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Relationships + Drugs Ultimatum.

TheUltimateFixx said:
There isn't one. There hasn't really been a question ever since I got to know him. I have precisely zero doubts about the fact that I want to grow old with this guy.

What I'm questioning is more my ability to stick to what he's asking of me, and in fairness to him it's the only thing he's asking.
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Have you considered long term maintenance?
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
Haha I'm not expecting anyone to tell me what to do with my life. Just using this as a sounding board to help me get my thoughts in order.
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Nobody likes ultimatums. Maybe I'm naive, but I feel that if someone REALLY loves you, they accept you as you are. Frankly, I couldn't be in a relationship where someone threatens to walk out if I "do something" they don't approve of. You either love me the way I am or you can get the fuck out. Know what I mean? Love shouldn't be conditional.
 
Illyria99 said:
Nobody likes ultimatums. Maybe I'm naive, but I feel that if someone REALLY loves you, they accept you as you are. Frankly, I couldn't be in a relationship where someone threatens to walk out if I "do something" they don't approve of. You either love me the way I am or you can get the fuck out. Know what I mean? Love shouldn't be conditional.
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Yes, although I don't know the extent / severity of the OP's drug use.

Is it destroying his life? Is he going to die if he keeps going? Is it causing pain to everyone around him?

From what I've read, it doesn't seem like that is the case... but I suspect his partner is trying to protect him for fear that he will relapse hard and seriously hurt himself.

My parents always tried to discourage ANY drug use because they loved me. It was misguided, but it still came from love.
 
Illyria99 said:
Nobody likes ultimatums. Maybe I'm naive, but I feel that if someone REALLY loves you, they accept you as you are. Frankly, I couldn't be in a relationship where someone threatens to walk out if I "do something" they don't approve of. You either love me the way I am or you can get the fuck out. Know what I mean? Love shouldn't be conditional.
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The thing is this.

1. It was pretty clear early in the relationship from some comments he made about drug use, that use of anything other than weed & alcohol was a big NO for him. In fact a deal breaker. I did not tell him I was a heroin user until 5 yrs into things. I think if I'd been him I'd have left right there and then because you could say I essentially tricked him into a relationship with me.

2. You also need to TRUST your partner, and I broke his trust twice.

3. I know for a fact (because I've known the man he is for years) that if the situation was reversed and I made us staying together conditional on him giving up a thing he enjoyed, he would do it. Like I could ask him to stop smoking (which he uses for stress relief) or never eat another one of his favourite cheese pies all his life, and he actually bloody WOULDN'T. I actually put that question to him ; the answer was unequivocal.
So what the hell am I dithering about here.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
The thing is this.

1. It was pretty clear early in the relationship from some comments he made about drug use, that use of anything other than weed & alcohol was a big NO for him. In fact a deal breaker. I did not tell him I was a heroin user until 5 yrs into things. I think if I'd been him I'd have left right there and then because you could say I essentially tricked him into a relationship with me.

2. You also need to TRUST your partner, and I broke his trust twice.

3. I know for a fact (because I've known the man he is for years) that if the situation was reversed and I made us staying together conditional on him giving up a thing he enjoyed, he would do it. Like I could ask him to stop smoking (which he uses for stress relief) or never eat another one of his favourite cheese pies all his life, and he actually bloody WOULDN'T. I actually put that question to him ; the answer was unequivocal.
So what the hell am I dithering about here.
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Sounds like he really loves you. You’re lucky.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
It was pretty clear early in the relationship from some comments he made about drug use, that use of anything other than weed & alcohol was a big NO for him.
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Maybe try to explain him that objectively alcohol ain't really a better option. Tho I guess he considers legality of stuff too into his equation of what's ok and what's not.
 
SpiralusSancti said:
Maybe try to explain him that objectively alcohol ain't really a better option. Tho I guess he considers legality of stuff too into his equation of what's ok and what's not.
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He does consider that, because if I get caught out that implicates him, if we want to legally live together with him being an immigrant. Then there's the risk of overdose . Then there's the fact he just hates junkies categorically, which I can't blame him for since the town in which he lives is full of them, and they're usually also criminals.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
I'm scared I might not be able to keep that promise 100%. And scared of the consequences if I don't.

... I honestly don't find life worth living without him but likewise contemplating never taking another hit, NEVER getting to feel that way again absolutely goes against the grain.
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I understand that you love him, but does that mean you'll be living in a state of fear for the duration of your relationship? We're addicts, and there's absolutely NO guarantee that we'll stay clean forever.

My heart goes out to you. 💕
 
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Illyria99 said:
I understand that you love him, but does that mean you'll be living in a state of fear for the duration of your relationship? We're addicts, and there's absolutely NO guarantee that we'll stay clean forever.

My heart goes out to you. 💕
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To be definite, I no longer consider myself an addict as I have not used 'addictively' for years by now, and been content.

I don't struggle with some urge to be using constantly ; I struggle with the idea of not being allowed something I find very pleasurable even ON OCCASION.

I'm totally good with once a week, once every two weeks, every other month, 3 times a year, however far you wanna stretch that. I'm not good with a categorical 'NEVER AGAIN, not even one single time'.

To be fair it's at the same level of being forbidden a favourite food these days. Yeah I don't HAVE to have that. But I just bloody well WANT it every now and again. And this creates conflict ; both internally and within the relationship.
 
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