it , this is a place i can be honest............So as bad as i wanna be clean and wish i could go back to b4 the opiates had ahold on me i cant and i gotta figure out what is gonnna happen now and stop worrying about what is already done.............
To BO: i dont think you understand what my dad and stepmom are like and where they are at with this situation
(If his parents ever cut him off he'd likely just tell them he was getting high and I see them taking him to detox. He'd get a job, then start getting high again. Jake you say you are depressed not getting high?)
No if my parents cut me off , which my dad is cutting off most of the money i have been getting starting in January, I would not tell them i am gettin high . Last june they saw me and knew something was up and ever since then i have barely talked to them and not seen them at all. I was not even invited for thanksgiving and this was all because 5 months ago i told them my problem was with benzos. they never knew about the dope , and if they did find out id prob be not talked to for VERY VERY long time................So things with my parents are bad enough , that is why i have not told them about bein on the clinic or that i still am not able to get clean. I hate lying but i want things with them to get better, and only way is to not tell them what i dont have to and hopefully get clean however i have to and be able to get a job and let time pass and have them see im doin the right thing...................Anyway i realize my thread is like a blog and i never was trying to make it that but BL and TDS is one place i feel i can come to and share all this stuff when i have no where else to be totally honest with it (n..a. is not the place lol !) maybe it is but not the meetings i go to .....................So basically ive been thru so much over last 10 years or so (2 prison bids 4 rehabs etc etc etc...............that i probably am doin right things bein on meth clinic and instead my addiction is tellin me stupid stuff like "Oh you are puttin miles on your car and you already put on 50 000 in 2 yrs, u need to get off clinic " thats stupid , f the car, id rather put mad miles on the car then end up back in prison because i caught another dope charge , already have 2 , dont think a judge would like nicely on a third
To BO: i dont think you understand what my dad and stepmom are like and where they are at with this situation
(If his parents ever cut him off he'd likely just tell them he was getting high and I see them taking him to detox. He'd get a job, then start getting high again. Jake you say you are depressed not getting high?)
No if my parents cut me off , which my dad is cutting off most of the money i have been getting starting in January, I would not tell them i am gettin high . Last june they saw me and knew something was up and ever since then i have barely talked to them and not seen them at all. I was not even invited for thanksgiving and this was all because 5 months ago i told them my problem was with benzos. they never knew about the dope , and if they did find out id prob be not talked to for VERY VERY long time................So things with my parents are bad enough , that is why i have not told them about bein on the clinic or that i still am not able to get clean. I hate lying but i want things with them to get better, and only way is to not tell them what i dont have to and hopefully get clean however i have to and be able to get a job and let time pass and have them see im doin the right thing...................Anyway i realize my thread is like a blog and i never was trying to make it that but BL and TDS is one place i feel i can come to and share all this stuff when i have no where else to be totally honest with it (n..a. is not the place lol !) maybe it is but not the meetings i go to .....................So basically ive been thru so much over last 10 years or so (2 prison bids 4 rehabs etc etc etc...............that i probably am doin right things bein on meth clinic and instead my addiction is tellin me stupid stuff like "Oh you are puttin miles on your car and you already put on 50 000 in 2 yrs, u need to get off clinic " thats stupid , f the car, id rather put mad miles on the car then end up back in prison because i caught another dope charge , already have 2 , dont think a judge would like nicely on a third
That money was left to ME , it just suks that my grandfather left my dad as the trustee so he holds the power over me..........................So dont tell me i dont deserve that money , i see your point and id love to be able to support myself, but I cant find a job anywhere right now , even after ive finished over 2 yrs of college
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
keep trying, jake. The economy is shitty and its an employer's market right now. As much issue as I have with my own dad, he has had a couple of good things that he's said. He told me that if I'm unemployed, I should make finding work my full time job. This means continuously modifying your resume and cover letter for each job you apply for, finding job fairs, seeking out groups that meet in the industry you are qualified for and networking with folks. The more stuff you do, the more stuff is revealed through your own creativity to find other means to find work
It sucks but you may need to humble yourself and take a job anywhere you can (even if it is well below your qualifications). I did this recently and my pride wasn't hurt for long and it actually feels good to be doing SOMETHING even if it doesn't pay well.
