Unhealthy insane addiction to psychedelics - Need HELP

[TheCuriousOne]

Hello BL community,

I am experiencing a very unhealthy addiction to psychedelic substances and I think I am turning more and more insane because of my usage. I want to describe my case and would like to hear your advise, I will definitely appreciate it. This may be a bit long post but this is very serious, I'm in desperate need of help and I'm sure that others that also experience this could be also helped out.

Here's my story:
The first couple trips I have had on psychedelics were one of the most beautiful and profound experiences I have had. So beautiful, that I decided to trip about once a month for half a year. Mostly on LSD, Shrooms, DXM, Ketamine, 2C-E, Weed etc...

Until I experienced an "extreme" psychedelic crisis on a heavy dose of LSD: psychotic break, acute psychosis, catatonia, traumatizing visuals etc... It was really bad for the moment, but after I sobered up I was just left with a depression but no permanent effects... well, except for one thing. The visuals. Some images of the trip have manifested in my mind and whenever I trip or just stare at patterns, clouds or walls... I see these hostile images automatically come up. I can't change it but would love it to just go away.

After that experience I sobered up for quite a long time, but not one day passed without me thinking about trying psychedelics again. It's like a psychiological addiction. I tried DXM, Ketamine, Shrooms and other serotonergic psychedelics but always with pretty negative results. 4 out of 5 Trips were Bad, negative trips.

I don't even know why I still took so many psychedelics and STILL consider using them in the future. When I am sober I think I can handle psychedelics, I always think to myself "Maybe the next time will be a complete beautiful experience".
I'm in a very calming, relaxed mindstate. I'm feeling pretty positive about everything. I promise myself to just ride out the trip but as soon as I start peaking, the unbearable terrible, anxious mindloops set in.

Thoughts like "Why am I doing this to myself every time? My heart is racing, I'm sweating bullets. This is not healthy for me. I will never do psychedelics again. I am doomed to torture myself with this until I die." Then I get really overwhelming sensations, I am going a little psychotic. Start to hear voices, gain really negative insights about myself. My Ego is in the way of enjoying the trip. I get really depressed when I trip. I feel so desperately helpless when I'm tripping, I don't know what to do, I just tell myself this will be over in a few hours and lie down... way to enjoy a trip ... Not.

I also get pretty negative, dark visuals. Visuals that make me feel remorse guilt and shame. I can't remember the last time I've had a really uplifting positive trip.

I still don't know why I want to take psychedelics. Maybe I just want to prove myself something. Maybe that Bad LSD Trip I've had ages ago, where I reacted so badly to my trip, has made an imprint in my mind that I want to undo it all. Now I subsconciously want to try it again, so I can react in a different way to it. But it's mostly the same. Just a shitty fucking trip everytime. I can't fully let go, I also feel really stupid because I am failing at doing drugs. I do drugs and I don't even enjoy doing it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I feel like I am insane because I do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

 

[Peacephrog1972]

well you for sure hit the nail on the head with the insanity......doing the same thing over and over expecting different results

I understand the "addiction" to psychs.....i have had negative trips, but i never was in your boat where they all go bad....i would suspect they will always be like that

some people are not cut out to do psychs.......maybe consider the fact that you are one of those people.

 

[Keymaker]

Wow. Dr.'s or people in general will all say "I understand". Reality is we don't. I decided I will go out on a limb here, Maybe I can walk you through that wall, and perhaps You can help you.
You hit on a few key words that show you have been looking in all the wrong places for your answer. EGO is the one that hit me loudest. EGO is not some foreign entity inside you. EGO is not even a real thing. It IS you. It's the you that you hide inside yourself. It's a sort of disconnection from reality, and an excuse to say... what you have said.
First things first. Your first trips where at what point in your life? I assume everything was nice but perhaps there was something changing or about to change, and you knew it but tried to suppress it. That's usually why people trip. To avoid what is eminent.
Nothing bad was happening so you laid back, and tried to experience the trip. Your EGO told you to. You told you to.
It went well enough, and that new experience gave you hope. Maybe everything really will be alright!!!

