This Life and The Struggle

It is disturbing because my gf's mother had this theory that she was possessed by a demon. I also felt her presence very closely in my backyard, like she tugged on my shirt, and have had numerous dreams about her since she passed. But in this bout of sleep paralysis she was still very much on my mind, but it was a bunch of different creepy scenarios, and yes I died at least once or twice and would essentially respawn.

I got no presence in the room this time, but I have had it before. It was like a deep blank force standing beside my bed, also happened in the house I'm living in now during a bout of sleep paralysis, just years and years ago.

I worry that death has not brought her the peace she needed but I am going to pray for her more. It's all I can do really. I am a Christian, but I am not particularly devout or evangelical in my beliefs.
 
Well we said(Orthodox),that after death the soul is in-between the two worlds.So it can go to places,that she feel connected with.After 40 days passed the soul go in oblivion.....if the proper ritual(depending on religious believes) have been done.If there isn't such rituals the soul may cannot pass beyond and stay here.From here comes the believe of ghosts.In example in our religion priest cannot make the ritual in case of suicide.That's why burial rituals and prayers are so significant in every religion...even in tribal believes systems.The birth and death are two greatest moments in human life.Hold on man....courage,courage🙏🙏🙏
 
deficiT said:
Today is my 30th birthday. I'll be going to a high school football game with my folks, it'll be the school I and my stepmom graduated from vs the school my stepdad graduated from. Should be a good time!
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I'll be watching the AFL (Aussie Rules footy) Grand Final 😬 Yay!!

So are you 23rd Sept? American time confuses me!
 
deficiT said:
It is disturbing because my gf's mother had this theory that she was possessed by a demon. I also felt her presence very closely in my backyard, like she tugged on my shirt, and have had numerous dreams about her since she passed. But in this bout of sleep paralysis she was still very much on my mind, but it was a bunch of different creepy scenarios, and yes I died at least once or twice and would essentially respawn.

I got no presence in the room this time, but I have had it before. It was like a deep blank force standing beside my bed, also happened in the house I'm living in now during a bout of sleep paralysis, just years and years ago.

I worry that death has not brought her the peace she needed but I am going to pray for her more. It's all I can do really. I am a Christian, but I am not particularly devout or evangelical in my beliefs.
Click to expand...
"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of a dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

deficiT,

I am sending you love and hugs. My heart is with you as I also send you birthday wishes. You are so young...I remember my 30th birthday. I rented a limo with my soon to be ex-husband, who was my boyfriend of one year at the time and we went on the town with a few friends. I looked amazing, but who doesn't look fantastic at 30? Just had my 58th. Talk a about a crazy ride, thus far.

Just to chime in, Satan has come to me in my dreams on three separate, distinct and unforgettable occasions over my lifetime. First time was in my teens I recall, and the last was a few years ago. After being raised Catholic but having no real relationship with Christ or God, etc., I reached a point in 2016 where I was at the lowest point I could possibly be. My parents were both dead, my only living family (sister) was an alcoholic mess who was actively trying to ruin my reputation in the same industry we worked in (professional), my closest lifetime friend had died, my favorite aunt I was named after passed and my hubby at the time was hateful and made it known he despised my very presence. I really had no reason to be on the planet, so i thought.

I took about a month to find the perfect concrete pillar on the freeway to drive into going at 90 mph so as to end the misery. For days, I romanced this thought and finally had a day chosen and was more ready that I believe I thought I could be. The day I had chosen, the day when I was closer to ever being to death in my life, where I truly wanted it and didn't care what happened afterward, I was the recipient of a miracle. I still think about it every second I am alive since that February day in 2016, sitting in my bedroom staring at the wall when the best way I can explain it was a shock of spirt and blinding light everywhere that put me in a position where i was almost thrown out of my chair, I could not move, my head and body was frozen and tears were runnig down my face. I couldn't see anything but this light so bright I thought I was blinded, but it didn't hurt. In that second I felt all the anger, hate, regret, pity fear, everything that was the old part of who I was before that moment and it just fell away. I felt like I was on the greatest type of drugs you can't even imagine -- it was unexplainable. And in that moment, I felt, or saw with my thought the spirit of Christ or God and no words were spoken, but the love and sudden feeling that God was with me -- and I was stone-cold sober!!!

This perfect spirit energy -- God, or I call him/her Ray for my atheist friend -- changed me so profoundly, I was never to be the same. He was man/woman. I can't explain it, but it is easier to say He. Now I see demons everywhere, and the world in a way i was blind to. I didn't leave the house for a couple of months. I was selfish and did not care about anyone else. I was put on a path toward a calling I'm at the halfway point for His reasons. The Enemy, or Satan, knew something was going to happen. I think he put my cancer scare into my life because he hasn't been successful in other ways. Doctrines in all world's different religions are demonic and a problem.

From my brief time know the Creator and following the path he has set out for me, I am confident He has not forsaken your love. Satan is a liar and deceiver. Do not let him make you feel doubt and grief about her spirit. You are vulnerable right now and he knows it and is counting on it to weaken you. You are stronger than that. I can sense your loving heart and kind goodness.

Take that great life you have spread out in front of you -- all of those years you have to do anything you want to do, to make anything you want of yourself. You can honor her love and how she influenced you at this time in your life by remembering her with love and happiness. She will live on that way in your and other's hearts.

As Francois Rabelais said on his deathbed at his final moment, "I go to seek a Great Perhaps."

