I'm thankful for my wingwoman. she's my confidant and my ally in this world. couldn't ask for a better wingwoman forreal.
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Today I am thankful for... ver. 2: thankful for all the darksiders!
- Thread starter Dave
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Tryptamine*Dreamer
Ex-Bluelighter
Thankful for the people and pets in my life, thankful they are well and happy, thankful I am doing well.
I am thankful to still be alive and intact in mind and body after multiple suicide attempts, potentially lethal self-destructive behavior, and reckless impulsive drug binges that could have ended in disaster.
I thought for a few days after that reckless binge last week that I had destroyed my cognitive abilities. The change in how my mind felt and worked had me worried, as it was something I have not felt before. Now I know that I am still cognitively intact and the changes in my thought processes and quieter mind were actually positive changes. My mind was never at rest or peace because of how I was suppressing all of those bad things I did and everyone around me did toward animals that did not deserve that kind of treatment - the quieter, calmer state of mind seems to be the result of letting go of the past, and trying to forgive myself. I honestly don't know how I ever managed to have such compassion toward animals when everyone around me abused them and considered them to be just as disposable as garbage. I really wish I had never tried to destroy my feelings of compassion towards and desire to help and understand animals. It was very harmful to me and led to my harming animals in a very misguided attempt to stop caring. After I came to my senses on the issue again, I did many things to sabotage my happiness and success to punish myself for what I had done and that was not helpful to any living thing. I should have spent that effort on trying to improve the lives of animals in any small way I possibly could instead of wasting my efforts on self hatred and making myself suffer. Maybe nothing I try to do to help make things better for animals will ever amount to anything or change anything, but I think I have to try. That was what I wanted in life before I made those horrible choices and now I want it even more because of my mistakes. Perhaps I am just a misguided fool, but at least I am trying to do the right thing.
I probably sound really narcissistic the way I said those good things about myself, but I really felt kind of bad and uncomfortable talking about myself like that - that is a truthful statement of how I feel.
Also seem to be cutting back just a bit with the drugs and I think I may significantly reduce my use over the coming weeks. I've felt pretty good the fairly small amount of time I have been sober lately. That is a big difference, I don't think I have been happy or even comfortable while sober in a very long time. If I can stay in good spirits without staying high, it would be kind of pointless to keep using drugs all the time like I normally do. No plans to give them up completely though or even make my use infrequent, but I would like to reduce my use drastically and I think I will be doing so over the coming weeks or few months - just really gradually cutting back to a more responsible level. Not sure how much I can reduce my hydrocodone use because I have fairly frequent severe migraines that are pretty much incapacitating without the hydrocodone. I would not be able to function well if I did not treat that pain adequately, so I'll have to use that regularly as long as the migraines continue. I'd like to stop using it to get high so much when I don't need it for the pain and I think I can achieve that without too much difficulty.
I know I made a screw up mentioning enjoying use of a drug in a place where that kind of thing is harmful and unacceptable because so many here are trying to get away from that - so many here are in pain because of their mistakes with drugs and the last thing they need is someone talking about how good they are feeling from using a drug. I was very wrong to do that here. I hope the talk above is not somehow bad for anyone here. I think the message above about reducing my dependence on drugs for satisfaction in my life is a positive one and not something that will cause anyone to have a craving or anything - if that message is potentially harmful in some way that I just don't see, I am truly sorry and should get another warning or suspension or something if I have made another mistake here. It is about drugs, but nothing that I imagine would cause anyone any kind of turmoil or temptation seeing as it is about taking steps to gradually reduce my use and try to be happy and fulfilled without abusing drugs. I do intend to use them in a non-destructive way after I get myself down to a reasonable level of use, but I will not be talking about that here. My pain had little to do with drug use/abuse and I have not experienced the kind of pain so many here have from mistakes or accidents they have made/had with/from drugs. I can't possibly know what that is like as I have been fortunate enough to never have been in that situation, though the pain and struggles of those coping with drug problems are glaringly visible and exposed here for everyone to see.
