This Life and The Struggle

[deficiT]

********TRIGGER WARNING******** DARK SHIT, SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH*********







3 suicide attempts. 4 trips to rehab. 3 trips to the behavioral health unit. 4 overdoses. 1 trip to solitary confinement in jail for a week. So many car wrecks. Since 2014.

These are the dire consequences of the life I live and the result of my fatal impulses. It's like I seek destruction as a means and an end, and I finally have a feeling like I can overcome these things but it is still so difficult. I get antsy. I get anxiety. I am stable but devastation is always on deck to be released.

I have permanent physical consequences from my last suicide attempt. I severed an artery in my wrist with a sharp pocket knife, and I enflamed the tendonitis in my left knee to new levels after falling down some steps. These might be somewhat minor to some, but I now have this shit to upkeep and a permanent pain, I can no longer kneel or do a lot of normal things.

I'm starting this blog simply to tell my story and get my feelings out. I have to put it somewhere. And I trust the community of Bluelight to offer advice and solidarity as I go through these struggles. I am unemployed. Living at home with folks thankfully. But I'm at the point of desperation, all of my loans are behind and I have maybe 10 dollars to my name in all my accounts and stocks aside from my IRA. I'm hurting. I need help but the only person that can get me there is myself. Probably 6 months til I can drive, but my probation should be over in 2 months.

I'm getting there but it's tough. This is where I'm at. Feel free to tell me where you're at, I'd love to hear from all of you in your own individual ways. We are all important and we all have something to offer. That is the point of this website.

Anyway, I'll quit rambling for now. Sending you all love and positive energy. More to come I'm sure. I might write a book here who knows.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Go ahead and write here everyday. I look forward to reading it. And will try and encourage you every step of the way.

 

[mal3volent]

Yeah man, I never subscribe to threads but I will keep up with this one. We are here to listen whenever you need us, with no judgment.

 

[deficiT]

Got my stitches out today. It is still pretty open so had to get some steri strips on there. I made sure to take some pictures for anyone with some morbid curiosity. Here ya go:

Spoiler: Cut

Spoiler: Steri strips

I have been dealing with a little bit of anhedonia and depression since moving back home with my folks. Nothing dire or powerful, just that mild set of malaise that so often lingers around me. I'm considering switching up my meds a little bit, I would like to switch the Wellbutrin out for Effexor. I have been on effexor before, and in addition to being pretty effective for me for depression/anxiety, it is also a somewhat effective med for chronic pain.

And I also want to push my abilify up to 10mg from 5mg. I think those changes will do a fair bit to just get me off of my ass. The combination of Wellbutrin and Vyvanse just gives me physical anxiety and overstimulation, they are kinda opposing in how they work. And although I think the Wellbutrin is alright as an antidepressant, I think I need something a little bit stronger. I am not too worried about getting manic, as long as I keep on abilify and Seroquel, I should keep pretty stable. Effexor was definitely effective for me, I think I will give my psych doctor a call Monday to see if we can switch those up.

I'm still staying positive and optimistic, just feeling a bit useless. I'm not used to being this physically debilitated, and my knee is still holding me back big time. I've been passing the time playing some video games, which has been good for the most part.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Hope y'all are doing well!

 

[mal3volent]

Got my stitches out today. It is still pretty open so had to get some steri strips on there. I made sure to take some pictures for anyone with some morbid curiosity. Here ya go:

Spoiler: Cut

Spoiler: Steri strips

I have been dealing with a little bit of anhedonia and depression since moving back home with my folks. Nothing dire or powerful, just that mild set of malaise that so often lingers around me. I'm considering switching up my meds a little bit, I would like to switch the Wellbutrin out for Effexor. I have been on effexor before, and in addition to being pretty effective for me for depression/anxiety, it is also a somewhat effective med for chronic pain.

And I also want to push my abilify up to 10mg from 5mg. I think those changes will do a fair bit to just get me off of my ass. The combination of Wellbutrin and Vyvanse just gives me physical anxiety and overstimulation, they are kinda opposing in how they work. And although I think the Wellbutrin is alright as an antidepressant, I think I need something a little bit stronger. I am not too worried about getting manic, as long as I keep on abilify and Seroquel, I should keep pretty stable. Effexor was definitely effective for me, I think I will give my psych doctor a call Monday to see if we can switch those up.

