that this is kind of diverging from the drug culture section of the site and i maybe should've just posted this in the "words" section of the site, cause this is a bit philosophical and i am just going on with my thoughts not really in the name of harm reduction. i just think understanding how you feel about drugs is something and i am revealing my thoughts with a method of thinking particularly about breathing and body scans and people can apply that to how they feel about drugs. maybe you've never even noticed that you are breathing differently. maybe breathing patterns will help you make sense about why you like different drugs. what i'm saying very well could trigger a person to be addicted. that you realize you can't breath with out drugs... that it is a struggle for me to breath with out drugs. that pot mostly helps. when i don't have pot, benzos help greatly although i would hate to be addicted to them. pot and stimulants is one of my favorite combinations to get into a breathing flow. it's fine when i just smoke pot. i need a specific amount of it to get by. it usually doesn't require very much. pot is one of the only drugs that i think mostly doesn't hurt people. it's a shame when people can't handle pot and psychedelics and are addicted to more harmful drugs. i'm not sure that it's not a curse.
i'm about to diverge from how i was originally posting this thread in drug culture, and i don't mind if this thread gets moved to "words" or any other section of the site. hell delete it if you want... at least it gets sent through the internet.
that i'm really torn as a 40 year old male because all the girls my age are done breeding in the next couple years or so. that i'm kind of like an old man... that reading about semen swimming the wrong direction as a teenager, i always thought it was bad procedure and that i shouldn't really have kids. i forgot about how semen swims under the influence of cannabis for a while during a period where i had one girlfriend completely forgetting the science that i had read, and we had some sex. our relationship ended because i felt she didn't really get me and i was uncertain whether or not i wanted to have kids. i never really put a lot of effort into persuing females after that. i didn't have any sex.
that as a forty year old, i've been on some anti-psychotics through out the years because of getting in trouble, but mostly my semen is still flowing wildly. maybe it's ruined because of how much weed i smoke.
if weed weren't being legalized and everyone weren't smoking it and using their bizarre swimming semen to have kids, i'd feel kind of right about just giving up, saying that i was an artist and that i chose drugs. that i have drugs. other people have families. that i made some pretty damn good art and music, and there are tons of great starving artists out there. we are really getting nothing for what we've done. that i really feel like i should've been recognized and paid a lot, allowing me to pick any wife i wanted. that i am an eligible bachelor. my mind works as an artist and i'm really hearing a lot of objectively correct guitar tunings that i do with my own ear and with out electric tuners. i do this with drugs. i guess i've taked about this on BL, and i don't think anyone is really having this issue other than me. I CAN'T SEE HOW I DID THE WRONG THING DOING DRUGS BECAUSE OF THE ART I'VE MADE. i've done some really far out stuff that makes sense when going back and checking the notes with a guitar tuner, and i'm doing this all with my drugged out mind. that i get no credit. that the amount of money i used to have to pay for weed and how i was really doing shamanistic shit with art and music and now any average uncultured fool can just go buy weed and it's not even for any reason, i'm not really feeling it. i don't think people deserve it... if i could i would legalize all drugs, but i don't know if people even deserve it. it's fine though.
that i'm on a very low dose of the anti-psychotic haldol. i can jerk off like 3 times in the span of less than two hours. that's about the same as when i was a teen before using drugs. the loads are just as big... i really feel like i should be trying harder to have kids. the being on haldol is making me apprehensive. i could use my semen even being under the small influence of anti-psychotics and probably be able to have it fertilize eggs and it'd be fine. that i'm interested in getting off the anti-psychoitcs and continuing the pot and getting a girlfriend or just like banging chicks in general, maybe in porn in order to have a child...
that i worry a lot about marijuana being so strong now days that it affects the semen and a couple generations down the road, people start to have some serious defects. i don't see why i shouldn't have a sex life though... that if i were to have a healthy kid as a forty year old that has been a heavy smoker since he was a teen, i'd be less apprehensive about young people that have no reason to smoke picking up the habbit. that if i had a kid and it came out with birth defects, i'd probably write about it on the internet and say i was wrong for having a kid and say "maybe you don't want to start using drugs." hell, probably wouldn't even make an impact... i'd have a great sense of relief if i had a kid that came out healthy. maybe it's not that the semen is changing in a negative way with cannabis use. it still works fine. however, it doesn't really seem like proper procedure to just let the public all start smoking with how much stronger the cannabis has gotten over the past couple decades and what they are finding under microscopes.
that i could get on social security for my back injury and get off the anti-psychotics if i wanted. my injury is bad enough where they will pay me with out anti-psychotics.
it's funny though, i thought about this. my girlfriend was my size. i always wanted to have sex with a smaller girl. i heard it can be enjoyable to a dude with the sex... i talk about how i only got the opportunity to try coke one time... if there were some bizarre situation where i could try coke or have sex with a smaller girl (which i've been pretty curious about), i'd probably try the coke and skip the sex.
as a forty year old. it doesn't seem worth it for me to get off weed and try to have kids. i could probably find a girl that would wait tables and live in a shitty apartment and be happy having one kid with me cause i'm so cool and my arts so cool if i didn't use all my disability money for fast food, art supplies, and getting high all day. like i could try talking to people in public or looking on a dating app. it's not really important to me though. i'm not really feeling it... i don't care. idk. like ASMR is objectively a super intense sensation better than any drug i've tried and it can work for a few hours a day. i go for walks exercising and i feel decent and sometimes even get really good highs getting in a walking or jogging flow. i make cool art and music. right now i can smoke as much as i want, and i'll be able to smoke sometimes in the future. idk. if i could smoke as much as i wanted in the future i'd be less interested in other drugs or even having kids. i want kids though. i'd still be fucked up about having kids even if i could smoke as much weed as i wanted.
i don't know. i really just want to send this across the internet. i don't care what part of BL this gets moved to if it does get moved or if it is even deleted...
i really feel like most of the people that try to get help from this site could get their advice from a therapist, and this site just triggers people to use drugs... in a way, i'm just kind of giving up and saying do what makes you feel best.. i wish i didn't have to move into smoke free housing and could just rip a bong all day instead of just getting a pipe hit through a carbon filter all the time... maybe they will federally legalize cannabis and i'll be able to rip joints eventually to stay 100% fucked up medicated... idk. i'm losing hope and even thinking about binge eating and taking poison drugs i normally wouldn't.. i know this has happened before where government restrictions cause people to use use bad drugs.. i bet there are a lot of people in public housing that can't smoke weed and end up doing fentanyl... terrible. lol
