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Things are not ok

C

Crash Override

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 8, 2021
Messages
310
Location
UK
So I came home early from a night at the pub which is generally unheard of. I just don't want to be around people.

Like I said in my into post I've been clean off opiates since December when I got sectioned. Didn't get out of hospital until May, my longest stay for some time, so thats been... 5 months of freedom? Obviously I started drinking again as soon as I got out. I don't know. I feel like I'm just going back into the cycle again and fighting with my brain to decide whether I want to or not. I don't know what I want.

I can't seem to stop fucking up my life, whether that is with alcohol or drugs or my relationships with people. I can't seem to break the cycle of depression, followed by stopping meds, going back to various drugs and then it always comes crashing down pretty quickly after that and I quickly end up psychotic and sectioned.

Like right now, I have a job, I have a girlfriend, I have a home, things are ok. But they're really not ok. I don't know what help I'm asking for, maybe I just want someone to know.

Cheers guys.
 
Crash Override said:
But they're really not ok.
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Sounds like maybe we start here? I do not pretend to be able to help with this but am willing to try.
So ya had a few cold ones and started thinking on everything all of a sudden?
Trying to get a picture of what, how, who... etc
It's OK man. Shit... if ya knew how many of us have been there and past doin OK it may put this in perspective a little.
What is the biggest issue here? What triggered all this? Any idea?
Peace
 
Hey, don't think it's the cold ones that have caused this. might be the reason I'm posting though.

This has been coming for a while. This is what I mean. I get all cleaned up and the spiral just starts over. Always always thinking about that high... I've had some family shit going on too. Girlfriend is not the girl I really want to be with maybe?
 
Crash Override said:
Always always thinking about that high...
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What high? Opioids? My bad it slipped me though I know how drinking can be like kindling when usage gets to snowballing.
Crash Override said:
I've had some family shit going on too. Girlfriend is not the girl I really want to be with maybe?
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This is something ya gonna have to work out. Not sure how long yall been together or if there are any children but to be with another that is not ones "equal" is an exercise in futility. Just my take from my experience. Never ends well.
But for sure if we talking use/abuse on the side this can definitely be a major issue in an otherwise perfectly "fine" relationship.
 
Yeah oxys, coke, even weed and alcohol. Anything thats an escape.

Only been together a couple of months, no kids! She's like proper straight edge and stuff, never had drug issues... but she does know all about mine. The ex dumped me while I was in hospital. I think I fucked her up too much with my screwball brain so... but fucking hell, she was the one.
 
Crash Override said:
I think I fucked her up too much with my screwball brain so... but fucking hell, she was the one.
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Well....
For what it is worth my opinion is that there are some sacrifices to be made to be able to get the one (or more) of your choosing. Is this a correct assessment? If ya gave up most or all of it you would be accepted by the one?
Would you be happy? Doesn't seem so if history is any indication.
Can there be a compromise with any of this? Do ya think ya have it in ya cause it's fuckin tough to compromise and sacrifice for what we want. It does get easier with practice but is if fuckin worth it?
 
I think I know what you mean, things look ok on the outside but somewhere deep down they’re not, or atleast they don’t feel like it. I haven’t been at a pub in years or been on any super hard drugs in a minute either but I think I can relate completely, idk if that helps any but atleast someone else can relate you know what I mean.
 
I think I understand too, it sounds like you have depression, and your putting on a happy face, but underneath you feel sad and hopeless

If thats what’s going on,the drugs are probably a symptom of a deeper problem

That’s how it is for me atleast
 
6am-64-14m said:
Well....
For what it is worth my opinion is that there are some sacrifices to be made to be able to get the one (or more) of your choosing. Is this a correct assessment? If ya gave up most or all of it you would be accepted by the one?
Would you be happy? Doesn't seem so if history is any indication.
Can there be a compromise with any of this? Do ya think ya have it in ya cause it's fuckin tough to compromise and sacrifice for what we want. It does get easier with practice but is if fuckin worth it?
Click to expand...

I don't even know if thats the main issue man. I suppose she stuck around the longest and seemed to get it, to get me, didnt automattically tell me to get lost because she didn't understand. i suppose it says a lot about me when the girl who is known to cope with anything gets to a point where she can't cope with me any more. But yeah, I suppose thats history just repeating itself.