I'm still staying positive and optimistic, just feeling a bit useless. I'm not used to being this physically debilitated, and my knee is still holding me back big time. I've been passing the time playing some video games, which has been good for the most part.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Hope y'all are doing well!

Wellbutrin made my anxiety worse too lol... also terrible nightmares. Never tried Effexor but you know what you respond to and it sounds like you have a solid plan there. If you get a switch let me know and we can play sometime.

 

[deficiT]

Wellbutrin made my anxiety worse too lol... also terrible nightmares. Never tried Effexor but you know what you respond to and it sounds like you have a solid plan there. If you get a switch let me know and we can play sometime.

Yeah I think it's fucking with my sleep. I went to bed at 11pm last night, woke up at 2am this AM couldn't go back to sleep. I've been sleeping sorta alright mostly but I feel like I can't sleep any longer than 7 or 8 hours, which obviously isn't enough when you're super depressed lol. Yeah Effexor worked better than any other regular SSRI for me, so I think it's the best thing for rn. Also considering starting back on Suboxone as well. I'm just physically miserable and a mere 2mg bupe this AM made me feel so much better.

Yeah lol I had a Switch but my ex's little niece straight stole it from me! Sneaky little shit haha. Like mother/aunt like daughter I reckon lol.

 

[Deleted member 554582]

3 times Evangelic rehabs between 3 and 6 months-all across Europe,2 times expensive rehab for 2 weeks each,2 times psychiatry rehab for couple of weeks.Brutal car accident before 20 years...nearly 50 .....so seen a lot...that many have seen&some things and events that few had seen.....last five years was in many ways worst....not only I am not young like before .....from an year got improvement....and walk,not run anymore.There is a hope....and joy&laugh.....all for the man

 

[deficiT]

Got some very good news on the job front y'all. I had been trying to get this 3 month temp IT job with Google, and it looks like I got it! Tentatively anyway, just gotta get all of the background check and info pushed through and then I'll be good to go. Just hoping that doesn't go sideways.

I'll be making pretty damn awesome bank, and luckily the timing/location is perfect for me to just carpool with my step mom.

Seems like things might finally be working out!!!

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Got some very good news on the job front y'all. I had been trying to get this 3 month temp IT job with Google, and it looks like I got it! Tentatively anyway, just gotta get all of the background check and info pushed through and then I'll be good to go. Just hoping that doesn't go sideways.

I'll be making pretty damn awesome bank, and luckily the timing/location is perfect for me to just carpool with my step mom.

Seems like things might finally be working out!!!

That's truly fantastic. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you. Wouldn't that just be the cat's meow if you could make some money and put most of it in the bank since you are living with your folks atm. Wouldn't take long at all to save up enough for your own digs again.

I'm really happy for you deficit.

 

[Rainman1964]

deficit,

You are a beautiful human being who is making his way through this life in the best way that you can. When we are stressed, nothing goes right. Since my husband of 28 years and I finally called it quits, I've been in a fog of shit -- illicit substances, drinking a lot of beer (even for breakfast sometimes), smoking up to a pack of cigarettes, but I quit 4 days ago. However, I can't get the patches to stay stuck to my skin, so I had a rocky start and yesterday, I finally had a cigarette-free 24 hour period. I need to loose about 40 to 50 pounds to be healthy and at my normal weight again, but I'm purposely avoiding my regular healthy diet and eating cake, drinking beer, skipping meals and forget exercise. I am not a person who is overwieght, but I feel deep inside myself that I cannot channel my regular discipline, thinking and proper living. It is like I am living in a bad dream and I will wake up and be back home.

But I know I need to move on. Especially for me. I'm making the changes -- which I won't get into -- but I'm still in the twilight zone. One thing I really am envious about you is that your parents are alive. I'm older so my folks have passed, but it was so great to be able to go home -- the smell, the comfort and security, then eventually desire to flee (he he) -- and loving that they were ALWAYS there for me my entire life.

I am thinking about you and sending you positive energy and good thoughts.

Be strong. Courage!

V

 

[Nurse Ratched]

It's been a few days. I need a fix and that fix is an update on how things are going.

 

[wareika]

Hey,

I've never been one for platitudes to keep on living. They don't really work on me and i don't know how to dispense them.

