Unsolved Mysterys: Where The Fuck Was I?

[Pharcyde]

So dude I up n disappeared amirite? Yall mustve thought I was dead or in jail. Well there is on main problem I had that makes the others seem like nothing. The months maybe around 7 or so we full of legal, mental, drug n alcohol issues....but the biggest was love. So Im going to skip a bunch but Ill say this: I added another notch to the ole criminal record and the doctors say I might be crazy.

So here goes. I came home early..twas supposed to be a suprise, it sure as fuck turned out to be. So I got a ride to the house and walk up the driveway there is a different car there, ok thats weird. I sneak around to the sliding glass door to see my wife and another guy in their pajamas huggin up on eachother in the kitchen making breakfast at first I was like then I . Needless to say their french toast didnt get flipped when I walked in.

I just walked into the house, they were saying things to me but I couldnt hear. Ive been in rages where I cant hear anything and time slows down, but this was different. Like all feeling was sucked out of my body and I was just there. Like an out of body experience. I did look to see if the guest bed was messed up like what was happening wasnt what I thought, no its still made......now my bed I could tell two people had been sleeping there and this dude had a bag there so they mustve been together the whole time I was gone.

I remember her like a foot away from me as Im packing more clothes touching me saying things but I couldnt hear what they were. So I packed my bag and walked to my friends house...its like a 30 minute walk but it ony seemed to take five. I got on a bus after a night of heavy booze n drugs and now Im down state.

The weird part is I dont feel anything. I went out with my family and usually I have to be on drugs for that but it seems like feeling nothing at all is a drug in itself. Ive been drinking my self into oblivion for like 4 maybe 5 days now. Nothing pops into my head about it, Im not the once happy boy I was before. I shouldve know somthing like this would happen all the text messages I intecepted to this guy, and they talk all the time. WTF?

tl:dr
Caught muh wife with another dude

"I always knew it would end up just like this, so pour me one last drink wit the finale kiss"

 

[Selfmeditaker]

hey man you okay???

 

[ColtDan]

hes obviously not okay

 

[Pharcyde]

No Im very far from it. The only positive thing is..none of this makes me wanna hurt muhself........Even still, Im very very very far from ok

 

[getreal]

Pharmy,
You've most likely wee in shock- well, not the real medical sort, but after a trauma like that alot of what happens next is a fog. It happened to me before and although I had quit smoking, after the incident, the next thing I remember was being in the guest bathroom smoking my 8th one. I dunno how i even bought them.
I'm sorry you had to go through something like that- cheating in my book, is an all time most low of lows.
I hope you feel better soon. Take it slow guy.

 

[Pharcyde]

Pharmy,
You've most likely wee in shock- well, not the real medical sort, but after a trauma like that alot of what happens next is a fog. It happened to me before and although I had quit smoking, after the incident, the next thing I remember was being in the guest bathroom smoking my 8th one. I dunno how i even bought them.
I'm sorry you had to go through something like that- cheating in my book, is an all time most low of lows.
I hope you feel better soon. Take it slow guy.

Hey buddy! I can only imagine what this fog will get me into maybe its a fog right now I cant seem to remember things I could just be blocking them out

 

[Slapdragonx]

This is quite messed up. You might need a psychedelic perspective on this, but laying off everything can definitely clear your mind, especially of the fog.

 

[Pharcyde]

Nah man alcohol.I dont think my mind can handle psychs no more

 

[Pharcyde]

I was told two things:
Harden the fuck up
When life hits you with a six punch combo to the face you cant do anything but sit there and take it, because you cant do anything about it

lulz

 

[hyroller]

wow. i always wondered what it'd be like to be undead!

 

[Pharcyde]

wow. i always wondered what it'd be like to be undead!

It aint so bad

 

[Pharcyde]

Pharmy,
You've most likely wee in shock- well, not the real medical sort, but after a trauma like that alot of what happens next is a fog. It happened to me before and although I had quit smoking, after the incident, the next thing I remember was being in the guest bathroom smoking my 8th one. I dunno how i even bought them.
I'm sorry you had to go through something like that- cheating in my book, is an all time most low of lows.
I hope you feel better soon. Take it slow guy.

This blank stage seems agreeable to me. Ive tried to make myself cry using songs that did it before...nothing...alcohol...nothing............I saw my old friends today....I used to make them laugh and laugh with them.....now I just make them laugh and feel nothing behind it.......Id perfer to stay like this......is that weird?

 

[Pharcyde]

I loved the blankness of opiates maybe that is why this seems to be a fit for me

 

[panic in paradise]

i was feeling sick before, but man this was a punch in the gut from here.

opiates are good at/for that, but im sure you know it doesnt last. idk man, keep doing the right thing, it wont go unnoticed...

dude im so sorry that happened the way it did, but now you atleast KNOW WTF, and can move on at your pace.


* hugs for you...

 

[Pharcyde]

i was feeling sick before, but man this was a punch in the gut from here.

opiates are good at/for that, but im sure you know it doesnt last. idk man, keep doing the right thing, it wont go unnoticed...

dude im so sorry that happened the way it did, but now you atleast KNOW WTF, and can move on at your pace.


* hugs for you...

Wow bro that feels good to be wanted...BL missed me. I havent taken opiates I think this numbness is way better. Since I saw I havent done one good thing, IM drinking myself out everynight. I think I wouldve been better not knowing...but I cant make that assumption yet, Im still blank.

 

[Lysis]

Pharcyde, I'm so sorry. Been there, kinda. Found an IM conversation of an old boyfriend (this was about 5-6 years ago, so I'm thankfully over it now). I understand that completely numb feeling. You just can't feel anything.

