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Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 3: Earth, Wind and Fire!

My life, sanity and sobriety. Ibogaine was taken on Saturday night. I am going to be writing a great deal on this, the experience was not much at all like I could have possibly expected, I remember no actual memories from the entire trip, I remember it feeling like a rocket ship. And then, the next thing I remember is coming to on my floor, still nighttime. I'm casually talking to a friend I know really well, about going. We drive around in a pitch-black night and stop at a series of houses that felt frightening and these friends are making stops at these houses, lugging stuff in or out. They're starting to get worked up and start smashing up mailboxes. Finally, we get to a dark house and go in to meet with someone. We sit next to them and my companions begin to chant as a cloud of sharp terror startles me mometarily aware. I realize I do not have occult-practicing friends, and these guys were haunting sinister. I was slouched in the floor sitting in a pile of debris, my bed torn apart (I just mean all the pieces haphazardly flailed around the room with a single sheet on the bed still. I looked around and the most bizarre, gorgeous trailing effect was happening, where it appeared as if all visible objects had astral representations constantly generating and being pulled down into the object, as if matter was being added continuously. I stood up and I feel down hard, and I also stayed standing and leaned on the wall for balance, or what I might have done was stayed there on the floor. SO MUCH happened, I'm remembering more constantly, it was the most singificant feeling and fdull-scale hectic trip I have ever taken, it was DARK, primordial, and I spent 3 days in psychosis, I look forward to writing this experience up soon, as I apply hours to it. It was extremely creepy and me and other Bluelighters and creatures and humans in this dream performed things and thought a lot about the usage of psychic abilities, and dark occult imagery in the noight-time/dark settings. It was like my experience happened to many different versions of myself and the world, happening at the same time, intertwining with each other and my brief moments of waking up enough to be aware. During those times, I'd get phone calls and texts from the friends from my dreams and I had somehow filled in the personalities and history with them, and we eventually over the course of 3 days developed a plan to interfere with a sick, demonic plot by the other versions of ourselves. At no point (until after a had a pretty severe emotional breakdown because I thought I had broken myself, the sense of helplessness and deep terror at breaking my brain

But as for how I'm doing? I am doing WONDERFULLY. :) <3. The trip was WEIRD, disturbing, psychotic and relentless/obsessive/terrifying/worrying/panicky/amazingly visual and feels physically pleasant, and the only way to explain the incredible sense of power from it is to say that it felt not just magical, but magic. It felt like a ritual which existed in a number of different scenarios all happening to me and many others simultaneously. Most importantly, I am very happy to report that I feel 100% great now, 4 days later. :) I have less than 0 percent desire to use any opiates, I feel mentally great, strong, centered. On Monday I had been immersed in multiple fantasy worlds for 2+ days already and I somehow got it in my head that I was supposed to be back to work Monday (and came to enough to start my day at 1pm, halfthrough the work day again. As I tried to even think about anything whatsoever, I realized I had nowhere near enough mental faculties able to think about charts and graphs androutine programming. I started to panick, absolutely nothing made sense, I was completely adrift, 99% non-functioning. I began being drawn into various delusions and attempting to communicate with people at work through email apologizing for missing the first half of the day, but I did realize I would have to tell them what was going on because I was going to be sobbing piteously. I frantically typed out 10-15 posts in the PD Social thread in a row. I felt they were well-composed at the time but looking back at them theyb are frightenously wild-sounding and literallyu no words were spelled right and most of it it was hrsdfghfd (that kind of thing), the word occult seemned to appear in everything I thought and wrote the whole time. I wrote an email to a coworker containing that stuff and this morning with really big wide eyes I realized what I had done, and responded to it and said that a kid had been mashing on the keyboard. I eventually decided during these 2 hours of hell that I needed to talk to someone because I was getting really scared, so I composed a careful message to my boss, saying (with half or less of the words spelled right, quite difficult to read) that ends in me saying "PLEASE Please please call me ASAP, I really need to talk to someone badly." I sent it to him (damn). I read it today, hes on vacation til tomorrow. It's very incriminating. I correctly spelled out ibogaine twice and made some strange-sounding references to consuming it in order to overcome addiction (my boss knows I struggle with opiates). I also dropped several references to the occult and psychic abilities, and something about being spied on by dark forces through my bugged cell phone. But it's composed in such a way that he might just see an unointelligible wall of text with some strange words, I could MAYBE even get away with some kids came in and partied while I was away and messed with my stuff (I don't know how I am going to approach this). But I was using his name and stuff so that may not be an option. And then to make matters worse, I realized today that I had pocket dialed him multiple times without realizing, which could conceivably contain sobbing and/or screams. He called me back 4 times and left a message which I am still too afraud to listen to.

