Trying to quit H/fentanyl after relapse, terrifed

[Nurse Ratched]

Hi Pumpkin2021,
Whatever you think is best.
You know the board best.
As long as I can find this post, it's all good.
An update.
I got to taking 1/4 of a 2mg bupe.
I got the pure bupes, generic, not with naloxone. Naloxone give me the shakes and anxiety real bad. My dr is great. He knows me, knows I won't abuse anything he gives me, that I want to be clean. I'm not just playing games.
So that helps a lot.

Anyway. Took .5 mg, 4 times a day, yesterday.
Taking 1mg, 4 times a day today.
So far, I feel ok.
Not sick at all, but today, I do feel like something is working.
I'm not totally numb.
I haven't been high, or nodding, for years.
The H/fent. , just keeps me functioning. I don't really feel anything, no matter how much I do.
So, I'm happy so far.
Just keep praying, I can keep doubling my dose, every day.
I'm splitting it up, so taking whatever dose, 4 or 6 times a day, so there's no shock on my body. Just getting it in me, a little at a time, letting it build up.
Just a little edgy today, but guess that's what it feels like to be clean, more or less.
I have always been high speed, high metabolism, my whole life.
Hard to just relax. Fishing, is only thing I can just get lost in. Bought an old boat, but haven't been out in about 2 years cause of my habit. So that's my goal. Get out n catch some walleye n white bass, in WI, soon as ice is off lakes.
I'm gonna keep doubling my dose, every day. Until I hit about 12mg/day.
Then see if i can get by without using any H, at all.
I've been using less h, as I go up on my bupes.
I hate to, but I have to keep some here, in case I go into PW...
Once I make it a day or 2, without having to use H, I'll flush it all instantly.
From my past, I should be ok at about 12, 16mg. But, with this H laced with feet, its a new game to me.
Just keep moving forward, praying, and trying to stay positive.
Positive is the hard part. But, doin ok so far.
This thread, and all of you, do help a lot.
Thanks to all of you.
And Nas, really, thank you man....
I know its possible, just not easy...
I will get through this.
And once I do, if anyone is in my area, and wants to hit central WI, for some great fishing, that's where I'll be, several times a month.
Anyone sober is welcome to join me, anytime.
I'll try to keep posting every day, so it helps others.
Thanks everyone.
You all help me keep a positive attitude.
That makes a huge difference.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays to all.

I just now saw this post to me. I know you are trying your hardest and it shows from your post. Sorry I missed your happy holiday greeting....right back 'atcha but the new year is almost here. This sounds sorny as hell but try and make 2022 Trying's year to succeed in all areas that you want to succeed in. Bluelight peeps will be rooting for ya all the way.

Only reason I wanted this moved as it's a good thread. The Dark Side or Health and recovery get so much more traffic. Which means more hits and more comments and more help. You could easily find it ( not only in your notifications ) but instead of going in NMI to post your thread you would just go to the forum that it is moved to. So if it was in H & R you just click on that subforum and your thread is now there ( probably within the first 1-10 threads. Real easy to find. Your call...let me know.

Keep on keepin on man.

 

[Trying123]

Sorry, I haven't checked in on here. Been a rough week with holiday. ...
I've still only been taking 2 mg a day of bupe.
1/4 pill every 4 to 6 hours.
Started gabapentin 400mg, and 10mg diazapam, yesterday, every 6 hrs.
It's been 24 hours since I've used any H.
And I feel ok. Just the anxiety and worry, that I might get sick. But, I'm fighting it I slept like 8 hours last night, which is unusual for me. Usually only sleep like 3,4 hours at a time. Wake up, have a smoke, back to bed, lay for hour or 2, then get another 2,3 hours sleep. I have never slept much, my entire life. I'm too high speed. Guess that's why I slowed H so much, made me feel normal.
I just keep telling myself, I got it this time.
I do get pretty bad withdrawal, but it's also a mind game. Have to convince myself, I'm not sick, I'm only feeling what it's like to be clean again.
A little past history, I started using everything, except H, at age 16, from 18 to 27, I sold coke, big time. I'm talking 10k a day sometimes. Just partied it away at bars, and fishing trips, with lots of jack Daniel's, acid, mushrooms, and 1 ounce a day habits..lots of weed. Got into freebasing, at age 25,26...
Tried H, once, and it was over. Started shooting a month later. So from 27, to now, other than a few times in county jail, and 2 years ago, for 14 months, I've been stuck on H. Watched my life go from doing anything I wanted, 50k$ in my pocket, at all times, to living under a bridge, by RR tracks, in 10 years. Stopped shooting about 5 years ago, had no more veins. So, my whole life, has been on drugs. And I mean a lot. 5th of jack a day, case of beer a day, 10,20 hits of acid at a time, lots of coke n weed. Just did as much as I could. Just got tired of wasting money, cause I quit dealing, 1 day before feds raided my house. I just got a bad feeling one day. Things were too good, for too long, gave everything to a friend, 12 hours later, my door was kicked in. Always believe that little thought in the back of your head. It's there for a reason. Anyway, 24 hours, no H, and I'm going to make it. I have dr appt on Monday, 4 days from now. Couldn't get in sooner. But, I have enough meds, to get me thru. Just little low on diazapam. Only 13 left. So have to ration them out. Only have a little runny nose, n a little anxiety, that I may still get sick. But, I'm fighting it. No H in the house, no money to get It. I only pray, I make it this time. I will try to check in tomorrow, for everyone. Thanks for all the help..