Guess what? You experienced it again. Just as the first time... This IS fun! The next time your EGO was waiting. YOU knew the routine. You let your guard down, and IT crept in. The reason you decided to try tripping in the first place is not knocking at your door. So you got a little distracted... No big deal. it'll stop. BANG BANG Open the fucking door bitch because the party is over!!! You just burst thru into your trip. That fear of rejection or the worries about that ass down the street that scares the crap out of you or walking home late at night but you do it cause you tough... Guess what? All that bad shit is tearing your soul apart for some attention. It NEEDS to be addressed or it will kill you.

Ok now. You got this. No more trips. I can do this You still have the deadly shit in you. It has not been addressed.. Got this. No problem...
Some ass monkey gives you some trips. Friend huh? NOT You know what will happen but you don't care. You HAVE to escape. You have to...
Then it starts. Where you gonna hide now bitch? I GOT YOU! I also have a secret. I AM you. WE are doing this to us. Forever. I got you.

Press pause... Fast forward... RESUME!!!!!!!!!!!

Did i get any of that right?

Shrinks? aaaaa eerrr aaaa I don't know. Maybe some get it but you don't have time to find out.

Family/ eeaa rrr e tttt complicated, and back to shrinks

Friends... fuck that. They never really helped to date.

what's left? um... you! You have to face yourself. Shitty hair? cut it off! too heavy? too ugly? too stupid? too whatever? So fucking what!!! YOU are YOU. Nothing you can do about it. Nothing SHOULD be done about any of those things. You were born the same as every other SOB on this planet since the dawn of time. To Hell with anyone that says anything different.
You have to make up with you. The things that you do NOT want to do, don't.

If you are genuinely a BAD person (like my ex) don't get a pet. Give your kids away, and find some ugly as sin SOBER person who will love the you that you are. That person will know you are bad to the core yet worship the ground you walk on because he/she will understand the pain you have to live with, and will offer you no more pain.

If you ARE a good person grab yourself by the ass, and fucking RUN. Don't look back, and don't stop. Throw out everything from your old life, and move to the coast. The beach attracts like people. I'd say move to the mountains because it is beautiful but you need to work. You need people. you need to begin your life.
The old shit is over sister. You found your ego, and it's not a bad companion.

I sure hope this got thru because I don't have another one in me. I don't know who you are but you have my heart

 

[murphythecat]

if you are bored with life and take psy to have fun, eventually, you will have problems.

One chouldnt take psy more then once every 10 day, that the ultimate maximum. after that, you are addicted to that feeling of bliss, euphory and sheer profound fun that psy brings and you end up not being able to experience contentment sober. then you will have problems for sure.

you need to find alternative solution to better you life sober. meditation for me is the activity I prefer the most in my lfie. mindfulness is just so calm and beautiful when applied as often as possible. then, when I trip, I get always this beautiful place because I am in this beautiful place most of my sober life anyway.

bad trips and bad experience comes from you, and the way you live your life. change how you live and experience each moment of your life, be content with the now and the present moment, and then take psy once every 10 days if you must, and im sure you will have great experiences.

a psy only exarcebate your state of mind and can show you what your mind could be feeling all the time. but if you have too much problems, psy will have to show you those problems because you need to learn something out of this.

 

[Samulson]

You need to give them a rest for a while bro. Psychedelics can initiate, lets call them alchemical processes in your being. One of those processes, is purification, all of the dross within will rise to the surface to be examined and dealt with. You need to deal with the stuff that has come to the surface. Get that sorted out and you can hop back on the fractal fun wagon.

Peace

 

[jason7]

Just don't take high doses. You won't usually get bad trips from low doses, like 100-150 mcg LSD.