I did just now take more drugs than I should have, but it is because I am in a lot of physical pain right now and just need relief from that. I did not just do it for fun or anything like that. I have a really bad migraine. I had a bad attack of pain from a condition affecting my trigeminal nerve and this time it has left some pretty significant residual pain (nothing like the mind warping torture of the attack - thankfully that agony was brief, lasting maybe 30 seconds). This condition has little impact on my overall quality of life as attacks are usually very brief. They occur in clusters for a few days to a couple of weeks, and then I typically have no more trouble for months. Most of the time, it is not really part of my life. If it starts getting much worse, there are treatments (surgical and non surgical) that can fix it. I won't do that unless it really becomes necessary. I'll admit though, it has been pretty difficult just to write this message because the pain really is quite bad right now and I really want it to get better.
I thought I was about to witness a suicide earlier today. There was a man on top of a building who was near the edge and bending over the edge. I can't really describe how I felt at that moment. After maybe five seconds or so, I see him lowering a cable down and I realize he was doing some kind of work up there. I was about to dial 911. I am really thankful that I misread that situation. I would never want to see anyone take their life. Suicide is a shame and a tragedy.
I guess that indescribablt feeling was some form of brief dissociation. I seem to be prone to feelings of dissociation under major pressure. Had an out of body experience where everything including my body dissolved and my senses ceased to function. I saw visions of the past and realized I was dying. This was not the result of a drug. It happened when I almost got ran over by a cow when I was eight years old. It was and still is a really important personal event in my life, something I am grateful to have experienced.
^herbavore:
I'd really like to see the movie you recommended here- it really sounds inspirational and something I could learn from - also got to see the Winter Soldier: Confessions of Vietnam Vets that you recommended to me.
I know what I did and went through is trivial compared to what people go through in war, but it is something of a similar nature that would still be relevant, inspiring, and possibly helpful to me - also sounds like something that would be painful to watch and hear, but very moving and uplifting at the same time. You seem like a really caring person, as do all the other Dark Side mods. I am guessing that you are also concerned with animal welfare and rights - I'd really like to just talk and discuss those issues with you some time - I have nobody in my life who has the kind of views and feelings as I do on the issue (other than my mom, but she is not really as similar to me as I think you might be). I would really love to get the chance to talk with and learn from someone I can really relate to. (Actually, I have had such conversations with my Chinese friend, but it would be more meaningful for me to speak with you since you know of my dark past. If I am mistaken about your compassion towards animals and possible activism or other support for just treatment of all beings who feel and experience being alive, sorry for misreading you like that. I am pretty sure I am right about you though...
Maybe this entire message was just a waste (I don't think it was - I think that kind of thought is just a part of the negative thought processes that I need to and am trying to change).
Also, sorry for making such a long post here, where most posts are short.
I am thankful to still be alive and intact in mind and body after multiple suicide attempts, potentially lethal self-destructive behavior, and reckless impulsive drug binges that could have ended in disaster.
I thought for a few days after that reckless binge last week that I had destroyed my cognitive abilities. The change in how my mind felt and worked had me worried, as it was something I have not felt before. Now I know that I am still cognitively intact and the changes in my thought processes and quieter mind were actually positive changes. My mind was never at rest or peace because of how I was suppressing all of those bad things I did and everyone around me did toward animals that did not deserve that kind of treatment - the quieter, calmer state of mind seems to be the result of letting go of the past, and trying to forgive myself. I honestly don't know how I ever managed to have such compassion toward animals when everyone around me abused them and considered them to be just as disposable as garbage. I really wish I had never tried to destroy my feelings of compassion towards and desire to help and understand animals. It was very harmful to me and led to my harming animals in a very misguided attempt to stop caring. After I came to my senses on the issue again, I did many things to sabotage my happiness and success to punish myself for what I had done and that was not helpful to any living thing. I should have spent that effort on trying to improve the lives of animals in any small way I possibly could instead of wasting my efforts on self hatred and making myself suffer. Maybe nothing I try to do to help make things better for animals will ever amount to anything or change anything, but I think I have to try. That was what I wanted in life before I made those horrible choices and now I want it even more because of my mistakes. Perhaps I am just a misguided fool, but at least I am trying to do the right thing.
