TDS Uncomfortably numb...

[Woodsong]

I don't know if the world "depressed" is the best word I'd use to describe my life in general right now... My job, vehicle (and hence way of life), my significant other (whom I'd thought was the love of my life), my own living space (now living with my constantly fighting mother and grandmother in the middle of absolutely fucking nowhere), all my money, my dad suddenly died last year (my biggest source of support), and now the rest of my family has pretty much permanently disowned me as a useless junkie because of drugs (I have chronic back pain, on top of use of said anxiety meds)... All of my previous friends don't talk to me any more for the same reasons...

Almost seven weeks now of buprenorphine withdrawal/PAWS, whatever you wanna call it... No offense, but I've heard the whole "it'll get better" thing a thousand times, and I'd rather not hear it again... Which is not to say that I don't appreciate it, it has helped me a lot to a certain extent before in certain situations... I was on the bupe for over a year. I know I should have been tapering in that time, but being neither here nor there, I was essentially forced to quit cold-turkey from that dose... I know I've posted another thread or two about it, but that's not the issue here...

I ended up going out yesterday and buying a .... 'significant' amount of Xanax to try and help deal with the remaining symptoms, if only for a while. Xanax is the only benzo that gives me any real relief from the PAWS (name just about anything else, I've tried it), also from constant general anxiety about everything else on the fucking planet, but it also happens to be one of my favorite recreational substances. Luckily, I don't get hold of it often enough that I've ever developed a physical dependence to it, or any other benzo ... yet here comes that "hangover" I get after binges again though: About a week of bad anxiety, insomnia and relentless episodes of sleep paralysis... But whatever, nothing I haven't dealt with before...

I'm not really suicidal ... I'd have to write more than anyone would care to read to describe the whole situation; but if someone handed me a gun right now, I probably wouldn't have to think very hard about pulling the trigger... I like who I am as a person, or at least I did before the drugs turned me into who I am now. It's not that there's nothing in my life that I don't enjoy, things that bring me joy... but I'm tired of being in this pain, the physical and emotional. I'm just feeling tired of life in general, I suppose... I've never gone this long in withdrawal, and it's beginning to become more than I can handle... I don't see any way out of the life situation that I find myself in. I feel ungrateful saying this, but "it'll get better" is an essentially meaningless phrase to me, whether it ends up being true in the end or not...

I don't want to die... I just want this to end... It's not just the withdrawal, this all has been going on for longer than I care to bear anymore... There's too much that I care about to leave behind, but as time goes by I'm beginning to care less and less...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It sounds like you are suffering from a bad case of PAWS. And it might take a considerable longer amount of time...but you will get better. If you don't after an entire year or longer, it'll be important to go to a doctor and find out why lingering symptoms are still there. You could even go to a doctor now, just explaining how bad the PAWS is, and possibly to rule out other causes of the symptoms that are being labeled as PAWS for now.

Sometimes high blood pressure, thyroid issues, and a variety of other health problems can give off symptoms similar enough that they could be mistaken as PAWS/opiate withdrawal symptoms.

For this reason, consulting a doctor is always a good idea.

Best of luck!

 

[Woodsong]

Y'know what, I take that back, I am pretty fucking depressed...

I had a life. I had friends and family that supported me. I had someone I loved dearly. I held my own, and I was happy with the way things were. Like any life though, it had pain. I couldn't deal with it and took the easy way out, and lost most everything because of it... What exactly am I supposed to work toward now? I've always been a simple person needs-wise, what do I even have to live for now? I don't even know why I get out of bed in the morning anymore... All I have anymore is the pain I previously tried so desperately to escape, and now then some... How am I supposed to live like this? Why would I want to? Everything I used to care about is either gone or tainted beyond repair by what I've done...

I don't have the balls to kill myself, but this ain't no way to live...

 

[Pagey]

It's not that you don't have the balls to kill yourself, it's that you have the balls to keep living. Suicide is the easy way out. And I say that as someone's who attempted it a couple times. The brave thing to do is to keep pushing.
It does sound like your vision is definitely still blurred by PAWS. Maybe you can try to find a little consolation in that, as in at least you know what it's (in part) due to and you know it won't be permanent.
I know it's probably not what you want to hear but I would try to lay off the Xanax...you said yourself that it always makes things worse afterwards. Plus you don't want to risk switching addictions if you suddenly find an easier source.

