TheCuriousOne
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2014
- Messages
- 113
Hello BL community,
I am experiencing a very unhealthy addiction to psychedelic substances and I think I am turning more and more insane because of my usage. I want to describe my case and would like to hear your advise, I will definitely appreciate it. This may be a bit long post but this is very serious, I'm in desperate need of help and I'm sure that others that also experience this could be also helped out.
Here's my story:
The first couple trips I have had on psychedelics were one of the most beautiful and profound experiences I have had. So beautiful, that I decided to trip about once a month for half a year. Mostly on LSD, Shrooms, DXM, Ketamine, 2C-E, Weed etc...
Until I experienced an "extreme" psychedelic crisis on a heavy dose of LSD: psychotic break, acute psychosis, catatonia, traumatizing visuals etc... It was really bad for the moment, but after I sobered up I was just left with a depression but no permanent effects... well, except for one thing. The visuals. Some images of the trip have manifested in my mind and whenever I trip or just stare at patterns, clouds or walls... I see these hostile images automatically come up. I can't change it but would love it to just go away.
After that experience I sobered up for quite a long time, but not one day passed without me thinking about trying psychedelics again. It's like a psychiological addiction. I tried DXM, Ketamine, Shrooms and other serotonergic psychedelics but always with pretty negative results. 4 out of 5 Trips were Bad, negative trips.
I don't even know why I still took so many psychedelics and STILL consider using them in the future. When I am sober I think I can handle psychedelics, I always think to myself "Maybe the next time will be a complete beautiful experience".
I'm in a very calming, relaxed mindstate. I'm feeling pretty positive about everything. I promise myself to just ride out the trip but as soon as I start peaking, the unbearable terrible, anxious mindloops set in.
Thoughts like "Why am I doing this to myself every time? My heart is racing, I'm sweating bullets. This is not healthy for me. I will never do psychedelics again. I am doomed to torture myself with this until I die." Then I get really overwhelming sensations, I am going a little psychotic. Start to hear voices, gain really negative insights about myself. My Ego is in the way of enjoying the trip. I get really depressed when I trip. I feel so desperately helpless when I'm tripping, I don't know what to do, I just tell myself this will be over in a few hours and lie down... way to enjoy a trip ... Not.
I also get pretty negative, dark visuals. Visuals that make me feel remorse guilt and shame. I can't remember the last time I've had a really uplifting positive trip.
I still don't know why I want to take psychedelics. Maybe I just want to prove myself something. Maybe that Bad LSD Trip I've had ages ago, where I reacted so badly to my trip, has made an imprint in my mind that I want to undo it all. Now I subsconciously want to try it again, so I can react in a different way to it. But it's mostly the same. Just a shitty fucking trip everytime. I can't fully let go, I also feel really stupid because I am failing at doing drugs. I do drugs and I don't even enjoy doing it. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I feel like I am insane because I do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
I am experiencing a very unhealthy addiction to psychedelic substances and I think I am turning more and more insane because of my usage. I want to describe my case and would like to hear your advise, I will definitely appreciate it. This may be a bit long post but this is very serious, I'm in desperate need of help and I'm sure that others that also experience this could be also helped out.
Here's my story:
The first couple trips I have had on psychedelics were one of the most beautiful and profound experiences I have had. So beautiful, that I decided to trip about once a month for half a year. Mostly on LSD, Shrooms, DXM, Ketamine, 2C-E, Weed etc...
Until I experienced an "extreme" psychedelic crisis on a heavy dose of LSD: psychotic break, acute psychosis, catatonia, traumatizing visuals etc... It was really bad for the moment, but after I sobered up I was just left with a depression but no permanent effects... well, except for one thing. The visuals. Some images of the trip have manifested in my mind and whenever I trip or just stare at patterns, clouds or walls... I see these hostile images automatically come up. I can't change it but would love it to just go away.
After that experience I sobered up for quite a long time, but not one day passed without me thinking about trying psychedelics again. It's like a psychiological addiction. I tried DXM, Ketamine, Shrooms and other serotonergic psychedelics but always with pretty negative results. 4 out of 5 Trips were Bad, negative trips.
I don't even know why I still took so many psychedelics and STILL consider using them in the future. When I am sober I think I can handle psychedelics, I always think to myself "Maybe the next time will be a complete beautiful experience".
I'm in a very calming, relaxed mindstate. I'm feeling pretty positive about everything. I promise myself to just ride out the trip but as soon as I start peaking, the unbearable terrible, anxious mindloops set in.
Thoughts like "Why am I doing this to myself every time? My heart is racing, I'm sweating bullets. This is not healthy for me. I will never do psychedelics again. I am doomed to torture myself with this until I die." Then I get really overwhelming sensations, I am going a little psychotic. Start to hear voices, gain really negative insights about myself. My Ego is in the way of enjoying the trip. I get really depressed when I trip. I feel so desperately helpless when I'm tripping, I don't know what to do, I just tell myself this will be over in a few hours and lie down... way to enjoy a trip ... Not.
I also get pretty negative, dark visuals. Visuals that make me feel remorse guilt and shame. I can't remember the last time I've had a really uplifting positive trip.
I still don't know why I want to take psychedelics. Maybe I just want to prove myself something. Maybe that Bad LSD Trip I've had ages ago, where I reacted so badly to my trip, has made an imprint in my mind that I want to undo it all. Now I subsconciously want to try it again, so I can react in a different way to it. But it's mostly the same. Just a shitty fucking trip everytime. I can't fully let go, I also feel really stupid because I am failing at doing drugs. I do drugs and I don't even enjoy doing it. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I feel like I am insane because I do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
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