Recently when i realised i can't trust my everyday mind much anymore - too small & negative & conniving - i thought my dreams are maybe the only reasonable voice to listen to. Listen to them if it's your own last resort.

What i will offer is simply the perspective that this life is about moments of ecstasy we can log between now and our death - like the sinew and the bone inside us, it's so very dense when you are human - between now and our death there is much magnified good you can do for your Individual self.

When you stare down demons here it is for Courage in many worlds.

In that sense all i wish you is Patience for this world & a calm courage in Speech whenever you meet these demons in flight, sooner or later these demons in the subconscious are gonna tip topple like dominoes. They're not built to fuck with anything forever.

 

[PtahTek]

Bro,
For many a year now I have felt overwhelmed and a deep sense of drowning in life's eddys. It is not just my own personal issues but those of the ones I hold dear.
Living a double life (middle aged whitey male and elderly asian female) has been complex and difficult to say the least. She has no one to help she cannot read/write english and trying to keep her medical shit afloat and on point has driven me to distractions millions of times (they do not make it easy) and most of the time I let my own well being sit on the back burner and deal with it: I am tired AF, aging, not in the best of health mentally or physically, stressed all the fuckin time and just want to walk away from it all sometimes (not suicide). I cannot. Even though her health is declining menatllay/physically and showing signs that I take as her not giving a fuck about what I have to deal with in life I know she does care and this is killing me ATM. I mean this quite literally.
From one day to the next it is always something and it does not get any better/easier. Add the two cats (my only babies) and watching her kick at budah this morning almost threw me into a rage as anyone/thing I love who gets treated this way is in need of the instant beat down in my book fuck da police and they mamas.
It is getting harder and more difficult to see past everything as it is constantly in my face and not only domestic but global in nature. Decline and degeneration. I just want to escape the madness....
Honestly I do not know how I am still here and standing. The why I kinda understand but instead of more drugs to calm me I take less. And do not want to even rely on the one that I am on now at super low dose but the old back/neck shit has a lot to do with me staying on my feet and fighting all this BS to the end (which is why y'all may see me posting that I welcome exiting this tragic stage constantly).
This isn't about me I get it but just trying to throw a perspective out there in hopes that taken collectively there may be something for someone at sometime that may help with finding "answers" to issues we all go through.
I love BL as my global family and would do anything I am able to for this community.
After all I would be sorely disappointed to find in the end that none of it actually matters... but I think it does and will stand until I cant stand no more and literally drop where I am supposed to.
Love ya, man.
Love you all.
Always hoping the best but experiences tend to make me expect the worst. My duality. My fight with whatever is there to oppose me.
1

 

[deficiT]

deficit,

You are a beautiful human being who is making his way through this life in the best way that you can. When we are stressed, nothing goes right. Since my husband of 28 years and I finally called it quits, I've been in a fog of shit -- illicit substances, drinking a lot of beer (even for breakfast sometimes), smoking up to a pack of cigarettes, but I quit 4 days ago. However, I can't get the patches to stay stuck to my skin, so I had a rocky start and yesterday, I finally had a cigarette-free 24 hour period. I need to loose about 40 to 50 pounds to be healthy and at my normal weight again, but I'm purposely avoiding my regular healthy diet and eating cake, drinking beer, skipping meals and forget exercise. I am not a person who is overwieght, but I feel deep inside myself that I cannot channel my regular discipline, thinking and proper living. It is like I am living in a bad dream and I will wake up and be back home.

But I know I need to move on. Especially for me. I'm making the changes -- which I won't get into -- but I'm still in the twilight zone. One thing I really am envious about you is that your parents are alive. I'm older so my folks have passed, but it was so great to be able to go home -- the smell, the comfort and security, then eventually desire to flee (he he) -- and loving that they were ALWAYS there for me my entire life.

I am thinking about you and sending you positive energy and good thoughts.

Be strong. Courage!

V

Thank you for saying all of this, I really appreciate it

It's been a few days. I need a fix and that fix is an update on how things are going.

I kinda lunched a little bit and missed some replies on here.

But anyway, as some of you may know, I recently suffered a pretty massive loss. I'm not really sharing it yet beyond family and some staff as it hasn't been mentioned publicly, but look for a shrine post soon and I will probably update here when possible.

That has pretty much engulfed my subconscious at the moment. But as far as coping goes, I recently got back on buprenorphine which has been the right thing to do, as I just can't deal with the opioid PAWS anymore and need something to help. It has helped immensely.