So, clearly, I needed a sitter not for 12-16 hours like I did, but for a full 3 days. I had no ability to make rational decisions or trust that I even had the plot just a little bit. I freaked my parents out really bad, ands my little brother, and my Bluelighter friend finally came to bring me to his house after I figuyred out how to use my phone (my phone and computer had nearly all of their passwords changed and there was a virus on my computer and strange instant messages from unknwon senders containing weird blocks of code. I may jhave caused a bit of prfessional harm to myself, we'll see, if it comes to it the fact that I got past opiates from this probably is a good thing more than anything else.

This was without a doubt the most overwhelmingly intense and difficult thing I've ever done, a totally different level of strong than anything else I can imagine. It was pften fully psychotic, I would just be convinced this thing I would start to do was something I had had a lot of previous experience with, hard to explain but like for example I became convinced of a memory I had wherethe kids would play this game looking for tiny things on the street to eat to alter your consciousness. A lot of people were playing it at various times throughout the trip and eating tiny pieces of dust that I would put in my "drug game" jar. I developed a back-story to it, a full life history of learning and playing this game. It was such a natural feeling part of the experience I didn't even realize til today that it was completely fantasy, I never had a game anything like the sort before. Weirdl,k weird shit, but it worked better than I even could have imagined for opiates. Now that I've gotten my mental faculties back (though I am still kind of babbling and missing words a bit), I feel fantastic and I have a negative opiate desire, I would much rather stay sober right now than take an opiate, because I feel healthy and filled up with appreciation and gratefulness than I regained my control.
 
@Xorkoth - Oh, boy. That's gonna be hard to explain at work. I think I would avoid the "kid got into my computer and phone" story. If you have to have a conversation about it, I think I would say that you had a bad allergic reaction to a new medication - or say it was Ambien and you accidentally took it in the morning before work - they'll never know the difference. But really it's illegal for them to even ask if you are in the US, and you can just say that's a private medical matter. Then assure them that you saw a doctor and changed meds and there won't be any more issues. Good luck!
 
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I feel bad for laughing at what could potentially be very damaging for you....but man that's funny=D

Most importantly you currently feel 'less than zero' desire to use opiates.

The trip sounds crazy and intense and I look forward to hearing more about it as you process it over the coming days. Good luck with your work stuff, I imagine that if your boss returns to find a clear-headed worker free from addiction and ready to be productive for the company then he will oversee the slightly bizarre email. Certainly the worst he can do is put ibogaine in to google and find out about it, which would probably actually be quite a positive thing.

I wouldn't worry too much and just press on with your new opiate free life.:)
 
Yeah I feel better about it today. I am steadily going higher, I keep popping up totally refreshed after 2 hours of sleep and being super productive. I'm pretty much ready to declare it a full-fledged personal miracle. Like a reset button. But if there's ever a next time... I can also say for sure that it would never be appropriate for anyone, no matter how experienced with psychedelics, to spend any length of time unsupervised for the first 72 hours at minimum.
 
@Xorkoth

Wow that is powerful, and yes a sitter would have been preferred but no use dwelling on the past now. To the future! You sound like an incredibly intelligent, and while still coming down from ibogaine intelligible person I'm sure all will work out wonderfully for you!


Edit:

Did you listen to the voicemail?
 
Xorkoth, I agree 100% with the realization that you should be doing this with full supervision--a trip sitter for the entire duration at least but better yet and actual clinic. I think the best thing is to be completely honest with your boss and colleagues. If they already know that you struggle with opiate addiction and that this was a way to address that (perhaps gather some literature on it and have that available) I think it will make a difference in their thinking. I know for me, honesty is something I value more than just about anything when it comes to dealing with employees, colleagues or bosses. If I feel that someone is lying to me I don't really care about why I only resent being lied to. Stand up for what you are attempting to do--get off opiates with a method that is known and proven to be very helpful.
 
Unfortunately it is in the past tense, he should have been doing it with full supervision. But as I said - to the future! Your recommendation sounds great, but it sounds like from his post that his employer did not know about his opioid use.
 
Questions I was comfortable with coming up on my exam and it being out of the way. Now I can attack my addictions annd get detoxed, life here I come!
 
TGIF errbody!! I am extremely happy that it's Friday and i'm giving myself a pat in the back for surviving another crazy week.
 
Maya said:
TGIF errbody!! I am extremely happy that it's Friday and i'm giving myself a pat in the back for surviving another crazy week.
Click to expand...

TGIF to everyone else, I'm jobless and have a class online so the thing I've been procrastinating must move on with no limits on weekends!

Everyone else kicking, or just doing better who made it through the week:

You guys are awesome. Keep going
 
^I'll second that!

I made it through my regular week but now I have a crammed weekend. I guess I'll be thankful for a full life.;)
 
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