 

[AA357]

One chouldnt take psy more then once every 10 day, that the ultimate maximum. after that, you are addicted to that feeling of bliss, euphory and sheer profound fun that psy brings and you end up not being able to experience contentment sober. then you will have problems for sure.

That's a bit of a sweeping statement. Everybody is different... if money and tolerance weren't an issue I'd be tripping every other day.
Until my GP tells me that my intestines are getting clogged up from all the blotter paper I'm ingesting, I don't consider it a problem.

OP: if you want to trip regularly without having bad trips, you just have to lighten up and take your experiences with a pinch of salt. You should embrace the visuals, not be afraid of them. Just relax, go with the flow and don't take anything seriously. Remember: you are your own worst enemy. Trust me; I like to trip at least once a week.

 

[TheCuriousOne]

The next time your EGO was waiting. YOU knew the routine. You let your guard down, and IT crept in. The reason you decided to try tripping in the first place is not knocking at your door. So you got a little distracted... No big deal. it'll stop. BANG BANG Open the fucking door bitch because the party is over!!! You just burst thru into your trip. That fear of rejection or the worries about that ass down the street that scares the crap out of you or walking home late at night but you do it cause you tough... Guess what? All that bad shit is tearing your soul apart for some attention. It NEEDS to be addressed or it will kill you.

Ok now. You got this. No more trips. I can do this You still have the deadly shit in you. It has not been addressed.. Got this. No problem...
Some ass monkey gives you some trips. Friend huh? NOT You know what will happen but you don't care. You HAVE to escape. You have to...
Then it starts. Where you gonna hide now bitch? I GOT YOU! I also have a secret. I AM you. WE are doing this to us. Forever. I got you.

Press pause... Fast forward... RESUME!!!!!!!!!!!

Did i get any of that right?

I want to trip, because I want the magical, beautiful mindstate about life and everything around it. I love the musical change on LSD, I love the beautiful colours and the visuals.


But I guess that's not the real purpose of tripping? I don't think tripping is exclusively for a 12 hour guilt and shameful, psychological rollercoaster about all my problems and what I fucked up most in my life, though. I used to take drugs to escape my problems, not to confront them FULL ON.

This is such bullshit because all of my mindless, stupid, druggie friends are always tripping and enjoying psyches as just recreational drugs that will make their "brains melt" and see shit. They don't ever have to address psychiological shit on their trips.

I'm serious, if you would know what kind of fucked up visuals and what a "dirty" feeling I get when tripping, you would NOPE the fuck outta there.


I don't really get what you're saying with this, though: " That fear of rejection or the worries about that ass down the street that scares the crap out of you or walking home late at night but you do it cause you tough "

 

[bunnyhentman]

@TheCuriousOne You'd be interested to read the book "Be Not Content" by William Craddock. His experiences as an acid eater in 1960's northern California are an extreme, well-written depiction of a bad psychedelic dependency.

I never got to his state (then again, I never had the luxury of living in a time and place where people had kilos lsd crystal just laying around) but parts of it really hit home.

 

[snortmdma]

Using LSD, MDA, MDMA has put me into psychosis a few times. I've done drugs like that about 20 times and I've been psychotic about 5 times. I'm convinced I am addicted to these drugs . Right now I am swearing off psychedelics forever and I haven't done any in 4 months

 

[AA357]

I want to trip, because I want the magical, beautiful mindstate about life and everything around it. I love the musical change on LSD, I love the beautiful colours and the visuals.

You can still have that. You just gotta learn to not give a shit.

But I guess that's not the real purpose of tripping? I don't think tripping is exclusively for a 12 hour guilt and shameful, psychological rollercoaster about all my problems and what I fucked up most in my life, though. I used to take drugs to escape my problems, not to confront them FULL ON.

That's your problem... like I said: you are your own worst enemy.
If you have a load of insecurities or demons or mental health issues then LSD is not for you. It's not for the faint of heart.