I've gotta do a piss test tomorrow for probation. Can't really fudge it due to having to provide proof of med compliance. But I'm gonna be chugging water and apple cider vinegar today so I hopefully don't fail for benzos, as I did at the Suboxone doctor. I also recently switched from Wellbutrin back to effexor, which has been a major upgrade so far.

I'm sticking close to family at the moment, and went to a BBQ with a friend last night and made a new friend. That was really nice, my new friend grows a massive variety of peppers and gave me a ton of really cool obscure ones (yes some Carolina reapers too but also some that are even hotter) for my stepdads garden. He also gave me a book about medicinal teas, and my idea to open up a supplement (plus tea now) shop has been re awoken, and I even brought the idea up with my family as something we could work on together to bring in income, and they were open to the idea. It's a low overhead idea and something I could easily just start an Etsy shop with, so I'm gonna try and distract myself with some of that.

Hey,

I've never been one for platitudes to keep on living. They don't really work on me and i don't know how to dispense them.

Recently when i realised i can't trust my everyday mind much anymore - too small & negative & conniving - i thought my dreams are maybe the only reasonable voice to listen to. Listen to them if it's your own last resort.

What i will offer is simply the perspective that this life is about moments of ecstasy we can log between now and our death - like the sinew and the bone inside us, it's so very dense when you are human - between now and our death there is much magnified good you can do for your Individual self.

When you stare down demons here it is for Courage in many worlds.

In that sense all i wish you is Patience for this world & a calm courage in Speech whenever you meet these demons in flight, sooner or later these demons in the subconscious are gonna tip topple like dominoes. They're not built to fuck with anything forever.

Thanks for that wareika. Like Axl Rose said, all we need is just a little patience

Bro,
For many a year now I have felt overwhelmed and a deep sense of drowning in life's eddys. It is not just my own personal issues but those of the ones I hold dear.
Living a double life (middle aged whitey male and elderly asian female) has been complex and difficult to say the least. She has no one to help she cannot read/write english and trying to keep her medical shit afloat and on point has driven me to distractions millions of times (they do not make it easy) and most of the time I let my own well being sit on the back burner and deal with it: I am tired AF, aging, not in the best of health mentally or physically, stressed all the fuckin time and just want to walk away from it all sometimes (not suicide). I cannot. Even though her health is declining menatllay/physically and showing signs that I take as her not giving a fuck about what I have to deal with in life I know she does care and this is killing me ATM. I mean this quite literally.
From one day to the next it is always something and it does not get any better/easier. Add the two cats (my only babies) and watching her kick at budah this morning almost threw me into a rage as anyone/thing I love who gets treated this way is in need of the instant beat down in my book fuck da police and they mamas.
It is getting harder and more difficult to see past everything as it is constantly in my face and not only domestic but global in nature. Decline and degeneration. I just want to escape the madness....
Honestly I do not know how I am still here and standing. The why I kinda understand but instead of more drugs to calm me I take less. And do not want to even rely on the one that I am on now at super low dose but the old back/neck shit has a lot to do with me staying on my feet and fighting all this BS to the end (which is why y'all may see me posting that I welcome exiting this tragic stage constantly).
This isn't about me I get it but just trying to throw a perspective out there in hopes that taken collectively there may be something for someone at sometime that may help with finding "answers" to issues we all go through.
I love BL as my global family and would do anything I am able to for this community.
After all I would be sorely disappointed to find in the end that none of it actually matters... but I think it does and will stand until I cant stand no more and literally drop where I am supposed to.
Love ya, man.
Love you all.
Always hoping the best but experiences tend to make me expect the worst. My duality. My fight with whatever is there to oppose me.
1

Damn, yeah I have been sensing that you've been going through it a little bit. It's good that you're able to take care of someone, but just be careful to not spread yourself too thin and be sure to take care of yourself as well brother. Much love sent your way, my DM's are always open.

 

[PtahTek]

but just be careful to not spread yourself too thin

Too late for that its a thing I am blessed/cursed with.
Like hot honey on pancakes, bro.

Uphill we go! Or is it downhill...? Fuckin paradoxes.

 

[wareika]

Hey,

I've never been one for platitudes to keep on living. They don't really work on me and i don't know how to dispense them.