I probably sound really narcissistic the way I said those good things about myself, but I really felt kind of bad and uncomfortable talking about myself like that - that is a truthful statement of how I feel.
Also seem to be cutting back just a bit with the drugs and I think I may significantly reduce my use over the coming weeks. I've felt pretty good the fairly small amount of time I have been sober lately. That is a big difference, I don't think I have been happy or even comfortable while sober in a very long time. If I can stay in good spirits without staying high, it would be kind of pointless to keep using drugs all the time like I normally do. No plans to give them up completely though or even make my use infrequent, but I would like to reduce my use drastically and I think I will be doing so over the coming weeks or few months - just really gradually cutting back to a more responsible level. Not sure how much I can reduce my hydrocodone use because I have fairly frequent severe migraines that are pretty much incapacitating without the hydrocodone. I would not be able to function well if I did not treat that pain adequately, so I'll have to use that regularly as long as the migraines continue. I'd like to stop using it to get high so much when I don't need it for the pain and I think I can achieve that without too much difficulty.
I know I made a screw up mentioning enjoying use of a drug in a place where that kind of thing is harmful and unacceptable because so many here are trying to get away from that - so many here are in pain because of their mistakes with drugs and the last thing they need is someone talking about how good they are feeling from using a drug. I was very wrong to do that here. I hope the talk above is not somehow bad for anyone here. I think the message above about reducing my dependence on drugs for satisfaction in my life is a positive one and not something that will cause anyone to have a craving or anything - if that message is potentially harmful in some way that I just don't see, I am truly sorry and should get another warning or suspension or something if I have made another mistake here. It is about drugs, but nothing that I imagine would cause anyone any kind of turmoil or temptation seeing as it is about taking steps to gradually reduce my use and try to be happy and fulfilled without abusing drugs. I do intend to use them in a non-destructive way after I get myself down to a reasonable level of use, but I will not be talking about that here. My pain had little to do with drug use/abuse and I have not experienced the kind of pain so many here have from mistakes or accidents they have made/had with/from drugs. I can't possibly know what that is like as I have been fortunate enough to never have been in that situation, though the pain and struggles of those coping with drug problems are glaringly visible and exposed here for everyone to see.
I did just now take more drugs than I should have, but it is because I am in a lot of physical pain right now and just need relief from that. I did not just do it for fun or anything like that. I have a really bad migraine. I had a bad attack of pain from a condition affecting my trigeminal nerve and this time it has left some pretty significant residual pain (nothing like the mind warping torture of the attack - thankfully that agony was brief, lasting maybe 30 seconds). This condition has little impact on my overall quality of life as attacks are usually very brief. They occur in clusters for a few days to a couple of weeks, and then I typically have no more trouble for months. Most of the time, it is not really part of my life. If it starts getting much worse, there are treatments (surgical and non surgical) that can fix it. I won't do that unless it really becomes necessary. I'll admit though, it has been pretty difficult just to write this message because the pain really is quite bad right now and I really want it to get better.
I thought I was about to witness a suicide earlier today. There was a man on top of a building who was near the edge and bending over the edge. I can't really describe how I felt at that moment. After maybe five seconds or so, I see him lowering a cable down and I realize he was doing some kind of work up there. I was about to dial 911. I am really thankful that I misread that situation. I would never want to see anyone take their life. Suicide is a shame and a tragedy.
I guess that indescribablt feeling was some form of brief dissociation. I seem to be prone to feelings of dissociation under major pressure. Had an out of body experience where everything including my body dissolved and my senses ceased to function. I saw visions of the past and realized I was dying. This was not the result of a drug. It happened when I almost got ran over by a cow when I was eight years old. It was and still is a really important personal event in my life, something I am grateful to have experienced.
^herbavore:
I'd really like to see the movie you recommended here- it really sounds inspirational and something I could learn from - also got to see the Winter Soldier: Confessions of Vietnam Vets that you recommended to me.
