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The worst drug binge of my life....

A

ants

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
201
Hey guys,

So my history with drugs is that I usually use coke once / twice a month. I've taken E about 40 times over the past 4 years and also drink a lot of alcohol (weekly binges)

However, I am currently unemployed and therefore have a lot of time to myself. I eat VERY clean, exercise a lot and try and maintain a healthy lifestyle. For example, I only really eat fresh Veg, meat and good carbs. Hit the gym 5 days a week.

My issue is decision making when I have had alcohol - Tuesday night I consumed alcohol, cocaine, MDMA (1 pill) and LSD (3 tabs). I got so worried (because I had 4 different drugs in me) that I called an ambulance and had a paramedic look at my vitals.

I had been clearing my act up slowly and planning on moving to Berlin to start a fresh life. However, since last night, I've realised my downfall is always attributed to alcohol. I always buy drugs because of being under the influence.

What scares me so much is a life of sobriety - NEVER being able to have an alcoholic drink again. At the moment, this looks to be my only option.

I don't know what I'm asking for really but some reassurance would be really helpful. The thought of missing out on parties, stag dos, pulling girls etc....
 
I don't know how much this will help but here's my story in a nutshell regarding alcohol and drugs: started drinking in high school rarely, full blown alcoholic in college with no interest in drugs even using what was prescribed for injuries, started enjoying valid prescriptions in my mid-20s while cutting back on alcohol because I started only drinking to blackout but the drugs were kinder to me the next day. Then fast forward after years of high functioning on pills (mine and others) and started cocaine, meth, bath salt, other prescription drugs, weed. At the end I was shooting up and smoking crack. Rehab. Relapse. Suicide attempts. Mental health facilities. More relapse. Recovery. Relapse again. Now to the point- today while I have a huge pull towards drugs I find that I've lost all desire to drink alcohol. A few months ago I moved in with a friend who drinks on occasion (a beer or margarita or glass or two of wine with dinner once a week or so). I didn't want to be rude and they knew my past battles. At first I was worried about screwing up my accrued clean time and the first couple dinners I felt guilt and a desire to have another one or two but I did t indulge. I got tipsy and did stupid stuff one night when I had the house to myself but it served as a reminder that I don't like alcohol itself, just the feeling until the hangover begins but it was t worth it anymore. I don't know if I'm the exception to the rule of if I'm an accident waiting to happen but at this moment I have no fear of drinking nor do I have a craving for it and I'm able to refuse honestly at dinner now. And I'm able to have one drink or even half a glass and am not plaugued by the obsession and compulsion and flurry of thoughts surrounding me plus alcohol. I agree that the "never again" is really daunting but the "nah not right now" is really awesome. I kinda relate alcohol now to say chocolate cake. If I had it everyday then it would be hard to not crave. Having it so infrequently I find I don't need to finish it and don't generally enjoy the taste much like eating a piece of cake after not eating sweets seems sickeningly too sweet. I haven't drank around my family yet and they would maybe view it different and be appalled that I do or maybe they'd have no issue as long as I don't act like I used to on it and don't go overboard. My suggestion is to not fear it or have a clean day hanging over your head if it bothers you or incites guilt or panic. Like I said I had the same thoughts about "never again". Just live for today. Make smart choices today and don't worry about tomorrow. If you need support tell someone who can be with you if you elect to drink somewhere so they can help you stick to one glass of champagne at that wedding or whatever it may be. Hope this helps.
 
ants said:
Hey guys,

So my history with drugs is that I usually use coke once / twice a month. I've taken E about 40 times over the past 4 years and also drink a lot of alcohol (weekly binges)

However, I am currently unemployed and therefore have a lot of time to myself. I eat VERY clean, exercise a lot and try and maintain a healthy lifestyle. For example, I only really eat fresh Veg, meat and good carbs. Hit the gym 5 days a week.

My issue is decision making when I have had alcohol - Tuesday night I consumed alcohol, cocaine, MDMA (1 pill) and LSD (3 tabs). I got so worried (because I had 4 different drugs in me) that I called an ambulance and had a paramedic look at my vitals.

