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ULTIMATUM: ME or DRUGS

Z

zekkez

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 9, 2012
Messages
1
Hello everyone,
i have a dilema. My girl told me its either her or the drugs. Up until this point we both smoked weed daily, rolled occasionally and did few acid trips, but now she convinced herself that she has a problem with drugs and wants to stop, so she obviously wants me to stop too (btw, we're moving in together in 2 months) . I on the other hand think that i don't problem with drugs, weed is the only daily drug for me, i think they enhance my life and not make it worth. I am well read about drugs and know how to properly enjoy them without ever loosing control or doing any harm to myself or others.
I dont want to loose her and at the same time i don't want to loose that excitement that drugs bring into my life. So what should i do? or how to convince her that happy healthy meaningful life can coexist with drugs?
or am i being delusional and she is right?

btw im 26, if that makes any difference

weed: daily
mdma: 2/months
lsd: 1-2/months
ketamine: 1-2/week
 
What happens if she wanted you to stop any other aspect of your life you deem important? If you get stoned and are unable to move every day etc then Its a bigger problem than a couple of smokes to chill out with (and still be functioning).

Love / relationships is about compromise but not to the point that your no longer 'you'.

Is she maybe quitting smoking to give you the hint that you need to cut back?
 
You should keep a few things in mind ask yourself do you truly love her and want to make her happy? Sometimes in love you have to sacrifice things. If she is willing to leave you over your drug use because she fears that you may be holding her back from a healthy/drug free life. This means you have a choice either her or drugs. The ball is in your court. I'm sure that if you love her enough she alone should make you more happy than drugs ever will. My 2cents.
 
drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs

they will always be there for you.

but then when you're done with drugs don't switch to an addiction to women.

eventually be done with the drugs and the women and be ok being alone and then after being alone for awhile find someone to be with where there are no opportunities for ultimatum situations.

the fact that you're in an ultimatum situation is evidence that a lot of things are wrong

---

choose neither.
 
It sounds like you don't think she has a problem, presumably because you do the same amounts, and you're fine with it? Does she think that because she has a problem, you must have a problem too?

If she let you carry on as normal, but she quit completely, would you still want to be with her? Or are you thinking "TAKE DRUGS or LOSE ME?"


I think you need to talk to her about what she thinks the problem is. Try to hear her out without arguing your point. Maybe she feels she's grown too dependent on them, and doubts her ability to relax/have fun without them. Maybe she doesn't feel that way, but has crossed some inner dotted line that says "this is too much". Maybe they're having a negative effect on her life or health. Maybe she's fine with it but doesn't want it to go on forever. Maybe she's just bored of it.

You're two separate people - hopefully you'll be able to acknowledge her concerns about her use and explain that you don't have the same concerns about your use.

"Me or drugs" does sound quite extreme from what you've said. How far would you be willing to compromise? Would you be willing to quit for a while, or cut down? Have some drug free days? Not use in front of her?

I don't think she's right, and I don't think you're delusional. I do think it sounds like you need to talk about this a lot more than you have.
 
Been with my boyfriend for over three years, he's been a drug user the whole time, I have been for two and a half years (ish). We've lived together for one of those years. It's still working out... but you've got to be on the same page.

I feel like it could go two ways. 1) She's controlling and shouldn't be giving you that ultimatum. 2) You actually have a problem and it is because of drugs.

Anyway, why does she think she has a drug problem? What IS the problem? How is it negatively effecting her or you?

The thing is... if I had to say which one I'd choose (in my life), I'd choose my boyfriend over drugs, hands down. BUT if it was him that made me choose, I would not choose him anymore. But, I don't know you, so I'm not sure if you actually DO have a drug problem. If you do, then it could be serious, and it is something you should look into.

But seriously, just talk to her. It might not be as crazy as you think. Definitely figure this out before you move in with her though!!
 
Llama pretty much nailed it, Talk to her to get her full reasoning before making any decision, did you yourself ever notice any problems stemming from her drug use?

