A Life of Static
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2011
- Messages
- 9
Hello all,
I had a bad experience with MDMA about 12 years ago, in my second year of college. I had taken it maybe 10 times before, over the course of a couple of years. This time, however, my friends told me that I "did not look so good". I wasn't able to control my lower jaw, which continually spasmed, and I was apparently incoherent, none of which I can remember. When I woke up the next morning, I knew something was wrong. I felt like I could barely put a thought together, but most obvious to me was the extreme static vision and moving shadows and textures on the walls of my room. I was scared. But, I calmed myself with the belief that I would return to normal function over time. I decided to change my life: stop experimenting with drugs, work harder in school, socialize, figure out a career, etc, and just see where that would take me.
12 years on, my vision is 90% as bad it was when I woke up that morning. After about 3 years I became horribly depressed when it started to become real to me that this would never change. I have learned to deal with it a little better by now, but the worst part about the vision is that reading is difficult; it takes a lot of energy and focus and I cannot do it very quickly. The second worst part is the lack of recognition of the subtlety in people's faces and facial expressions. Everything appears to move around a bit and I have to stare at people's faces a bit longer than what might be considered normal in order to be certain as to what expression is there. Although I have gotten used to it, it still makes my daily experience feel a little bit less than real.
Although my general cognition has improved substantially since the "incident", I am positive that it is not what it was before the incident. In high school I used to be able to absorb reading material and remember pretty much anything I needed to without much effort; now I struggle to remember even the main points of material I have read a few days ago. I am absolutely horrendous at remembering names. The worst symptom of my cognition is how slowly I do everything now; I can put thoughts together and find the right vocabulary eventually but the time it takes is significantly longer than most others (it took me about 45 minutes to write this far).
Far worse than anything else has been the effect of a decade of depression caused by this. I have struggled with the change in my daily experience, mixed with a lack of understanding of exactly what has happened to me, and the tremendous guilt that comes with knowing that I did this to myself. I have discussed it with almost no one, save a few psychologists along the way, who had no valuable answers. I could not deal with all of this and spent most of my twenties completely engrossed in video games, escaping reality. I have maintained a few friends over the years but still struggle socially. Worst of all is the loss of confidence, creativity, and the chronic feeling of failure and loss.
After losing my job in November, I decided to again try to develop a fulfilled life, connected with the world around me. I quit playing video games entirely and went back to school (I had dropped out the semester following the incident). I was able to pass my first semester with C's, but it was quite a struggle. I am at this point where I am beyond feeling guilty about what I did to myself...I have paid my dues. Now I just want to understand it, and do whatever it takes to recover from this seemingly permanent condition.
I am writing here for advice. I am considering getting a CT scan to try to figure out if there are any "holes" in my brain. From most of what I have read it seems like the problem is most likely due to a chemical imbalance, but I just want to be certain. I exercise almost daily, including weight training three times a week, consistently. I eat reasonably healthy, and read often (despite how long it takes). Basically I treat my body and brain well and live like a normal, healthy person, but doing so has not improved my condition in 12 years (except for some mild improvement in the very beginning). The only real gains I have had have related to my ability to "get used to" the condition, but there is a limit to how much that helps my situation.
Any thoughts or advice as to what is going on in my brain, and what actions I should take next, would be very dearly appreciated.
Kindest thanks
"Static"
I had a bad experience with MDMA about 12 years ago, in my second year of college. I had taken it maybe 10 times before, over the course of a couple of years. This time, however, my friends told me that I "did not look so good". I wasn't able to control my lower jaw, which continually spasmed, and I was apparently incoherent, none of which I can remember. When I woke up the next morning, I knew something was wrong. I felt like I could barely put a thought together, but most obvious to me was the extreme static vision and moving shadows and textures on the walls of my room. I was scared. But, I calmed myself with the belief that I would return to normal function over time. I decided to change my life: stop experimenting with drugs, work harder in school, socialize, figure out a career, etc, and just see where that would take me.
12 years on, my vision is 90% as bad it was when I woke up that morning. After about 3 years I became horribly depressed when it started to become real to me that this would never change. I have learned to deal with it a little better by now, but the worst part about the vision is that reading is difficult; it takes a lot of energy and focus and I cannot do it very quickly. The second worst part is the lack of recognition of the subtlety in people's faces and facial expressions. Everything appears to move around a bit and I have to stare at people's faces a bit longer than what might be considered normal in order to be certain as to what expression is there. Although I have gotten used to it, it still makes my daily experience feel a little bit less than real.
Although my general cognition has improved substantially since the "incident", I am positive that it is not what it was before the incident. In high school I used to be able to absorb reading material and remember pretty much anything I needed to without much effort; now I struggle to remember even the main points of material I have read a few days ago. I am absolutely horrendous at remembering names. The worst symptom of my cognition is how slowly I do everything now; I can put thoughts together and find the right vocabulary eventually but the time it takes is significantly longer than most others (it took me about 45 minutes to write this far).
Far worse than anything else has been the effect of a decade of depression caused by this. I have struggled with the change in my daily experience, mixed with a lack of understanding of exactly what has happened to me, and the tremendous guilt that comes with knowing that I did this to myself. I have discussed it with almost no one, save a few psychologists along the way, who had no valuable answers. I could not deal with all of this and spent most of my twenties completely engrossed in video games, escaping reality. I have maintained a few friends over the years but still struggle socially. Worst of all is the loss of confidence, creativity, and the chronic feeling of failure and loss.
After losing my job in November, I decided to again try to develop a fulfilled life, connected with the world around me. I quit playing video games entirely and went back to school (I had dropped out the semester following the incident). I was able to pass my first semester with C's, but it was quite a struggle. I am at this point where I am beyond feeling guilty about what I did to myself...I have paid my dues. Now I just want to understand it, and do whatever it takes to recover from this seemingly permanent condition.
I am writing here for advice. I am considering getting a CT scan to try to figure out if there are any "holes" in my brain. From most of what I have read it seems like the problem is most likely due to a chemical imbalance, but I just want to be certain. I exercise almost daily, including weight training three times a week, consistently. I eat reasonably healthy, and read often (despite how long it takes). Basically I treat my body and brain well and live like a normal, healthy person, but doing so has not improved my condition in 12 years (except for some mild improvement in the very beginning). The only real gains I have had have related to my ability to "get used to" the condition, but there is a limit to how much that helps my situation.
Any thoughts or advice as to what is going on in my brain, and what actions I should take next, would be very dearly appreciated.
Kindest thanks
"Static"