I don't have any great pearls of wisdom. I did the same as you - drank a whole lot and took mega doses of ambien to just sleep as much as possible Your story made me think of that whole situation so many years ago. I just remember him calling and saying that he thought I wouldn't care. WAT? Anyway, the hatred, numbness, anger..everything...fades. For a while, I wanted him back after about 3-4 months of the shock wearing off. Now, I look back and think how stupid I was to want that. I look back at my rage and anger and everything I did. I went through a stage where I thought that maybe I was wrong...maybe he loved me over her and it was just not real. It's all part of that denial stage.

Shit, your post made me think back to a lot, but I'm soooo much better now than where I was. I went about 3 months knowing something was off, and I finally snooped to confirm it, and yep, my gut was right.

Lots of hugs, and I promise it does get better. The best revenge is to live well. Cliche, but so true.

 

[Pharcyde]

Its just nice that ya posted somthing. I dont really feel anger or rage....it lasted the frist minute of this whole ordeal. Isnt the gut always right? WTF. I seriously dont mind the numbness...its like something Ive been striving for along time now. Along time ago I heard Henry Rollin say "If you really wanna rebel then out earn, out learn and out live." Its stuck with me for awhile now. So I know me some cliche. Ive dealt with alot I think I can swing this major trauma.........drinking alot helps like ya said. One day, justas you did, Ill think back and wonder why I waited so long to leave.....a different situation wouldve been ideal

 

[panic in paradise]

^
bingo!

the best revenge IS living well...

i know you have a lot of time, and a child invested in this girl.
the same as i know of the mental/emotional abuse she would give...
youve contributed aswell id assume, and you also have tried to make things right. i only hear your side, but i believe i get your mentality, and get the feeling(besides this crap of course) that she may of taken your, and any efforts on her part, for you both half-heartily.

its time to put everything youve learned to practice, and bust out, reevaluate yourself, harvest your strengths, and let yourself thrive - at a tolerable steady pace.
im not blowing smoke up your arse (not even if you asked, nicely ), but i think over the years if you were not the genuine, clever, honest, care-bearish potty-mouth, intelligent, life lover you come across as here, IRL, you wouldn't of been able to keep up the act this long.

im serious, if you want or even could travel to washington state, there are a few people here, poor with money, but rich in life, with a big warm house and big real buds i mean hugs, in the mts, valleys, cities, and bays.
i never even imagined this life for myself, right before it actually happened. the same applies for you and anyone else, any where, at any moment.

i know we are here, for you only as you are...
with that being a fact, the remaining proof is that there definitely are many many MANY, others out else-where.


Life Love & Laughter!

 

[Lysis]

If you really wanna rebel then out earn, out learn and out live.

It's so cliche and so true. If she has any heart at all, she will strongly regret what she did. Even if she wasn't happy and wanted to leave, she will regret how it happened and what she did. As you move on and become happy, her conscience will catch up to her and she will realize what a shitty thing she did. You will have moved on, and it's almost like a roll reversal -- you feel good about yourself and she feels like shit for what she did. It doesn't mean she'll want you back and it doesn't mean you'll want her back, but unless she is completely sociopathic, it will come around.

I think being burned so badly gave me that satisfaction when that day came. I know it's amoral, but I went through hell and felt empowered when the day came that I had moved on and he realized what a dick he was.

 

[Pharcyde]

^
bingo!

the best revenge IS living well...

i know you have a lot of time, and a child invested in this girl.
the same as i know of the mental/emotional abuse she would give...
youve contributed aswell id assume, and you also have tried to make things right. i only hear your side, but i believe i get your mentality, and get the feeling(besides this crap of course) that she may of taken your, and any efforts on her part, for you both half-heartily.

Sorry gotta break it down like this but Im drinking so it helps muh mind. I have two kids by her. TBH the abuse went both ways. I try to give my side a fair air to it, not saying Im right and she is wrong, cuz she did that stuff and it buggedthe fuck outta me. She was gung ho about loving me, I dont know when it stopped, I have an idea but I really dont know. Im the half assed one.

its time to put everything youve learned to practice, and bust out, reevaluate yourself, harvest your strengths, and let yourself thrive - at a tolerable steady pace.
im not blowing smoke up your arse (not even if you asked, nicely ), but i think over the years if you were not the genuine, clever, honest, care-bearish potty-mouth, intelligent, life lover you come across as here, IRL, you wouldn't of been able to keep up the act this long.

Wow that was really nice. I do enjoy life and I wasnt living life there, I was home alone till I got into the mess I did. Staying home alone all day everyday totally fucked me mind. I have no pace, Im easy come easy go, my mother always clled me a "little Dean Martin"

im serious, if you want or even could travel to washington state, there are a few people here, poor with money, but rich in life, with a big warm house and big real buds i mean hugs, in the mts, valleys, cities, and bays.
i never even imagined this life for myself, right before it actually happened. the same applies for you and anyone else, any where, at any moment.

I do love to travel, it would be nice to find people who share my lifestyle aswell. Like you said poor with money, rich in life......its rare for me to meet those people but when I do I hold on to them for dear life....I did reconnect with two of them since I left. I never imagined life in general....I havent relly done much with mine anyway that may be why

i know we are here, for you only as you are...
with that being a fact, the remaining proof is that there definitely are many many MANY, others out else-where.

I know there is a kid on here that I talked to about his problems, mental wise they werent very different than mine.....it felt good to tell him what I had to do to get help....I hope he changed his mind about going to a hospital....its was so strange talking to somebody a world away that has the same issues I did

Life Love & Laughter![/QUOTE]