Trying a change. Trying to sleep. Trying a blog.

This is not going to be sufficient in my writing abilities. I am a writer. I hope my book gets published... and I also don't... it's dangerous content for young minds.

Anyway. I have a name. And I got my name from my biological mother. I was put up for adoption. Taken by the state of Idaho at birth.
I have a name. And my adopted parents chose to keep it. I was named by my biological mother, after her friend who overdosed on opiates. Don't know what it was, don't care.
When I met my biological mom at 18, when my own daughter was only 3 months old... I asked about my name.
I never asked again.

This blog isn't just about me. It's about a lot of things. I am way, way too tired... my daughter is so upset...
And I'm going to add to it later. Once I figure this out.

Had to write though

 

I'm breaking. I'm breaking down bad...
Scofula? G.s.h.r? Herbavore?
I'm breaking down.

I faced it all tonight with both my biological parents.
My biological father SWEARS he isn't lying... he's been SWEARING he's not. Tonight I believed him.

I sent my biological mother a text calling her out. BAD NEWS. She told me tonight(this morning I guess here, it's 1:30AM) that she wishes I had never been born, and she wishes I died.

Umm... that really effected me... I'm fucking lost...
My biological father says she's a dumb bitch and a LIAR...
He says trust him. I don't even know for sure I'm his. I know I'm my biological moms, she pooped me out. From her. The spermicide donor? Greg thinks, and we all think, it's him. We're next to identical.

I'm in distress. Gosh I hope my book doesn't get published...
It's in Chicago now, with all the money to make prints. After I sent my epilogue...

I hope it doesn't, and I also do... but I know it's dangerous. For young minds.

 

Bloop

 

They are both lying to me. Both of them. And I've let myself spiral to almost the brink of death.
Not good. I think? Who knows.

 

Another bad night approaching.
Except my biological "mother" told me she wishes I had never been born.

She's a liar, spitting fire at me for her own mistakes...

But now? I feel she truly thinks I never should have been born. Because I have had two abortions myself. And she knows that. She said that to me. She "hates me". WHY?? I don't even know her life, how have I hurt her??

I chose that. My two abortions. And I will face it to Him. Only Him. When I myself meet Him. My two abortions? That shook my whole life. I was told both times I wasn't healthy enough to carry a baby. I chose to save my baby and myself. (Abortion number two just barely happened... I have two follow up appointments if my dad helps me with the money for them. )
Or we'd both die. I sent my babies back to Him. Safe. I will answer for it. I know I will. I'm shaken and very torn up. Bad. I'm... having to make a whole change. Right now. Or I die.

It's hurting me, it's hurting my whole "real" family that raised me up until 18. My biological "family"? A mess. Disaster. Chaos. They have to go. At least away from me. I've done nothing to them. Ever. I just wanted to know where I come from. I found that out. And it worked for almost a decade. I'm now 27. It was a bad, bad move meeting them. But I chose. At 18.

I picked up the snake when I knew what it was. I am now bit, and bleeding. Bad.

Now it's hurting my own daughter... and her life.
I'm furious. I'm very.... very unstable with anything other than my own daughter and my family. My biological family?? That IS NOT FAMILY. I know family.
It sure as shit isn't the woman that invested her womb for a short time. (I was born soooo weak it's not even a joke. It's amazing I'm this healthy and strong.)

Sorry.

 

Pfff... no one listens.

Anyway. I just bought myself some rice. Lord, Heavenly Father up above... thank you. Thank you for this nourishment father. Thank you for the ground to grow it. For us.
Amen.

God I was starving. I ate way way too fast. I have to stop that.

Thank you Heavenly Father for my life. And my daughters. I love you father.
Amen.

 

I cannot stop eating the rice. I can't eat like this. I'm very sick now. But I was too hungry. I devoured it. Now I'm sick.

I want to cry. I want to die. And I'm alone. Always.

 

I am so, so sick right now. It is not even funny.

Maybe I should call 911.

 

Wound up in the ER. They tried getting fluids in me, totally fail. Just hurt my body very bad. Finally did get enough blood to test.
Gave me stuff for nausea. Wheeled me to the door. Said "you are not okay." Umm... thanks that's why I'm here is what I said.
They made me two follow up appointments. And said I need money. Or go straight back to the ER.

I guess we'll see what happens tonight.