 

[Nas47]

Sorry, I haven't checked in on here. Been a rough week with holiday. ...
I've still only been taking 2 mg a day of bupe.
1/4 pill every 4 to 6 hours.
Started gabapentin 400mg, and 10mg diazapam, yesterday, every 6 hrs.
It's been 24 hours since I've used any H.
And I feel ok. Just the anxiety and worry, that I might get sick. But, I'm fighting it I slept like 8 hours last night, which is unusual for me. Usually only sleep like 3,4 hours at a time. Wake up, have a smoke, back to bed, lay for hour or 2, then get another 2,3 hours sleep. I have never slept much, my entire life. I'm too high speed. Guess that's why I slowed H so much, made me feel normal.
I just keep telling myself, I got it this time.
I do get pretty bad withdrawal, but it's also a mind game. Have to convince myself, I'm not sick, I'm only feeling what it's like to be clean again.
A little past history, I started using everything, except H, at age 16, from 18 to 27, I sold coke, big time. I'm talking 10k a day sometimes. Just partied it away at bars, and fishing trips, with lots of jack Daniel's, acid, mushrooms, and 1 ounce a day habits..lots of weed. Got into freebasing, at age 25,26...
Tried H, once, and it was over. Started shooting a month later. So from 27, to now, other than a few times in county jail, and 2 years ago, for 14 months, I've been stuck on H. Watched my life go from doing anything I wanted, 50k$ in my pocket, at all times, to living under a bridge, by RR tracks, in 10 years. Stopped shooting about 5 years ago, had no more veins. So, my whole life, has been on drugs. And I mean a lot. 5th of jack a day, case of beer a day, 10,20 hits of acid at a time, lots of coke n weed. Just did as much as I could. Just got tired of wasting money, cause I quit dealing, 1 day before feds raided my house. I just got a bad feeling one day. Things were too good, for too long, gave everything to a friend, 12 hours later, my door was kicked in. Always believe that little thought in the back of your head. It's there for a reason. Anyway, 24 hours, no H, and I'm going to make it. I have dr appt on Monday, 4 days from now. Couldn't get in sooner. But, I have enough meds, to get me thru. Just little low on diazapam. Only 13 left. So have to ration them out. Only have a little runny nose, n a little anxiety, that I may still get sick. But, I'm fighting it. No H in the house, no money to get It. I only pray, I make it this time. I will try to check in tomorrow, for everyone. Thanks for all the help..

I guess you know very well hard life bro-sufferings,pain,jails,madhouses;betrayls...dont know how old are you,but you struggling....I hope that you are relatively young and will survive.Life is shit for many.Many got no reason to live.Everything is just fake-food,often relationships even drugs.Wish you from my better myself to find peace,safe harbour,home.....love.Be blessed!

 

[Trying123]

Hey Nas, glad u still around. U help a lot.
Dam, I'll be 50 in few months.
Let myself get outa shape, last 2 years, skinny, too much drugs, n cigs, not eating right, not doing much cause of covid.
Those 14 months I was clean, 2 years ago, I ate like a MF. Love cooking huge, great meals. Hunting, fishing, eating fresh foods, worked out every other day, and construction work, kept me good. Met a great woman from down south. True hillbilly. Great heart, n she been thru a lot too, so we hit it off great.
She back down with her family, but wants to visit. Gota get myself straight, she'd flip if she seen me now.
Ya, I've seen it all, done it all. Everything except settling down with a great woman. I always knew, that would be the only thing to save me. But I'll never stop trying by myself.
Only thing I worry about, is what I've done to my body.. at age 30, dr told me I had the heart of a 50 year old.. smh... my veins are coming back slowly. I tripped out, when I seen one last year. Lol. I goya stop using. And most importantly, quit smoking. Lungs are killing me. Really think only reason I didn't die, when I got covid 6 months ago, was I had too much drugs in my body, for thee virus to handle. And I know 3 other people, said same thing. I didn't even feel covid, other than a bad head ache, cause I'm used to feeling like shit. Just the norm for me lately.
I goofed up, took a nap, 6 hr nap, now ill be up all night, bored, but tired.
So, I'm pushing the subs I'm me. Almost up to 6mg, in last 24hrs. Nothing else to do.
I take .5 or 1mg, every hr or 2.
Spent 30 min, on phone, talking to my dr, 2 days ago. He really cares so much about helping people, plus, he knows I'm serious about it,.. he actually took time, while he was in Florida Keys, with his family, to call me back. Best guy I ever found, and it was an accident. Dr ibwas supposed to see then,, got sick, closed, and I just googled any dr close to me, found him, was in his office in 2 hours. So great guy.
I'll be ok, if I can convince myself, I'm not going to be sick, if I don't use. It's just the feeling of being clean again. Only downside, is that whole 14 months I was clean, I only slept like 2 hours, every or 2 or 3 nights.
Lots of guitar playing at night.
I played for 20 years, quit when I got bad on H, sold everything. Picjed it up again, when I met that girl from the south. Like the songs say, nothing is like a back country woman, nothing .... lol I've been around, when I was dealing coke, years ago, and not 1 woman even comes close. But that aside.
All I care about now, is getting clean, getting healthy again. Getting my business back to making huge money, and going fishing.
Supposed to move to a lodge, work n run it. My dream job, dream life. Opportunity is still there, for now. So I gotta do this now. Chicago is getting bad. All of it. Ain't safe no more. Just about have to carry a gun when I leave my house, and I'm a felon. Can't have one... ya, right. My life is more important, I will carry, deal with the consequences, if I have to. Until I can move. The news don't show it, nut 10 to 15 dead, a day. 100 shot, a day. Weekends are more. I'm in a decent area, but have to go thru other parts all the time. But again, that's all later.
Getting clean, healthy, n living, is #1.
Il keep u all posted.
Gonna try to hit 8mg, before I go to bed again. Almost there. By sat, I should be able to stop. If not, I see doc on Monday.
Get more good 400 gabapentin, 10mg diazapam, n some clonidine. Knock myself out a day or 2, so when I wake up, I know I have 48 hours, and I'm not sick.
Be a huge help to me mentally.
But, for anyone trying to get on bupes from fentanyl, take it slow, use only what H, u need to function. And take .5mg bupe, every few hours, double it every 2 days or so. Use less H, as often as possible. I only got PW, when I tried too fast, and took a whole 2mg, at once, on day 3. I'm at about a week, maybe more. And up to almost 8 mg a day. .5 at a time. Gonna try taking 1mg, at a time, slowly, tmro. I should be ok. I only use, take a little bump out of a 10$ bag, when I feel the buoe hit me wrong, but never stop taking the bupe, just slow down, if u have to.
Once I'm at 8 or 12mg, I should be totally fine......
Thanks again.
I hope this helps someone else.
I know many, many people, having a hard time going from H/fentanyl, to buprenorphine. It's hard. But this is the way to do it. And so u all know, I am a puss... when it comes to withdrawals. I fold fast.
But, this is working.
It's just a stretched out version of the Bernese method. It is working. Just in my head now.
Thank you.
Best wishes to all trying.