You need to be able to accept yourself for who you are and just relax and surrender to the effects of the drug. For me, the psychedelic experience can be very escapist.

This is such bullshit because all of my mindless, stupid, druggie friends are always tripping and enjoying psyches as just recreational drugs that will make their "brains melt" and see shit. They don't ever have to address psychiological shit on their trips.

Then they are not mindless or stupid at all. They are obviously pretty well-adjusted and strong-minded individuals.
LSD is quite an anxiogenic drug so you have to be pretty 'in tune' with yourself if you want to enjoy it as a recreational drug.

It sounds like you're just jealous of people who can drop acid for shits and giggles.

 

[cosmic._.ape]

Curious one, check your liver and kidneys if you haven't done it yet. I know some people who used to get bad trips until they find out their organ problems. Once those were solved, healed, they recovered the joy of tripping.

...failing that, have you tried methoxetamine? it seems to be safer, regarding the possibility of bad trips. If you only use it once a week you'll find very hard not to enjoy it

 

[TheCuriousOne]

Then they are not mindless or stupid at all. They are obviously pretty well-adjusted and strong-minded individuals.
LSD is quite an anxiogenic drug so you have to be pretty 'in tune' with yourself if you want to enjoy it as a recreational drug.

It sounds like you're just jealous of people who can drop acid for shits and giggles.

I'm serious, you don't know these people. They are extremely stupid, lazy stoners that drop Acid and act retarded and just do psychedelics to "permafry" themselves... for no real spiritual, profound reason... just to be "fucked up".

I noticed that really stupid people have an easier time on psychedelics than more sophisticated or philosophical people. They just don't have the time to think, they spend their time just being fucked up on Acid and acting retarded. Just my observation out of some "tripper friends"

 

[AA357]

I'm serious, you don't know these people. They are extremely stupid, lazy stoners that drop Acid and act retarded and just do psychedelics to "permafry" themselves... for no real spiritual, profound reason... just to be "fucked up".

I noticed that really stupid people have an easier time on psychedelics than more sophisticated or philosophical people. They just don't have the time to think, they spend their time just being fucked up on Acid and acting retarded. Just my observation out of some "tripper friends"

I don't take psychedelics for any real spiritual or profound reason either... I just take them for fun (and yes, sometimes I do like to get royally fucked up on them). I trip at least once a week.
FYI I am a powerlifter and a fighter and my IQ is 141 (yep, even after all the drugs and head trauma).

Let's face it: make of it what you will but LSD is silly as fuck. Sometimes when you're sitting there with a head full of acid, you can't help but burst out laughing at the sheer ridiculousness that's going through your head. It really screws with your thought processes, sometimes in frankly hilarious ways. It's not about being stupid, it's about having a fucking sense of humor.

Being able to enjoy psychedelics regularly and recreationally is all about personality. It has nothing to do with being stupid... it's about being able to lighten up, let go and not take everything so damn seriously. Whether or not stupid people are on the whole better at doing this than more sophisticated/philosophical people I do not know.
I do know one thing though: getting fucked up and acting retarded is not the same thing as being retarded. For some of us it's a fun way to let off steam.

 

[Keymaker]

You're right. I know the type... The ass clowns that can not think, and drop acid... They are fucking retards from the jump so they have nothing to fear.

I think you need to find a gal that trips, and is either a shrink, or a shamin. DMT might be an breakthru medicine for you but I'm hesitant to say use a drug to fix a drug problem.
What I meant by ass down the street or walking home alone is, small frustrations that pile up. The little things that annoy you but you keep repressed because they should be petty. Sometimes they are HUGE issues but because Life In General" says they are small. you convince your self they are small.

Going back a few steps... You need new friends. You acknowledge yours are retards. People who see you but don't know you are assuming you are one of them. You put yourself in a situation to fail. That is one of the little things I mentioned.