I know what I did and went through is trivial compared to what people go through in war, but it is something of a similar nature that would still be relevant, inspiring, and possibly helpful to me - also sounds like something that would be painful to watch and hear, but very moving and uplifting at the same time. You seem like a really caring person, as do all the other Dark Side mods. I am guessing that you are also concerned with animal welfare and rights - I'd really like to just talk and discuss those issues with you some time - I have nobody in my life who has the kind of views and feelings as I do on the issue (other than my mom, but she is not really as similar to me as I think you might be). I would really love to get the chance to talk with and learn from someone I can really relate to. (Actually, I have had such conversations with my Chinese friend, but it would be more meaningful for me to speak with you since you know of my dark past. If I am mistaken about your compassion towards animals and possible activism or other support for just treatment of all beings who feel and experience being alive, sorry for misreading you like that. I am pretty sure I am right about you though...
Maybe this entire message was just a waste (I don't think it was - I think that kind of thought is just a part of the negative thought processes that I need to and am trying to change).
Also, sorry for making such a long post here, where most posts are short.
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I am so happy I no longer label all the experiences in my life.. they are all good... I never have a bad day, a bad time, ect. it really is all in how i look at it.. I used to determine or predict a part of life as bad and it almost ended up being that way.. It is in my perception and I can change that.
Tryp, your post blew my mind. I'm thankful you shared all that.
I am thankful for my six month old grandson. I am thankful for the rain this morning. I am thankful for a long lost friend who has come back into my world, all grown and doing beautifully. I'm thankful for Cutie tangerines. (I eat about 12 of them every day.)
I am thankful for my six month old grandson. I am thankful for the rain this morning. I am thankful for a long lost friend who has come back into my world, all grown and doing beautifully. I'm thankful for Cutie tangerines. (I eat about 12 of them every day.)
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
^^ Tryp, you are right about me being an animal lover and caring about animal rights. 
^ugly, I LOVE cuties, too. No seeds, easy to peel, delicious and healthy.
(working on being) thankful for change(with fear sabotaging me every step of the way).![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
^ugly, I LOVE cuties, too. No seeds, easy to peel, delicious and healthy.
(working on being) thankful for change(with fear sabotaging me every step of the way).
I am thankful that the colour of the sunshine is starting to get tinges of gold in it, so much warmer on the soul than the icy white sun of deep winter.
Im thankful the work week is done, for a nice ti food dinner with patience awkward tonight, symphony tickets tomorrow, and all the crazy BLiters.
Black Rabbit of Inle
Bluelight Crew
I'm thankful that my anxieties are all being proven false.
My friends don't hate me because I never see them, they miss me. Spent the weekend getting all the loves from people I hadn't seen in person in years.
My friends don't hate me because I never see them, they miss me. Spent the weekend getting all the loves from people I hadn't seen in person in years.
I'm thankful that it time to start the cycle of gradually dropping winter layers.. soon it will be shorts, sandals, and t shirts.. which reminds me i'm going to be able to where T-Shirts for the first time in years.. better buy some.. Oh, and i'm thankful I now have money to buy some.. yeeah
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Daylight savings time is ending! I am grateful for the natural lengthening days of spring and the artificial "springing forward" that is the end of daylight savings time tonight.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Aww of course they miss you
Go hang out with them when you can. 
Today I'm thankful for good friends.
I'm thankful to be a part of my 2 homegroups and for my close friends I met in the fellowship (they were a couple and recently split up 
). Also grateful for having a vehicle. Gotta pick up this cute chick for a meeting, should be able to put the moves on her 
). Also grateful for having a vehicle. Gotta pick up this cute chick for a meeting, should be able to put the moves on her 
TheAppleCore
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Messages
- 5,510
Thankful for the fact that I'm never too ruffled by much, always keep a fairly positive attitude.
spork
Bluelight Crew
For another hour of sunlight, even though it might be fucking up my sleep schedule for the next few days a wee bit. 
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I'm thankful to be happy and to go to bed knowing my close friends care about me.
That's amazing maxalfie!
That's amazing maxalfie!
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