I had been clearing my act up slowly and planning on moving to Berlin to start a fresh life. However, since last night, I've realised my downfall is always attributed to alcohol. I always buy drugs because of being under the influence.

What scares me so much is a life of sobriety - NEVER being able to have an alcoholic drink again. At the moment, this looks to be my only option.

I don't know what I'm asking for really but some reassurance would be really helpful. The thought of missing out on parties, stag dos, pulling girls etc....
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Come on man how old are you drop the alcohol and stick with the gym and the healthy eating.
 
Thanks for your post raysu - very insightful! Isn't it strange how you can get so sick of a substance on the comedown and then BOOM, two weeks later when you're feeling back to yourself, you want it again.

Man in the Dark - I'm 26. Got back in the gym today and came home and cooked spiced chicken, rice and asparagus.

Today is day 3 since Friday. Am going to abstain from alcohol for at least 30 days. This will therefore hopefully mean I avoid all other drugs too!
 
Your welcome ants and yeah it kinda reminds me of jobs I quit then after a while I selectively seem to remember only the good times and good people. And yet I know as soon as I'd go back to work at one of those places within a week I'd be like "oh yeah now I remember why I didn't want to work here any more!" Ha!
 
I've known several people who were in this cycle, myself included. Once we started drinking, all bets are off and any drug that's around is hard to refuse. Alcohol was the hardest drug for me to quit. Ants, have you considered going to meetings?

(Going to move this to Sober Living)
 
So I went out partying on Saturday night and drank steadily throughout the day.

Went clubbing at the end of the night with mates, went back to theirs and crashed.

So happy when I can drink and do no further drugs. I just can't ever imagine never having a drink again :/
 
I feel you man on the alcohol thing. It's so accessible and I tend to spend all my left-over money on it. I think I may be on my way to alcoholism. I am also developing a problem with stimulants, I think. I tend to over obsess about ordering stimulants and stuff whenever possible.. it's kind of fucked up.

Good luck.
 
Alcohol is not something I would want to consume consistently though. It will ruin your health and to me, that's very important.

With alcohol, its about meeting up with some friends, losing your inhibitions a tad and not getting legless.

So today is day 6 without any drugs (minus alcohol) and by Friday, I will be on day 10 so back into double figures. I have no plans for this weekend so once I get the following weekend out of the way, I'll be on day 17 (the Friday)

I won't (even if I get invites) be touching alcohol until then for sure. Whilst keeping alcohol to a once / twice a month thing is important to me - the main thing is avoiding cocaine. What I've come to find though is that you have to WANT to stop it. Importantly, I do.

I can't remember the last time I went a full month without taking a drug but this will be it for sure. Destroying my family at the moment - i can assure you all that there is nothing pretty to your Mum coming home to find an ambulance is here to check I'm okay having taken MDMA, LSD, Cocaine and Alcohol all in the same night.
 
Day seven is here and just had a reply from a job interview. Rejection. YAY.
 
Sorry to hear that but don't get yourself too deeply messed by that rejection. You are still a worthy human being although you wouldn't even work at all. If getting a job keeps ending up bad you might as well start getting more education or switching career. I have been working on plenty of different jobs even though I am just 32 years now and it seems to me that I'll switch career still few times until I am done with working life.

Anyhow keeping away from the booze might seem like how the hell I am going to do without taking one at all and I am going to miss this and that but when you have plenty of years staying clear you start instead thinking how I have been able to drink and behave like an ass while partying. You will also definately find out how to party without having booze (or other drugs) and it will be fun too but you just have to stay out of parties until you are starting to feel comfortable to stay sober.
 
What kind of support do you have? Any healthy/non-drug or alcohol using people in your life you trust, respect, and feel safe with? Think. Even if you have only one such friend, cling to him/her for a bit, as long as they are relatively healthy by any reasonable standard. . .
 
Ants - you need to establish a new circle of friends. You need to spend time with people who are not meeting up over drinks or other stuff.

Alcohol may be legal, and to most may seem benign, but it is a trigger for many to inadvertently down a deep dark road. It seems to lower your inhibitions enough that you engage in dangerous activity, and revert back to using other drugs. I know you want to limit your alcohol consumption to a couple of nights a month, but that doesn't seem like a good idea if you have a history of then using other drugs after you've had a few drinks. If you could control the compulsion for other drugs while you drink, you would have already done so. I think you're setting yourself up for failure.