 

[Nas47]

Hey Nas, glad u still around. U help a lot.
Dam, I'll be 50 in few months.
Let myself get outa shape, last 2 years, skinny, too much drugs, n cigs, not eating right, not doing much cause of covid.
Those 14 months I was clean, 2 years ago, I ate like a MF. Love cooking huge, great meals. Hunting, fishing, eating fresh foods, worked out every other day, and construction work, kept me good. Met a great woman from down south. True hillbilly. Great heart, n she been thru a lot too, so we hit it off great.
She back down with her family, but wants to visit. Gota get myself straight, she'd flip if she seen me now.
Ya, I've seen it all, done it all. Everything except settling down with a great woman. I always knew, that would be the only thing to save me. But I'll never stop trying by myself.
Only thing I worry about, is what I've done to my body.. at age 30, dr told me I had the heart of a 50 year old.. smh... my veins are coming back slowly. I tripped out, when I seen one last year. Lol. I goya stop using. And most importantly, quit smoking. Lungs are killing me. Really think only reason I didn't die, when I got covid 6 months ago, was I had too much drugs in my body, for thee virus to handle. And I know 3 other people, said same thing. I didn't even feel covid, other than a bad head ache, cause I'm used to feeling like shit. Just the norm for me lately.
I goofed up, took a nap, 6 hr nap, now ill be up all night, bored, but tired.
So, I'm pushing the subs I'm me. Almost up to 6mg, in last 24hrs. Nothing else to do.
I take .5 or 1mg, every hr or 2.
Spent 30 min, on phone, talking to my dr, 2 days ago. He really cares so much about helping people, plus, he knows I'm serious about it,.. he actually took time, while he was in Florida Keys, with his family, to call me back. Best guy I ever found, and it was an accident. Dr ibwas supposed to see then,, got sick, closed, and I just googled any dr close to me, found him, was in his office in 2 hours. So great guy.
I'll be ok, if I can convince myself, I'm not going to be sick, if I don't use. It's just the feeling of being clean again. Only downside, is that whole 14 months I was clean, I only slept like 2 hours, every or 2 or 3 nights.
Lots of guitar playing at night.
I played for 20 years, quit when I got bad on H, sold everything. Picjed it up again, when I met that girl from the south. Like the songs say, nothing is like a back country woman, nothing .... lol I've been around, when I was dealing coke, years ago, and not 1 woman even comes close. But that aside.
All I care about now, is getting clean, getting healthy again. Getting my business back to making huge money, and going fishing.
Supposed to move to a lodge, work n run it. My dream job, dream life. Opportunity is still there, for now. So I gotta do this now. Chicago is getting bad. All of it. Ain't safe no more. Just about have to carry a gun when I leave my house, and I'm a felon. Can't have one... ya, right. My life is more important, I will carry, deal with the consequences, if I have to. Until I can move. The news don't show it, nut 10 to 15 dead, a day. 100 shot, a day. Weekends are more. I'm in a decent area, but have to go thru other parts all the time. But again, that's all later.
Getting clean, healthy, n living, is #1.
Il keep u all posted.
Gonna try to hit 8mg, before I go to bed again. Almost there. By sat, I should be able to stop. If not, I see doc on Monday.
Get more good 400 gabapentin, 10mg diazapam, n some clonidine. Knock myself out a day or 2, so when I wake up, I know I have 48 hours, and I'm not sick.
Be a huge help to me mentally.
But, for anyone trying to get on bupes from fentanyl, take it slow, use only what H, u need to function. And take .5mg bupe, every few hours, double it every 2 days or so. Use less H, as often as possible. I only got PW, when I tried too fast, and took a whole 2mg, at once, on day 3. I'm at about a week, maybe more. And up to almost 8 mg a day. .5 at a time. Gonna try taking 1mg, at a time, slowly, tmro. I should be ok. I only use, take a little bump out of a 10$ bag, when I feel the buoe hit me wrong, but never stop taking the bupe, just slow down, if u have to.
Once I'm at 8 or 12mg, I should be totally fine......
Thanks again.
I hope this helps someone else.
I know many, many people, having a hard time going from H/fentanyl, to buprenorphine. It's hard. But this is the way to do it. And so u all know, I am a puss... when it comes to withdrawals. I fold fast.
But, this is working.
It's just a stretched out version of the Bernese method. It is working. Just in my head now.
Thank you.
Best wishes to all trying.

