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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

I wanted to go to Utila, learn to dive (professionally, it complements my skills and previous certs), and more than anything break out of my pathetic loser shell and sleep with a girl.

I got there and had an allergic reaction to something and couldn't breath at night. So I went to honduras for 2 weeks, and couldn't do much except for swim a little, lay on the dock, read, and eat all sorts of weird street foods.

I didn't do any drugs which was good (break from cannabis) and bad, I wanted to try cocaine. I also quickly reverted to being a drunk again. Hadn't drank at all this year, so I quickly progressed from 2 beers and im drunk, to 12 shots and im not even stumbling to the next bar.

i met some nice people (girls as well), and was rather smitten with a few (its hard not to be when the clothing is so skimpy), but nothing happened because I am still a little coward boy and talk myself out of ever expressing love interest by justifying to myself that any girl I like is better off with anyone else.

feels like whenever I plan to make my life better, it always fucks up and I'm right back to where I started.

ill be home in a day, and I don't know what I am going to do, I didn't have a plan B ready. I wasted a ton of money on this trip with zero to show. I dont wanna go get a shitty job (the only kind I qualify for) in freezing cold canada, but I dont really know what else to do.

i dont have any friends or family I really trust, not enough to vent like this, and have someone point me in the right direction.

my heads all fucked up and I dont want to talk to doctors about it because im scarred of getting locked up again, and have never had good luck with pharms.

i dont wanna die, i just never wanted to exist.

i miss my (moms) dog, but not as much as i miss drugs.
 
Hey, harm, I'm sorry that you are feeling so defeated right now. Going to another country, exotic as it may be, doesn't prevent your "self" as you've been defining it, from coming along. When you are in such a weakened state inside it can be hard to see anything hopeful on the horizon. Best medicine for this is to quit repeating what doesn't work. I've met a lot of people traveling that can't get their usual DOC and turn to huge quantities of alcohol and that usually doesn't go well. When you get home, try doing just one thing that might change the rut you feel yourself in--just one little habit change or addition to the status quo that can begin to shake things up and move you forward (or to the side if you prefer that direction;)). Hang in there. I know from experience that leaving a foreign country and coming home to routines and responsibilities has an inherent comedown--be on the lookout for that.<3
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
EADD, what a clusterfuck.
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and it took you how long to work that out :) you secretly love the cluster part though

unrelated ....It became apparent yesterday that someone I thought was a friend was far from it, I guess they have their reasons for being so unpleasant towards me but I've no idea what they are. People are so dam complicated
 
I've been at it for years, it's just taken me this long to feel the need to post in here.

Damn striaght people are complicated. If there was one piece of advice (although I try to avoid the whole advice thing) I would give there it's not to waste your energy trying to change someone in to someone you want them to be as they very rarely will and it will only hurt you more trying. I guess you know this already but people only change when they really want to and even then it usually takes a lot of hard work.

Sorry you're having to go through this, a smilar thing happened to me lsst year except with a group of peole which ended with someone coming to my door and threatening to stab me. I told him to hurry up and get on with it then and he pussied out so I pasted him in to the floor and got kicked out of my house for doing so.
 
So true, more often than not the problem is people don't meet my expectations, ones they arent even aware of.

I believe almost everyone is good (there is the murdering maniac) and much of what I might perceive as being let down or not getting the reciprocal whatever isnt intentional on their part, it's so easy to make assumptions when most people are oblivious to the issue you see, their priority list isnt based on yours / mine

Unfortunately this situation is just someone lashing out, I can't see a way to resolve it right now so I'm concentrating on avoiding all the resentment and bad feeling that I know I can bury inside and deny it exists

But why is it that knowing all of that makes it no better, complicated ....
 
Allein said:
and it took you how long to work that out :) you secretly love the cluster part though

unrelated ....It became apparent yesterday that someone I thought was a friend was far from it, I guess they have their reasons for being so unpleasant towards me but I've no idea what they are. People are so dam complicated
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I've been saying this for a long time now. There are no "friends" just backstabbers or people who haven't done so yet. I had this reinforced to me a few weeks ago (with someone I cared deeply for) n then cut all ties with them a few days agp. Thankfully they have respected my decision in leaving me the f*** alone.

I don't trust others now or have any expectations of loyalty from any of my "friends" anymore. If they haven't betrayed me yet it will happen sometime along the journey.

Evey
 
That's nonsense Evey (no offense). Good friends exist. Maybe you're trying to be accepted by the wrong people. I hope you can get to a place where you don't have such a depressing view of the world. <3
 
Eveyvibe said:
I've been saying this for a long time now. There are no "friends" just backstabbers or people who haven't done so yet. I had this reinforced to me a few weeks ago (with someone I cared deeply for) n then cut all ties with them a few days agp. Thankfully they have respected my decision in leaving me the f*** alone.

I don't trust others now or have any expectations of loyalty from any of my "friends" anymore. If they haven't betrayed me yet it will happen sometime along the journey.

Evey
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That isnt what I believe at all Evey, I think almost all people are intrinsically good, I say almost as there are a few born killers etc.

