Woodsong
Bluelighter
I don't know if the world "depressed" is the best word I'd use to describe my life in general right now... My job, vehicle (and hence way of life), my significant other (whom I'd thought was the love of my life), my own living space (now living with my constantly fighting mother and grandmother in the middle of absolutely fucking nowhere), all my money, my dad suddenly died last year (my biggest source of support), and now the rest of my family has pretty much permanently disowned me as a useless junkie because of drugs (I have chronic back pain, on top of use of said anxiety meds)... All of my previous friends don't talk to me any more for the same reasons...
Almost seven weeks now of buprenorphine withdrawal/PAWS, whatever you wanna call it... No offense, but I've heard the whole "it'll get better" thing a thousand times, and I'd rather not hear it again... Which is not to say that I don't appreciate it, it has helped me a lot to a certain extent before in certain situations... I was on the bupe for over a year. I know I should have been tapering in that time, but being neither here nor there, I was essentially forced to quit cold-turkey from that dose... I know I've posted another thread or two about it, but that's not the issue here...
I ended up going out yesterday and buying a .... 'significant' amount of Xanax to try and help deal with the remaining symptoms, if only for a while. Xanax is the only benzo that gives me any real relief from the PAWS (name just about anything else, I've tried it), also from constant general anxiety about everything else on the fucking planet, but it also happens to be one of my favorite recreational substances. Luckily, I don't get hold of it often enough that I've ever developed a physical dependence to it, or any other benzo ... yet here comes that "hangover" I get after binges again though: About a week of bad anxiety, insomnia and relentless episodes of sleep paralysis... But whatever, nothing I haven't dealt with before...
I'm not really suicidal ... I'd have to write more than anyone would care to read to describe the whole situation; but if someone handed me a gun right now, I probably wouldn't have to think very hard about pulling the trigger... I like who I am as a person, or at least I did before the drugs turned me into who I am now. It's not that there's nothing in my life that I don't enjoy, things that bring me joy... but I'm tired of being in this pain, the physical and emotional. I'm just feeling tired of life in general, I suppose... I've never gone this long in withdrawal, and it's beginning to become more than I can handle... I don't see any way out of the life situation that I find myself in. I feel ungrateful saying this, but "it'll get better" is an essentially meaningless phrase to me, whether it ends up being true in the end or not...
I don't want to die... I just want this to end... It's not just the withdrawal, this all has been going on for longer than I care to bear anymore... There's too much that I care about to leave behind, but as time goes by I'm beginning to care less and less...
Almost seven weeks now of buprenorphine withdrawal/PAWS, whatever you wanna call it... No offense, but I've heard the whole "it'll get better" thing a thousand times, and I'd rather not hear it again... Which is not to say that I don't appreciate it, it has helped me a lot to a certain extent before in certain situations... I was on the bupe for over a year. I know I should have been tapering in that time, but being neither here nor there, I was essentially forced to quit cold-turkey from that dose... I know I've posted another thread or two about it, but that's not the issue here...
I ended up going out yesterday and buying a .... 'significant' amount of Xanax to try and help deal with the remaining symptoms, if only for a while. Xanax is the only benzo that gives me any real relief from the PAWS (name just about anything else, I've tried it), also from constant general anxiety about everything else on the fucking planet, but it also happens to be one of my favorite recreational substances. Luckily, I don't get hold of it often enough that I've ever developed a physical dependence to it, or any other benzo ... yet here comes that "hangover" I get after binges again though: About a week of bad anxiety, insomnia and relentless episodes of sleep paralysis... But whatever, nothing I haven't dealt with before...
I'm not really suicidal ... I'd have to write more than anyone would care to read to describe the whole situation; but if someone handed me a gun right now, I probably wouldn't have to think very hard about pulling the trigger... I like who I am as a person, or at least I did before the drugs turned me into who I am now. It's not that there's nothing in my life that I don't enjoy, things that bring me joy... but I'm tired of being in this pain, the physical and emotional. I'm just feeling tired of life in general, I suppose... I've never gone this long in withdrawal, and it's beginning to become more than I can handle... I don't see any way out of the life situation that I find myself in. I feel ungrateful saying this, but "it'll get better" is an essentially meaningless phrase to me, whether it ends up being true in the end or not...
I don't want to die... I just want this to end... It's not just the withdrawal, this all has been going on for longer than I care to bear anymore... There's too much that I care about to leave behind, but as time goes by I'm beginning to care less and less...
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