Recently when i realised i can't trust my everyday mind much anymore - too small & negative & conniving - i thought my dreams are maybe the only reasonable voice to listen to. Listen to them if it's your own last resort.

What i will offer is simply the perspective that this life is about moments of ecstasy we can log between now and our death - like the sinew and the bone inside us, it's so very dense when you are human - between now and our death there is much magnified good you can do for your Individual self.

When you stare down demons here it is for Courage in many worlds.

In that sense all i wish you is Patience for this world & a calm courage in Speech whenever you meet these demons in flight, sooner or later these demons in the subconscious are gonna tip topple like dominoes. They're not built to fuck with anything forever.

I said "demons in the subconscious" which is a real noob & condescending thing to say. As if demons don't exist out there in reality. If not for you or me, then other ppl on this planet. People that aren't believed much of the time. Anyway i have no right to assume or sum up the experience of another.

I didn't know that your experience had been so damn hectic deficiT altho i remember you mentioned an impending homelessness some months back.

It must be a sub-warfare situation stateside for folks who have mental health, physical health struggles, need meds, can't afford, are addicted, don't work, can't work etc. or a bunch of other easily human situations. The whole global war on compassion is brainsick.

Anyway it's righteous of you to open this up to to others.
From the heart my best wishes for this job opportunity and every other opportunity for you and your kin.

 

[deficiT]

I said "demons in the subconscious" which is a real noob & condescending thing to say. As if demons don't exist out there in reality. If not for you or me, then other ppl on this planet. People that aren't believed much of the time. Anyway i have no right to assume or sum up the experience of another.

I didn't know that your experience had been so damn hectic deficiT altho i remember you mentioned an impending homelessness some months back.

It must be a sub-warfare situation stateside for folks who have mental health, physical health struggles, need meds, can't afford, are addicted, don't work, can't work etc. or a bunch of other easily human situations. The whole global war on compassion is brainsick.

Anyway it's righteous of you to open this up to to others.
From the heart my best wishes for this job opportunity and every other opportunity for you and your kin.

Nahhhhh you're good I didn't take it that way lol. I've certainly dealt with demons. Both inside and outward so i can appreciate the sentiment.

It has been a tough couple years for me. Ever since the separation from my wife about two years ago I've struggled to stay on my feet. Before that, I always held things down, always had a job. Kept up with bills, all that happy shit. But yeah now I've gone from one bad situation to the next, in and out of halfway houses and sobriety. I've found some measure of stability but things are still difficult.

I am happy to share my experience with others. I believe that's one of the few things I can freely give, that hopefully can benefit other people through discussing shared experiences and life stories, working on overcoming issues together, so I appreciate the positive feedback.

 

[deficiT]

Well now I've bought it up on here, and made a shrine post for her, so I'll mention here, but recently lost the love of my life to a suspected overdose. I was not there, as we hadn't been in contact over the past couple weeks prior.

But this has been a severe blow to my mental health. The wounds were still very fresh of our breakup, and I'm having a very hard time not feeling super guilty about the circumstances and my inability to save her.

Not sure when the memorial is yet, but expecting it'll be sometime soon. Her mother said I could have a painting of hers that I loved, in addition to a bit of her ashes. I recently got a beautiful little necklace mini holder for her ashes. I'm still reeling, and was numb for days, but it's finally starting to register as real.

I'm just hoping I am able to carry on with the good memories I have of her and not let this drag me down too far.

 

[spammie nurse]

Condolences on your loss. Grief and mourning are strange unpredictable animals. The most random thing will trigger intense feelings. I lost my only daughter to illicit fentanyl a year ago. Something I'll share with you is when the emotions come, sit with them and let it flow. And cry. I bought tissues in the 3 pack for awhile. Also, most folks are uncomfortable with death and they may say some really odd, off the wall or even hurtful things. Let that shit roll off you like butter on a summer day.
I didn't see, but did you get the IT job?

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Hang in there man.

A lot of us are going through crazy shit. I know that doesn't help, but you're definitely not alone.
I've been on a rollercoaster this whole week of feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack & then in tears & then in a "fuck it" attitude. All these emotions back n forth in less than an hour some times. Long story.

Try to remember all the good times you've had in life & remember they will come again. I wish I knew what to say, but in the throes of dark depression like this, I know it can be hard to stay positive.