Glad for your struggle.I am a puss when it comes to withdrawl,just like anybody else dont worry about that.Feel somehow that you would succeed -to transfere on bupre and stop other opioids.You are close to that.After that you probably would able to handle with your life-start a busyness,go fishing(i like this too).Love is great.Keep it,hold it hard and let stay with you always.To meet right person is a gift from God.I am almost 50 too.Cleaned up hep C virus before two years,but 25 years with that took his toll.My liver is with fibrosis,stomach hurts bad sometimes after thousands of pills...dont know-gastritis in best.Most damage from decades of use is on my brain for sure.When you transfere fully on subs and quit iv use,avoid drinking and try to quitt smoking your health will improve for sure.Yes I heard that Chicago is the wild west of US now....too much shootings and dead.Keep posting when you can.Respect.

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Hey there @Trying123 and welcome.

I know this "seesaw" all to well. I just started my subs again today and even though i had 4mg at once im still sitting here with tremors, cold sweats, fuzzy mind and rls but not heavy just lightly, it comes and goes. But nothing as bad as if i tried to cold turkey. I cant comment on the fent cause it hasnt hit our shores yet, so i normally just wait roughly 20-24 hrs after my last binge and take subs to get off the H. But what does help with all is some benzos (diazepam preferably), gabapentin for RLS and emodium. But this is for the time you have to wait to get back on the subs. It sucks and is not full proof recipe but helps me get through 24 hrs so i can take the subs but seeing its fent also and from what everyone says about having to wait roughly 3 days, then it's gonna suck. The comfort meds will help but also only that much. Just stay strong and stay away from any bad influences or people or stuff that's gonna want you to take again.

I really wish you the best and feel free to pm me if you want or start a recovery thread as mentioned. Bluelight and myself will be here to support in every and anyway we can

Regards
CoffeeShroom

 

[Trying123]

Thank you.
I think I made it.
Been trying on n off since holidays, but last 10 days, I started at .5mg subs, at a time, 2mg day, for 3 days. Then went to 1mg sub, 4x a day, For 4 days. I did try taking whole 2mg on 7th day, but hit me wrong....
Yesterday was day 8, took .5, ever hour. And I pushed to 6mg. Before bed, took whole 2mg, and after laying for 3 hours, finally slept ok. No bad effects. So for day 8, I got 8mg in me, mostly a little at a time. I just wanted to see if I could handle a whole 2mg, and I was fine..

Now, I have been taking 400 gabapentin, 2, to 4 times a day, depending how I felt.
And 10mg diazapam, when needed, which wasn't often, mainly bed time.
Dr also gave me Ativan, 1mg. Those did help, when I got the shakes, and rls/anxiety.

Also, was using $30 H/fent., daily.
Once I started subs, I only tooted a little at a time, just enough to get me normal, if subs hit me wrong. Used less each day.
I have a great dr. He couldn't advise this, cause of laws and beliefs, her in US. But in Canada, they give u bupe, and opioid, in a hospital, raise the bupe, lower the opiod, for 5 days, then leave feeling OK, just on bupe.
A friend lives up there, said it was painless.
US drs, frown on that principle. Lol

From my 25 years of knowledge, just on H, many other years before, on huge amounts of weed (which is best med for anything), acid and ounce a day coccaine, you do what works, to get off, no matter what.

Back to detox or bupe induction....
Today is day 9, to whole 2mg, when I woke,
2 hours ago. Took another 2mg, as I'm writing this.
I feel ok. A little anxiety, because it's in my head to do a line, but, I know I don't need it.
I will check back in tonight.
Praying, today is the day, I won't have to use H..... I think I made it...
Goal today, not use any H, get up to 12, 16 mg bupe, 2 mg, every 2 hrs, and slow down on the gabs, benzos.
I'm going to just take 1, 400 gab, and see how day goes.
I will check in tonight, let you know how it went.
Thanks for all the help.
Such a weight off my back. I can get back to working, building my business, and walleye season starts in 3 months or less.
I'll be working on my boat, out in the cold, so I'm ready to go. Been 2 years since I've fished, and that is the main thing I love.
Short story, many years trying to quit, methadone, rehabs, jail, did it all.
A friend took me on a fishing trip for a week, so I had to bring lots of H.
Anyway, I remembered, how much I love being outdoors, especially fishing.
After that trip, I called everywhere, went everywhere, until I found this dr now.
Combination of me being determined to be clean, and have a life, and a good dr, a dr that listens to what I'm going thru, and adjusts for it. A dr that cares.
Not just the same old, here's your subs, 5mg Valium, and 1mg chlonidine, it's up to you, pay me....
You do have to want it yourself, more than anything in the world, you have to want to get clean, but, having a dr that will listen to you, adjust your meds, for what your going thru, makes a huge difference.
So, today is the day, no H, up to 12 or 16mg bupe, and I'm good to go.
I'll post tonight, tell you how it went.
Everyone, thanks for the help, the encouragement, believing, etc.
I'm going to keep posting, try to help someone else. I've been thru it all, I know a lot, and hope I can help.
I know everyone is different, no single thing will work for everyone. But try, experiment, just be safe, and never give up.
Believe in yourself. That is the most important thing.
Thanks.....
Ttyl

 

[Trying123]