Just try to remember it's never too late to turn your life around. It sounds like you've been through a lot of really tough stuff recently and I know it's difficult to see the light in those moments, but no matter your age or situation you can always do something if you're not happy right now.

Do you see a therapist? An addiction specialist in general might be helpful right now if you're open to the idea, to help you with the psychological WDs?

 

[Rob27shred]

I can relate, my situation is similarly shity right now. I give you credit for trying to get clean with all that craziness going on. I know I can't even begin to try to get off the subs in my situation, but I'm stuck with a couple self righteous junkies who aren't doing anything to help themselves & would love nothing more to see me fuck up just so they can make me look like a fuck up. Worse part these people are close family. Anyways, trust me both of our situations could be much worse, & if the PAWS are too much to take in your current situation get back on the subs. Don't risk fucking your life up again cause someone else wants you to be "clean". Sometimes you gotta tune out everybody else, even people you love & respect & do what you need to do to get yourself in a better place. That's what your mind is trying to tell you when hit that "uncomfortably numb" phase. Trust me I've been stuck in it for years & years now. But my mindset is no matter how hard they try to bring me down or how long it takes to get myself where I want to be I'm gonna get there just to give a huge middle finger to everybody who has been fucking with my life. Getting pissed instead of sad helps me out a lot. Well as convoluted as it may have been I hope you get what I'm tryin to say & it helps some.

 

[Woodsong]

@Pagey
I still see the psychiatrist that prescribed the Subutex in the past, and saw a couple more at a state-funded facility but they were less than helpful to say the least.

I know I definitely need to lay off the Xanax... It makes me forget all about the withdrawal completely, but damn if I can't stop popping the things like candy once I start, and if I end up taking too much like I did yesterday (at least I .. think it was yesterday), the rebound just makes it a hundred times worse...

... Kinda funny, while I was at my Xanax dealer's house, damn if one of my old roxi dealers wasn't sitting right there in her living room. He was all meth'd out and wouldn't shut up trying to get me to buy some, but I refused... So at least I know I do have some resolve...

 

[Woodsong]

@Rob27shred
My grandmother'll pop Lortabs and Ativan right in front of me, and my mom still does meth fairly often... God help you if you mention it to em, lol.

Ain't no way I'm getting back on the bupe though... I'm grateful as hell for the stuff, as it finally got me off of oxy, I really am, I just hate how long the shit lasts...

... and I've been pissed off throughout this whole ordeal. What I wouldn't give for a punching bag, lol.

 

[Pagey]

Mmh...dyou see a therapist though? Might be more helpful? IME it's much easier to find a good therapist than it is to find a good shrink. I've got a great psychiatrist right now but it took me about 5 years to find him, whereas I've never had any trouble finding therapists I could speak to.
Hey, good job for turning down the roxis though, that's fantastic! But yeah, definitely try to cut out the Xanax as well, it'll only make things worse in the long run.

Punch pillows if you don't have a punching bag. It's the next best thing

 

[Woodsong]

@Pagey
Ah, sorry, the ones at the state-funded clinic were therapists. After talking to a couple of them for a while, turns out they were just making me jump through hoops to get to the main guy there, and he pretty much just told me to deal and get over it... And that my dad was in Heaven, so get over that too...

 

[Rob27shred]

Definitely glad to hear your done with the subs. Wish I could get there & from your last post I can see you understood what I was saying. Just was trying to make you feel a little better with saying the dreaded "it will get better" line. But like I said what works best for me is to use the anger for motivation. Even if it's just motivation to keep going through my shity life!

 

[Pagey]

@Pagey
Ah, sorry, the ones at the state-funded clinic were therapists. After talking to a couple of them for a while, turns out they were just making me jump through hoops to get to the main guy there, and he pretty much just told me to deal and get over it... And that my dad was in Heaven, so get over that too...

Fuck that's awful, talk about unhelpful and irresponsible. I'm sorry

 

[Woodsong]

@Rob27shred
What were you on before, if you don't mind me asking? I was taking about 300mg of oxy a day (orally+nasally, never shot), and the withdrawal from the bupe itself has been a damn cake-walk compared to even day-one of that shit... (Which isn't to say it hasn't sucked to hell and back, obviously.) Like I said before though, it just lasts for friggin' ever, and that's what scared me from ever quitting the most... Kinda helps if you have a lot of free time on your hands, though...

 

[Woodsong]

@Pagey
I was kinda burned on shrinks after that, yeah, lol...

