Untitled Poem

[infectedmushroom]

Hello, an attempt here at creating something I did when I couldn't face going into university and instead sat in a cafe and wrote this with a coffee like some hipster douche.

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Internal guards watching astutely and proud
The thorn thistle green grown to keep out the crowd

Poison snakes lurking and looming malicious
Gatekeeper hooded and ruthlessly vicious

Inside the garden a trapped man is standing
Watching the outside while wailing demanding

Where lays the mercy for eyes red and weeping?
Where are the fair men whose presence i'm seeking?

Whose guards must relinquish their posts for the noon,
Whose flowers are tended and left free to bloom?

Please! Let thorns be blunted, to draw the crowds in -
Bring saviour from demons which feed on my sin.

EDIT:

Thanks for the advice and responses guys, i've changed it a little now so hopefully it's better

 

[ForEverAfter]

Nice. The rhythm works really well and the rhymes don't throw me off, as rhymes often do. I think you lose the rhythm/cadence in two places.

...thick thorn spiked vines... (and) ...against iron din...

^These combinations of syllables don't flow off the tongue as well as the others. Which is a shame, because (otherwise) it's so close to perfect - in terms of meter.

I couldn't face going into university and instead sat in a cafe and wrote this with a coffee like some hipster douche

Were you wearing a beret and drinking a mocha latte?

 

[Ashley]

I too really liked this piece, been meaning to comment on it for days but 4EA beat me to it - damn you!

Excusing what was critiqued regarding the final two lines, he is right they are the only elements of the piece that hold it back from being perfect. I often find myself writing primarily in rhyme and it is no meant feat pulling it off successfully. In this piece of art, you have nailed it. Good job.

Also, slightly off topic - I find carrying a notebook/pen in public somewhat of an inconvenience - perhaps I should get a messenger bag. I'm growing tired of writing on the computer, primarily.

Ash.