Well, made it thru today. 9pm here.
I'm laughing as I type this ..lol
I can't remember exactly how many bupes I took today. SMH.... Just knew that they weren't putting me in PW, and kept grabbing one or 2, every 2 hours or so.
From what I remember,
Took 4 mg bupe at 7am.
2 at 9am, 2 at 12pm...
That's 8mg, by noon....
Went to family's place.
Home at 7pm, took another 4 mg.
Just took another 4mg. It's almost 9pm.
So, I'm at 16mg, minimum...
Maybe 18 or 20, not sure. Just know they didn't hurt me, and want my mu receptors covered, completely.
Now, I did break down, and do a little H. Like a half bag, twice today. It didn't even feel like anything changed. I usually feel my legs relaxing a little, when I do any at all.
I know I wasn't sick, it was just in my head.
I'm so used to doing some H, every few hours, it's like grabbing a glass of water.
I have a little left, I should just flush away.
But, tmro am, I'm gonna start taking 8mg bupes, 1 in am, 1 about dinner, 12 hrs apart.
I know I have a lot in me, but still have nightmares about PW, last time I tried taking an 8mg. I crashed my car, I was so sick, on the way to get something, to get me straight again. Was a nightmare, in all ways possible.
So, I know it's a terrible idea, to keep anything, when trying to quit, but, there is a reason, as dumb as it may be.
If, I male it to noon tmro, after taking 8mg, in the morning, then, I will flush it instantly.
And then, only then, I'm 100% sure, I'll be ok.
I'm not too worried about relapse.
I know the mistakes I made last time.
I know how bad I want to be clean.
And, I don't think I'd touch anything again, once I'm clear of it all.
This was a huge fight.
And I want it more than anything.
I'll never forget how easy ot was, to use again, just for the hell of it. Then get dragged back into a habit.
I will talk to people.
I will try to make a meeting, here n there.
AA/NA, just don't fit me.
I'm not against it. It's done wonders for many. It just ain't for me. Atleast the daily part of it.
I don't mind hitting a meeting here n there, it feels good. But to go all in on it, just not for me.
Only reason I relapsed....
Covid hit, was out of work, bored, and went in to my old neighborhood, to see a friend.
Started hanging out in there, way too much.
Thought I could handle, just doing a taste.
I know, I know, shoulda known better.
As long as I stay away from anything bad, I should be ok.
I will check in on here, whenever I can.
And most likely, go to a recovery thread.
Everyone here on Blueliight, has been great.
I do want to try something.
Stay on here, hit the recovery threads, and find a way to stay in touch with the ones that helped me so much on here.
Plus, try to help someone else.
Because, I'm self employed.
Work when I can. Sometimes I have nothing, somedays, I'll work 16,18 hours.
I love the money, love doing construction, and love my freedom.
Work 10,14, long hard days, take 4,5 days, up on a lake, at a lodge.
I am moving to Wisconsin, probably within next year. Hopefully before next winter.
If covid wouldn't have hit, I would been there 2 years ago. Hit 2 months before I was supposed to move.
But, that's all in the future.
Still a goal, but get/stay clean before I'm able to do anything. That's 1st, and only important thing right now.
Just work, save money, go from there.
This is too long, sorry, I get lost.
I'm alone too much.
Thanks everyone,
I will check in tmro.
I know, I couldn't have done it without your help.
I've tried. You all, really did help.
Thanks
Ttyt

 

[Nas47]

Well, made it thru today. 9pm here.
I'm laughing as I type this ..lol
I can't remember exactly how many bupes I took today. SMH.... Just knew that they weren't putting me in PW, and kept grabbing one or 2, every 2 hours or so.
From what I remember,
Took 4 mg bupe at 7am.
2 at 9am, 2 at 12pm...
That's 8mg, by noon....
Went to family's place.
Home at 7pm, took another 4 mg.
Just took another 4mg. It's almost 9pm.
So, I'm at 16mg, minimum...
Maybe 18 or 20, not sure. Just know they didn't hurt me, and want my mu receptors covered, completely.
Now, I did break down, and do a little H. Like a half bag, twice today. It didn't even feel like anything changed. I usually feel my legs relaxing a little, when I do any at all.
I know I wasn't sick, it was just in my head.
I'm so used to doing some H, every few hours, it's like grabbing a glass of water.
I have a little left, I should just flush away.
But, tmro am, I'm gonna start taking 8mg bupes, 1 in am, 1 about dinner, 12 hrs apart.
I know I have a lot in me, but still have nightmares about PW, last time I tried taking an 8mg. I crashed my car, I was so sick, on the way to get something, to get me straight again. Was a nightmare, in all ways possible.
So, I know it's a terrible idea, to keep anything, when trying to quit, but, there is a reason, as dumb as it may be.
If, I male it to noon tmro, after taking 8mg, in the morning, then, I will flush it instantly.
And then, only then, I'm 100% sure, I'll be ok.
I'm not too worried about relapse.
I know the mistakes I made last time.
I know how bad I want to be clean.
And, I don't think I'd touch anything again, once I'm clear of it all.
This was a huge fight.
And I want it more than anything.
I'll never forget how easy ot was, to use again, just for the hell of it. Then get dragged back into a habit.
I will talk to people.
I will try to make a meeting, here n there.
AA/NA, just don't fit me.
I'm not against it. It's done wonders for many. It just ain't for me. Atleast the daily part of it.
I don't mind hitting a meeting here n there, it feels good. But to go all in on it, just not for me.
Only reason I relapsed....
Covid hit, was out of work, bored, and went in to my old neighborhood, to see a friend.
Started hanging out in there, way too much.
Thought I could handle, just doing a taste.
I know, I know, shoulda known better.
As long as I stay away from anything bad, I should be ok.
I will check in on here, whenever I can.
And most likely, go to a recovery thread.
Everyone here on Blueliight, has been great.
I do want to try something.
Stay on here, hit the recovery threads, and find a way to stay in touch with the ones that helped me so much on here.
Plus, try to help someone else.
Because, I'm self employed.
Work when I can. Sometimes I have nothing, somedays, I'll work 16,18 hours.
I love the money, love doing construction, and love my freedom.
Work 10,14, long hard days, take 4,5 days, up on a lake, at a lodge.
I am moving to Wisconsin, probably within next year. Hopefully before next winter.
If covid wouldn't have hit, I would been there 2 years ago. Hit 2 months before I was supposed to move.
But, that's all in the future.
Still a goal, but get/stay clean before I'm able to do anything. That's 1st, and only important thing right now.
Just work, save money, go from there.
This is too long, sorry, I get lost.
I'm alone too much.
Thanks everyone,
I will check in tmro.
I know, I couldn't have done it without your help.
I've tried. You all, really did help.
Thanks
Ttyt

I feel good if i helped you in anyway.Stay in contact in recovery forums.To feel free is wonderful feeling.I am with you even in the other corner of the world.Be calm.You are going into right direction.