Love to you always,

V
 
Rainman1964 said:
"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of a dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

deficiT,

I am sending you love and hugs. My heart is with you as I also send you birthday wishes. You are so young...I remember my 30th birthday. I rented a limo with my soon to be ex-husband, who was my boyfriend of one year at the time and we went on the town with a few friends. I looked amazing, but who doesn't look fantastic at 30? Just had my 58th. Talk a about a crazy ride, thus far.

Just to chime in, Satan has come to me in my dreams on three separate, distinct and unforgettable occasions over my lifetime. First time was in my teens I recall, and the last was a few years ago. After being raised Catholic but having no real relationship with Christ or God, etc., I reached a point in 2016 where I was at the lowest point I could possibly be. My parents were both dead, my only living family (sister) was an alcoholic mess who was actively trying to ruin my reputation in the same industry we worked in (professional), my closest lifetime friend had died, my favorite aunt I was named after passed and my hubby at the time was hateful and made it known he despised my very presence. I really had no reason to be on the planet, so i thought.

I took about a month to find the perfect concrete pillar on the freeway to drive into going at 90 mph so as to end the misery. For days, I romanced this thought and finally had a day chosen and was more ready that I believe I thought I could be. The day I had chosen, the day when I was closer to ever being to death in my life, where I truly wanted it and didn't care what happened afterward, I was the recipient of a miracle. I still think about it every second I am alive since that February day in 2016, sitting in my bedroom staring at the wall when the best way I can explain it was a shock of spirt and blinding light everywhere that put me in a position where i was almost thrown out of my chair, I could not move, my head and body was frozen and tears were runnig down my face. I couldn't see anything but this light so bright I thought I was blinded, but it didn't hurt. In that second I felt all the anger, hate, regret, pity fear, everything that was the old part of who I was before that moment and it just fell away. I felt like I was on the greatest type of drugs you can't even imagine -- it was unexplainable. And in that moment, I felt, or saw with my thought the spirit of Christ or God and no words were spoken, but the love and sudden feeling that God was with me -- and I was stone-cold sober!!!

This perfect spirit energy -- God, or I call him/her Ray for my atheist friend -- changed me so profoundly, I was never to be the same. He was man/woman. I can't explain it, but it is easier to say He. Now I see demons everywhere, and the world in a way i was blind to. I didn't leave the house for a couple of months. I was selfish and did not care about anyone else. I was put on a path toward a calling I'm at the halfway point for His reasons. The Enemy, or Satan, knew something was going to happen. I think he put my cancer scare into my life because he hasn't been successful in other ways. Doctrines in all world's different religions are demonic and a problem.

From my brief time know the Creator and following the path he has set out for me, I am confident He has not forsaken your love. Satan is a liar and deceiver. Do not let him make you feel doubt and grief about her spirit. You are vulnerable right now and he knows it and is counting on it to weaken you. You are stronger than that. I can sense your loving heart and kind goodness.

Take that great life you have spread out in front of you -- all of those years you have to do anything you want to do, to make anything you want of yourself. You can honor her love and how she influenced you at this time in your life by remembering her with love and happiness. She will live on that way in your and other's hearts.

As Francois Rabelais said on his deathbed at his final moment, "I go to seek a Great Perhaps."

Love to you always,

V
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Wow, what beautiful things to say. Thank you for all your kind words. I had a very similar epiphany while sitting in a jail cell in solitary confinement for a week, also stone cold sober, a little over a year ago. Since then I have had very little suicidal ideation, aside from my one slip up I've been doing fairly well on that front.
 
deficiT said:
Wow, what beautiful things to say. Thank you for all your kind words. I had a very similar epiphany while sitting in a jail cell in solitary confinement for a week, also stone cold sober, a little over a year ago. Since then I have had very little suicidal ideation, aside from my one slip up I've been doing fairly well on that front.
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deficiT,

you are going to be better than ok. Someday you will agree but you can't see it now; you are at the threshold of your life and have seen nor experienced anything that counts in your life yet. SECRET: we really don't feel or know how to think, act and be an actual functioning adult yet. And we never will!!! The older we get the more we discover we never know anything.

Love,

V
 
Nurse Ratched said:
When you get a minute we need an update. Or at least I do.
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I've been good. Keeping up with school. Working. Focusing on music. Staying busy has kept my mind off everything. Listening to this version of Sasha and I singing a Nirvana song all of a sudden made me tear up at work.



She stays on my mind. Sleep schedule is a little whacky. My psychiatrist is being a bitch. I switched back to Gabapentin from Lyrica. She finally refilled my Vyvanse but only 30mg which is bullshit. But I guess they'll increase it as we go. She wants me to take a drug screen every month the bitch. Whatever. Figuring it out I guess.
 
deficiT said:
I've been good. Keeping up with school. Working. Focusing on music. Staying busy has kept my mind off everything. Listening to this version of Sasha and I singing a Nirvana song all of a sudden made me tear up at work.



She stays on my mind. Sleep schedule is a little whacky. My psychiatrist is being a bitch. I switched back to Gabapentin from Lyrica. She finally refilled my Vyvanse but only 30mg which is bullshit. But I guess they'll increase it as we go. She wants me to take a drug screen every month the bitch. Whatever. Figuring it out I guess.
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You know what? Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto. (S. King)

Here is something to make you smile a little bit, hopefully: Mokokoma Mokhonoana wrote that "True freedom of speech includes the freedom to call someone a bitch."

You were exercising your rights and did not even know it. That is a positive note to chomp on I think.

Always sending you love and positive thoughts.

V
 
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