adicabrady
Bluelighter
Jake,I started going to NA/A meetings in 1981.I also have been to 13 rehabs (or is it 11?),93 detoxes ,psych units ,halfway houses,etc...As far as the meetings went I got a lot of shame from people because I could not maintain any amount of clean time.People cared for me and got frustrated.
One guy after hearing me bitch about how bad I was urging ,came up to me and said "Adica,I am sick of hearing you complain that you want to get high,here is twenty dollars,go get high".I saw him the next day and he asked where his money was.I said "See this track mark,there is your F'ing 20 dollars".I had had about a month clean.
It is said that you have to want it.I really did but the traitor living in my head,wouldn't allow it.It is a tricky mother-F'er.
OK,now it is 2010.I'm on Suboxone,Xanax and a few other legal drugs.They don't get me high but they help.I've been having massive urges to get high since Saturday.I gave in today and bought 160mg.of Oxycontin.I didn't know where to get heroin and really didn't want to find a cop spot.This was my first "relapse "in about 3 months.
I moved 10 years ago from N.Y. to Ma.,which I consider the land of the crappy expensive drugs..My last rehab diagnosed me as bipolar (which fits),that explained a bit why I couldn't stop with all my effort.
Mania,which I used dope to calm.Then depression,which dope helped me not feel so suicidal.
I stopped going to detoxes decades ago because they became hard to get in to.I,instead,went to psych wards,which would detox me from my addictions. If you went to a hospital and said you were suicidal,they would admit you and legally are not allowed to tell your parents why you are there.The hospitals have never kept me for more then a week except once when I had a nervous breakdown and needed it.
I feel for you.I remember an old boyfriend grabbing me by the throat and asking why I wouldn't stop.I couldn't answer him because I didn't know.
If you are anything like me,my heart breaks for you.The longer you're addicted the more the drugs take from you.Take in any and every way they can.
For decades I just accepted that I was a junky and I would always be that way.OK,I'm legally prescribed pills and do on occasion (like today)F up.But it has gotten better.I'm not homeless anymore and I have food to eat every day.That might not sound like much to other people but it is huge for me.
Please don't give up!I am in my fifties now and still struggle but nothing like before when I was a homeless,starving street junky.And for the people that write him,my example of the guy giving me 20 dollars didn't help.Tough love isn't for everyone.You never know when a person might hear something or see something that jogs them into a moment of clarity.
Jake,my hope for you is that you stay alive long enough for things to change.At my age,I have lost so many good decent people to this thing called addiction.It has robbed me by my own actions (or lack of actions) and robbed me of so many loved ones.
I truly wish the young could learn by the experiences of their elders.Also,the voice in my head is not as bad as it was,but it still sucks.
One guy after hearing me bitch about how bad I was urging ,came up to me and said "Adica,I am sick of hearing you complain that you want to get high,here is twenty dollars,go get high".I saw him the next day and he asked where his money was.I said "See this track mark,there is your F'ing 20 dollars".I had had about a month clean.
It is said that you have to want it.I really did but the traitor living in my head,wouldn't allow it.It is a tricky mother-F'er.
OK,now it is 2010.I'm on Suboxone,Xanax and a few other legal drugs.They don't get me high but they help.I've been having massive urges to get high since Saturday.I gave in today and bought 160mg.of Oxycontin.I didn't know where to get heroin and really didn't want to find a cop spot.This was my first "relapse "in about 3 months.
I moved 10 years ago from N.Y. to Ma.,which I consider the land of the crappy expensive drugs..My last rehab diagnosed me as bipolar (which fits),that explained a bit why I couldn't stop with all my effort.
Mania,which I used dope to calm.Then depression,which dope helped me not feel so suicidal.
I stopped going to detoxes decades ago because they became hard to get in to.I,instead,went to psych wards,which would detox me from my addictions. If you went to a hospital and said you were suicidal,they would admit you and legally are not allowed to tell your parents why you are there.The hospitals have never kept me for more then a week except once when I had a nervous breakdown and needed it.
I feel for you.I remember an old boyfriend grabbing me by the throat and asking why I wouldn't stop.I couldn't answer him because I didn't know.
If you are anything like me,my heart breaks for you.The longer you're addicted the more the drugs take from you.Take in any and every way they can.
For decades I just accepted that I was a junky and I would always be that way.OK,I'm legally prescribed pills and do on occasion (like today)F up.But it has gotten better.I'm not homeless anymore and I have food to eat every day.That might not sound like much to other people but it is huge for me.
Please don't give up!I am in my fifties now and still struggle but nothing like before when I was a homeless,starving street junky.And for the people that write him,my example of the guy giving me 20 dollars didn't help.Tough love isn't for everyone.You never know when a person might hear something or see something that jogs them into a moment of clarity.
Jake,my hope for you is that you stay alive long enough for things to change.At my age,I have lost so many good decent people to this thing called addiction.It has robbed me by my own actions (or lack of actions) and robbed me of so many loved ones.
I truly wish the young could learn by the experiences of their elders.Also,the voice in my head is not as bad as it was,but it still sucks.