 

[Trying123]

Hi, I will follow you all, and Nas, your not the only one, but were one of the 1st, that did help a lot. I'll find all of you on recovery side.
Quick note.......
In bed at 1130pm, 2mg under tongue, n fell asleep. 330am, woke with PW, not terrible, but definitely hit me. NO idea why, had more than 16mg bupe in me yesterday.
Only think of 2 possibilities.
Absorbance, where it stayed under tongue for about 20 min. Usually dissolves faster on me.
Or, I did forget to take my gabapentin all day yesterday, had a busy day.
Probably both caused that. Was tired, have dr and work tday, so I had to use $5 worth H, and took 400gab, 10mg Diaz, plus 1 mg Ativan. Held Ativan under tongue.
The $5 H, took away some right away almost, 20 min later, I was pretty good, hour after taking all, was back to sleep. Going over everything with Dr, so we Can figure it out. Wanted to go to 8mg sub today, cause there has to be enough subs built up in my body. But, after last night, may stick with 2mgs, for one more week. See what Dr says.
When I woke at 330am, I snapped outa a good sleep, freezing cold, shakes, bad rls and anxiety. So I did the above, as I had tears in my eyes. That really hurt me,, Thought I was solid on subs.
Not giving up. Today's a new day, gonna keep going, dr has told me, I may have to go to 24mg bupe, because of my past history of using a long time, and in large amounts. We will figure it out. For today. Gonna keep taking my 2mg, every few hrs. And, I won't forget the gabs and ativans.... think it was me forgetting the gabs yesterday, that made that happen.
I won't stop, until I can go without having to touch any H...
And I booked a full week of work this week, hope I didn't move too fast.
But work may be a distraction I need. Rather than just going crazy, home alone.
Gotta go, dr is soon...
Sorry, I will try to keep posts shorter.
Being alone so much, I tend to get a wandering mind, just type whatever goes thru my head. I'll try to keep these short, and to the point from now on.
I'll post tonight. So you know what's happening.
Thanks.

 

[Trying123]

Was a good day.
Woke up at 630 am, took 4mg bupe and 400 gab.
Seen doc at 1030am.
Told me wasn't enough bupe in me, to take over what fentanyl is left in my body, and possibly, an absorption issue.
I'm 100% honest with him.
Have to be, we have mutual trust.
And I want help, plus, he knows his stuff ! ! !
Gave me my 8mg bupe, 600 gab., and 1mg Ativan. Put me up to 8mg, x 3 a day..24mg

In normal withdrawal, I usually never get stomach issues, nausea, diarrhea.
So I don't need meds for that.
I do get worst anxiety, hot/cold, shakes, RLS, creepy crawlies, panic attacks, short of breath, can't hold still, extreme racing mind, minor leg cramps, & insomnia, about 80%
Only time I had all symptoms full-blown, was when I got Precip. WD... was a bad trip. SMH.

2pm, took 8mg, made sure I held it under tongue atleast 10 min.
About 30 min later, I felt great ! Like something changed for the better.

5pm, thoughts got to me, finished the tiny bit I had left for emergency PW...
I WILL NOT BUY MORE
IM DONE !!!

8pm took another 8mg, feel good, actually tired.

2am fell asleep, wow, never done that before, during induction,, or even a year after I was clean. Always micro naps, I rarely noticed.

YES, you can go for months, even more, without any sleep. The head aches go away, the foggyness clears up, and your fine.
Went 100 days in Cook County jail, many witnesses. And in 2019, last, n only real clean time in my life. I went over 9 months, without sleeping. Closed my eyes, tried like he'll, nut no sleep. Even tried every drug, prescribed, and OTC, never slept. Played guitar like Jim Croce as time went on, but no sleep.
After about 9 months, about every3 or 4 days, I could sleep 1 or 2 hours. Makes for a lonely life, living alone. My dog hated it. Then, after 14 months, I messed up, when covid hit, hung with wrong people, and it was over.

So, goin to bed, taking a 400 gab. It's 2am, 1° F,.. -12° wind chill. And tmros job got rescheduled. So, I'm sleeping in.
Tmro, today actually, IS going to be my 1st clean day. No doubt about it. I feel great.
Was basically painless, other than trying to push too fast...
Ttyt. ✌
Thanks.

 

[Trying123]

