The Warehouse

[Amanita Mary]

I like the feel of this piece a lot, but i think i might lose a bit of what im looking for at the end...criticism?

The Warehouse.
Concrete metal strain
dogs and mops and rain
buzzing boy toy machinery
boxes, cardboard, boomerang tables
cleaned green gloors, rooms of empty.
shiny metal rings and electric cords
soda and soap and big block doors
parade floats and paint on the floors
vacant tackless cork boards
and dripped old oil stains
flickering lights and falling pieces
slap below where our feet did grow
and hot, heavy hands precede
to build and assemble and flow like wings
to the swarming static artist's energy
dumpsters brackets buckets and hoses
scattered Home Depot advertisement
chemically entrenched noses
thin and creeping and bent ~
snaking pipes do crawl the walls
CAUTION, EXIT, FIRE EXTINGUISHER
DANGER, ELECTRIC, keep this shit closed in here
floppy wobbling boards, letters to trace
this cold concrete ass doesnt bother me
watching him parade and dance around this place
I couldnt be more content you see

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

Well I think your descriptive talent is quite brilliant; it's like you're really THERE.

But if I had any criticism it would be that I don't know what it's about. Either your metaphor is too subtle, the meaning is too hidden, or I'm missing something. Surely there's more to it than just describing a warehouse; possibly about a relationship? A little obscure maybe.

You might need to bring more alusions to the relationship between the man and his warehouse earlier (if that's what it's about)? There's a lot of scope for this to be very sexy, too, if indeed it's about your 'boy toy' (??), and you're watching him in his environment.

(wild guess)

 

[Amanita Mary]

thank you, thank you... that was exactly what it was lacking - an introduction to him earlier... ive just recently fallen face deep in love with an older version of me... and yes, this poem is about watching him work in a warehouse... so ill revise and post later- once again - much appreciated

 

[jameslovesyou]

you are so obviously made of love.