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....thoughts of suicide?

wesmdow

wesmdow

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 13, 2004
Messages
4,016
to start, im not gonna kill myself.

BUT...... it doesnt stop the movies playing in my head.

whenever i feel really, really down, it comforts me to think of the cold steel of a pistol in my mouth, followed by the terrible sting of a bullet peircing the roof of my mouth, followed by PEACE.

this happens often to me. i often fantasize about suicide.

...ive never told anyone about it, because i dont want to hurt them

is this normal?

do yall fantasize about killing yourselfs 3-4 times a day?
 
no its not. you probably need either a psychologist or a dear loving friend to talk to you about all the wonderful things worth living for.

I've only had two suicidal thoughts in my life, where I actually was considering suicide an option. I don't consider it an option anymore.

Cherish life, cherish love. . . try and keep a sense of optimism that the future will be worth it.
Killing yourself is the easy, cowardice thing to do. Dealing with your problems and learning to adjust to "whatever life throws your way" - Will literally SAVE your LIFE!
 
^hes right.

i also dont want to kill myself. its more like this:

whenever i feel terrible, i can just IMAGINE what itd be like to end it all. NO feelings, NO pain. NO NOTHING. it plays over and over and over in my head. i dont want to, nor will i kill myself.

i just dont know how to deal with these thoughts.... i seem to have no control, and its scary.

also, fuck "loving love." so far the only REAL love ive found is from my parents. no one else.

:( i just feel so alone right now. i dont feel like im WORTH loving. (i certainly dont like me... let alone LOVE me!)


i think ill go get drunk untill i puke//////get hungover. much more pleasurable than THIS.

thanks for the support tho! i really do appreciate it! :)
 
I love you.. I don't know you, but I love most people; and Im sure you're no different.

I talked a friend outta shooting his brains out literally once, and I did it by telling him that I loved him, and the world loved him, and the world needed him. It worked then.

Personally, Ive been on antidepressants for a long time (until recently), I used to be addicted to heroin, my favorite girlfriend killed herself with pills and liqour after attempting to kill herself a number of times beforehand. I've felt soo lonely at times, so lonely that I felt no love in my life at all for months at a time.. I had to learn to love myself... and how I did that?

Well for me, I travelled to the poor country of Bolivia and did work for the Humanitarian Alliance for two weeks. Seeing all the poor starving families and children, with no electricity, and no toilets..... well lets just say those people were happier than I was, and it showed me that 1) through compassion and self-lessness .. self love will be generated naturally. and 2) If people who had NOTHING could be happier than me (who had/has everything) than I had an unrealistic expectation of life. Its not what YOU expect out of life, but what LIFE expects from you!
 
A) i didnt ask to be brought into this world.

B) i am REALLY not contemplating suicide.

just these stupid, selfish thoughts keep finding their way into my head!!!!! its so annoying.

FOR EXAMPLE: i used to HATE HATE HATE coke comedowns. now coming down is preferable to being sober.

i just cant help watching it OVER AND OVER in my head.

do i have a problem? do "normal" people do this?
 
Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry? everyone will have his day to die!
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here
 
Well... coming down is preferable to being sober, you say. That is one fucked up statement in my book. Have you considered that there may be a connection between using coke and suicidal thoughts? Have you read "Less than Zero" by Brett Easton Ellis? I recommend it, a good read that illustrates the destructiveness and pointlessness of cocaine quite well.
 
wesmdow:

You're not killing yourself. You're just thinking about it, and it's going over and over like an endless repetetive film reel in your head. I can say that when I've been depressed, suicide has been almost constantly on my mind, and especially whilst drunk.

Those thoughts seemed to seep into my mind from every possible angle; I revelled in the thought of escaping in oblivion (not 'PEACE'; death: who says the dead are at peace?) and loved to come up with brilliant strategies of how I'd accomplish such interesting methods of self-destruction; feats of spectacular brilliance that'd make my own suicide a horrifying memory for the whole nation.

But then my mood changed, and now I'm more or less on the positive side of life. Things go up and down. It changes a lot, and it can get irritating. But in the end you're just thinking, and saying that you'd rather be 'coming down' from cocaine seems to me as though you enjoy, perhaps on some level, the idea of suffering and pain, and even suicide.

Is sobriety so bad that you can only feel "normal" whilst coming down, where you don't have to think about killing yourself? I'm not sure. Really. Give us some more: talk to me. I'm actually more useful at helping people than some might think.

Incase you're all wondering, I don't just buy thousands of slightly creepy looking garden gnomes and place them around Zophen's house whilst he sleeps to give him "the fear of gnomes" that he deserves; I'm worth more than that. I really am.

So for fucks sake, will somebody PM me with a problem for once instead of my offering to help via PM and never actually recieving a message? I could turn around your entire bloody life! Then again, I may occasionally be slightly off, which'd possibly mean that I could turn your life into a bloody end! But, ah, luck's like that y'know?

Take care my chickens 'n' all other amphibians, 'cause I love time-release morphine! O' that I do!
It makes sunshine come out of certain orifices...
%)
 
I think about killing myself a fair bit; a few times a day or on days like today when I'm feeling shitty I think about it constantly :| I always have just thought to myself that these thoughts aren't going to go anywhere as I'm not actually ever going to do it, but it's like, uh, how can you tell if you're really close to the edge or not? Fuck knows. Freaks me out a little bit.
 
wesmdow said:
do yall fantasize about killing yourselfs 3-4 times a day?
Click to expand...

I think that I have thought about it every day of my adult life - but there is absolutely no way that I would want to do it. There are too many things I want to do in life to end it already.


NO feelings, NO pain. NO NOTHING
Click to expand...

Ketamine? ;)
 
^ i cant find any k.

and cmon, if im gonna use drugs to mask ANYTHING, i think MY drug of choice would be heroin, or at least valium/xanax
 
I do the same thing. It helps me cope.

My two most common fantasies are tieing a rope to my neck connected with the hand rail of the water tower and jumping off.
And breaking into a vets office and drinking the entire bottle of that barb they used to euthanise pets.
 
its not really "now and then"

theyre usually pretty frequent--the reason the thoughts scare me so much.
 
So please, explain to us what you find in cocaine comedowns that is preferable to being sober and without cocaine affecting you?

Everyone thinks about suicide, I'm certain. But you're thinking about it far too much even though you insist that there is no chance of you actually carrying out a suicide attempt.

Tell us more about your life, please, and why you're depressed. I assume you're depressed because you're thinking about suicide constantly, and that really needs to be fixed. Also, you find comedowns preferable to being sober...

Something is wrong here, and we need to know in order to help; advice can only be given by this community based upon what you describe to us.
 
How does it help me cope? I will use an analogy to explain it.

Lets say your having a terrible 7g mushroom trip. Aborting the trip with lots of benzo's (compared to ending you life) would be quite a normal thought. Now, life is not as bad as a terrible trip, but sometimes I get really down and feel excesive guilt about my life. The thought of aborting life seems very comforting, and it makes me think about my overall choice: Life over death. Standing up and saying I have a choice, and just knowing you have a choice can free me from bad emotions.

That and I don't cut anymore because I like to show off my body from working out. Keep in mind I'm borderline, so this may not make sense to some people.
 
Is it a comfort thought? What I mean is, when things are getting you down or annoyed or depressed or angry is it a way of escaping from the problem and playing the thoughts out in your head to allow yourself an "option" so that you don't feel so trapped and helpless with no control over what's happening?
When you've thought about it do you feel better knowing that if everything did get too bad you could stop it all so that at the end of the day nothing will ever be really that bad because the worst thing of all YOU have control over?
 
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