Well.. I'm ok, I guess.
It's tues night, wed, 3am...
Made 48 hour, no H...
Got my 400 gabs, 8 bupes in me. Morning n mid day...
Had a job tnite. 5to1130pm.
Had $, WAS TOO exited, bouncing off the walls all day tday. Literally. Felt great, but Mind racing, couldn't sit down, or concentrate on anything. So left for job at 5.
I'm a contractor, self employed handyman, minor construction. I can do anything. Powerlines to light bulbs, water main to faucet, toilet to street main, ground to roof. Used to build houses, n just started doing handyman work, 7 years ago.
400+ good customers, big $...
When covid hit, all went to he'll.
Fucked up, hung with old girl, got hooked again..
But, back t tnite .
On way home, just over excited.
Stopped in local bar, used to be another home.
All new. Crowd, after 2 years of not going
Anyway, owner is like a bro. Ain't seen him in 2 yrs. He has a stroke. Just after I stopped going, n ain't Seen him.
Txt him, said he'd be ther in 30....
Had 2 absolute n cran. But, caught this woman's eye.. right away.
Just chilled alone, 2 hrs.
Ended up showing pool with her.
Hands all over me. .
Angelina Jolie type, but bigger top n bottom. Long black hair, tinted blue. Tall, smokin.
Can't walk away from that, no guy would.
Anyway.
She was with her croud,all guys.
But could tell for sure, none of them were hers... anyway.
Hugged, said I'll be around, just can't be in here 8 hrs a night, like I use to.
Got home 2am...
Trashed.
Not sick, sick, but not right, .
Didn't take my bupe, or gab tnite yet.
Ended up tooting a tiny bit of each. .
I had....
1 kind, pretty clean, very little fent.
1 kind, good mix of H, fent, n xan...
Like $2 of each.
Regret it big Time. Having a smoke now, then taking 600 gab, n an 8 bupe. .
I felt that mix, like a MF.
Even that tiny bit
Just woke me up, relaxed me.
Totally kicking myself in the ass
Shouldn't put me in Pw at all, I hope.
Just wake up tmro, n go on, the right way.
But, never fails, substitute something for the other. Whether it's boose, woman, fishing,, anything.
I'm all in 500%, or all out.
I will never drink like that again
Dumped 60$, in 3 hrs. Absolute / cranberry.
N she gave me doubles, after the 1st 1, cause she knew I knew the owner, n I tipped her good.
So, I'm buzzed.
Ain't drank in almost 2 years, except, a mix here n there.
All I drink is absolute, cran. Or twisted teas.
Effin black cherry n red bull.
I can drink a fifth, be trashed, but walk a straight line, Ina second. I can handle that.
No hang over, no walking sideways....
But, I don't wanna be like that again.
I'm not going to....... refuse.
Tho, I will sip a weak one, give it a week or 2. Just 2,3 nights, a few hrs. N see what's up with this Blue... Hattie.
No man would pass a shot on that.
But, I will make sure to get my meds in me.
Carry them with me , at all times.
What I had in house was gone, but guy only 2 min from me.
Tmro, I'm gonna give him a $20.
Tell him, if I call, refuse me.
He ain't a friend, but, he does wanna see me get outa that shit.
If I call him drunk again, he will tell me get get Fuc....ed.
But if I'm in PW, he'd hit me.
I just can't let it go that far.
I had 48 hours ...
I just jumped the gun, thinking I was ALL GOOD.
I learned my lesson.
That scenario won't happen again.
But, no way, I'm passing a chance on a woman like that
Even if it's a hit n run. If she isn't a cool, CLEAN hottie.. I'm out.
I'm gonna keep posting every day or night, so anyone sees the struggle.
Once I'm 7, 14 days in. I'll make sure to put full caps in the post, so you all know
Then, pop over to the recovery side..
Keep gettin help there, while monitoring this thread.
I just want my life back.
And hopefully, this, and me, can help someone else...
We just can't give up.
Keep trying for better.
Put the real effort in.
Of we mess up, tmro is a new day, forget yesterday.
Remember your mistake, but that's yesterday
Learn from it.
Make a change
Even if it's a tiny one.
Keep looking forward, n stay positive.
If I can do it, anyone can. .
I've slept under bridges, in 20° weather, months on end, blown 4,500 a day.
And I've Been clean.
It's all in your head. .
With the right meds, a dr, or friends,family, to believein you. It helps.
But, you have to want it
Believe in yourself.
I'll be ok tmro.
I want this too bad.
And tonight, was just a tiny speed bump.
Not even , just a pot hole.
5 hrs from now, I'm back to full blown I got this....
Thanks to all that keep acknowledging this. .
I like to talk to someone, but...
Just seeing a ❤, like, or anything, means just as much.
Love u guys.
Thanks n.gd night.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Sounds like you are doing pretty well except for the introduction of alcohol. It lowered your inhibitions and you relapsed. No biggie...we all do. If you truly want your program to work you will have to leave alcohol out of the mix. Alcohol, hands down, will make everyone relapse.

People don't realize that alcohol is your worst enemy when trying to get clean. Just the nature of the drug. It lowers our inhibitions and makes us reckless. This was just a tiny bump in the road but if you continue to add alcohol into the mix you won't succeed. Every time you drink you will relapse. You won't want to and you will think you can have a few drinks and not take a snort or two but we kid ourselves. Alcohol and giving up our drug of choice never works.

Most people will never be able to drink again if they truly want to stay away from their drug of choice. Everyone calls their dealer after a few drinks. They just can't help themselves. Maybe down the line we can once we have succeeded in getting clean. A glass of wine here and there or a few beers at a BBQ.....but in early recovery alcohol will make you relapse every single time. It's just the insidious nature of alcohol.

 

[Trying123]

Very True, Nurse Ratched, I agree 100%.
Just finally got back to work, my 1st day was a great one, stopped for 1 drink, waited to see owner of bar, who is a friend, and I get jobs from, then got stuck in bar, celebrating working, old friend....
Got home. Was sick, n hit a bump.
I'm still ok tho.
Thank God...
Been keeping myself busy, working a lot, and staying away from bar.
I was able to drink ok, but that was about 1 year after I was clean, down to 2mg bupe.
I don't recommend getting trashed every night, which I did for a while, but, a few drinks here n there. As long as you are solid, is ok for some, not all people.
I just jumped the gun, so to say.

Was strange. The other day, I was bouncing of the walls, could even concentrate enough, to get dressed for the day.
Matter of fact, think it was Tuesday, the night I drank.
It was like I woke up, felt 100% different.
Just full of energy. Too much energy.
Took a few hours to calm down.
Guess it was just transferring from one drug, to the bupes.

I'm ok now tho.
Even still sleeping 6,7 hours a night.
Probably because I'm so tired from work.
Last time around, I was working, tho not as much, but rarely sleeping.

