unattractive if girl has had more sex partners than you?

[keystroke]

I think what the original poster meant was it's not very appealing to him, knowing that a girl he may know has slept with more partners than he has.

not that the girl is unattractive, it's just the idea of being the 20th person to get there isn't as good as say, the first couple.

 

[Dino_as]

... its all about being right here right now.

BINGO! %)

Asking questions about someones (sexual) past is tactless. You may not want to hear the answer.

It's all about who they are NOW.

 

[archie]

I detest men with this mindset. This type of bigotry is a huge turn-off and deal breaker, IMO.

Well, it's not intentional for the most part.

I can tell you now I get intimidated by a girl that has slept with more people than me.

It's not a sexism/biogtry thing at all, it's more of

"how will i compare to all those other guys?"
"can I satisfy her?"

Remember, a lot of us were brought up to believe that women should be somewhat more pure than men (I don't care about whether you disagree, that was simply how I was brought up). Finding a women who has been around the block a few times more than you certainly kills off that sort of thinking, and whether I like it or not the word "slut" creeps into the back of my mind.

I honestly try not to think that way, but I honestly can't help it.

 

[keystroke]

+1

 

[archie]

We are not talking about women who cheat. We are talking about women, who when they are single, like to have casual or at least relatively casual sex. Their behaviour when single has NO BEARING on their behaviour when in a monogamous relationship.

Still, if you have a lot of sexual partners it shows a lack of self respect (letting 30 odd different cocks into you isn't that safe anyhow, even with condoms).

That said, I've got some old school beliefs regarding love/sex/marriage. I prefer long term partners.

Each to their own, I suppose.

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

archie, I like your honesty

Still, I REALLY disagree with this:

Still, if you have a lot of sexual partners it shows a lack of self respect (letting 30 odd different cocks into you isn't that safe anyhow, even with condoms).

I hate to drag up this old chestnut again, but how is that showing a lack of self respect? Sex is fun! Many girls can have lots of sex in very self-respectful and fulfilling ways. It's (as you acknowleged) an old fashioned notion that many partners = low self esteem. And it's certainly not a notion that is applied to men.... quite the oppostite... which I see as rather hilarious and hypocritical.

However I'm not bagging you, I really enjoyed reading your posts, and no-one can tell you it's wrong to feel how you feel. It was refreshing to see someone be honest with themselves on this topic.

 

[Fallen1]

At age 25, assuming a woman has been sexually active for say, 9 years, 30 partners is only about 3 partners a year. Nothing remarkable there.

On the other hand, if you have slept with 30 partners within a year or two of becoming sexually active, I would stereotype you as probably emotionally/developmentally fucked up.

It seems to me there are two different issues in play here: the first is worrying about satisfying a girl who has eaten well from the buffet of sexual experiences, and the second is how many partners does it take to indicate a personality flaw, for lack of a less prejudicial term. People are saying that sleeping with a girl who has had more partners with them disturbs them, but for varying reasons.

 

[Wallace80]

There's a fine scene in Four Weddings and A Funeral dealing with this issue. My answer, based on that film, is, er, No. Same in general.

 

[fairnymph]

How liking sex relates to self-respect is beyond me. You are reading way too much into it. For many girls it really just comes down to: sex feels good, sex is fun, and practiced safely, why not enjoy all that?

Having 30 partners isn't necessarily more dangerous than having one. First of all, only hpv can be contracted without condoms, and since the vast majority of sexually active people have one form of it, it's not like it can be avoided, other than by total abstinence.

Alot of it comes down to how you choose your partners. I'm fairly experienced (I had my fun until I met my now-husband 3 years ago), but I've never even had an STD scare, and I believe part of that is due to the fact that I've had good judgement, and I've been careful when it counts.

Then you look at one of my friends, who has only slept with one man, and she has herpes.

So it's not cut and dry and it's silly to assume that someone who's had many partners has STDs or is slutty or whatever. Really, most of the time they JUST LOVE SEX.

I can sort of see where you guys feel like you are competing or being compared...but again, that's your own issue. And if you feel like using the slut word, it's because you don't want to look at your insecurities. That being said, if a woman is with you, don't worry about all those other guys -- clearly they don't matter, or she wouldn't be WITH YOU.

 

[archie]

I hate to drag up this old chestnut again, but how is that showing a lack of self respect? Sex is fun! Many girls can have lots of sex in very self-respectful and fulfilling ways. It's (as you acknowleged) an old fashioned notion that many partners = low self esteem.

I don't know about that - a lack of self respect isn't always the same as low self esteem. It depends on your view of your body, and sex in general.

I prefer to use sex to strengthen the bond I have with someone, rather than just a means to get off - espcially thinking in terms of my partner is letting me into her body. I think that's a pretty big thing.

If sex is so meaningless, why not just sleep with *all* of your friends. Why bother having a monogomous relationship at all, just all have open relationships.