People don't always meet our expectations or we focus our frustrations on their failings when we are just as frail and flawed.

I have few close friends these days but that it totally my fault and something I'd like to change, I'm intolerant of people and often shy away from social interactions.

Taking the position that everyone else is at fault seems to leave you no room to move forward and suggests that you think you are different (not a backstabber) from all others, I doubt you think that really but it seems to be your position at times and clearly makes you feel unhappy and isolated.

None of us are perfect, being friends is about accepting peoples faults and forgiving the things they do or don't do that you would have wanted, if this is reciprocated I believe you have a true friend but it's a 2 way street.
 
My main IRL best friend made up that a bloke sexual assaulted her to the point that he hung himself, leaving two children without their father. My Dad's Mam used my Mam's personal info to hurt her in an argument. My second best was borderline, started abusing me by text when I was deep in addiction, vulnerable and in need of support, my friends in my first job conspired to sack people, manipulated me into getting someone I cared about sacked, then conspired to get me sacked, documenting my private conversations. One of my latest friends I found out with bitching about me via email a time when I was suicidal and most vulnerable, a time that I thought that THEY were there for me - they quickly gave out this information to someone else like it was plastered over the Sunday press, having no respect for my feelings in the matter or where that dark place took me and almost took me. How much more proof that I need?

I'd love to know the opposite?

Evey
 
It's not about proof and I'm not attacking your position, but objectivity here is of great value.

I don't know these people but as an example of what I'm trying to say, if someone makes up a sexual assault they clearly have problems, that doesn't excuse the act but that isnt the actions of a happy person.

I've suffered long periods of depression and I know people just get tired of it, they find it very draining and often frustrating, I know my wife did for certain. This doesnt make people 'bad' it makes them human.

Resentment won't help you it will just distort your perception of people, forgiveness or just acceptance of others failings would benefit you so much more. If I'm unable to get along with someone I find it feels like a personal failure and when I'm unable to find a way to move beyond just plain disliking people who haven't really wronged me beyond a few ill chosen words I give a little more of myself over to negativity.

I'm not lecturing, I identify with what you're saying but I see those views as false and just a way for me to excuse my own problems and further isolate myself
 
I just pretend to people IRL that I'm not depressed n all is OK with me. My family have no idea of anything of how I've felt over the last six month... or they'll just try to 'fix' (control) me as they always do. I know they mean well n I truly love them n wish no harm on them but I wish they'd allow me to make my own mistakes instead of trying to save me.

Allein, I'm sorry you've experience period of depression - people tire of it because they may not have experienced it themselves or may not know how best to help you. When I was down I felt an obligation to "put on act on" to stop others judging but when on my own I'm have no energy to function. I'm ashamed of that period of my life if I'm to be honest....

I may sound hypocritical but try not to find it a personal failure if you don't get along with people - we can't get on with everyone that is impossible. If you do not let those people who hurt you, get the better of you in some way, you're doing ok (ie, people who may trying winding you up, try getting you in trouble etc...)

Evey
 
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I think they tire of it because its so draining and negative, I've been as far in that I needed time in a secure unit. People want me to get better and stop hurting myself, they want me to like me and some get frustrated that I struggle to do so.

I don't believe you can truly know what is is like to be the other person, singularity is part of the experience of being human even though my beliefs are that 'there is only one' (for anyone who hadnt noticed check the meaning of my user name in German) people who love me have been angry at me for my apparent systematic sabotage of my life and apathy, I don't blame them at all.

There will be people we just don't want to be around but trying to give people the same chances you would want seems the only fair approach, I'm sure you have apologised for something in the past, if that was rejected out of hand and you were told you were a bad person it would hurt because maybe you just lost control and did or said something you regret, everyone does that from time to time IME.

One thing I have noted is that if you can start working through these minor issues, an inappropriate bit of text gossip you heard about or someone critsising you behind your back, who doesnt do that from time to time ? the relationship will get stronger because you both start to acknowledge neither is perfect, you start to be able to laugh about each others flaws and you are able to discuss the deeper stuff more easily.

It's a tough gig, I'm not good at it at all but displacing the whole problem onto everyone else back you into a tight corner from which I see no escape and much unhappiness...and round you go. here endeth my sermon on the subject
 
^I am quite lucky that the medical system in Canada is quite good. I can't imagine being in debt for medical bills. I have heard stories from others who have accumulated a ton amount of debt due to medical bills omg it'll drive me insane. It'll be a long haul for sure, years of paying it off or even not be able to pay it off and just die with a huge debt!!!
 
Well in my case i'm so poor I qualify for Medicare so I might not end up with huge bills, but they basically tortured me. Made my problems worse & didn't do anything to help with the underlying issues besides delay my appts. with specialists.
I figure if I'm in the fucking hospital where the specialists are at, why don't you just let me see the fucking specialists!
But no, not in America, instead they torture you, fuck with your meds, then kick you to the curb, with an unknown bill.I won't know if I have a huge bill or if medicare has it covered for at least a month or more & by then my disability appeal goes through.