Have a circle of friends who meet up for other activities seems like a much safer way to go. I have people that I meet up with for dancing or golf - alcohol is not a focus. Alternatively, spend more time with your family. They would love to see that you're doing better, and there's nothing to hide as they are aware of your issues.

You're relatively young, now is the time to change patterns and create healthy new routines.
 
Atmozfears said:
I feel you man on the alcohol thing. It's so accessible and I tend to spend all my left-over money on it. I think I may be on my way to alcoholism. I am also developing a problem with stimulants, I think. I tend to over obsess about ordering stimulants and stuff whenever possible.. it's kind of fucked up.

Good luck.
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literally i was about to post this. i thought when i was using opiates (i stopped ct end of febuary and havent gone back) that i could never become an alcoholic.(like my dad i drank at night everynight) i justify it but the fact im trying to stop my benzo use by tapering a bit is not helping. and yet every night its the same fucking bullishit. i cant quit rifht now cause im 19.
 
pillman1224 said:
literally i was about to post this. i thought when i was using opiates (i stopped ct end of febuary and havent gone back) that i could never become an alcoholic.(like my dad i drank at night everynight) i justify it but the fact im trying to stop my benzo use by tapering a bit is not helping. and yet every night its the same fucking bullishit. i cant quit rifht now cause im 19.
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Pillman1224 - if you are trying to get off of benzos alcohol is not the way to do it. Benzos are going to accelerate your alcoholism, at least they did with mine. Benzos and booze are very closely related, so much so that many addiction specialists say that benzos are booze, just in a pill. If you are tapering, then you are probably compensating for the dose decrease with alcohol, so you're not moving forward. I hope you are not going cold turkey on benzos, as that is really dangerous and potentially lethal. Also, withdrawal and PAWS from benzos is brutal if you quit cold turkey. You will still have both of you do a taper, but they are 100 times better and shorter lasting than if you go cold turkey.

If you really want to give up benzos, see a doctor and tell them you are addicted (if you're not getting them through a doctor) and asked to be put on diazapam (if you're not already taking it), and discuss a taper schedule. Stop drinking alcohol - you do not want an addiction to both - trust me on this. I was an alcoholic for 17 years and addicted to Xanax for 10 years. In rehab I was cut off from Xanax cold turkey, and suffered traumatic PAWS for 2 years, no exaggeration. It's been six years since my last benzo, and I am still recovering, mind you I'm much better now, but still healing.

If you work with a doctor they can give you other meds to help the withdrawal and subsequent PAWS. Most importantly though, stop drinking. If you continue drinking while getting off of benzos, the problems with both become exponentially worse, and getting sober becomes so much more painful and difficult. You are so young, please try to get a handle on this now rather than later. You don't want to be in my situation where you're almost 40 and starting over. Good luck. Feel free to hit me up with questions.
 
i saw Wilmington and thought were from DE for a sec lol. [MENTION=180594]Moreaux[/MENTION] thanks for the advice. once i have a job, lifeguard at YMCA is my first choice (training for the interview first job ever hopefully i get it just a few more sessions in the pool and getting a membership tomorrow) then i would just like to use marijuana for sleep and benzos as needed not every night but maybe i deserve that suffering i just dont know anymore.

OP- the only advice i can give ya is this. i wish i could go to my doctor with this (why i cant right now well there are too many reasons) please take advantage of that. they cant deny you treatment if your are dependent on alcohol/benzos. i feel ya with having too much time on yer hands. get the first job you can possibly find, read, write a journal, exercise more (if your are too exhausted for that i understand bud), hell learn to freehand sharpen knives i got to where i can put a hair-whittling edge on my blades. just some ideas so ya dont go insane.
 
Although I do not have any first hand experience doing this, using longer acting benzos like Librium and Klonopin or longer acting milder barbituates like phenobarbitol are widely used and accepted practices of detoxing patients safely from alcohol addiction. You need to be under a doctor's care, inpatient, for it to work, but it does work very remarkably, considering the life threatening dangers of the alternative(s) to a professional, medically assisted detox.
 
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