"or am i being delusional and she is right?" The fact that you're open to the possibility that you're delusional is often a good sign that you're not ;)
 
My wife Mary Jane, ill never get divorced.
If drugs are a big part if your life. You deserve someone who can be chill about what substances you put in your body or there will most likely be mucho problems ahead.
That's how I feel at least
 
ketamine twice a week is too often

constant weed is a financial drain

the drugs you are taking the most are probably the ones that piss her off the most.

maybe it is draining your finances if you are saving up for deposit for a place together
 
Everyone is kind of blind to their own drug use. Your partner considers she has a problem and wants to stop. Are you seriously considering drugs over someone you're supposed to love and care about? That indicates that you have a problem.

If you're not going to stop, at least cut down. While she's going sober, you're a huge trigger in her life. Sure it was kind of a dick move for her to give you an ultimatum, but think about what she's going through. She's trying to get clean for her own good and you're ignoring this even though you're supposed to be moving in together.
 
you're in a tough spot here.

you could end the relationship, and be "the guy that cared more about drugs than love." that's not a good feeling or a good look.

or you could quit doing everything, despite the fact that you don't want to and don't think you need to. you'll likely resent her, and she will likely have a hard time trusting you (because she knows this is a response to her threat, not something you want for yourself).

the only way i see this working out is if you have a very open conversation where both of you are willing to make some pretty big compromises. i don't think you're going to be comfortable in the relationship (or especially your shared home) if you're banned from all recreational substances - that's a recipe for resentment and sneaking around. but i think she's going to lose faith in you if you're not able to even moderate your use for her benefit. unfortunately, the positions you've staked out are both really far from the middle ground you need to get to.

but before you talk to her about this, you need to consider whether or not drugs really are causing problems in your life. it doesn't sound like you're out of control, but i have seen negative consequences from smaller habits than yours. are you spending more money than you can afford? are you doing well in other areas of your life (school, work, family, etc)? is your social life tethered to your drug use? does she have fun spending time with you even when you're stoned and she's not? if you can acknowledge and mitigate any harms that drugs may be causing, it will hopefully make her more comfortable trusting you to find acceptable avenues to indulge your interests.
 
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double ewe said:
you could end the relationship, and be "the guy that cared more about drugs than love." that's not a good feeling or a good look.

or you could quit doing everything, despite the fact that you don't want to and don't think you need to. you'll likely resent her, and she will likely have a hard time trusting you (because she knows this is a response to her threat, not something you want for yourself).
Click to expand...

This sums it up really well! Kind of what I was trying to say, but you explained it much better :)
It is tough... there are pros and cons of going either way (obviously :P)
 
Re-distributed said:
Everyone is kind of blind to their own drug use. Your partner considers she has a problem and wants to stop. Are you seriously considering drugs over someone you're supposed to love and care about? That indicates that you have a problem.

If you're not going to stop, at least cut down. While she's going sober, you're a huge trigger in her life. Sure it was kind of a dick move for her to give you an ultimatum, but think about what she's going through. She's trying to get clean for her own good and you're ignoring this even though you're supposed to be moving in together.
Click to expand...

I usually feel pretty much on the same page with your posts Re-dist, but I really disagree with this.

I don't think this is an either/or situation - that if he is considering continuing, it means he has a problem. Loving someone, but also wanting to enjoy drugs, aren't mutually exclusive. I don't see this issue as being a question of what he would choose if he absolutely had to make a choice of her or the drugs. To me, it's an issue of why he has to make this choice.