Eliminate all of them. Get a new phone. Carry two phones, and don't give the new number to even your best friend. Start seeking a new "click, and use that phone just for them. See what happens... You might begin to see a pattern of preferring one phone over the other.

Forget all this "cool" drug shit too.
If you NEED to get high try rolling a joint. No fucking stupid pipes. No ass retarded vapin' shit. Roll a joint.
Something else that helps is mushrooms. Just 1/2 a gram in the morning, 1/2 at lunch, 1/2 at bed.
It works like valium, and if taken as a med. there is a calming effect that MIGHT help you handle the new road you should be taking.

If you can hang in there, look for a REAL person that is LICENSED in pysco shit. Someone that HAS tripped, and understands.
Maybe a study group at a university. Become part of something better. That alone will begin changing the way your EGO accepts you, and the way you accept your EGO.

I have friends that low dose shrooms daily just as a med., and they run companies, and families.
I have friends (they're not friends) that are drug dumpsters. Those I avoid like herpes. They can do NOTHING more than use each other for the next get high. I dis associate myself from them, and I have respect from those that don't even know me.

I'm going in circles now. Told ya I didn't have two good posts in me...

Get the phone, and seek help from a PRO. A real in touch w/ their inner self pro. Look up the top researchers in the field like the people that ran w/ Shulgin. THEY are the ONLY ones that can/will help you. They ALL have Email, and you have acess. Hell... copy/patse this thread to everyone you can find in the "BIG GAME". The real pros.
You might learn in a couple years how to find, and help others just like you. In fact you could become the best person on the planet at helping people remove hurdles in their lives. A respected researcher...

Right now... the ass clown crowd you are associated with is the biggest fail in your life, and will be as long as you are in that circle. Remove yourself. Don't seek love or approval. Don't get a cat.
Set a path, and slowly but surely follow it. Seek to learn what you are mechanically, and you will learn who you are spiritually. eventually your eyes will begin to see what others are, and you will recognize the one you are meant to be near at a glance.
There is a beautiful world here waiting for you. WE need you, and there are a LOT of us willing to share the beauty. The rest... Fuck them. They don't seek anything.

Life s arms are open. Run to it. Get the new number, and add contacts one at a time. Every time that phone rings, there is hope on the other end.

 

[TheCuriousOne]

The little things that annoy you but you keep repressed because they should be petty. Sometimes they are HUGE issues but because Life In General" says they are small. you convince your self they are small.

If you NEED to get high try rolling a joint.

Become part of something better. That alone will begin changing the way your EGO accepts you, and the way you accept your EGO.

Starting this thread really gave me motivation to take this seriously and stop psychedelics for a long long time. Until I sorted these things once and for all. I won't just accept that psychedelics are not for me and I should permanently give them up.


Same thing goes for Weed by the way. When I started smoking weed it was beautiful and special. Now it's just a horrible time, I see myself in a terrible way. I perceive what the drug shows me as hostile. When I am high on weed I feel like I'm deluded and shown things about me that are just not true. Like, when I am high I feel stupid, self-conscious and just like I am shown wrong things about myself that are just not true... because I don't feel this way when I'm sober.

I have already isolated myself from my "druggie" friends and have made new friends from the university. Problem is, most of them are not at all into drugs/psychedelics. But I really don't mind. Maybe that is just what I need

 

[Keymaker]

The contacts for the big baller's can be found thru the university. That's what schools do. they solve problems.
I dare not assume nor would I attempt to draw out any issues. They are yours, and yours alone. Fact of the matter is they will never go away. They are what you are. You have to accept that, and guide your actions, and decisions based on what you are. But you already know this...
People are tough. Don't fool yourself. There is a way to cope.