So if I win & I don't have a huge bill great. But if I win & have huge bill there goes my money & any chance at trying to salvage a life. Where as if they just let me know if I was going to have a huge bill now, I could go bankrupt so the bill goes away & that way if I do get my disability I'd be able to start over but no, not in the great USA. Fuck this country & fuck this state.
 
I really despise nosy people that feel the need to be involved in everything even when it doesn't concern them and give their unwarranted opinion, then get pissed off when they aren't listened to. Yes, I'm talking about a family member.
 
IndustrialStrength said:
Well in my case i'm so poor I qualify for Medicare so I might not end up with huge bills, but they basically tortured me. Made my problems worse & didn't do anything to help with the underlying issues besides delay my appts. with specialists.
I figure if I'm in the fucking hospital where the specialists are at, why don't you just let me see the fucking specialists!
But no, not in America, instead they torture you, fuck with your meds, then kick you to the curb, with an unknown bill.I won't know if I have a huge bill or if medicare has it covered for at least a month or more & by then my disability appeal goes through.

So if I win & I don't have a huge bill great. But if I win & have huge bill there goes my money & any chance at trying to salvage a life. Where as if they just let me know if I was going to have a huge bill now, I could go bankrupt so the bill goes away & that way if I do get my disability I'd be able to start over but no, not in the great USA. Fuck this country & fuck this state.
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We were just advised by my husband's oncologist to pay $5 a month. He said if we pay anything--even $5 a month, they will not send anything to collections etc. If you do get a big bill, just tell them you will pay a small sum every month and then be sure you do. That should keep them off your back.
 
^ Thanks for the tip.
As if I get my disability I can't afford it to go to medical bills as It's my only chance at getting a place to live & trying to have a life.
Though since my doctor just took me off what few meds the hospital didn't on a very rapid taper, not sure it's worth living at this point.
However, since I am almost positive I have a bunch of surgeries coming up shortly maybe I can avoid having to come off.
As I'm not getting off shit just to have surgery a week or 2 later & get right back on, that's just fucking inhumane & torture IMHO.

If that ends up being the case I'll just not do the surgeries.
I'll fucking call it quits as I can't go through the w/d's with all my pain & health issues again.
Rather just take the easy way out, though from past experience not as easy as people seem to think.
I don't get how all these people OD & what not, as hell the times I've tried I couldn't OD if I wanted to.
And that was when my tolerance was down, though I guess it's semi-permanent.
I guess I OD'd once where I stopped breathing for a minute or 2 but then came back, that blackness was the best experience of my life.
Wish I could repeat it but I'd been up for days slamming speedballs, while everyone else was just slamming coke.
Thought I was being sneaky tossing bags in my shots but apparently I wasn't quite as sly as I thought. 8)
Somehow the whole nodding your face off after what's supposed to be straight coke shots kinda gives it away.

Oh well, the good ole days, fond memories & what not.
Kinda sad that, that is what I think of as fond memories but hey when you live in constant pain you take what you can get.

But since this is more of a reply than a rant, guess I'll rant about the medical system some more.
Turns out my PM doc that referred me to my current GP who said that the GP was also a PM doc & it was a PM clinic lied.
It's just a family practice & my doc is just a GP.
He put me on a fast taper off all my controlled substances but yet referred me to Pain Management again.
Though after a quick google search the doc he referred me to doesn't do shit besides cortisone shots, so fuck that.
Gonna call some ppl & do some research & get referred to someone that will give me what I need medication wise.
So yeah fuck the medical system in the USA & fuck the fact that every doctor I've dealt with is a lying piece of shit.
Every single one has lied in some manner or another, tempted to contact the ACLU or some other pro-bono legal organization as I don't have the loot for a lawyer atm but would love to sue multiple doctors/clinics/hospitals.
And from what I've been told I have justified cases.

Hell I have QT prolongation & other heart issues from the massive amounts of Zofran (Onandestron) they IV'd me with in hospital.
All to try & force me to eat more without nausea issues though they tried to increase calorie intake way to fast.
I tried to work with them but no they wouldn't listen of course
Hell before hospital resting heart rate 50 with no heart issues.
After visit, resting heart rate 100, with QT prolongation & other issues, enough that my GP referred me to a cardiologist.
Note that I'm only 31 & had no heart issues prior to hospital visit.
So even if it wasn't just the Zofran they fucked my shit up, which I didn't need considering all my other issues.
Already my GP had told me I was the most complicated case with the most health issues of anyone he'd ever seen or heard of.
Really needed to complicate things worse & have more problems to deal with. :|


So yeah FUCK THE MEDICAL SYSTEM IN THE USA! :X

Guess it's a repeat of before but why not, I feel it deserves more than 1 rant. :)
 
all day and night i move my mouth and grind my teeth. i also constantly touch my hand to my mouth or face. i can stop if i focus entirely on not, but everything feels tight and it starts again the second i move on. it causes me huge amounts of distress. i'd say it's been happening for a little less than a year. i have a another post complaining about it july '14. i've seen two dentists and my psych about it. i was chalking this up to stress and anxiety because i gave up benzos. but i just started reading about it again, and it really sounds like i need to see a neurologist. i never got a gp after i stopped seeing my pediatrician. i'm freaking myself out a little bit.
 
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