Try and keep your focus on only a couple of important matters in your life as opposed to many trivial distractions and self-imposed mind-fucks. After you start picking away at the important stuff a momentum should build and before ya know it you will have plowed through a bunch of obstacles that previously seemed impossible to conquer. It takes time but doesn't everything?
It sucks but you may need to humble yourself and take a job anywhere you can (even if it is well below your qualifications). I did this recently and my pride wasn't hurt for long and it actually feels good to be doing SOMETHING even if it doesn't pay well.
Try and keep your focus on only a couple of important matters in your life as opposed to many trivial distractions and self-imposed mind-fucks. After you start picking away at the important stuff a momentum should build and before ya know it you will have plowed through a bunch of obstacles that previously seemed impossible to conquer. It takes time but doesn't everything?
adicabrady
Bluelighter
Jake,I wish when my parents died someone else controlled my money.My parents both died in 1983 and I spent 110 thousand in eight months.I spent 6 thousand on a car and the rest on dope and crack.Remember in 1983,110 thousand was worth a lot more then it is now.
I live on 800 dollars a month now,disability payments.I'll remind you again I'm in my fifties and on suboxone.I never had the magic urge to be totally clean.It really does not magically go away.The urge is always there.
Keep playing games and welcome to your future.
Lacey,the only thing I can think of that was different about the 70's and 80's was the bags didn't have stamps.They had different color tape.Red was usually the best.
Thinking of cars,I had a 1968 Camaro.My first car,I had it 13 years and had just had the body work done.It was stolen in the Bronx when I was copping.I thought that would kill me.I loved that car.
I live on 800 dollars a month now,disability payments.I'll remind you again I'm in my fifties and on suboxone.I never had the magic urge to be totally clean.It really does not magically go away.The urge is always there.
Keep playing games and welcome to your future.
Lacey,the only thing I can think of that was different about the 70's and 80's was the bags didn't have stamps.They had different color tape.Red was usually the best.
Thinking of cars,I had a 1968 Camaro.My first car,I had it 13 years and had just had the body work done.It was stolen in the Bronx when I was copping.I thought that would kill me.I loved that car.
Help me please
Bluelighter
Jake, all honestly here but I really assumed you were about 20 at most. Sweetie, you are way too worried about what mom and dad think! Your dad may be able to control your trust fund now but I doubt he could blow it and suspect you are getting something out of the annuity aren't you?
The car is not a lease so mileage doesn't matter! Most people do about 15K a year driving and some like me only do 3 or 4K. You are 29 so you are an adult dude! Drive as much as you want. Get off the methadone ASAP, finish the degree, move out!!! Get a job and a good woman. Start your life cause you've missed a lot of adulthood already.
Oh and see someone about the self esteem issues that cause you to worry about what your parents think. My kids are all about your age and a bit older and I would not want them to feel like they had to do shit to make me happy. They need to make themselves and their familes happy. Kids are amusement
Sorry...had to say that!
The car is not a lease so mileage doesn't matter! Most people do about 15K a year driving and some like me only do 3 or 4K. You are 29 so you are an adult dude! Drive as much as you want. Get off the methadone ASAP, finish the degree, move out!!! Get a job and a good woman. Start your life cause you've missed a lot of adulthood already.
Oh and see someone about the self esteem issues that cause you to worry about what your parents think. My kids are all about your age and a bit older and I would not want them to feel like they had to do shit to make me happy. They need to make themselves and their familes happy. Kids are amusement
Sorry...had to say that!
Help me please
Bluelighter
No one can cut off that money! His father is full if it. He is set up to get X dollars a month and his father is just in charge of how that money is invested. Jake also has a right to get a full accounting of how that money is doing in case daddy made some bad investments. He could actually take his dad to court and have him removed as the trustee.
ElectricCity
Greenlighter
jake, isn't clear headed thinking awesome?!
i loved your last post!