In fact, why bother even wearing clothes in summer... it's just genitals right? nothing private, everyone will see them anyway? (just pushing things further for the sake of argument).

Originally posted by Strawberry_lovemuffin And it's certainly not a notion that is applied to men.... quite the oppostite... which I see as rather hilarious and hypocritical.

I've got just as much disdain for men sleeping around as women. Personally, I've had 4 partners (I'm 23) and I don't intend to go past that (fingers crossed). My partner is at the same number as me.

Part of the reason I think it is worse for women, is as I mentioned above, they are letting someone into their body (and quite often letting them leave something there!). That makes it different to begin with, IMHO.

I heard a saying somewhere that men should be proud of the number of partners they have had, as they have to work to get their conquest... whereas all a women has to do is give it up. There's some truth in that statement.

 

[archie]

Having 30 partners isn't necessarily more dangerous than having one.

Of course it is, it's like lottery tickets... the more you buy, the greater your chances. It is very bad luck to get an STD after only having one parter.

Pretending otherwise is just sticking your head in the sand.

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

If sex is so meaningless, why not just sleep with *all* of your friends.

I do!

I guess we just have different attitudes archie. I don't see how something going into a hole carries more gravity for the 'hole' than the 'something'. It's all how you percieve it.

I do see sex as fun, and to me it's *not* serious. While I think sex can bring together two people in a very beautiful way, I don't think it deserves a religious reverence.

I don't think there's anything wrong with "getting off" and I don't think it harms your ability to be intimate.

That's just me. But I respect your view too.

 

[archie]

well, I *am* catholic, so that's a large part of why I think the way I do, and makes me a bit biased in this case

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

^ Ah I am too but non-practicing.

archie, you're so lucky you don't go to parties with me and s/o. Our antics would have you cowering in the corner saying your rosaries

ps. you and your girl do sound like you have a beautiful relationship... while not relating to your outlook, I do admire it.

 

[archie]

I wasn't catholic until quite late.. so don't worry, I have done a lot more than you might think

I thought we had a beautiful relationship, we were talking about marriage and stuff, but then suddenly she "lost all her feelings for me". She had found out that I bought a ring though, so I think it might just be cold feet? We're on a break now, and talking things out. It looks like we will sort it out, and I really hope we do because I am totally head over heals for the girl

 

[fairnymph]

Of course it is, it's like lottery tickets.

But it's not like lottery tickerts -- did you even read the rest of what I said? It's strongly affected by your judgement. It's not merely up to chance.

 

[archie]

I know what you're saying - there's a difference between just picking someone up from a club and sleeping with them, or sleeping with someone you know fairly well.

But think of this.

If you sleep with 10 people, and they have each slept with 10 people, you've slept with 100 people by 1 degree of seperation.

Even if your partners have been careful, they could have still picked up an STD without knowing it.

 

[Aknum]

To the girls in this thread taking offence to those of us who believe our thoughts are justified, is there a reason why you are taking offence? Lets be totally fair here, if someone was to call you a slut you would probably take offence, yet why is this the case if there is nothing wrong with it? Why would a guy want to go out with a slut any more than a girl would like to be called one?

Seriously, the original poster, worried about his relationship asked a perfectly legitiment question and did not ask to have his emotional state questioned. There is no need to attack him, or any of the guys including myself that think like this. If it really bothers you when people judge you based on your previous sex life then close your legs a little more often.

Sure some just do it to have fun, but of the majority of my female friends which have high figures most of them knocked these figures up while they were in a very emotional and unstable state, others I have seen follow a good streak with a lowered self esteem and less self worth. If you are one of these girls, can you honestly tell me it had no effect on your emotions? Now of these that are my friends and they get all the emotional support I can spare, but I dont want a girlfriend with that kind of baggage.

Most guys wouldnt date a prostitute or ex prostitute, most would date girls with figures in 3 digits, so where do you really draw the line before admitting almost everyone thinks like this just to varying degrees.

 

[nephron]

I know what you're saying - there's a difference between just picking someone up from a club and sleeping with them, or sleeping with someone you know fairly well.

But think of this.

If you sleep with 10 people, and they have each slept with 10 people, you've slept with 100 people by 1 degree of seperation.

Even if your partners have been careful, they could have still picked up an STD without knowing it.

Except that, well, I get STD tests regularly and insist on the same for my partners. So if I did catch something, which is unlikely in itself, it'd get treated pretty quickly.

And I've had the HPV vaccine, so I'm unlikely to contract the high-risk strains of that.

 

[nephron]

Lets be totally fair here, if someone was to call you a slut you would probably take offence, yet why is this the case if there is nothing wrong with it?

Because calling me a slut implies that I shouldn't have the right to enjoy my sexuality, and that doing so means there is something wrong with me.