Can't wait to see dr again, see what my drop says. I go Monday.
If I can't post before then, I'll try to let u know. After 7 days, I'm hoping to be clean, although, it will be 5 or 6 days. Because I goofed tues.

Thanks for all the support.
I will stay on here, for another week or so, just to give this a good ending.
Show that it can be done, if you want it bad enough.
Then I'll monitor this thread, but check out the recover side, do whatever I can, to stay clean.

I don't want to be on bupes, real long.
But I'll stay a month or so, n start going down slow.
Last time, was able to go from 16mg, down to 2mg, in about 3 months.

I was working a lot, and taking a lot of fishing trips.
On my trips, I'd just forget to take my night dose for a few days/a week, and never noticed it.
So, I kept taking less n less, pretty fast.
Once I stayed on 2, a few months, it was a nightmare trying to get off them.

Only issue I had, was just out of nowhere, I'd get Terrible, depression.
I would be fine, laughing, anywhere, then just feel this heavy, dark feeling, coming down on me.
Within seconds, I'd be crying my eyes out, for like an hour.
Never felt anything like it.

This time, I'm going to try micro dosing, in reverse, when I get to that point.

No Rush.
Gonna wait until I know I'm ok, I'm in a good place in life, no pressures, then start detoxing completely.

Thank for all the info and support.
Other than my dr, you have all been the biggest help.
I have a life again.
Have a great weekend.

 

[Nas47]

Very True, Nurse Ratched, I agree 100%.
Just finally got back to work, my 1st day was a great one, stopped for 1 drink, waited to see owner of bar, who is a friend, and I get jobs from, then got stuck in bar, celebrating working, old friend....
Got home. Was sick, n hit a bump.
I'm still ok tho.
Thank God...
Been keeping myself busy, working a lot, and staying away from bar.
I was able to drink ok, but that was about 1 year after I was clean, down to 2mg bupe.
I don't recommend getting trashed every night, which I did for a while, but, a few drinks here n there. As long as you are solid, is ok for some, not all people.
I just jumped the gun, so to say.

Was strange. The other day, I was bouncing of the walls, could even concentrate enough, to get dressed for the day.
Matter of fact, think it was Tuesday, the night I drank.
It was like I woke up, felt 100% different.
Just full of energy. Too much energy.
Took a few hours to calm down.
Guess it was just transferring from one drug, to the bupes.

I'm ok now tho.
Even still sleeping 6,7 hours a night.
Probably because I'm so tired from work.
Last time around, I was working, tho not as much, but rarely sleeping.

Can't wait to see dr again, see what my drop says. I go Monday.
If I can't post before then, I'll try to let u know. After 7 days, I'm hoping to be clean, although, it will be 5 or 6 days. Because I goofed tues.

Thanks for all the support.
I will stay on here, for another week or so, just to give this a good ending.
Show that it can be done, if you want it bad enough.
Then I'll monitor this thread, but check out the recover side, do whatever I can, to stay clean.

I don't want to be on bupes, real long.
But I'll stay a month or so, n start going down slow.
Last time, was able to go from 16mg, down to 2mg, in about 3 months.

I was working a lot, and taking a lot of fishing trips.
On my trips, I'd just forget to take my night dose for a few days/a week, and never noticed it.
So, I kept taking less n less, pretty fast.
Once I stayed on 2, a few months, it was a nightmare trying to get off them.

Only issue I had, was just out of nowhere, I'd get Terrible, depression.
I would be fine, laughing, anywhere, then just feel this heavy, dark feeling, coming down on me.
Within seconds, I'd be crying my eyes out, for like an hour.
Never felt anything like it.

This time, I'm going to try micro dosing, in reverse, when I get to that point.

No Rush.
Gonna wait until I know I'm ok, I'm in a good place in life, no pressures, then start detoxing completely.

Thank for all the info and support.
Other than my dr, you have all been the biggest help.
I have a life again.
Have a great weekend.

Very happy about you.Seems like everything slowly goes in right way.keep it on!good struggle..God bless you bro!

 

[Xpander]

Srsly, wtf happened to real heroin....

 

[Trying123]

Xpander....
Real heroin, as I knew it, is completely gone around Chicago.
It was so much easier to quit, off the real stuff.
Now, all we see is a backyard chemists best, worst attempt to make something similar.
Not even close.
It will take your sick off, but wears off faster, making you spend more money, on top of putting who knows what, into your body.
I hate it, for many reasons.
It's dangerous to use, and who knows what you have to do, if you want to quit using.
It was a long experiment, trying to find the right combination of meds, from the doctor, just to make it through the hell of withdrawal.
But, it is possible.
Just don't give up.
Make up your mind, that you want to be clean, and keep trying different ways to make it through the pain.
For me, personally, Micro dosing with buprenorphine, plus gabapentin, and Valium/Ativan, works pretty good.
I'm ok, took me about 2 weeks, until I reached 24 mg bupe, but I don't have to use anything now.
Just my bupes, an Ativan here n there, and something to help with sleep.
Finding the best sleep meds was an experiment all on its own.

The combination of fentanyl and Xanax, is a money making giant, for the bad guys.
They won't go back to real heroin, because they're making so much money, selling the fake concoction of whatever is available.
And, it's putting everyone in danger.
I'm so glad that I got away from that stuff.
It was bad enough, when I was using H...
This new mix, is a nightmare for anyone that gets caught up in it.
I didn't realize the change, until it was too late.
Hopefully, others will read this, and other posts like this, and take our advice.
It's not the same game anymore.
It's a huge gamble, with your life.
My thoughts and prayers, are with anyone trying to quit.
You can do it.
Life is so much better, without a habit.
A habit where you don't even now what you are using.
It's all just killing you, slowly.
Make a conscious decision, and quit while you can.
You can over come this monster ! ! !