Trips are actually a good thing in your life. Sounds wrong huh! They opened a door that would have been nailed shut forever. Using them NOW is obviously pretty f'n dumb but they did what they do. They showed you the inner self. You don't like it because it is fucked up. You are fucked up inside. GOOD NEWS! You know this. Now you can begin to work the F'd up parts of you into something you can deal with. I'm not saying it is as easy as saying, "Hey I have a deep problem! I'm gonna have to live with it, and never let it bother me!
It don't work like that. Some things never go away. It helps to get it said tho. That's where I suggest Big Ballers. There is nothing that has happened that they have not been exposed to. Moral shit? If you feel THAT bad about it, so what. It's on you. Physical shit? Either you did it, and it can not be undone or it was don to you, and it still can not be undone.

No matter what it is... You HAVE to get it out. It will kill you otherwise. I Promise. The worst thing I can think of is if you murdered someone. That's the worst.
Well you have to pay. No doubt. Action creates action. So you get it over with, and pay up. Sorry.

I'm just pointing out that action creates action. You must take action to undo the action that happened, and having someone to discuss this with is mandatory (IMHO). Not some stuffed shirt making a living either. University people are there because they have a passion in their field. I believe they could "screen" your issues, and provide the right person for you to talk to, and I also believe it MUST be a person that has tripped to understand the trips are the key to YOUR inner issues. No one else could relate. NO ONE!

I'll stick around this thread for you if you like. I signed up here to research DMT, and what/how it Really works. I asked in the adoption thread for a mentor on the site to guide me to posts that might help my venture, and I only posted a few threads to pass the time until I could see if this site could help.
You are much more than I expected, and it is apparent that you are searching for answers. Maybe the time will pass, and we will both find our answers. I hope so, much more for you. Mine is a search for answers that can wait. Yours is a quest that needs answers so you can continue on to new quests.
I hope I don't / didn't offend you. I just saw a soul drifting past, and had to say hello.

 

[murphythecat]

yeah op, I used to be addicted to weed, from 17 to basically 25 years old. im 27. I used to smoke everyday, multiple time a day. My life was a wreck, and I couldnt really enjoy psy.
it made me anxious, self conscious, made me think way too much, ect. I felt I had no control on my life.

Ive only return to psy once Ive delt with that addiction. if you are having bad psy experience, its because you are not happy in your life. psy are teling you something. Im, nowadays, free of weed, and Ive not had a bad trip ever since. I practice mindfulness and mediation every day, and my life has never been better. so when I take a psy, theres not a chance that I can really bad trip.

 

[legalizeall]

"EGO - It's the you that you hide inside yourself."

I absolutely love it. That is exactly what it is.

 

[Keymaker]

"EGO - It's the you that you hide inside yourself."

I absolutely love it. That is exactly what it is.

I keep reading, and listening to all this "parrot" repetition about "Ego", and "Break-thru". Words like "Cosmic", and "Entity". I think the truth lies closer to home.
We simply need a way to disconnect ourselves from what we are in order to have something to shield us from the guilt of not performing at the level we know we should. Human nature is basic. We are animals. We are hunters, and killers. Social behavior simply evolved as a method to gain strength, and therefore survive but the nature remains the same.
So in all these years of evolving, and laying the foundations for society we have also developed a disconnection that we ALL know is bullshit. We all use this common lie in order to release ourselves or forgive ourselves for transgressions from what we know is in our nature yet is not acceptable.

So it has become an inner battle. Do we believe the lies we tell ourselves or do we accept the fact that we are not what we think we are.
In TheCuriousOne's case there is a firm disconnect that is suppressed. The disconnect has not been rationalized or accepted.
It Must be understood that we are what we are. Animals with self appointed rule sets. Once this fact is accepted the disconnect vanishes, and the "Ego" is one with the whole.

There is only one rule, and no exceptions. You have to be prepared to accept what life brings your way. Deal with it by understanding you can not change what has happened or by giving back what you know is of equal value for what you have taken.
Animals make mistakes. Monkeys fall out of trees all the time. Elephants sit on their young all the time. People hurt people all the time. Accept it as it is, and accept your Ego as you would like others to accept you.