What's the compromise?
 
polarthedog said:
I think I understand too, it sounds like you have depression, and your putting on a happy face, but underneath you feel sad and hopeless

If thats what’s going on,the drugs are probably a symptom of a deeper problem

That’s how it is for me atleast
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Freudzilla said:
I think I know what you mean, things look ok on the outside but somewhere deep down they’re not, or atleast they don’t feel like it. I haven’t been at a pub in years or been on any super hard drugs in a minute either but I think I can relate completely, idk if that helps any but atleast someone else can relate you know what I mean.
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Thanks guys although I'm sorry you relate. I'm currently dx'd schizoaffective depressive type but who really knows to be honest. Originally it was bipolar. the drug shit kinda confuses a lot of that. It's like things "Should" be ok in theory but that doesnt stop me obsessing over the drugs and just finding ways to fuck things up over and over again. I don't feel in control of it. and it's what everyone expects too, they're all just waiting for the next failure or the next time they need to come to the rescue
 
Probably. But its ok for the moment and not too serious or anything. I'm needy, don't know how to be on my own
 
Crash Override said:
What's the compromise?
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Ours?
I don't fuck with illicit drugs (not Rx-ed or "needed"). It used to be everything all the time. It is not so now. I do not fuck around with "sluts" (her words) but we have both slept outside of out circle. Almost 26 years.
Her compromise? ... Dropping her standards of who Mr, Right OK is. lol WE do well and are not gonna be broken up but I had to "grow up" some and she had to be less "Karen". hahaha
Everybody has to or can compromise to make things work - this is diplomacy... as long as both parties dont feel like they getting fucked over.
Now mixing and matching meds and street dope wouldn't be my first strategy at gaining sane-ness (or what others define). If this isn't crinkled out I doubt becoming "stable" will be possible. The docs may add and/or overmedicate and you may self medicate and there may arise some very serious issues indeed.
Think about this a sec.
You read any of the posts in threads with people taking one or two shots and regretting it for ever after?
Not barking or judgement: These meds and the self medicating is going to stay an issue (IMO) if there are no adjustments.
I could be wrong.
I wish the best
Always
 
Nah man, I get what you're saying. I don'tknow how to get to the point where drugs are not everything and I can be stable. That state doesnt seem to exist.

but also I don't want to be "Mr OK"... and I don't want "Ms Average". But currently I seem to be "Mr Fuckup" and thats a hard title to break.

Your judgement is welcome and it's nothing i haven't heard before. I'm at a loss, it seems like this cycle is forever and it gets worse every time. I don't know what will happen next time and don t feel like I always have a say in it.
 
Crash Override said:
But currently I seem to be "Mr Fuckup" and thats a hard title to break.
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So, if that's a big part of your self - image, then that's a big part of what 'll keep driving your use. That's where you need to start sticking the metaphorical lever in.

... I actually took some perverse kind of pride at one time in being ' fucked - up junkie boy '. Like society had already decided I was a worthless piece of degenerate shit, so I decided in turn I was gonna take being worthless and degenerate to the level of an art form.

.. The mind can be strange like that.
 
Exactly! Everyone expects me to be that person. so i am that person. I live in a smallish town, everyone knows. I get shit about it constantly. I can't fucking help it though, I'm drawn to it stronger than anything. I know you guys get that.

I don't see a future, I don't even know any more if I want a future because it seems unattainable.
 
Crash Override said:
Exactly! Everyone expects me to be that person. so i am that person. I live in a smallish town, everyone knows. I get shit about it constantly. I can't fucking help it though, I'm drawn to it stronger than anything. I know you guys get that.

I don't see a future, I don't even know any more if I want a future because it seems unattainable.
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C'mon man, you're too young to pack it in. Thing is, can you think of things you might want for yourself? What are your skills, interests...?

For myself, just as an example, I remembered vaguely I used to quite enjoy taking pictures of the sheep in the field behind our house with my father's old camera when I was a boy. I thought I could explore if I still liked photography. Fast forward several years and now that's my job. ;)

.. Also getting your shit together doesn't HAVE to mean total abstinence. I'm not bloody abstinent and I have no desire to be. It's just that now it balances out with lots of other things I want from life.
 
I don't feel young. I flunked college, havent really got any interests. I'm lucky that I have a job at all but thats mostly a link from days of old from my Grandpa and they employ me as and when i'm capable. it's menial landscaping/nursery outdoor work...

I don't think i'd ever be abstinent from alcohol and maybe weed... i wouldnt want to stop drinking. its just the path always leads to the same place.
I just feel it building up.
 
Crash Override said:
I flunked college, havent really got any interests
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Yeah I dropped out of college after having a brilliant academic career prophesied for me because my mental health was just fucked at that point and I couldn't keep up with the work. As for not really having any interests, maybe it's time to start looking for some -? ...
You sound a lot like half the time you get fucked up is purely because you can't think of anything else to do.
 
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