There are a lot of unknowns in this situation, and a lot of background we don't know, but the ultimatum comes across as a threat. Perhaps there are real reasons for it, but I don't think it is acceptable behaviour to try and control your partner's behaviour with threats to leave them if they don't conform. Saying he's a trigger, that she's trying to do this for her own good and so on, are assumptions. They could be true, but the respectful way for her to deal with this would be to say that to him - 'I feel like drugs are negatively affecting my life, I've decided to stop, and when you use, it puts this in jeopardy.' Maybe she has said that, but that information hasn't been provided, so I feel it's baseless to assume the guy has the problem, rather than him being legitimately put out that his girlfriend is trying to control his behaviour and then using this as proof of his love.

As an ex crazy meth head, I've made a decision for myself that I can't be around that anymore. I can respect that decision, if that's hers, but my boyfriend still uses it and I've just told him not to use it around me. I feel like it's reasonable for me to make a decision about my own life, but not about his. I don't think it's my spot to dictate his behaviour outside of that. Even in a relationship, you're still two separate people with two separate lives, and I think that should be respected. Maybe this is why this thread strikes a chord with me.
 
I know its annoying when someone gets clean and they decide you have a drug problem. Thing is when people get clean they think thing like if I have to, they should or its time so and so grew up. Its a touchy subject.

I always picked drugs if it was an ultimatum. There have been times where I have gotten clean and it ended relationships. I had to get clean cuz of charges or I was reaallly strung out or I had an abcess, that type of stuff. But anyways usually the woman I were dating didnt like me once I got clean. But there are factors to consider.

First off your not on the ultra addictive drugs IMO. So it wouldnt be the end of the world to quit. Its not like quitting shooting smack or drinking a fifth a day cuz thats rough man, you have to go to the hospital or get on methadone. Also ask yourself do you wanna settle down. Another thing to consider is does she want you to get your act together or get completly drug free cuz there is a big difference.

Maybe you could get a compromise where you are both comfortable. Like just smoke weed for example.
 
just start getting drunk all the time. Or go get scripted benzos and amphetamines from your Dr and start smoking a shit load of cigarettes. Then you can be, "i'm prescribed these medications for a reason and you can't discriminate against me because of my underlying medical conditions."

seriously though, that'd be a big red flag for me, she's clearly brainwashed from drug education/propaganda. And is even more so a hypocrite. It's your life, you do what you want, regardless of the consequences, don't ever willingly let someone take that from you.

she's likely bluffing anyway, my gf says no needles but i know for sure i could be shooting dilaudid 6x day and she wouldn't leave so long as i could support my habit with my own money (funny how that'd be the biggest issue). Anyway, you're only smoking weed (and occasionally other drugs, though 1-2x/week of ketamine is a bit much, it's still your choice). My friend's gf was like that too once, she'd actually get in a fight with him about getting high with me, then i turned her into a massive stoner, problem solved. You could also just throw it back at her and say it's either me and drugs or no me.

it's not like OP is shooting heroin and his gf is an ex-heroin addict. That's an entirely different situation.
 
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drugs cost money

are you trying to save up as a couple?

i cant understand why people are not seeing this as a money issue.

drugs are expensive, when you spend money on them there is less for things like deposits for a flat/house (even if you are renting)
 
Although I do understand the money issue, if the OP is smart about things, that shouldn't be an issue. Asking to give up drugs because of a money issue is like asking to give up a hobby. My boyfriend is a DJ, so he spends money on music, DJ equipment, computer stuff, etc. He could be saving that money for a house but that isn't really fair of me to tell him to give that up. I wouldn't ask him to give up drugs either, based on simply the money issue.
 
llama112 said:
Although I do understand the money issue, if the OP is smart about things, that shouldn't be an issue. Asking to give up drugs because of a money issue is like asking to give up a hobby. My boyfriend is a DJ, so he spends money on music, DJ equipment, computer stuff, etc. He could be saving that money for a house but that isn't really fair of me to tell him to give that up. I wouldn't ask him to give up drugs either, based on simply the money issue.
Click to expand...

^^ At least he's got something to show for his money & music/DJing etc adds personality to an individual.
Taking drugs doesn't.

Spending money on recreational drugs. Especially daily. Is a massive waste of money.
 
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