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Addiction Tightening the Screws

cyberius said:
Well I got in with my therapist today, he arranged some homework I can do to help retrain my brain. I'm not getting any crystal meth, the cravings are fully gone and I really don't want to introduce any more neurotoxicity especially while I'm already dealing with a metric ass ton of it.
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I'm interested to hear about the homework if you feel like sharing it. I really believe in the whole brain retraining thing. I'm old and I'm here to tell you that "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" is a lie.=D I've been plagued by anxiety my whole life until desperation led me to do the tedious work of fighting back with my own thoughts. I won, they lost and for the most part anxiety is no longer part of my life. Ten years ago I would have argued that it was my nature. It was in truth just habit and a defense that didn't do its job defending me.;)
 
I still wanna die.

If there was a button I could push to just end it all I could
 
sending hugs ~

The pain will subside eventually. Sorry you’re feeling it. Have you ever used a tens unit? This is kinda weird, but sometimes when I get into a really low mind frame I put the pads on different parts of my body just to focus on a physical sensation if even to distract me for ten minutes.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
look at main listing of threads for sober living on a desktop computer, then double click the thread, and you should be able to change the title.

P.S. I already did that for this thread ;)
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Cool I don't have a computer I mod on my phone so some of the technical stuff doesn't work. I'm always afraid I'll make a mess
 
Doc taught me relaxation techniques and it's helping. But I'm still blowing things out of proportion. I have this idea in my head im mentally challenged, and that I can't overcome obstacles in my life because of it so I don't try. I'm getting meds thankfully but this is so stressful
 
I RELAPSED UGH FUCK. This is terrible I took benzedrex and now my cravings are 10x as strong...
 
should I tell my therapist I relapsed? I cant fucking life like this again
 
Hangover time from booze n benzedrex mmmm that felt nasty as fuck and I feel brainfucked
 
Doubled my benzedrex dose today. I stole these ones so tonight is another all time low. Super anxious and edgy right now, I don't ever get a good speed anymore, only irritation.

I think I'm ugly and my voice is weird and gross, like I sound kinda retarded.
 
God yeah lol and

Apparently because of the long term dopamine depletion my comedowns are akin to physical comatose. Ever wonder, why do I even breathe? Well I didn't either until I emptied dopaminergic pathways in parts of the brain responsible for physiological survival.
 
Note to self :

The best hangover cure is a fifth of Tennessee Jack Daniel$ and a sexy girly! Hachachacha I barely remember why i hate myself!
 
cyberius said:
I have this idea in my head im mentally challenged, and that I can't overcome obstacles in my life because of it so I don't try. I'm getting meds thankfully but this is so stressful
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I have read a fair amount of your posts over the last year and a half - if there is one thing you are not it is mentally challenged. That absolutely leaps out of your writing and the way you present yourself. But I also know how insidious and irrational fears can eat you alive.

It looks dark now, but it will get better.

- VE
 
Is there any way out but down? I just can't be bothered to make any sort of change, its more worth it to be high at this point because at least I feel kinda less shitty
 
Quit therapy today, the crushing weight of depression makes it too hard to do much. At least I'll have medication in a week. Feeling negative
 
Just had a terrifying moment of clarity, my discretions are harming my loved ones onevery level and I felt empathy for the first time in a while. Along the years many experiences completely hardened me, trauma and social exclusion plagued every aspect of my life going back to 4th grade. I was raped. Somewhere along the line I just stopped feeling anything but pain. I think some level of sociopathy occured and I began seeing only through my need for control. It's very terrifying to think that I've pressured everyone around me into enabling me. I'm very cold amd cunning to my ends and it's gross.

1/28/18

This day has been filled with awareness of conflicting emotions and confusion. I believe I'm pretty deep in a long term psychosis but there's hope after all.
 
Don't beat yourself up. Your brain chemistry is all kinds of out of whack right now so alot of those feelings aren't real. We all have regrets but the best way to live is forward.
 
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