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey woodsong.. Im sorry you are drenched in the blues.. If you go back to the opiates you will be going back to the very thing that mercilessly swallowed almost your WHOLE life. If i were you I would stop using all the drugs as the use of other drugs besides the opiates seems to be keeping your addiction/paws/pain alive and well.. and it seems to be doing almost NO good as well. take the plunge.. stop looking for something to help with the road out.. clean up completely. I believe you are receiving little benefit and prolonging your misery indefinably. Pleas stop living in the past, that life is over, its time to start a new one. You find yourself where many, many, many, if not ALL junkies find themselves (if they don't die first).. I think we all new what we were playing with that fatal day we decided we were just going to try it once, I mean we had to know what it felt like at least, once just to see.. Well yes, we geniuses (geniuses included) that couldn't take someones word and warning that if you play around a pit of tar you may fall in and die or at the very least you will have the struggle of your life coming out, nope not us, we went to the edge and gracefully did a triple Lindy rite into the middle of the pit. Its a bitch to get out, but its possible (Im proof and all my habits were shockingly bad) and you can be happy (happier than I've ever been), but you have to endure all the shit while you crawl, beg, pray, cuss, your way out. There are allot of us geniuses that decided to see how hard it was to get out of the sticky mercy depths of the middle of a boiling tar pit of addiction so if I were you i would look for some of us that are making our way out, yeah I think you could really use the support of other addicts (the support of other addicts on BL worked so why don't you find a way to get more of that.. NA/AA).. I guess someone could pull themselves out of the tar pitt alone, but why bother, get in touch with the only people that know what you are going through.. more of us addicts.. I find that things I cry about alone are the exact things that make laugh hysterically when I'm with another addict, there is real power in being with someone who knows exactly what the hell your talking about and could take over and finish your story even before you are half way through the second sentence. Also who knows but you may meet the love of your life or maybe just the love of the next couple months of your life. Along with rounding up some recoveries to make the final push out of the tar pit i would also think about what you need to do.. you are starting a new life, your free from all that held you in the last one, don't look back there isn't anything there anymore, you get to start a whole new one, Id like to lie to you and say that in your new life there will be no bad things but unfortunately life only comes in one flavor, no matter how many you are lucky enough to start, the same generic flavor of ALLOTOK-SOMEGOOD-SOMEBAD-ALITTLEHELL-ANDBITSOFHEAVEN that we all get. WOODSONG you have been given a chance to start over, you have a fresh new canvas to paint on, quit looking at the old canvas, quit looking at a blank canvas, if you want a sweet new life YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAINT IT, the hardest part of accomplishing anything is starting, start your new life and make it yours this time, Just take it a little bit at a time, stay relaxed but moving forward, patience is something that I personally have to remind myself actually exists and isn't some lofty insane fictional abstract concept some cruel clown magician told the world existed in order to giggle as we looked hopelessly for it, no you guys are close just have a little patience and you will find patience.. as he giggles sadistically.. Wood find some company (other addicts in recovery), and settle on in for the road (addiction is life long but it gets better quick and in all reality all you have to go back to is hell and then you will have to walk out of there again, really if there was a way to go back and not end up in hell we would all have heard about it, that shit would fly around the world as fast as the internet could carry it, yes the person typing the solution to addiction would probably not be done typing the solution before his friend behind him would be telling him that all their worries were done some one from all the way around the world is almost finished typing the cure to addiction), NO MATTER WHAT!! DON'T FREAK OUT, it just never does any good, have patience your new life will role around, and I will give you my addiction for free if it isn't better than your last.. to get anywhere you need to leave where you are, to get anywhere you need to go, You can do this.. the time for pure enduring is over now its time for a little action. Keep moving forward or you will remain where you are and eventually fall backwards.. LOVE MOTIVATION AND COURAGE!!!

PS your fathers still pulling for you. He can help you find your way.. ask him and then take a chance and listen

 

[JackiePeyton]