"So basically ive been thru so much over last 10 years or so (2 prison bids 4 rehabs etc etc etc...............that i probably am doin right things bein on meth clinic and instead my addiction is tellin me stupid stuff like "Oh you are puttin miles on your car and you already put on 50 000 in 2 yrs, u need to get off clinic " thats stupid , f the car, id rather put mad miles on the car then end up back in prison because i caught another dope charge , already have 2 , dont think a judge would like nicely on a third"
Yes I agree!!!!!! See, you seem to acknowlege your skewed thought process right there in that statement. The whole trying to convince yourself the methadone is also bad cause of all those reasons... man we druggies know how to warp things! And it's awesome that you've recognized some of it cause I want you to know that that is ALL we see here... is your skewed thought processes. Why? cause any posts on BL ARE thoughts... that's all we have... so the more WE read your warped or cyclical thought processes the more we get frustrated. and even you see it!
we just all can relate to. you're a lovely dude, and you have alot of soul, I can tell that. You need to build up your self esteem and healthier lifestyle and i think being on methadone for now with school finishing will be great for you. you've even lowered your dose! Good for you. you may be using as well.. who knows.. but maybe you'll slow up on the using until you just are using methadone alone and are straightening out your life. nothing can be perfect, especially us humans haha.
Take it easy jake, love ya brotha!!!
i loved your last post!
"So basically ive been thru so much over last 10 years or so (2 prison bids 4 rehabs etc etc etc...............that i probably am doin right things bein on meth clinic and instead my addiction is tellin me stupid stuff like "Oh you are puttin miles on your car and you already put on 50 000 in 2 yrs, u need to get off clinic " thats stupid , f the car, id rather put mad miles on the car then end up back in prison because i caught another dope charge , already have 2 , dont think a judge would like nicely on a third"
Yes I agree!!!!!! See, you seem to acknowlege your skewed thought process right there in that statement. The whole trying to convince yourself the methadone is also bad cause of all those reasons... man we druggies know how to warp things! And it's awesome that you've recognized some of it cause I want you to know that that is ALL we see here... is your skewed thought processes. Why? cause any posts on BL ARE thoughts... that's all we have... so the more WE read your warped or cyclical thought processes the more we get frustrated. and even you see it!
we just all can relate to. you're a lovely dude, and you have alot of soul, I can tell that. You need to build up your self esteem and healthier lifestyle and i think being on methadone for now with school finishing will be great for you. you've even lowered your dose! Good for you. you may be using as well.. who knows.. but maybe you'll slow up on the using until you just are using methadone alone and are straightening out your life. nothing can be perfect, especially us humans haha.
Take it easy jake, love ya brotha!!!
Don't let that eat you up like that. What's done is done as for the miles put on driving to re-up. You shouldn't feel guilty at all for going to the clinic. You're getting help for yourself, and that's a great thing. If I was a parent, I'd rather know my child was getting assistance for their addiction than not. Stay strong and best of luck getting and staying clean.
Cerebral
Bluelighter
set your goals.. take it one day at a time
mymindisgoo
Bluelighter
i hear what yer saying about not wanting your father to know. he knows i've smoked once since i've gotten out of the whole rehab process and just to tell him that i have been smoking everyday and have used opiates twice would probably kill him. however his wife who works in a mmt told him that i was bound to use again, it's only statistics. he however thinks that since i went to rehab, the problem is solved - lol. i try to tell him that he has no clue but he doesnt believe that.
1st thing you need to do is up the meth to say 50mil stay away from the dope if that means droping all the pepole you now do it. once you are clean thay wont wont to hang with you any more so drop them now. then you will have a chance at getting clean. hope it works for you it did me 20yrs on meth
you are forgetting that 2 bags today will be 4 tomorrow and so on stay on meth im going on 20ys on it . I will admit i dont have the will power to get off im 51 and dont wont to be on the streets lookin for H
stuckinaloop
Bluelighter
Same here, I had totalled a car, and had numerous accidents due to h and benzos. My insurance is FUCKED. I just got a dui in one state in Sept, and then a dui in another state in Oct lol.
Just be happy the only damage you've done is wear and tear copping dope, and that you didn't get your car impounded and shit twice in 30 days kocking off your mirrors and fucking up the front end.
I won't be driving for a solid 7 months and thats if one 1st case that was dismissed does not get reopened.
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