You see, this is what scares me. I have been on bupe, for gulp...8 years or so. Crazy huh? Well it works. I feel ok and I live my life. I am on 2mg per day. I am also on a very small dose of Ativan (I am careful with it, don't take before my pee tests, just as needed) and prozac and adderrall. So I had just had my pee test, and the job and combo of turning 40 had me in a bit of an existential funk-not depressed. Well, I had taken the ativan for a week straight, then stopped, I had forgotten my prozac for like a week, I had PMS (I HAVE PMDD) and I had the nastiest case of 3 days of blues and panics at night. I was crying over everything. Now I am back on track. I am happy, not scared to die (I work in a field where I face death every day, I was dwelling on it) and I fine. BUt then again, am I fine? Am I just numb? I feel good though! I really can appreciate what those 3 days gave me, I read and connected with a spiritual side of myself. It was like God was telling me "stop numbing your mind so you can really experience things". But I AM SCARED TO DEATH. I like how I feel right now. Not too up, not down, just la la la. The PAWS is enough to make me never quit. But ultimately I want to taper...slow slow slow. Like as slow as humanly possible. I mean I was on 75 of methadone at one point and got down to 30 to get on bupe. But the last stretch is so hard. I don't know if I ever will. I don't want to. God bless you for getting off of it. You did it! At some point you will have a day that feels a little better, then 2, then 3. Are you on antidepressants? I really hope you are. I would think that would be a good idea. I would hug you if I could.

 

[neversickanymore]

^^ that's allot of things to be on to make it "work".. bezos, amps, buepe, antidepressants.. lets see manipulation of dopamine, gaba, opiat receptors, serintonan.. not attacking you, glad its seems to be working for you.. IMO the best way to get the brain chemistry to return to normal and with that the return of relative happiness and peace even for an addict is to stop manipulating It.. just my two sense.. I really do promote anything that actually allows some one to live a good life!!

 

[JackiePeyton]

You are absolutely right. I think I could get by fine with just a low dose SSRI and benzos for breakthrough. But yeah, before I took any meds at all, I was anxious alot, panic ridden. I called myself manic panic. Sure I went through normal periods. But you have to understand that very severe mental illness runs in my family. I had aunts on my mother's and father's side institutionalized. I have a few cousins with schizophrenia too. SO all in all, if that is what it takes, I am ok with that. I am just glad I am not on an antipsychotic. Though my ADD doc has suggested zyprexa for anxiety. I would like to be off the subs, but the process....well I don't have the ambition to do it. Don't you have to want to? What could I do that would make me feel motivated? The only factor is fear my kids will figure it out (which they will) and use that as an excuse to use themself. But they at least have a father with sane genes....well better than mine. It is actually amazing I am as productive as I am. If you saw my family you would see, lol. Thanks!

 

[neversickanymore]

Considering the schizophrenia lineage and the current anxiety I would try and dump the adderall if you can. adderall directly manipulates dopamine and as you probably know excess dopamine is the most likely cause of Schizophrenia , hence its striking similarity to stimulant psychoses.. a state commonly caused buy amphetamines or other stimulants, so i believe that taking a drug that causes an increase in dopamine and can cause stimulant schizophrenia, would be something to avoid if at all possible. I believe that you may find some real motivation if you are able to just quit one of those substances and give it a long enough time to realize that you feel better way better of that particular drug, this would perhaps give you the motivation and determination to go through the unpleasant effects of getting off them because you you will know that you have a real chance of feeling better without them as well as being able to feel emotions as well as that connected to life or spiritual feeling that you miss because it is so pleasant and powerful and to my knowledge is temporarily destroyed by chronic drug use. Explore the option with your psyc med doc and if you give it a try remember to give it the time to get the neurotransmitters back on line before the attempt is scrapped as a mistake. Good Luck!

 

[Woodsong]

@neversickanymore
That's a hell of a wall of text there... I read and took every word to heart though, so thank you once again...

Thanks to everyone who's responded to my inane ranting, in fact. Part of me hates that I resort to unloading my problems on strangers, but I find even the criticism of my methods in this case to be very helpful to my overall view of the situation... You're all a bunch of wonderful people...

@Nurseebol
My family might as well be the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia... I got the lucky straw, haha........

 

[JackiePeyton]

My ADD doc is of the opinion I should quit the bupe and Ativan. He knows my psych history. He thinks that adderral in the right amount is good. I find him a bit odd myself actually. I do watch how much adderral I take. I take half of a ten mg tab daily. Any more and I get that clenched jaw feeling. I could probably just do without it, u r right. It is the sub I fear leaving the most. But those days I felt like hell were different in my feelings. At least it isn't as bad as before. When I was on methadone I was so numb I couldn't even enjoy music! I drove in silence and didn't care! I do feel now but I am in this superficial happiness.. ..Sadly I don't mind, but I bet I would be more creative and get back to the scrapbooking I enjoy if I at least cut it back. I think that will be my incentive. I haven't scrapbooked lately, although I started the hobby while high in the first place. go figure.